Sonny

Interesting Quotes #2 Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement. - Mark Twain The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, and to have the two as close together as possible. - George Burns Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year. - Victor Borge Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country. - Mayor (of Washington DC) Marion Barry By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. - Socrates I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. - Groucho Marx My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. - Jimmy Durante I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. - Zsa Zsa Gabor Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential foodgroups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. - Alex Levine My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. - Rodney Dangerfield Money can't buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. - Spike Milligan I am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the position. - Mark Twain Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was "Shut Up". - Joe Namath I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap. - Bob Hope I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. - W.C. Fields We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress. - Will Rogers Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you. - Winston Churchill Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty, but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out. - Phyllis Diller By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere. - Billy Crystal Intelligence tests are biased toward the literate. - George Carlin You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus. - Mark Twain The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously. - Hubert Humphrey My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives - Rita Rudner Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. - Maryon Pearson A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way. - Mark Twain Experience is not what happens to a man. It is what a man does with what happens to him. - Aldous Huxley If you want to live like a Republican, vote for a Democrat. - Harry S. Truman The average dog is a nicer person than the average person. - Andy Rooney Good judgement comes from experience. Experience often comes from bad judgement. - Rita Brown An apple a day, if well aimed, keeps the doctor away. - P. G. Wodehouse Censorship is telling a man he can't have a steak just because a baby can't chew it. - Mark Twain Whoever said, "It's not whether you win or lose that counts" probably lost. - Martina Navratilova Don't trust nobody but your momma. And even then, look at her real good! - Bo Diddley When I go to the beach, my grandchildren try to make words out of the veins in my legs. That's why I still take the pill; I don't want any more grandchildren. - Phyllis Diller Whenever you have an efficient government, you have a dictatorship. - Harry S. Truman In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is. - Jan L.A. van de Snepscheut

Interesting Quotes Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse. - Groucho Marx If you want something said, ask a man. If you want something done, ask a woman. - Margaret Thatcher In China, when you're one in a million, there are 1,300 other people just like you. - Bill Gates It is very simple to be happy, but it is very difficult to be simple. - Rabindranath Tagore The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them. - Mark Twain Doing nothing is very hard to do. You never know when you're finished. - Leslie Nielsen Matrimony isn't a word, it's a sentence. - Eddie Cantor Gray hair is God's graffiti. - Bill Cosby We must take change by the hand or rest assuredly, change will take us by the throat. - Winston Churchill Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse. - Lily Tomlin You can always count on the United States to do the right thing, once it has exhausted the alternatives. - Winston Churchill The worst thing that can happen to you can be the best thing for you, if you don't let it get the best of you. - Will Rogers If at first you don't succeed, remove all evidence you have ever tried. - Ricky Gervais There is nothing so useless as doing efficiently that which should not be done at all. - Peter Drucker When you're certain you cannot be fooled, you become easy to fool. - Edward Teller History doesn't repeat itself, but it does rhyme. - Mark Twain This job will drive me to drink, and for that reason, I will be eternally grateful. - W. C. Fields (thanks to Larry the K) If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door. - Milton Berle It's not the men in my life, it's the life in my men. - Mae West (thanks to Larry the K) I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure. - Clarence Darrow He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire. - Winston Churchill It isn't pollution that is harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it. - Dan Quayle Never slap a man who is chewing tobacco. - Will Rogers Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. - Mark Twain You only get a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity so many times. - Pittsburgh Steelers cornerback Ike Taylor There are two kinds of people in the world: those who divide the world into two kinds of people, and those who don't. - Robert Benchley I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body. - University of Kentucky Forward Winston Bennett (thanks to Bob Morse) In theory, theory and practice are the same. In practice, they are not. - Albert Einstein If everybody's thinking the same thing, then nobody's thinking. - George S. Patton I am not young enough to know everything. - Oscar Wilde Always drink upstream from the herd. - Will Rogers I had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it. - Groucho Marx It's time for the human race to enter the solar system. - Dan Quayle Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.' - Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter) He has no enemies, but he is intensely disliked by his friends. - Oscar Wilde I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: "No good in a bed, but fine against a wall." - Eleanor Roosevelt

Questions & answers from the classic game show Q. Do female frogs croak? A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough. Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be? A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it. Q. True or False - a pea can last as long as 5,000 years. A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes. Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman? A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake. Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married? A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning. Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older? A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency. Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'? A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty. Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'? A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment. Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking? A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question, Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget. Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather? A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily. Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year? A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries. Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score? A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy. Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other? A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures. Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet? A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom. Q. Can boys join the Campfire Girls? A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out. Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do? A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark? Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to? A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark. Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people? A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the Army. Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it? A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected. Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do? A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth. Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant? A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant? Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex? A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him. Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they? A. Charley Weaver: His feet. Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed? A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.

