Sonny

THIRTY LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE: 1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't. 2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it. 3. I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me! 4. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them. 5. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. 6. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive. 7. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me 8. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. 9. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe. 10. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are missing. 11. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. 12. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine. 13. God must love stupid people; He made so many. 14. The gene pool could use a little chlorine. 15. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps. 16. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? 17. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it! 18. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up. 19. Procrastinate Now! 20. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That? 21.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes. 22.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance 23.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere! 24.. Be thankful we are not getting all the government we are paying for. 25..He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead. 26..A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory. 27..Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig. 28.. The trouble with life is there's no background music. 29.. The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson. 30.. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

BUMPER STICKERS Give me coffee and no one gets hurt. Don't wash this vehicle - Undergoing scientific dirt test Cover me. I'm changing lanes. Keep honking, I'm reloading He who laughs last thinks slowest Is reading in the bathroom considered Multi-Tasking? You must be from the shallow end of the gene pool. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me Jesus is coming, everyone look busy I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person The Earth Is Full - Go Home As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools My kid had sex with your honor student. Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT! I is a college student I souport publik edekasion If you think education is expensive, Try ignorance Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot. You! Out Of The Gene Pool! The gene pool could use a little chlorine. I took an IQ test and the results were negative. Beer - Helping ugly people have sex since 1765 BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore. Why drink and drive, when you can smoke and fly. Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool. If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups. Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. Never get into an argument with the schizophrenic person and say, "Just who do you think you are?" When she told me I was average, I figured she was just being mean. STUPIDITY should be Painful This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks you're an ass. Atheism is a non-profit organization. The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My Name I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To It's Been Lovely But I Have To Scream Now I Haven't Lost My Mind, It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory. Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs. I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die. I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen. Protected by .357 Magnum 3 days a week. You guess which 3

The following headlines were actually printed in newspapers: - Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One - Miners Refuse to Work after Death - Include Your Children when Baking Cookies - Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide - Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead - Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says - Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers - Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted - Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin case - Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents - Iraqi Head Seeks Arms - Prostitutes Appeal to Pope - Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over - British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands - Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms - Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Axe - Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told - Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant - War Dims Hope for Peace - Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures - Deer Kill 17,000 - Stolen Painting Found by Tree - Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy - Arson Suspect Held in Massachusetts Fire - Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood - Local High School Drop-outs Cut in Half - New Vaccine May Contain Rabies - Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors - Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years in Checkout Counter - Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years - Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges - Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge - New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group - Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft - Kids Make Nutritious Snacks - Eye Drops Off Shelf - Teachers Strike Idle Kids - Clinton Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead - Princess Diana Was Alive Hours Before She Died

Ken, I saw this and wondered if it was yours!! Sonny

Youngsters aren't the only people who take out personal ads. Seniors do too! And they have a sense of humor as well. Here are funny classified ads placed by actual senior citizens in Florida plus a few from Arizona. Male, 1922, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn't in running condition, but walks well. Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem. I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga, and meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together, take our hearing aids out, and enjoy quiet times. Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob, and caramel candy. I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights, and still like to play the guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let's get together and listen to my eight-track tapes. Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80's, slim, 5' 4" (used to be 5' 6"), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus. I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, let's put our two heads together. 80-year-old, bubbly, no assets, seeks handsome, virile Jewish male under 35. Object matrimony. I can dream, can't I? Wanted: Bonded escort, silver-haired (not dyed), two days a week for three active ladies, eighty-plus. Should look rich (but not too rich). Politically conservative. Good bridge player and waltzer. Sharp enough to handle six Bingo cards at once. Prefer chauffeur's license, L.P.N., and Black Belt in karate.

