Sonny

A neurotic is the person who builds a castle in the air.

A psychotic is the person who lives in it.

And a psychiatrist is the person who collects the rent.

Agreed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is what marriage is really all about:

He ordered one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. The old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them kept looking over and whispering. You could tell they were thinking, 'That poor old couple, all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said they were just fine, they were used to sharing everything.

The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'

As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you're waiting for?'

She answered "The teeth"

The judge frowned at the tired robber and said,

“then you admit breaking into the same store on three successive nights?â€

â€Yes, your honor.â€

“And why was that?†said the judge

“Because my wife wanted a dress.â€

The judge check with his records,

“But it says here you broke in three nights in a row!â€

“Yes sir. She made me exchange it two times.â€

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday.

"I'd love to be eight again." she replied.

On the morning of her birthday,

he arose early,

made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops,

and then took her off to the local theme park.

What a day!

He put her on every ride in the park:

the Death Slide,

the Wall of Fear,

the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster,

every thing there was.

Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park.

Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

On there way they journeyed to a McDonald's,

where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake.

Then it was off to the movies:

the latest Star Wars epic,

an hot dog,

popcorn,

all the Coke she could drink,

and her favorite lolly and M&M's.

What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked,

Well, Dear, what was it like being eight again?"

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

"I meant my dress size!!!!!!!

Two drunks are walking along.

One drunk says to the other,

"What a beautiful night, look at the moon."

The other drunk stops and looks at his drunken friend,

"You are wrong. That's not the moon, that's the sun."

Both started arguing for a while when they came upon another drunk walking, so they stopped him. "Sir, could you please help settle our argument? Tell us what that thing is up in the sky that's shining. Is it the moon or the sun?"

The third drunk looked at the sky and then looked at them and said,

"Sorry, I don't live around here."

One day, an employee received an unusually large check.

She decided not to say anything about it.

The following week, her check was for less that the normal amount, and she confronted her boss.

“How come,†the supervisor inquired, “you didn’t say anything when you were overpaid?â€

Unperturbed, the employee replied, “Well, I can overlook one mistake – but not two in a row!â€

Thanks guys. Look forward to browsing around both of these sites.

A man with a wooden eye was very sensitive about his eye for fear of people making fun of him.

One day this man decides to go out and have some fun.

So, he goes to a bar and orders a beer.

Then, out of the corner of his eye he sees a woman with a flat face.

He thinks,†Well, she wouldn't make fun of me because she would understand how I feel."

So, he finally gathers up the courage to talk to her, he goes over and asks her,

“Would you like to have dinner with me sometime?" And the woman answers,

“Would I!!!?

The man, obviously offended, screams, "flat face!!!" and storms out of the bar.

This young man was elated when he turned eighteen in a state where curfew is 11:00 p.m.

for any one under eighteen years of age.

He told his Dad how happy he was that now he could stay out until 3:00 a.m. if he wanted.

“Yes you can stay out as late as you want,

but the car is under eighteen and it has to be in the garage by eleven.†His father said.

Love it.

A musical director was having a lot of trouble with one drummer.

He talked and talked and talked with the drummer,

but his performance simply didn't improve.

Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said,

"When a musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't improve when given help,

they take away the instrument, and give him two sticks,

and make him a drummer."

A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section:

"And if he can't handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor."

Not at all.

After getting all of the Pope's luggage loaded into the limo, the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb.

'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver, 'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'

'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today.'

'I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job!

What if something should happen?' protests the driver, wishing he'd

never gone to work that morning..

'Who's going to tell?' says the Pope with a smile.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 205 kms.

'Please slow down, Your Holiness!' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

'Oh, dear God, I'm going to lose my license -- and my job!' moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches,

But the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going 205 kph.

'So bust him,' says the Chief.

'I don't think we want to do that, he's really important,' said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed,' All the more reason!'

'No, I mean really important,' said the cop with a bit of persistence.

The Chief then asked, 'Who do you have there, the mayor?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief: ' A senator?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief: 'The Prime Minister?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

'Well,' said the Chief, 'who is it?'

Cop: 'I think it's God!'

The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, 'What makes you think it's God?'

Cop: 'His chauffeur is the Pope!'

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a

particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a

couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked,

"If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to

spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?"

the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?"

the man asked.