Quotes about Golf Those of you that play will understand. These greens are so fast I have to hold my putter over the ball and hit it with the shadow. - Sam Snead I was three over. One over a house, one over a patio, and one over a swimming pool. - George Brett Actually, the only time I ever took out a one-iron was to kill a tarantula. And I took a 7 to do that. - Jim Murray The only sure rule in golf is: he who has the fastest cart never has to play the bad lie. - Mickey Mantle Sex and golf are the two things you can enjoy even if you're not good at them. - Kevin Costner After all these years, it's still embarrassing for me to play on the American golf tour. Like the time I asked my caddie for a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye. - Chi Chi Rodriguez The ball retriever is not long enough to get my putter out of the tree. - Brian Weis Swing hard in case you hit it. - Dan Marino My favorite shots are the practice swing and the conceded putt. The rest can never be mastered. - Lord Robertson Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air. - Jack Benny There is no similarity between golf and putting; they are two different games, one played in the air, and the other on the ground. - Ben Hogan Professional golf is the only sport where, if you win 20% of the time, you're the best. - Jack Nicklaus The uglier a man's legs are, the better he plays golf. It's almost a law. - H. G. Wells I never pray on a golf course. Actually, the Lord answers my prayers everywhere except on the course. - Billy Graham If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. - Bob Hope While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake. - Henny Youngman If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball. - Jack Lemmon You can make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my ex-wives. Both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands work. - Lee Trevino I'm not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they'd come up sliced. - Lee Trevino

Yogi Berra Quotes #2 He always spoke his mind. How long have you known me, Jack? And you still don't know how to spell my name. (Upon receiving a check from Jack Buck made out to "Bearer".) I'd say he's done more than that. (When asked if first baseman Don Mattingly had exceeded expectations for the current season.) He can run anytime he wants. I'm giving him the red light. (On the acquisition of Rickey Henderson.) I knew exactly where it was, I just couldn't find it. If you don't know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else. You've got to be very careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there. The towels were so thick there I could hardly close my suitcase. You better cut the pizza in four pieces. I'm not hungry enough to eat eight. I don't know, I'm not in shape yet. (When asked what size cap he wanted.) I want to thank you for making this day necessary. (On Yogi Berra Appreciation Day in 1947.) I don't remember leaving, so I guess we didn't go. I'd find the fellow who lost it, and, if he was poor, I'd return it. (When asked what he would do if he found a million dollars.) I usually take a two hour nap, from one to four. Steve McQueen looks good in this movie. He must have made it before he died. It gets late early out there. (Referring to the sun conditions in left field at the stadium.) It was hard to have a conversation with anyone - there were too many people talking. I always thought that record would stand until it was broken. Texas has a lot of electrical votes. (During an election campaign - after George Bush stated that Texas was important to the election.) You can observe a lot just by watching. No, you didn't wake me up. I had to get up to answer the phone anyway. I really liked it. Even the music was good. (When asked if he liked the opera one evening.) Why buy good luggage? You only use it when you travel. Shut up and talk. Once, Yogi's wife Carmen asked, "Yogi, you are from St. Louis, we live in New Jersey, and you played ball in New York. If you go before I do, where would you like me to have you buried?" To this, Yogi replied, "Surprise me." Carmen said "I took Tim to see Doctor Zhivago today." Yogi replied, "What the hell's wrong with him now?

Railrunner130, Supposedly all of them.

