Sonny

A very elderly gentleman walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. He is in his mid nineties, very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel and smelling slightly of a good after shave. He presents a very well looked after image. Seated at the bar is an elderly really classy looking lady, (mid eighties). The sharp old gentleman walks over and sits alongside her. He orders a Manhattan. He takes a sip. He slowly turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"

There was an Asian lady who married an English gentleman and moved to London. The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but anyhow managed to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries. One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy pork legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. The butcher got the message and the lady went home with pork legs. The next day, she needed to get chicken breasts. Again, she didn't know how to say, and so unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breast. The lady got what she wanted. The third day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. So she brought her husband to the store...because he spoke English.

Try this: [email protected]

I read that 4,153,237 people got married last year. Not to cause any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number? Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water. I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car. I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you. When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts. A recent study has found that woman who carry a little extra weight, live longer than the men who mention it. Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y? America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote. You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That's your common sense leaving your body. Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish? My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that. I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night. Money talks ...but all mine ever says is good-bye. You're not fat, you're just... easier to see. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments. I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say, “Here, fill this out?” My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me.

Little Pete came home from the playground with a bloody nose, black eye, and torn clothing. It was obvious he’d been in a bad fight and lost. While his father was patching him up, he asked his son what happened. “Well, Dad,” said Pete, “ I challenged Larry to a duel. And, you know, I gave him his choice of weapons.” “Uh-huh,” said the father, “that seems fair.” “I know, but I never thought he’d choose his sister!”

An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven? The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll just run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's Sake, Jimmy, come in or stay out!'"

Jake had proposed to young Gina, and was being interviewed by his prospective father-in-law. “Do you think you are earning enough to support a family?” the older man asked the suitor. “Yes, Sir,” replied Jake, “I’m sure I am.” “Think carefully now,” said Gina’s father. “There are twelve of us…”

An old woman goes to answer a knock at the door one evening to find two police officers standing there. ''Madam, are you married?'' one officer asks. ''Why yes,'' the old lady replies, ''for 48 years.'' ''Do you have a photograph of your husband?'' the second officer asks. The old lady pulls a picture out of her purse and hands it to the officers. They look it over and hand it back to her. ''Madam, he's going to be OK but, I'm sorry, it looks like your husband has been hit by a truck.'' The lady says: ''I know, sir, but he's got a wonderful personality and has always been very kind to me and the children.''

An 85-year-old widow went on a blind date with a 90-year-old man. When she returned to her daughter's house later that night, she seemed upset. "What happened, Mother?" the daughter asked. "I had to slap his face three times!" "You mean he got fresh?" "No," she answered. "I thought he was dead!"

Recently, a large corporation hired several cannibals to increase its diversity. 'You are all part of our team now', said the HR rep during the welcoming briefing. 'You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but don't eat any employees.' The cannibals promised they would not. Four weeks later the cannibal chief remarked, 'You're all working very hard and I'm satisfied with your work. We have noticed a marked increase in the whole company's performance. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?' The cannibals all shook their heads. 'No.' After the boss had left, the chief of the cannibals said to the others, 'Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?' A hand rose hesitantly. 'You fool!' the leader raged. 'For four weeks we've been eating managers and no one noticed anything. But NOOOooo, you had to go and eat someone who actually does something.............

An angel suddenly appears at a faculty meeting and tells the dean of the college that, in return for his unselfish and exemplary behavior, he will be given his choice of infinite wealth, wisdom or beauty. Without hesitating, the dean selects infinite wisdom. "Done!" says the angel, and disappears in a cloud of smoke and a bolt of lightning. Now, all heads turn toward the dean, who sits surrounded by a faint halo of light. At length, one of his colleagues whispers, "Say something wise." The dean looks at them and says, "I should have taken the money."

A little boy went to his teacher to tell her he found a frog. The teacher asked if it was alive or dead. The little boy said that it was dead. The teacher asked how he knew. The boy said, "I pissed in its ear." The teacher said, "You what?" He said, "You know, I went to his ear and said, 'psst!' and it didn't move. So it must be dead."

