Sonny

An old woman goes to answer a knock at the door one evening to find two police officers standing there. ''Madam, are you married?'' one officer asks. ''Why yes,'' the old lady replies, ''for 48 years.''

''Do you have a photograph of your husband?'' the second officer asks.

The old lady pulls a picture out of her purse and hands it to the officers. They look it over and hand it back to her.

An 85-year-old widow went on a blind date with a 90-year-old man.

When she returned to her daughter's house later that night, she seemed upset.

"What happened, Mother?" the daughter asked.

Recently, a large corporation hired several cannibals to increase its diversity.

'You are all part of our team now', said the HR rep during the welcoming briefing. 'You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but don't eat any employees.' The cannibals promised they would not.

Four weeks later the cannibal chief remarked, 'You're all working very hard and I'm satisfied with your work. We have noticed a marked increase in the whole company's performance. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?' The cannibals all shook their heads. 'No.' After the boss had left, the chief of the cannibals said to the others, 'Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?'

An angel suddenly appears at a faculty meeting and tells the dean of the college that, in return for his unselfish and exemplary behavior, he will be given his choice of infinite wealth, wisdom or beauty. Without hesitating, the dean selects infinite wisdom.

"Done!" says the angel, and disappears in a cloud of smoke and a bolt of lightning.

Now, all heads turn toward the dean, who sits surrounded by a faint halo of light. At length, one of his colleagues whispers, "Say something wise."

Nudist One Liners

Yesterday my daughter again asked why I didn't do something useful with my time in retirement. Talking about my "doing something useful" seemed to be her favorite topic of conversation in many of our conversations. She was "only thinking of me" and suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the guys.

I did this and when I got home last night I decided to teach her a lesson about staying out of my business. I told her that I had joined a parachute club. She said, "Are you nuts? You’re 75 years old and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"

On 7/22/2019 at 5:25 PM, Spectre623 said:

Sounds like a good time was had by all Sonny. Did you get to shoot the .50 ? That would have been icing on the cake.

Naw, they wouldn't let me!

25 Signs You've Grown Up:

Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.

Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.

Ken,

As I recall, I was with my aircraft, 56-0533, at CRB and on the schedule to return to Naha the next day. She was OR and I was visiting with my good friend, Tom Talbert. He was a Crew Chief in the 35th by the way. I had met him earlier in my short AF career. He mentioned he wanted to go see his cousin who was in the Navy and assigned to the Swift Boats at CRB. He invited me to go along so we "locked" up our aircraft and headed to the Navy side of the base. While we were talking his cousin got notified they were to go out on a short mission. It was only supposed to be for an hour or so and he got permission for us to tag along. Long story short, we were gone MUCH longer than an hour or two. When we finally got back to shore, Tom and I thanked the crew for a great time and headed back for our aircraft. Much to my surprise my aircraft was not where I had left it. So I went to Ops to find out where she had gone. Since she was OR when I left I figured she had been sent on a short mission before rotating back to Naha.  That's when the $h!* hit the fan. I was placed under arrest and was held until I was put on the next A/C going back to Naha where I was met yet again by the AP's and taken to the Line Chief (MSGT. George Tanner). He informed me that I would have to explain to the First Shirt and Squadron Commander why I had gone AWOL in SVN of all places. After I told him the truth and nothing but the truth ( I did leave Tom's name out of it), he commenced to chew my @$$. What the Hell was I thinking. If something had happened the AF would have listed me AWOL and missing in action, etc. If MSGT. Tanner had not vouched for me I do not know what they would have done. I really dodged a bullet.

I am in the first picture:

One day a man came home from work to find his wife crying hysterically in the kitchen.

"What's wrong, dearest?" asked the confused husband.

"Oh darling," sobbed the wife, "I was cleaning little Suzie's room when I found whips, handcuffs and chains under her bed, along with a very erotic porn magazine! What ever are we going to do?"

"Well," replied the man, "I guess a spanking is out of the question?"

Bob was staring sadly into his beer and sighed heavily.

“What’s up Bob?” asked the bartender… It’s not like you to be so down in the mouth.”

“It’s my five year old son…” Bob replied.
“Don’t tell me, he’s in trouble for fighting in school? – my lad’s just the same – forget about it; it happens to boys that age,” said the bartender, sympathetically.

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"

The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, of Noo Yawk City."

1- I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
2- There are two kinds of pedestrians . . . The quick and the dead.
3- Life is sexually transmitted.
4- Healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
5- The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
6- Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
7- Have you noticed since everyone has a cell phone these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
8- Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
9- All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
10- In the 60′s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
11- How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
12- Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, ‘I think I’ll squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out’? Hmmmmm, How about eggs ? . . .
13- If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
14- Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
16- If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
17- Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
18- Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
19- Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

A young lady came home and told her Mother that her boyfriend had proposed but she had turned him down because she found out he was an atheist, and didn't believe in Heaven or Hell."Marry him anyway, dear." the Mother said. "Between the two of us, we'll show him just how *wrong* he is."

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping
the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church
by hand.
He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from
copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes
to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone
made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up.
In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground with clubs and yelled, it was called witchcraft; today, in civilized society, it is called golf.

Golf is an expensive way of playing marbles.

The secret of good golf is to hit the ball hard, straight and not too often.

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 2 Africans, walk into a bar. After scrutinizing the group, the bartender says "I'm sorry, but I can't let you come in here without a Thai."

The Brothel:

A man was walking one day, when he came to this big house in a nice neighborhood.
Suddenly he realized there was a couple making love out on the lawn.

Murphy, a furniture dealer from Dublin, decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find.

After arriving in Paris, he visited with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home. To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine.

As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.

Milk Bath

A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. So she left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk.

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons so he knocked on her door to clarify the point.

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked.

"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.

"What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"

King Arthur was in Merlin's laboratory where the great wizard was showing him his latest creation. It was a chastity belt, except it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place, which made it basically useless.

"This is no good, Merlin!" the King exclaimed, "Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect my lady, the Queen, when I'm on a long quest?"

"Ah, sire, just observe, " said Merlin. He then selected his most worn out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two. "Merlin, you are a genius!" said the grateful monarch. "Now I can leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected."

After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon a lengthy Quest.

Several years passed until he returned to Camelot. Immediately he assembled all of his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal 'short arm' inspection.

Sure enough, each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way, everyone of them except, Sir Galahad.

"Sir Galahad, " exclaimed King Arthur. "You are my one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. Whatever it is in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours."

But, alas, Sir Galahad was speechless