Yogi Berra Quotes Anyone who is popular is bound to be disliked. If you don't know where you're going, chances are you will end up somewhere else. (When bumped by a man carrying a grandfather clock) Why can't you wear a watch like everybody else? I really didn't say everything I said. If you ask me a question I don't know, I'm not going to answer. It ain't the heat; it's the humility. It's deja-vu all over again. You should always go to other people's funerals. Otherwise they won't come to yours. The only reason I need these gloves is 'cause of my hands. You can't think and hit at the same time. If the world were perfect, it wouldn't be. If I didn't wake up, I'd still be sleeping. The other teams could make trouble for us if they win. I knew I was going to take the wrong train, so I left early. If you can't imitate him, don't copy him. Never answer an anonymous letter. 90% of the game is half mental. It's never happened in the World Series history - and it hasn't happened since. I'm as red as a sheet. It's not too far, it just seems like it is. If you don't set goals, you can't regret not reaching them. Slump? I ain't in no slump. I just ain't hitting. We were overwhelming underdogs. A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore. Nobody goes there anymore. It's too crowded. You mean now? (When asked for the time.) We have a good time together, even when we're not together. Little League baseball is a good thing because it keeps the parents off the streets and the kids out of the house. The future ain't what it used to be. If you come to a fork in the road, take it. Pair up in threes. Don't get me right, I'm just asking. I wish I had an answer to that, because I'm tired of answering that question. You give 100 percent in the first half of the game, and if that isn't enough in the second half you give what's left. 90% of short putts don't go in. We made too many wrong mistakes. Thanks, you don't look so hot yourself. (After being told he looked cool.) We're lost, but we're making great time! If people don't want to come to the ball park, how are you going to stop them?

Actual Newspaper Headlines #3 Kids Make Nutritious Snacks Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in Ten Years Plane Too Close To Ground, Crash Probe Told New Vaccine May Contain AIDS Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case Iraqi Head Seeks Arms Hospitals Sued By Seven Foot Doctors Expert Says Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash Bank Drive-in Window Blocked By Board Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft Grandmother of Eight Makes Hole in One Eye Drops Off Shelf Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim Dealers Will Hear Car Talk at Noon Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax Lawmen From Mexico Barbecue Guests Miners Refuse to Work After Death Two Soviet Ships Collide - One Dies Two Sisters Reunite After Eighteen Years at Checkout Counter Never Withhold Herpes From Loved One Nicaragua Sets Goal to Wipe Out Literacy Drunk Drivers Paid $1,000 in 1984 Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66 Autos Killing 110 a Day, Let's Resolve to do Better If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly it May Last a While War Dims Hope for Peace Smokers are Productive, but Death Cuts Efficiency Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half Child's Death Ruins Couple's Holiday

Actual Newspaper Headlines #2 Lady Gaga Fan Dies at Concert, Recovers Blind Woman Gets New Kidney from Dad She Hasn't Seen in Years New Housing for Elderly Not Yet Dead Pasco Man Arrested: Says 48 Beers was Likely 10 Too Many Motorcycle Deaths Drop, but Trend is Worrisome Woman with Arms Held Red Cross in Search of Donors with Low Blood Supply Local Man Fails Breathalyzer Test Despite Eating Underwear Supreme Court Rules that Murderers shall not be Electrocuted Twice for the Same Crime Deaf Mute Gets New Hearing in Killing Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers House Passes Gas Tax Onto Senate Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again Stiff Opposition Expected to Casketless Funeral Plan Two Convicts Evade Noose, Jury Hung Police Found Safe Under Blanket William Kelly Was Fed Secretary Milk Drinkers are Turning to Powder Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted Quarter of a Million Chinese Live on Water Farmer Bill Dies in House Queen Mary Having Bottom Scraped Is There a Ring of Debris Around Uranus? Prostitutes Appeal to Pope Panda Mating Fails - Veterinarian Takes Over NJ Judge to Rule on Nude Beach Child's Stool Great for Use in Garden Dr. Ruth to Talk About Sex With Newspaper Editors Organ Festival Ends in Smashing Climax

