Sonny

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar in London. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, What man here will buy a lady a drink? The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, Give the ballerina a drink! The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, What man here will buy a lady a drink? Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, Give the ballerina another drink! The bartender approached the little drunk and said, I say, old chap, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina? As far as I'm concerned, the drunk replied, any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!

Ya Might be a Redneck If: Jack Daniel's makes your list of "most admired people." You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean. The blue book value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas is in it. You think loading a dishwasher means getting your wife drunk. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan. You think the last words of the Star Spangled Banner are, "Gentlemen start your engines." You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night. Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey watch this." You have to go outside to get something from the fridge. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it. You come home from the garbage dump with more than you went with. More than one living relative is named after a southern civil war general. You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'ouerve Fewer than half of your cars run. There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house. Your mother doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the State Trooper to kiss her ass. The primary color of your car is "bondo". You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper quality entertainment. Your family tree doesn't fork. Your mother has been involved in a fistfight at a high school sports event. You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill. The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones. You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland. You use the term `over yonder' more than once a month. The diploma hanging in your den contains the words "Trucking Institute". Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack. You've been too drunk to fish. You think that the Styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time. You look upon a family reunion as a chance to meet `Ms. Right' You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures You've ever financed a tattoo. You have spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass. Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle. The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road". Your dog and your wallet are both on chains. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand. You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.

A man walks out to the street and catches a cab just going by. He gets into the cab, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank." Passenger: "Who?" Cabbie: "Frank Feldman... he's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time." Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody." Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone, and danced like a Broadway star. And you should have heard him play the piano! He was an amazing guy." Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special." Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order, and which fork to eat them with. And he could fix anything. Not like me - I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right." Passenger: "Wow, some guy then." Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back, even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman." Passenger: "An amazing man. How did you meet him?" Cabbie: "Well... I never actually met Frank. He died, and I married his friggin widow.....

A funny thought for the day from the movies... "It is a truth universally acknowledged that when one part of your life starts going okay, another falls spectacularly to pieces." ~ Renee Zellweger, Bridget Jone's Diary ~ [talking about his new wife] "Ignore her. She's drunk. At least I hope she is. Otherwise I'm in real trouble." ~ Timothy Walker, Four Weddings and a Funeral ~ ` "Relax Luther, it's much worse than you think." ~ Ethan Hunt, Mission: Impossible ~ "All I've ever wanted was an honest week's pay for an honest day's work." ~ Steve Martin, Bilko ~ "You know what the trouble about real life is? There's no danger music." ~ The Cable Guy ~ "The key here, I think, is to not think of death as an end. But, but, think of it more as a very effective way of cutting down on your expenses." ~ Woody Allen, Love and Death ~

Worried because they hadn't heard anything for days from the widow in the neighboring apartment, Mrs. Silver said to her son, "Timmy, would you go next door and see how old Mrs. Kirkland is?" A few minutes later, Timmy returned. "Well," asked Mrs. Silver, "is she all right?" "She's fine, except that she's angry at you." "At me?" the woman exclaimed. "Whatever for?" "She said 'It's none of your business how old she is,'" snickered Timmy.

A Thoughtful Valentine's Day Gift Jim asked his friend, Tony, whether he had bought his wife anything for Valentine's Day. 'Yes,' came the answer from Tony who was a bit of a chauvinist, 'I've bought her a belt and a bag.' 'That was very kind of you,' Jim added, 'I hope she appreciated the thought.' Tony smiled as he replied, 'So do I, and hopefully the vacuum cleaner will work better now.'

Interesting Questions: Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase? If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet? Why is it that bullets ricochet off of Superman's chest, but he ducks when the empty gun is thrown at him? When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting? Why do tourists go to the tops of tall buildings and then put money into telescopes so they can see things on the ground close-up? After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water? Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak? Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough? Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet? Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle? Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white? Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale? Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized? Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance? Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end you first try? How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures? When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right so why don't we say, "That hurt, you idiot?" Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over? In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

A blonde called the airport for flight information. "How long is your flight from Los Angeles to Denver?” she asked. "Just a minute," the pleasant agent replied. "Thank You" she said and hung up.

