Sonny

Hell or High Water One night, a torrential rain soaked South Louisiana; the next morning the resulting floodwaters came up about 6 feet into most of the homes there. Mrs. Boudreaux was sitting on her roof with her neighbor, Mrs. Thibodaux, waiting for help to come. Mrs. Thibodaux noticed a lone baseball cap floating near the house. Then she saw it float far out into the front yard, then float all the way back to the house; it kept floating away from the house, then back in. Her curiosity got the best of her, so she asked Mrs. Boudreaux, "Do you see that baseball cap floating away from the house, then back again?" Mrs. Boudreaux said, "Oh yes, that's my husband; I told him he was going to cut the grass today come Hell or high water!"

With a very seductive voice a wife asked her husband "Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?" "No" said her husband. She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top three buttons of her blouse and slowly reached down in her cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill. He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly. She then asked "Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?" "No I haven’t" he said with an anxious tone in his voice. She gave him another sexy little smile pulled up her skirt, seductively reached into her tight sheer panties and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill. He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation. "Now" she said "Have you ever seen 50,000 Dollars all crumpled up?" "No way" he said becoming even more aroused and excited to which she replied: "Go look in the carport.

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter ‘What are you doing?’ ! She asked. ‘Hunting Flies’ He responded. ‘Oh. ! Killing any?’ She asked. ‘Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,’ he replied. Intrigued, she asked. ‘How can you tell them apart?’ ! He responded, ’3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone

Ken Yes I am. Hope all is well in Montana, Sonny

Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..." A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything." Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted. A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here." A dyslexic man walks into a bra. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road." Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?" "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" Doc says "It's Not Unusual." Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly,"I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed,is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really, really heavy." I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any. I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high." 15 . I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel. 16 . What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?" The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun." The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle." "And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried. Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No." The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!" "That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear." "That's kind of what I'm getting at..." replied the doctor.

In-Flight Humor Real examples of humor on commercial flights. While showing the use of the oxygen mask: "If you are seated next to a child or someone acting like one, please assist them in putting on the breathing apparatus. A Southwest flight attendant said this as the door was opened: "OK, now I'm going to tell you exactly what my Mama told me on my 18th birthday. GET OUTTA HERE." "Hello Everyone, we have a first time flyer on board today - and it is also their 50th birthday!" After everybody cheers, the flight attendant continues, "Will everyone please wish the captain a Happy Birthday!?" The pilot dropped out of the fog at Spokane Washington and discovered he was half way down the runway and slammed the plane down onto the ground. The flight attendant announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, we just dropped into Spokane." "Welcome to Las Vegas, Nevada. We'd like to thank you for flying Southwest Airlines, and on behalf of the flight deck we'd also like to extend a very special and very happy 101st Birthday to a gentleman seated near the front of the aircraft." *scattered applause* "So, if you happen to see the Captain on the way out, mind his walker, shake his hand, and wish him well with another 100 years working here at Southwest Airlines." "If you smoke, please wait until you arrive at a designated smoking area to light up, which (in California) would be outside." "Please use caution when opening the overhead compartments as shift happens!" After taking off, the pilot got on the speaker and said, "Bear with me folks, this is my first time." From a Southwest Airlines employee: "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane." Pilot: "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land. It's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern." After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride." As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. Whoa!" After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted." From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more." "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you or your money more than Southwest Airlines." "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation. In the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments." "As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses." "Last one off the plane must clean it." From the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately none of them are on this flight." This was overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach, the captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the flight attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!" Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal." An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a, "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, did we land or were we shot down?" After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the flight attendant got on the PA and said, "Ladies and gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal." Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."

An Antartian is terribly overweight, so his doctor puts him on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks," the doctor ordered. "The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds." When the Antartian returns, he's lost nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said. "Did you follow my instructions?" The Antartian nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day." "From hunger, you mean?" the doc questioned. "No, from skipping."

In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the fortune teller delivered grave news: "There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year." Visibly shaken, the young woman stared back at the old woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her shaking hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. Her mind raced. A question forced it's way out... she simply had to know.. She met the Fortune Teller's gaze, tried to steady her voice and asked, "Will I be acquitted?"