Actual Newspaper Headlines Big Rig Carrying Fruit Crashes on 210 Freeway, Creates Jam Kicking Baby Considered to be Healthy Crack Found on Governor's Daughter New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group (thanks to Bob Morse) Navy Changes Skirt Policy, Making Apparel Optional Stolen Painting Found by Tree Dead Officer on Force for 18 Years Headless Body Found in Topless Bar (thanks to Larry) State Dinner Featured Cat, American Food All Utah Condemned to Face Firing Squad Robber Holds Up Albert's Hosiery Chinese Apeman Dated Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter (thanks to Bob Morse) Woman Kicked by her Husband said to be Greatly Improved Former Man Dies in California MacArthur Flies Back to Front Shut-Ins Can Grow Indoors with Lights Deer Kill 17,000 Court to Try Shooting Defendant Lucky Man Sees Pals Die Passengers Hit by Cancelled Trains New Vaccine To Contain Rabies Lucky Victim Stabbed Three Times London Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide (thanks to Bob Morse) Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge President of Company Says, "Stud Tires Out" Arson Suspect Held in Massachusetts Fire Bridge Held Up By Red Tape Man, Minus Ear, Waives Hearing Man is Fatally Slain

Toys: Women: Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest. Men: Men never grow out of their toy obsession. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive, silly and impractical. Examples of men's toys: little miniature TVs. Car phones. Complicated juicers and blenders. Graphic equalizers. Small robots that serve cocktails on command. Video games. Anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least 6 "D" batteries to operate. Cameras: Men: Men take photography very seriously. They'll shell out $4000 for state of the art equipment, and build dark rooms and take photography classes. Women: Women purchase Kodak Instamatics. Of course, women always end up taking better pictures. Locker Rooms: Men: In the locker room men talk about three things: money, football, and women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women. Women: They talk about one thing in the locker room - sex. And not in abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and technical, and they never lie. Movies: Women: Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by a man. Men: The only actor who has ever appeared nude in the movies is Richard Gere. This is another reason why men hate him. Jewelry: Women: Women look nice when they wear jewelry. Men: A man can get away with wearing one ring and that's it. Any more than that and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic. Conversation: Men: Men need a good disagreement to get talking. For instance, "Wow, great movie." or "What are you, nuts? No REAL cop would have an Uzi that size." Women: Women, not having this problem, try to initiate conversations with men by saying something agreeable: "That garden by the roadside looks lovely." "Mm hmm." Pause. "That was a good restaurant last night, wasn't it?" "Yeah." Pause. And so on. Leg Warmers: Women: Leg warmers are sexy. A woman, even if she's walking the dog or doing the dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers. She can wear them any time she wants. Men: A man can only wear leg warmers if he is auditioning for the "Gimme the Ball" number in "A Chorus Line." Friends: Women: Women on a girls' night out talk the whole time. Men: Men on a boy's night out say about twenty words all night, most of which are "Pass the Doritos" or "got any more beer?" Restrooms: Women: Women use restrooms as social lounges. Women who've never met will leave a restroom giggling together like old friends. Women also go to the restroom in packs, at least two women at a time excuse themselves to use the restroom. Men: Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. Men in a restrooms will never speak a word to each other. And never in the history of the world has a man excused himself from a restaurant table by saying, "Hey, Tom, I was just about to take a leak. Do you want to join me?"

Men vs. Women #1 Subtle differences. Handwriting: Men: To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken-scratch. Women: Women use scented, colored stationery and they dot the "i" with circles or hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in the "b" and "g". It is a pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she will put a smiley face at the end of the note. Groceries: Women: A woman makes a list of things she needs, then goes out to the store and buys those things. Men: A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the express lane. Relationships: Women: When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots". Then she will get on with her life. Men: A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the break-up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know that there's always a chance for us." This is known as the "I Hate You / I Love You" drunken phone call, that 99% of all men have made at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need. Sex: Women: They prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay. Men: They prefer 30-40 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place part of the foreplay. Maturity: Women: They mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old females can function as adults. Men: Most 17-year old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out. Magazines: Men: Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman's body. Women: Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day. Most naked men elicit laughter from women. Bathrooms: Men: A man has six items in his bathroom -- a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. Women: The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man cannot identify most of these items. Shoes: Women: When preparing for work, a woman will put on a wool suit, then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk. Men: A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day. Let's not talk about how many days he'll wear the same socks.

Too Much Coffee? #2 You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug. You can outlast the Energizer bunny. You short out motion detectors. You have a conniption fit over spilled milk. You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore. Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale. You think being called a "drip" is a compliment. You don't tan, you roast. You don't get mad, you get steamed. Your three favorite things in life are...coffee before, coffee during and coffee after. Your lover uses soft lights, romantic music, and a glass of iced coffee to get you in the mood. You can't even remember your second cup. You help your dog chase its tail. You soak your dentures in coffee overnight. Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London. You introduce your spouse as your coffeemate. You think CPR stands for "Coffee Provides Resuscitation." Your Thermos is on wheels. Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position. Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.