Studies have demonstrated that rednecks have the lowest stress rate, perhaps because they do not understand the seriousness of most medical terminology: Medical Term Redneck Definition Artery The study of paintings Bacteria Back door to cafeteria Barium What doctors do when patients die Benign What you be, after you be eight Caesarean Section A neighborhood in Rome Cat scan Searching for Kitty Cauterize Made eye contact with her Colic A sheep dog Coma A punctuation mark Dilate To live long Enema Not a friend Fester Quicker than someone else Fibula A small lie Impotent Distinguished, well known Labor Pain Getting hurt at work Medical Staff A Doctor's cane Morbid A higher offer Nitrates Rates of Pay for Working at Night, Normally more money than Days Node I knew it Outpatient A person who has fainted Pelvis Second cousin to Elvis Post Operative A letter carrier Recovery Room Place to do upholstery Rectum Nearly killed him Secretion Hiding something Seizure Roman Emperor Tablet A small table Terminal Illness Getting sick at the airport Tumor One plus one more Urine Opposite of you're out

New Words for the Workplace: Essential NEW WORDS FOR editions for the work-place vocabulary: BLAMESTORMING Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible. SEAGULL MANAGER A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves. ASSMOSIS The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard. SALMON DAY The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die. CUBE FARM An office filled with cubicles. PRAIRIE DOGGING When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. (This also applies to applause from a promotion because there may be cake.) MOUSE POTATO The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato. SITCOMs Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids or start a "home business". STRESS PUPPY A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny. XEROX SUBSIDY Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace. PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again. ADMINISPHERE The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the "adminisphere" are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. This is often affiliated with the dreaded "administrivia" - needless paperwork and processes. 404 Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located. OHNOSECOND That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all').

I am a senior citizen... - I'm the life of the party... even when it lasts 'till 8pm - I'm very good at opening childproof caps with a hammer. - I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I'm going. - I'm good on a trip for at least an hour without my aspirin, antacid... - I'm the first one to find the bathroom wherever I go. - I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up. - I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a word you're saying. - I'm very good at telling stories...over and over and over and over. - I'm aware that other people's grandchildren are not as bright as mine. - I'm so cared for: long-term care, eye care, private care, dental care. - I'm not grouchy, I just don't like traffic, waiting, children, politicians... - I'm positive I did housework correctly before the Internet. - I'm sure everything I can't find is in a secure place. - I'm wrinkled, saggy and lumpy, and that's just my left leg. - I'm having trouble remembering simple words like... uh... - I'm realizing that aging is not for sissies. - I'm walking more (to the bathroom) and enjoying it less. - I'm sure they are making adults much younger these days. - I'm in the *initial* state of my golden years: SS, CD's, IRA's, AARP. - I'm wondering, if you're only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 150? - I'm anti-everything now: anti-fat, anti-smoke, anti-noise, anti-inflammatory. - I'm a walking storeroom of facts... I've just lost the key to the storeroom. - I'm a Senior Citizen and I think I am having the time of my life... Aren't I?

Actual Newspaper Headlines: Big Rig Carrying Fruit Crashes on 210 Freeway, Creates Jam Kicking Baby Considered to be Healthy Crack Found on Governor's Daughter New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group Navy Changes Skirt Policy, Making Apparel Optional Stolen Painting Found by Tree Dead Officer on Force for 18 Years Headless Body Found in Topless Bar State Dinner Featured Cat, American Food All Utah Condemned to Face Firing Squad Robber Holds Up Albert's Hosiery Chinese Apeman Dated Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter Woman Kicked by her Husband said to be Greatly Improved Former Man Dies in California MacArthur Flies Back to Front Shut-Ins Can Grow Indoors with Lights Deer Kill 17,000 Court to Try Shooting Defendant Lucky Man Sees Pals Die Passengers Hit by Cancelled Trains New Vaccine To Contain Rabies Lucky Victim Stabbed Three Times London Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge President of Company Says, "Stud Tires Out" Arson Suspect Held in Massachusetts Fire Bridge Held Up By Red Tape Man, Minus Ear, Waives Hearing Man is Fatally Slain