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 2 Africans, walk into a bar. After scrutinizing the group, the bartender says "I'm sorry, but I can't let you come in here without a Thai."

Heavy drinker alert! He's got a lot of willpower. He's finally given up trying to stop drinking. (thanks to Shane) She hates the sight of liquor. That's why she drinks it so fast. He's on the drinking man's diet. Now he's a skinny drunk. She's getting so high she's soon going to need a net under her. He deducts his booze costs because he drinks to others' health so often. Occasionally, she is held up going home. That's the only way she gets there. He believes in a balanced diet; a drink in each hand. She never plays "Spin the Bottle". She won't let go of it! His nickname is "Truck" because he always has a load on. It only takes one drink to make her drunk. She's not sure if it's the eighth or ninth drink, however. He only drinks on days ending in "Y". She only drinks when she has company or is alone. He is a public spirited person. He drinks spirits in public. She knows that alcohol is a slow poison. She doesn't mind, she's not in a hurry. When he's working overtime, he gets time and a fifth. When there is a nip in the air, she tries to drink it. If it wasn't for pretzels, he'd be on a liquid diet. In bars across the nation, she's one of the unsteadiest customers. He's the nicest guy on two feet. If he could stay there. When she catches a cold, she buys a bottle of whisky. In no time, it's gone. The whisky, not the cold. He's not one to do things halfway. He does them in fifths. When she comes back from lunch, she's so loaded she has to take the freight elevator.

An Antartian named Babbette finds herself in dire trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in serious financial trouble. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto." Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it. Babbette again prays... "God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well." Lotto night comes and Babbette still has no luck. Once again, she prays... "My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order." Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Babbette is confronted by the voice of God Himself. "Babbette, meet Me halfway on this. Go buy a ticket."

Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning: "Windows frozen, won't open." Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it." Wife texts back 5 minutes later: "Computer really screwed up now."

Golfer & Caddy Golfer: "Well Caddy, How do you like my game?" Caddy: "Very good, Sir! But personally I prefer Golf." Golfer: "Well, I have never played this badly before! Caddy: "I didn't realize you had played before, Sir." Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to be able to break 100 on this course," Caddy: "Try heaven," advised the caddy. "You've already moved most of the earth." Golfer: "This is the worst golf course I've ever played on!" Caddy: "This isn't the golf course, sir! We left that an hour ago!" Golfer: "Caddy, Do you think my game is improving? Caddy: "Oh yes, Sir! You miss the ball much closer than you used to." Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time, caddy. It's distracting!" Caddy: "This isn't a watch, Sir, it's a compass!" Golfer: "Caddy, do you think it is a sin to play golf on Sunday? Caddy: "The way you play, Sir, its a crime any day of the week!" Golfer: "This golf is a funny game." Caddy: "It's not supposed to be." Judge: "Do you understand the nature of an oath? Caddy: "Boy: Do I? I'm your caddy, remember!" Golfer: "That can't be my ball, caddy. It looks far too old." Caddy: "It's a long time since we started, sir." Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5-iron?" Caddy: "Eventually." Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world!" he screamed." Caddy: "I doubt it," replied the caddy. "That would-be too much of a coincidence" Golfer: "I've played so poorly all day; I think I'm going to go drown myself in that lake." Caddy: "I don't think you could keep your head down that long."

The following are actual statements found on insurance forms where car drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident in the fewest words as possible: The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him. I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way. I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident. The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions. I thought the window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it. The indirect cause of the crash was the little guy in a small car with a big mouth. An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car, and vanished. A truck backed through my windshield and into my wife's face. A pedestrian hit me and went under my car. Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have. I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment. In and attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole. I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached the intersection, a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car. As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident. I was on my way to the doctor with rear-end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to crash. I told the police I was not injured, but on removing my hat, found that I had a fractured skull. To avoid hitting the bumper in front of me, I struck the pedestrian. My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle. The pedestrian had no idea which way to run, so I ran over him. I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows. I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him. The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck the front end.. I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentlemen as he bounced off the hood of my car.

Is this what you are looking for?