You answer the door before people knock. You ski uphill. You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked. You speed walk in your sleep. You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit. You grind your coffee beans in your mouth. You sleep with your eyes open. You have to watch videos in fast-forward. The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake. You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer. You lick your coffeepot clean. You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work there. You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week. Your eyes stay open when you sneeze. You chew on other people's fingernails. The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse. Your T-shirt says, "Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's blend." You're so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas. You can type sixty words per minute ... with your feet. You can jump-start your car without cables. Cocaine is a downer. All your kids are named "Joe". You don't need a hammer to pound nails. Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low." You don't sweat, you percolate. You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug. You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee. You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in. Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down. You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers. People get dizzy just watching you. You've worn the finish off your coffee table. Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house. Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp. You're so wired, you pick up FM radio. People can test their batteries in your ears. Your life's goal is to amount to a hill of beans. Instant coffee takes too long. You channel surf faster without a remote. When someone says. "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop." You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can. You want to come back as a coffee mug in your next life. Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil. You'd be willing to spend time in a Turkish prison. You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee. You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer. You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar." You get drunk just so you can sober up.

I always finish what I st Procrastinate now. The last time politics and religion were mixed, people were burned at the stake. Rehab is for quitters. My dog can lick anyone! I have a degree in Liberal Arts - do you want fries with that? Suburbia: Where they tear out the trees and name streets after them. Do they ever shut up on your planet? If you were born again, would you have two bellybuttons? All men are idiots, and I married their King. I'm out of estrogen and I've got a gun! I'm always late. My ancestors arrived on the Juneflower. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance. Who are these children, and why do they keep calling me Mom? The trouble with life is there's no background music. NyQuil - The stuffy, sneezy, why-the-hell-is-the-room-spinning medicine. Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research. Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble wrap is cheap. You choose. Gravity: It's not just a good idea. It's the law. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? You - Off my planet.

Sparks, Thanks.

BUMPER STICKERS What I really need are minions. Beer: It's not just for breakfast anymore. So you're a feminist. Isn't that cute? I'm an English major: You do the math. I need someone real bad. Are you real bad? Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. The more you complain the longer God makes you live. I R S: We've got what it takes to take what you've got. Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now. Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs. Out of my mind - back in five minutes. Without ME, it's just AWESO. As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools. Life would be easier if I had the source code. Hang up and drive. God must love stupid people. He made SO many. I said "no" to drugs, but they didn't listen. Your kid may be an Honor Student, but YOU'RE still an idiot. I fish, therefore I lie. Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips. I took an IQ test and the results were negative. Where there's a will, I want to be in it. If catapults are outlawed, only outlaws will have catapults. It's lonely at the top, but you eat better. Don't drink and drive. You might hit a bump and spill your drink. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed. And your cry-baby whiny-assed opinion would be...? Warning: Dates on calendar are closer than they appear. I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years. Allow me to introduce my selves. Sarcasm is just one more service I offer. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you weren't asleep. I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one. There's no place like 127.0.0.1 I just want revenge. Is that so wrong? I'm supposed to back up my hard drive, but how do I put it into reverse? You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it? Chaos, panic, and disorder - my work here is done. Earth is full. Go home. Is it time for your medication or mine? Nyquil: the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-hell-is-the-room-spinning medicine. How do I set a laser printer to stun? Getting on your feet means getting off your butt. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert. If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen. First National Bank of Dad; Sorry, closed. In dog years, I'm dead! South Korea's got Seoul! Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye opener.

BUMPER STICKERS: This bumper sticker intentionally left blank. When you do a good deed, get a receipt in case heaven is like the IRS. What would Gandalf do? Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most. Double your drive space. Delete Windows. Does anal retentive have a hyphen? If it ain't broke, take it apart and fix it. Resistance is futile (if > 1 ohm). My mother was a moonshiner, and I love her still. MOP AND GLO - The floor wax used by Three Mile Island cleanup team. I'm Canadian. It's like being American, but without the gun. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson. The control key on the keyboard does not work. The meek shall inherit the earth, after we're through with it. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it! Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up. National Sarcasm Society. (Like we need your support) Jesus loves you! Everybody else thinks you're a jerk. Lawyers have feelings too (allegedly). If there is no God, who always pops up that next Kleenex? Too much Pluribus, not enough Unum.

