Sonny

The British Army found they had too many officers and decided to offer an Early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of £1,000 For every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his Body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be. The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of £72,000. The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be Measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with £96,000.. The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old sergeant-major who, when asked where he would like to be measured, replied, 'From the tip of my willy to my testicles.' It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big cheques the previous two officers had received. But the old sergeant-major insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer. The medical officer arrived and instructed the sergeant-major to 'drop 'em', Which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the sergeant's willy and began to work back. 'Dear Lord!' he suddenly exclaimed, 'Where are your testicles?' The old sergeant-major calmly replied, " Afghanistan".

Ken, Happy Birthday. Hope it is the best ever and you have many, many more. Have enjoyed exchanging posts with you and reading about your experiences and I want to thank you for helping to jog my memory at times. Sonny

Mike and his buddies were hanging out and planning an upcoming fishing trip. Unfortunately, he had to tell them that he couldn't go this time because his wife wouldn't let him. After a lot of teasing and name calling, Mike headed home frustrated. The following week when Mike's buddies arrived at the lake to set up camp,they were shocked to see Mike. He was already sitting at the campground with a cold beer, fishing rod in hand, and a camp fire glowing. "How did you talk your missus into letting you go, Mike?" "I didn't have to," Mike replied. Yesterday, when I left work, I went home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows because I couldn't go fishing. Then the ol' lady snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said, 'Surprise'." "When I peeled her hands back, she was standing there in a beautiful see-through negligee and she said, ' Carry me into the bedroom, tie me to the bed and you can do whatever you want'.... So ......,well... Here I am!".

Happy Birthday tinwhistle.

A young guy walks into a post office and sees a middle–aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing “Love†stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and sprays scent all over them. His curiosity getting the best of him, the guy goes up to the man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, “I’m sending out a thousand Valentine cards signed, “Guess who?†“But why?†Asked the young guy. “I’m a divorce lawyer,†the bald man replied

A blonde called the airport for flight information. "How long is your flight from Los Angeles to Denver?†she asked. "Just a minute," the pleasant agent replied. "Thank You" she said and hung up.

Then there was the farmer who had been involved in a terrible road accident with a large truck. He ended up in court fighting for a big compensation claim. "I understand you're claiming damages for the injuries you're supposed to have suffered?" said the counsel for the insurance company. "Yes, that's right," replied the armer, nodding his head. "You claim you were injured in the accident, yet I have a signed police statement that says when the attending police officer asked you how you were feeling, you replied, 'I've never felt better in my life.' Is that the case?" "Yeah, but..." the farmer stammered. "A simple yes or no will suffice," counsel interrupted quickly. "Yes," replied the farmer quietly. Then it was the turn of the farmer's counsel to ask him questions. "Please tell the court the exact circumstance of events following the accident when you made your statement of health," his lawyer said. "Certainly," replied the farmer. "After the accident, my horse was thrashing around with a broken leg and my poor old dog was howling in pain. This cop comes along, takes one look at my horse, and shoots him dead. Then he goes over to my dog, looks at him, and shoots him dead too. Then he comes straight over to me, with his gun still smoking, and asks me how I was feeling. Now what the hell would you have said to him?"

During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password: "MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento" When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.

A tightwad was convinced by a friend to buy a couple of lottery tickets. But after he won the big prize he didn’t seem happy. “What’s wrong?†the friend asked. “You just became a millionaire!†“I know,†he groaned, “But I can’t imagine why I bought that second ticket!â€

Looks like a good list. Strange that there were no AC-130B's.

Teacher: What does your father do for a living? Student: He is a magician. Teacher: what is his favorite event. Student: He cuts people in two. Teacher: How many brothers and sisters do you have? Student: One half-brother and one half-sister....

A young man was trying to park his car between two others. He put it in reverse, and bang- right into the car behind him. He then went forward and bang- right into the car in front. A young woman watching the maneuver couldn’t contain herself. “Do you always park by ear?†she asked.

Paraprosdokian Sentences A Paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to refrain or reinterpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect, sometimes producing an anticlimax. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public. War does not determine who is right - only who is left. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad. The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.* How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire? Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.. Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks. A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?" Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet? Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy. Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America ? Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice. The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas! Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back. Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were. Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water. You're never too old to learn something stupid. Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever. If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?