Nudist One Liners A naked man fears no pickpocket. Bare butts are cool. A nudist never has to hold out his hand to see if it is raining. A Buddhist nudist practices yoga bare. A harp is a nude piano. Nudist Resort sign - Sorry, Clothed for Winter. Always swim nude. Sharks hate to peel their food. Nudists are people who wear one-button suits. Never cook bacon when you're naked. Senior Citizen Nude Beach ahead. Watch for Golden Oldies

Yesterday my daughter again asked why I didn't do something useful with my time in retirement. Talking about my "doing something useful" seemed to be her favorite topic of conversation in many of our conversations. She was "only thinking of me" and suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the guys. I did this and when I got home last night I decided to teach her a lesson about staying out of my business. I told her that I had joined a parachute club. She said, "Are you nuts? You’re 75 years old and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?" I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card. She said to me, "Good grief, where are your glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club." "I'm in trouble again, and I don't know what to do... I signed up for five jumps a week," I told her. She fainted. Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier, but sometimes it really can be fun..

Naw, they wouldn't let me!

25 Signs You've Grown Up: Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question. You keep more food than beer in the fridge. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed. You hear your favorite song on an elevator. You watch the Weather Channel. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up." You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door won't turn down the stereo. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore. Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff." You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again." 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work. You no longer drink at home to save money before going to a bar. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you!!!

Ken, As I recall, I was with my aircraft, 56-0533, at CRB and on the schedule to return to Naha the next day. She was OR and I was visiting with my good friend, Tom Talbert. He was a Crew Chief in the 35th by the way. I had met him earlier in my short AF career. He mentioned he wanted to go see his cousin who was in the Navy and assigned to the Swift Boats at CRB. He invited me to go along so we "locked" up our aircraft and headed to the Navy side of the base. While we were talking his cousin got notified they were to go out on a short mission. It was only supposed to be for an hour or so and he got permission for us to tag along. Long story short, we were gone MUCH longer than an hour or two. When we finally got back to shore, Tom and I thanked the crew for a great time and headed back for our aircraft. Much to my surprise my aircraft was not where I had left it. So I went to Ops to find out where she had gone. Since she was OR when I left I figured she had been sent on a short mission before rotating back to Naha. That's when the $h!* hit the fan. I was placed under arrest and was held until I was put on the next A/C going back to Naha where I was met yet again by the AP's and taken to the Line Chief (MSGT. George Tanner). He informed me that I would have to explain to the First Shirt and Squadron Commander why I had gone AWOL in SVN of all places. After I told him the truth and nothing but the truth ( I did leave Tom's name out of it), he commenced to chew my @$$. What the Hell was I thinking. If something had happened the AF would have listed me AWOL and missing in action, etc. If MSGT. Tanner had not vouched for me I do not know what they would have done. I really dodged a bullet. I am in the first picture:

The Vase A guy goes to a girl's house for the first time, and she shows him into the living room. She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to make them a few drinks, and as he's standing there alone, he notices a cute little vase on the mantel. He picks it up, and as he's looking at it, she walks back in. He says "What's this?" She says, "Oh, my father's ashes are in there." He says, "Jeez...oooh....I..." She says, "Yeah, he's too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray."

One day a man came home from work to find his wife crying hysterically in the kitchen. "What's wrong, dearest?" asked the confused husband. "Oh darling," sobbed the wife, "I was cleaning little Suzie's room when I found whips, handcuffs and chains under her bed, along with a very erotic porn magazine! What ever are we going to do?" "Well," replied the man, "I guess a spanking is out of the question?"

Bob was staring sadly into his beer and sighed heavily. “What’s up Bob?” asked the bartender… It’s not like you to be so down in the mouth.” “It’s my five year old son…” Bob replied. “Don’t tell me, he’s in trouble for fighting in school? – my lad’s just the same – forget about it; it happens to boys that age,” said the bartender, sympathetically. “ I only wish it was that,” continued the customer, “ but it’s far worse than that. The little devil has got our gorgeous 18 year old next door neighbor pregnant.” “Get away, that’s impossible!” gasped the bartender. “It’s not,” said the man. "The little bastard stuck a pin in all my condoms.”

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans. Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?" The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, of Noo Yawk City." Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven." The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last forty-three years." Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven." "Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi-driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?" "Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."

1- I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes. 2- There are two kinds of pedestrians . . . The quick and the dead. 3- Life is sexually transmitted. 4- Healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. 5- The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth. 6- Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing. 7- Have you noticed since everyone has a cell phone these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to? 8- Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again. 9- All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism. 10- In the 60′s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal. 11- How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire? 12- Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, ‘I think I’ll squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out’? Hmmmmm, How about eggs ? . . . 13- If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him? 14- Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway? 16- If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from? 17- Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup? 18- Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster? 19- Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

A young lady came home and told her Mother that her boyfriend had proposed but she had turned him down because she found out he was an atheist, and didn't believe in Heaven or Hell."Marry him anyway, dear." the Mother said. "Between the two of us, we'll show him just how *wrong* he is."