Words to Live By at Work #2 If at first you don't succeed, go into management. When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried. Following the rules will not get the job done. Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules. When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?" No matter how much you do, you never do enough. The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid. What am I? Flypaper for freaks? I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of karma to burn off. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial. No, my powers can only be used for good. How about never? Is never good for you? I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me. You sound reasonable. Time to up my medication. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message. I don't work here. I'm a consultant. Who me? I just wander from room to room. It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level, I'm really quite busy. At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

Bumper Stickers Where is the rapture when you need it? Faster than a speeding ticket. Better half a slogan... People who think they know it all really annoy those of us who do. Ham radio operators do it with greater frequency. I have a perfect body. It's your vision that's defective. Well, at least the war on the environment is going well. Just be happy I'm not a twin. I'm not perfect, but I'm so close that it scares me. Churches only worship the prophet margin. You probably don't recognize me without my cape. Don't believe everything you think. Without geometry, life is pointless. WWJD (Who Wants Jelly Donuts? I'm schizophrenic and so am I. Cats make everything taste better. Stable relationships are for horses. Your body would look good in my trunk. Just say NO to negativity. I thought I was indecisive; now I'm not so sure. 333: I'm only half evil. I read the Constitution for the articles.

Experience What is it? Experience is what you get when you're looking for something else. Experience is the hardest kind of teacher. It gives you the test first, and the lesson afterwards. Past experience should be a guide post, not a hitching post. Experience is knowledge acquired too late. Some people learn from their experiences, some people never recover from them. Experience is what you have left when everything else is gone. An optimist is someone without much experience. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. Experience is knowing a lot of things that you shouldn't do. Some people speak from experience. Some people, from experience, don't speak. Experience is a good school, but you never get a vacation. There is only one thing more painful than learning from experience, and that is not learning from experience. Experience enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it the second time. The school of experience will let you repeat the lesson if you flunk the first time. Experience is something you have plenty of when you're too old to get the job.

Why were you fired? I used to be a butcher, but I backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in my work. I used to be an optician, but I made a spectacle of myself. I worked on screen doors, but I strained myself. I used to work as a hot-air balloon pilot, but my status was up in the air. I used to work in a frozen food factory, but I got fresh and then they canned me. I used to work in a dairy. I got fired for getting in the whey. I lost my job at the massage parlor. I rubbed people the wrong way. I wanted to get a job as a gynecologist, but I couldn't find an opening. I was working in an orange juice factory, but I couldn't concentrate. I tried to be a chef. I imagined it would add a little spice to my life, but I didn't have the thyme. I once was a tailor, but I wasn't suited for it. It was a so-so job. I worked at Starbucks, but it was the same old grind. I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was too exhausting. I tried to work at a deli, but no matter how I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard. I worked for a plumber, but that work was too draining. I even worked as a lumberjack, but I couldn't hack it. So they gave me the ax. I tried to work in a shoe factory, but I couldn't fit in. I became a fisherman, but couldn't live on my net income. I was a musician, but I found I wasn't noteworthy. I then got a job at a workout club, but they said I wasn't fit for the job. I got a job as a historian, but there was no future in that! I wanted to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience.

C-130E 62-1814 CRB, Viet Nam March 3, 1968. Fire in aft cockpit. Some say caused by a hard landing. I believe all aboard survived.

Will Rogers Quotes Will Rogers, who died in a 1935 plane crash, was one of the greatest political sages this country has ever known. Here are some of his best quotes: We always want the best man to win an election. Unfortunately, he never runs. - Will Rogers Never squat while wearing your spurs. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day. There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither works. Never miss a good chance to shut up. Always drink upstream from the herd. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back into your pocket. There are three kinds of men: the ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment. If you're riding ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there. Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut. Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it. The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for. Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me; I want people to know why I look this way. I've traveled a long way, and some of the roads weren't paved. When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of algebra. You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks. I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top. One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it's such a nice change from being young. One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been. Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable. Long ago, when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, it's called golf. If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you're old.