A boiled egg is hard to beat. A calendar's days are numbered. A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion. He had a photographic memory, which was never developed. A plateau is a high form of flattery. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead the dough basis. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses. Acupuncture: a jab well done.

After waiting more than an hour and a half for her date, Melissa decided she had been stood up. She changed from her best dinner dress into her pajamas and slippers, fixed herself a snack and resigned herself to an evening of TV. No sooner had she flopped down in front of the TV than her doorbell rang. There stood her date. He took one look at her and gasped, "I'm two hours late ... and you're still not ready?"

The Funny Wisdoms of Life: Some Are Witty and Some Are Even True: The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity. But not in that order - Brian Pickrell Never miss an opportunity to make others happy, even if you have to leave them alone in order to do it - Author unknown He has a face like a Saint - A Saint Bernard - Unknown I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer - Douglas Adams The empty vessel makes the greatest sound - William Shakespeare Silence and smile are two powerful words. Smile is the way to solve many problems and Silence is the way to avoid many problems - Anon Knowledge talks, wisdom listens There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full - Henry Kissinger He could start a row in an empty house - Sir Alex Ferguson on footballer Dennis Wise I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure - Clarence Darrow He has all the virtues I dislike, and none of the vices I admire - Winston Churchill I used to be indecisive, now I'm not so sure - W.C. Fields In the book of life, the answers aren't in the back - Charlie Brown To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone, and a funny bone - Reba McEntire Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway - Anon Mistakes are painful when they happen, but years later a collection of mistakes called Experience leads us to success A wise man listens to advice - Proverbs 12:15

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. He'd never been to church in his life. After Mass, the priest caught up with him and said, "Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?" Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father. A while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat." The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?" Murphy replied, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all." With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said, "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell?" Murphy slowly shook his head. "No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery,' I remembered where I left me hat."

How careers end: Lawyers are disbarred. Ministers are defrocked. Electricians are delighted. Far Eastern diplomats are disoriented. Drunks are distilled. Alpine climbers are dismounted. Piano tuners are unstrung. Orchestra leaders are disbanded. Artists' models are deposed. Cooks are deranged. Dressmakers are unbiased. Nudists are redressed. Office clerks are defiled. Mediums are dispirited. Programmers are decoded. Accountants are discredited. Holy people are disgraced. Pastry chefs are deserted. Perfume makers are dissented. Butterfly collectors are debugged. Students are degraded. Electricians are refused. Bodybuilders are rebuffed. Underwear models are debriefed Painters are discolored. Spinsters are dismissed. Judges are disappointed. Vegas dealers are discarded. Mathematicians are discounted. Tree surgeons disembark.

Having a rough day? Just in case you've had a rough day, here's a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological texts. The funny thing is that it really works. 1. Picture yourself near a stream. 2. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air. 3. No one but you knows your secret place. 4. You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called "the world,". 5. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity. 6. The water is crystal clear. 7. You can easily make out the face of the person you're holding underwater. 8. See, you're smiling already.

Words of Wisdom (2) There are only two things you "have to" do in life, you "have to" die, and you "have to" live until you die. You make up all the rest. Life is a journey, not a destination. He who laughs, lasts. If you are not rich, notice how you make yourself poor. The biggest risk in life is not risking. Learn to create, not compete. Anger is one letter short of danger. Keep the lesson but throw away the experience. There is no right or wrong, only consequences. All unhappiness is caused by comparison. It is not enough to aim, you must hit. If you and your partner always agree, one of you is unnecessary. Fortune favors the bold ! What is, was. What was, is. What will be, is up to me. You can only have one thing in life, results. You cannot control without being controlled. If you don't start, it's certain you won't arrive. When you blame others, you give up your power to change. Criticize the performance, not the performer. If you prepare for old age, old age comes sooner. If you have to be happy, you will always be unhappy. Hoping and Wishing are excuses for not Doing.