In a Japanese hotel room: "Please to bathe inside the tub." In a Tokyo Hotel: "Is forbitten to steal hotel towels please. If you are not person to do such thing is please not to read notis." Outside a country shop: "We buy junk and sell antiques." In a loan company window: "Now you can borrow enough money to get completely out of debt." In the window of a Travel Agency: "Please Go Away!" In a funeral parlor: "Ask about our layaway plan." In an ad for a swimwear store: "Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops!" Advertisement at a gas station, between San Francisco and Los Angeles on Interstate 5: "Kids with gas eat free!" In a clothing store: "Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks." In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store: "15 men's wool suits, $10. They won't last an hour!" In a Pennsylvania cemetery: "Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves." At the dry cleaners: "We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand." On a shopping mall marquee: "Archery Tournament -- Ears pierced" In a repair shop: "We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1." In a department store: "Stock up and save! Limit one per customer." In the window of an Oregon store: "Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here?" On a Tennessee highway: "When this sign is under water, this road is impassable." On an Atlantic City hotel restaurant: "Have your next affair here." In a Maine restaurant: "Open 7 days a week and weekends." On the grounds of a public school: "No trespassing without permission." On a radiator repair garage: "Best place to take a leak." In the vestry of a New England church: "Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished." On a roller coaster: "Watch your head." Advertisement for lawn sprinkler system: "Dew it yourself." In a Laundromat:: "Automatic Washing Machines: Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out." In front of a New Hampshire car wash: "If you can't read this, it's time to wash your car."

A funny sign in a Norwegian cocktail lounge: "Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar." In a Zurich hotel: "Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose." In a Bangkok dry cleaner's: "Drop your trousers here for best results." In an Acapulco hotel: "The manager has personally passed all the water served here." Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: "Ladies may have a fit upstairs." In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency: "Take one of our horse-driven city tours - we guarantee no miscarriages." In a Rome laundry: "Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time." In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: "We take your bags and send them in all directions." A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest: "It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose." Note at the bottom of the menu of a German restaurant: "After the main course we suggest that you sample the tart of the house" In a Paris hotel elevator: "Please leave your values at the front desk." In a Japanese hotel: "You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid." In a Leipzig elevator: "Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up." In the office of a Roman doctor: "Specialist in women and other diseases." In a Bucharest hotel lobby: "The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable." In a Tokyo shop: "Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run." On the door of a Moscow hotel room: "If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it." In an East African newspaper: "A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers." In a Tokyo bar: "Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts." In a London department store: "Bargain Basement Upstairs" In a Yugoslavian hotel: "The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid." In a hotel in Athens: "Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily." In a Hong Kong supermarket: "For your convenience, we recommend courageous, efficient self-service." In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: "You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday. At a Budapest zoo: "Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty. Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: "Would you like to ride on your own ass?"

A flying saucer landed at a gas station on a lonely country road. The two space aliens inside seemed completely unconcerned about detection; in fact, the letters "UFO" were emblazoned in big, bold letters on one side of their shiny craft. As the station owner stood and gawked in silence, paralyzed with shock, his young blond attendant nonchalantly filled up the tank and waved to the two aliens as they took off. "Do you realize what just happened?" the station owner finally uttered. "Yeah," said the blond attendant. "So?" "Didn't you see the space aliens in that vehicle?!" "Yeah," repeated the blonde attendant. "So?" "Didn't you see the letters 'UFO' on the side of that vehicle?!" "Yeah," repeated the blonde attendant. "So?" "Don't you know what 'UFO' means?!" The blonde attendant rolled his eyes. "Good grief, boss! I've been working here for six years. Of course I know what 'UFO' means 'Unleaded Fuel Only.'"