How to tell if you're over caffeinated: You answer the door before people knock. You ski uphill. You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked. You speed walk in your sleep. You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit. You grind your coffee beans in your mouth. You sleep with your eyes open. You have to watch videos in fast-forward. The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake. You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer. You lick your coffeepot clean. You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work there. You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week. Your eyes stay open when you sneeze. The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse. Your T-shirt says, "Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's blend." You're so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas. You can type sixty words per minute ... with your feet. You can jump-start your car without cables. Cocaine is a downer. All your kids are named "Joe". You don't need a hammer to pound nails. Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low." You don't sweat, you percolate. You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug. You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee. You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in. You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers. People get dizzy just watching you. You've worn the finish off your coffee table. Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house. Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp. You're so wired, you pick up FM radio. Your life's goal is to amount to a hill of beans. Instant coffee takes too long. You channel surf faster without a remote. When someone says. "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop." You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can. You want to come back as a coffee mug in your next life. Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil. You'd be willing to spend time in a Turkish prison. You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee. You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer. You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar."

A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait. Once the test was over, the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point." The next class the professor handed the tests back out. This student got back his test and $56 change.

I had a blind date last night but before it I was worried what to do if she was really unattractive. My friend told me not to worry as there’s an app for just that situation. It’s called “Mom Are You Ok” and it schedules your phone to ring just after you meet your date. If you like her, you just ignore your phone. If you want to cut short the date, you answer with, “Mom? What’s the matter? Are you okay?” It works every time, no worries. So anyway, I knocked on the girl’s door and it turns out I needn’t have worried at all. She was absolutely gorgeous and stunning! But just when I was about to speak to her, her phone rang. She answered it and said, “Mom? What’s the matter? Are you okay?”

A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?" Little Larry says: "I wanna start out as a Fighter Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest whore, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane." The teacher, shocked and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Larry, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson. "And how about you, Sarah?" "I wanna be Larry’s whore..."

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe. Remember: First you pillage then you burn. To err is human. To forgive is against company policy. If at first you don't succeed, redefine success. Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge to market reproductive organs. Half the people in the world are below average. Failure is not an option. It's bundled with your software. You chatter more than a dolphin by a fish bucket. Save the whales: collect the whole set . I just got lost in thought, and it was unfamiliar territory. You have the right to remain silent, anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains? Atheism is a non-prophet organization. The problem with sex in the movies is the popcorn usually spills. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol. Time is a great healer, but a terrible beautician. Capital punishment isn't for making examples, it's for making bad people dead. My mind is like a steel trap - rusty and illegal in 37 states. Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of. The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes. Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism. Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with. No one is listening until you make a mistake. Success always occurs in private and failure in full view. The colder the x-ray table the more of your body is required on it. The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life. Two wrongs are only the beginning. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. Change is inevitable except from vending machines. Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow. Always try to be modest and be proud of it!

Employment History: My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn't concentrate. I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax. I was a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it. It was a so-so job. I worked in a muffler factory but that was exhausting. I was a barber, but I just couldn't cut it. I tried to be a chef. I thought it would add a little spice to my life,but I just didn't have the thyme. I was a deli worker, but anyway I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard. I was a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy. I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have the patients. I worked in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn't fit in. I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income. I always wanted to be a witch, so I tried that for a spell. I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining. I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes but I was fired because I wasn't up to it. I got a job in a health club, but they said I wasn't fit for the job. I found being an electrician interesting, but the work was shocking. I got a job as a historian but I realized there was no future in it. I was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.

An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their Golden Wedding Anniversary. "Let's have a big party, Homer," she suggested. "You'll need to kill a pig." The farmer scratched his grizzled head. "Gee, Ethel," he finally answered, "I don't see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago."