Words of wisdom ------------------------------------------------------------------- A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. ------------------------------------------------------------------- A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. ------------------------------------------------------------------- To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot & not try to understand her ... at all. ------------------------------------------------------------------- Married men lived longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die. Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing. ------------------------------------------------------------------- A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does. ------------------------------------------------------------------- Smart boss + smart employee = profit smart boss + dumb employee = production Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

Dilbert's words of wisdom Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it. Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If they aren't there the first time, chances are you won't be needing them again. I don't have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the hell is the ceiling My reality check bounced. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key. I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier. You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, because you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience. A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt. Don't irreplaceable -- if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before. The more junk you put up with, the more junk you are going to get. You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard. Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the day. When bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves. If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a darn fool about it. Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous".

Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink: Lady Astor to Winston Churchill Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it: Was Winston's reply. Work is the curse of the drinking class: Oscar Wilde. When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading: Henny Youngman. He was a wise man who invented beer: Plato. He talked with more claret than clarity: Susan Ertz One reason I don't drink is that I want to know when I am having a good time: Nancy Astor Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy: Benjamin Franklin. You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on: Dean Martin. The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind : Humphrey Bogart. You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline; it helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer: Frank Zappa. Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut: Ernest Hemmingway. Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me: Winston Churchill. I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer: Homer Simpson I drink to make other people interesting: George Jean Nathan. The intermediate stage between socialism and capitalism is alcoholism: Norman Brenner An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools: Ernest Hemmingway. My Grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle: Henny Youngman There are two things that will be believed of any man whatsoever, and one of them is that he has taken to drink: Booth Tarkington

Dad Jokes: Dad, did you get a haircut? No I got them all cut. What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car? Carlos. Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don’t think they’ll fit me. Can I watch the TV? Dad: Yes, but don’t turn it on. I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy. What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta. You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine. “Every time I hurt myself, even to this day, my dad says, ‘The good news is..it’ll feel better when it quits hurting.'” What’s brown and sticky? A stick. Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable. Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere. “I’ll call you later!”- “Please don’t do that. I’ve always asked you to call me Dad!” Q: Why did the cookie cry? A: Because his father was a wafer so long! What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff. This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there. “My dad literally told me this one last week: ‘Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.’” “Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, ‘No, just leave it in the carton!’” I got so angry the other day when I couldn’t find my stress ball. If I had a dime for every book I’ve ever read, I’d say: “Wow, that’s coincidental.” I’m not indecisive. Unless you want me to be. How many apples grow on a tree? All of them. How does a penguin build it’s house? Igloos it together. “Me: ‘Dad, make me a sandwich!’ Dad: ‘Poof, You’re a sandwich!’” “I heard there was a new store called Moderation. They have everything there A steak pun is a rare medium well done

Jennie was sitting at the defendant's table while the state trooper was being cross-examined on the witness stand. The lawyer asked, 'When you stopped the defendant, Jennie, were your red and blue lights flashing?' 'Yes, sir, they were.' 'Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?' 'Yes, sir, she did.' 'And,' looking at Jennie, 'what was it the defendant said?' 'She said, "What disco am I at?''

A woman noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. “Ha­­! That’s not going to help,” she said. “Sure, it does,” he said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”

Ponderings: How come you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead? Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations? You know how most packages say "Open here".What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"? Since Americans throw rice at weddings do orientals throw hamburgers? Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts? Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together? Why do people without out a watch look at their wrist when you ask them what time it is? Why do you ask someone without a watch what time it is? Who is General failure and why is he reading my disk ? The light went out, but where to ? Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have? Why is it you have a "pair" of pants and only one bra? How come when I call Information they can't tell me where my keys are? Why do people go to Burger King and Order a Double Whopper with a Large French Fry and insist on getting a Diet Coke? Does the reverse side also have a reverse side? Why is the alphabet in that order? If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into? If you got into a taxi and he started driving backwards, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?

A very interesting film about the first Air Force One: https://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=ehwvZXVKmPU