Two brothers were always getting into trouble in their neighborhood. The people in the neighborhood started complaining to the parents about the boys. So the boys parents decided to have their priest talk to the boys. The priest asks to speak to the boys alone, requesting to see the youngest first. The young boy comes in and sits at a large table across the room from the priest. The priest looks at the boy, points at him and, trying to emphasize that God is in everyone, asks, "Where is God?" The boy looks around the room and back at the priest and says nothing. Again, the priest points at the boy and in a louder voice asks, "Where is God?" The boy says nothing. The priest walks around the table, pointing inches from the boy’s face and asks again, "Where is God?" The boy jumps out of his chair and runs out the door. The boy runs right home, grabs his older brother and says to him, "We are in BIG trouble!" His brother replies, "We haven't done anything!" The younger brother replies, "God's missing, and they think we did it!"

Some boy scouts from the city were on a camping trip. The mosquitoes were so fierce, the boys had to hide under their blankets to avoid being bitten. Then one of them saw some lightning bugs and said to his friend, "We might as well give up. They're coming after us with flashlights".

Bob, Back before computers it was an ad to sell a set of encyclopedias!!

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop. The surgeon was there, waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike. The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc, can I ask you a question?" The surgeon a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?" The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic... "Try doing it with the engine running."

Ronc, Found this joke on a site I go to for computer help. They have a joke section. Use it a lot here. How are things in Ft. Waldon Beach? Cold up here in Maryland. Sonny

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a man below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am." The man below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 42 degrees north latitude and between 58 and 60 degrees west longitude." "You must be an engineer," said the balloonist. "I am," replied the man, "but how did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost." The man below responded, "You must be a manager." "I am," replied the balloonist, "how did you know?" "Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are exactly in the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

An old man approached a young stranger in the post office and asked, "Sir, would you address this postcard for me?" The man gladly did so, and then offered to write a short note for the old fellow. Finally the stranger asked, "Now, is there anything else I can do for you?" The old man thought a moment and said, "Yes, at the end could you add, Please excuse the sloppy handwriting."

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." And the husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it."

A brilliant young boy was applying for a job with the railways. The interviewer asked him: "Do you know how to use the equipment?" " Yes", the boy replied. "Then what would you do if you realized that 2 trains, one from this station and one from the next were going to crash because they were on the same track?" The young applicant thought and replied "I'd press the button to change the points without hesitation." "What if the button was frozen and wouldn't work?" "I'd run outside and pull the lever to change the points manually" "And if the lever was broken?" "I'd get on the phone to the next station and tell them to change the points," he replied. "And if the phone was broken and needed an electrician to fix it?" The boy thought about that one. "I'd run into town and get my uncle" "Is your uncle an electrician?" "No, but he's never seen a train crash before!

A few years ago I came home from a night of drinking with the boys. As I usually do, I fell through the doorway of our house. My wife snapped at me, “What’s the big idea coming home half drunk?†My reply was simple, I just said “I’m sorry, honey. I ran out of money.â€

An elderly man, 82, just returned from the doctors only to find he didn't have long to live. So he summoned the three most important people in his life to tell them of his fate: 1. His Doctor 2. His Priest 3. His Lawyer. He said, "Well, today I found out I don't have long to live. So, I have summoned you three here, because you are the most important people in my life, and I need to ask a favor. Today, I am going to give each of you an envelope with $50,000 dollars inside. When I die, I would ask that all three of you throw the money into my grave." After the man passed on, the three people happened to run into each other. The doctor said, "I have to admit I kept $10,000 dollars of his money. He owed me from lots of medical bills. But, I threw the other $40,000 in like he requested. " The Priest said, "I have to admit also, I kept $25,000 dollars for the church. It’s all going to a good cause. I did, however, throw the other $25,000 in the grave." Well the Lawyer just couldn't believe what he was hearing! "I am surprised at you two for taking advantage of him like that. I wrote a check for the full amount and threw it all in!!!"

A Sunday school teacher asked the children in her class, " If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would I get into Heaven?" the children all answered "No!" "If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would I get into Heaven?" Again the answer was "No!" "Well", she continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?" A five-year-old boy shouted out, "You gotta be dead!"