More Bumper Stickers Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't. Fight crime - Shoot back Ever seen an UZI fired from a car window? Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35mph Are Also Timed For 70mph. Clear the Road I AM SIXTEEN He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit I got this motor home for my wife. Best deal I ever made Hang up and drive. I'm just driving this way to piss you off. If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over..[seen Upside Down, On A Jeep] If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer. If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you My other car is a broom. (Found at a witches shop in NYC) My Wife's other car is a broom! I SWERVE to HIT People at Random! I brake for no apparent reason I don't brake. Warning! I brake for hallucinations Don't laugh, your daughter may be inside - (on a custom van) Honk If You Want To See My Finger Honk if you love me Honk if you're horny Honk if you are just a honker Honk all you want, I'm deaf Honk if you love peace and quiet. Honk If Anything Falls Off Horn broken - watch for finger Nothing to lose (on an old rusted out Pontiac) Don't follow me, I'm lost If you can read this sticker, I can slam on my brakes and claim damages from you If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away? Talk is Cheap - until you hire a lawyer. Forget the Flag. Burn a Politician. I love my country. It's the government that pisses me off. Don't be stupid. We have politicians for that. Nothing political is correct. Do you trust a government that doesn't trust you with guns? Dole for Pineapple. Your College Sucks Buy American while there is still time The road to hell is paved with republicans The road to hell is paved with democrats Empty the prisons - Make room for congress I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got. Save Your Breath ... You'll need it to blow up your date! So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute. I need someone really bad...Are you really bad

Murphy, a furniture dealer from Dublin, decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find. After arriving in Paris, he visited with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home. To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine. As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house. Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, asked him something in French (which Murphy could not understand), so he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down. He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language. After a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her. After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music. They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up. Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed. To this day, Murphy has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business

Amazing Golf Ball These two guys were approaching the first tee. The first guy goes into his golf bag to get a ball and says to his friend, "Hey, why don't you try this ball." He draws a green golf ball out of his bag. "You can't lose it." His friend replies, "What do you mean you can't lose it?!!" The first man replies, "I'm serious, you can't lose it. If you hit it into the woods, it makes a beeping sound, if you hit it into the water it produces bubbles, and if you hit it on the fairway, smoke comes up in order for you to find it." Obviously, his friend doesn't believe him, but he shows him all the possibilities until he is convinced. The friend says, "Wow! That's incredible! Where did you get that ball?" The man replies, "I found it."

BUMPER STICKERS Give me coffee and no one gets hurt. Don't wash this vehicle - Undergoing scientific dirt test Cover me. I'm changing lanes. Keep honking, I'm reloading He who laughs last thinks slowest Is reading in the bathroom considered Multi-Tasking? You must be from the shallow end of the gene pool. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me Jesus is coming, everyone look busy I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person The Earth Is Full - Go Home As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools My kid had sex with your honor student. Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT! I is a college student I souport publik edekasion If you think education is expensive, Try ignorance Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot. You! Out Of The Gene Pool! The gene pool could use a little chlorine. I took an IQ test and the results were negative. Beer - Helping ugly people have sex since 1765 BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore. Why drink and drive, when you can smoke and fly. Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool. If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups. Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. Never get into an argument with the schizophrenic person and say, "Just who do you think you are?" When she told me I was average, I figured she was just being mean. Hire the Handicapped...Were fun to watch!! STUPIDITY should be Painful This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult Lord save me from your followers. Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks you're an asshole. Atheism is a non-profit organization. And on the 8th day, God sobered up. The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My Name I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To It's Been Lovely But I Have To Scream Now I Haven't Lost My Mind, It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory. Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs. I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die. I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen. Kill 'em all. Let God sort it out Protected by .357 Magnum 3 days a week. You guess which 3

Milk Bath A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. So she left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons so he knocked on her door to clarify the point. The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 1.5 gallons?" The blonde said, "I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath." The milkman asked, "Do you want it Pasteurized?" The blonde said, "No, just up to my boobs, I can splash it in my eyes."

The Plan In the beginning was the Plan. And then came the Assumptions. And the Assumptions were without form. And the Plan was without substance. And darkness was upon the face of the Workers. And they spoke among themselves, saying, "It is a crock of shit, and it stinks." And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and said, "It is a pail of dung, and we can't live with the smell. And the Supervisors went unto their Managers, saying, "It is the container of the excrements, and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it." And the Mangers went unto their Directors, saying, "It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength." And the Directors spoke among themselves, saying to one another, "It promotes growth, and it is very powerful." And the Vice Presidents went to the President, saying unto him, "This new plan will actively promote the growth and vigor of the company with very powerful effects." And the President looked upon the Plan and saw that it was good. And the Plan became Policy. And that is how shit happens.