A man goes to the confessional and says, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned." "What is your sin, my child?" the Priest asks. "Well," the man starts, "I used the 'F'-word today and I feel so terrible." "Why don't you tell me what happened. What made you use such awful language?" asked the Priest. "Well, I was out golfing and I hit this incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 250 yards, but the ball hit a phone line hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going about 100 yards." "I'm a golfer myself my son" said the Priest "I understand what you were feeling. So this is when you swore?" "No Father," said the man, "You see, after that a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in his mouth and began to run away." "And this is when you swore?" asked the Father again. "No not yet. Just as the squirrel was running away, this eagle came down out of the sky and grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!" "And it was then that you swore?" asked the amazed Priest. "No, not yet," replied the man, "Just as the eagle was flying away with the squirrel he flew towards a wooded area next to the green. And as he passed over it, the squirrel dropped my ball." "Did you swear then, my son?" asked the now impatient Priest. "No, because as the ball fell it struck a tree, bounced through some bushes, careened off a big rock, and then rolled through a sand trap and on to the green and stopped dead six inches from the hole!" told the man. The priest sighed, "You missed the putt, didn't you?!! .

When Peters learned that he was being fired, he went to see the head of human resources. "Since I've been with the firm for so long," he said, "I think I deserve at least a letter of recommendation." The human resources director agreed and said he'd have the letter that next day. The following morning, Peters found the letter on his desk. It read, "Jonathan Peters worked for our company for eleven years. When he left us, we were very satisfied."

Even More Ponderings: Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour? Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life. Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. No one is listening until you make a mistake. The severity of the itch is proportional to inability to the reach it. Two wrongs are only the beginning. The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. A fool and his money are soon partying. Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them. It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats. Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

Happy belated birthday to all three of you!!! Sonny

Definitions: Arbitrator ar'-bi-tray-ter: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's. Avoidable uh-voy'-duh-buhl: What a bullfighter tries to do. Baloney buh-lo'-nee: Where some hemlines fall. Bernadette burn'-a-det: The act of torching a mortgage. Burglarize bur'-gler-ize: What a crook sees with. Control kon-trol': A short, ugly inmate. Counterfeiters kown-ter-fit-ers: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets. Eclipse i-klips': what an English barber does for a living. Eyedropper i'-drop-ur: a clumsy ophthalmologist. Heroes hee'-rhos: what a guy in a boat does. Left Bank left' bangk': what the robber did when his bag was full of loot. Misty mis'-tee: How golfers create divots. Paradox par'-u-doks: two physicians. Parasites par'-uh-sites: what you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower. Pharmacist farm'-uh-sist: a helper on the farm. Polarize po'-lur-ize: what penguins in Antarctica see. Primate pri'-mat: removing your spouse from in front of the TV. Relief ree-leef': what trees do in the spring. Rubberneck rub'-er-nek: what you do to relax your wife. Seamstress seem'-stres: describes 200 pounds in a size two. Selfish sel'-fish: what the owner of a seafood store does. Subdued sub-dood': a guy, that works on one of those submarines. Sudafed sood'-a-fed: bringing litigation against a government official

Yep..More Ponderings: I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions. If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead?" What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men? I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans. Why not modern Latin: VENI, VEDI, VISA - I came, I saw, I shopped. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for? STRESSED spelled backwards is DESSERTS. Strange! No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is winning. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire. I believe for every drop of rain that falls, a flower grows. And a foundation leaks and a ball game gets rained out and a car rusts and... If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone. Just take another road. That's why the highway department made so many of them. Try a little kindness. As little as possible. Into every life some rain must fall. Usually when your car windows are down. I love playing cards with children. They can't tell you're dealing off the bottom of the deck. Remember: you can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar... Of course, how you spend your leisure time is your business. A man's best friend is his dog. That's assuming you want a friend who messes on your carpet and drools on your newspaper. If I won the lottery, I wouldn't be one of those people who immediately quit their jobs. I'd make my boss's life a living hell for a week or two first. A rose by any other name would stick you just as bad and draw just as much blood when you grab a thorn.