"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead,

I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded.. "Won't your wife be furious with you

for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man

looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and sex."....

Hey Bob,

Happy Birthday. Hope it is all you want it to be. Thanks for all you do to help Casey make this the best C-130 site on the web.

Sonny

A rich millionaire throws a massive party for his 50th birthday.

During this party, he grabs the microphone and announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two great white sharks in it.

"I will give anything of mine to the man who swims across that pool."

So the party continues with no events in the pool until SUDDENLY, there is a great splash and all the guests of the party run to the pool to see what has happened.

In the pool a man is swimming as hard as he can and fins come out of the water and jaws are snapping and this guy just keeps on going.

The sharks are gaining on him and this guy reaches the end and gets out of the pool, tired and soaked.

The millionaire grabs the microphone and says,

"I am a man of my word. Anything of mine I will give: my Ferraris, my house, absolutely anything, for you are the bravest man I have ever seen.

So sir what will it be?"

The guy grabs the microphone and says,

"Why don't we start with the name of the jerk who pushed me in!"

The Psychiatrist and the Proctologist

Best friends graduating from medical school at the same time decided that in

spite of two different specialties, they would open a practice together to share office space and personnel.

Dr. Smith was the psychiatrist and Dr. Jones was the proctologist; they put

up a sign reading: Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors. The

town council was livid and insisted they change it.

The docs changed it to read: Schizoids and Hemorrhoids. This was also not

acceptable so they again changed the sign to read Catatonics and High

Colonics - no go. Next they tried Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives -

thumbs down again.

Then came Minds and Behinds - still no good. Another attempt resulted in

Lost Souls and Butt Holes - unacceptable again! So they tried Nuts

and Butts - no way. Freaks and Cheeks - still no good. Loons and Moons -

forget it. Almost at their wit's end, the docs finally came up with:

Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones - Specializing in Odds and Ends.

Where do I send the money?

[email protected]

A while back there was an opening in the CIA for an assassin.

These highly classified positions are extremely difficult to fill,

requiring an extensive background check, training, and testing before candidates are even considered for the position.

After reviewing several applicants and completing all the checks and training,

the field was narrowed to the three most promising candidates.

The day came for the final test, which would determine which of equally qualified candidates, would get the job.

The final candidates consisted of two men and one woman.

The men administering the test took the first candidate,

a man, down a corridor to a closed door and handed him a gun saying,

"We must be completely assured that you will complete your assignments and follow instructions regardless of the circumstances.

Inside this room you will find your wife, seated in a chair.

Take this gun and kill her."

The man, looking completely shocked said, "You can't be serious! I could never kill my wife."

The CIA man said, "Well, then, you're obviously not the man for the job.

Take your wife and go home."

They brought the next candidate in, the other man, and repeated the instructions.

This man took the gun, walked into the room and closed the door.

However, after five minutes of silence, the door opened and the man handed the CIA tester the gun, saying,

"I just couldn't do it. I couldn't kill my wife. I tried to pull the trigger but I just couldn't do it."

The CIA man said,

"Well, then, you're obviously not the man for the job.

Take your wife and go home."

Then they brought the woman down the corridor to the closed door, handed her a gun, and said,

"We must be completely assured that you will complete your assignments and follow instructions regardless of the circumstances.

Inside this room you will find your husband, seated in a chair. Take this gun and kill him."

The woman took the gun, walked into the room, and before the door closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing.

One shot after another, for thirteen shots, the noise continued.

Then all hell broke loose. For the next several minutes, the men heard screaming, cursing, furniture crashing and banging on the walls; then suddenly, silence.

The door opened slowly and there stood the woman.

She wiped the sweat from her brow and said,

"You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat him to death with the chair!"

When I came home from golfing today, the wife left a note on the fridge:

It's not working, gone to stay with my Mother. I can't take it anymore.

I opened the fridge, the light came on, and the beer was cold.

What the heck is she talking about?

The Chemistry teacher asked "What is the chemical formula for water?

The student answered "HIJKLMNO"!

The Teacher asked What are you talking about?

The student simply replied:"Yesterday you said the formula for water was H to O!"

A history professor and a psychology professor were sitting outside at a nudist colony.

The history professor asked: “Have you read Marx?

The psychology professor replied: “Yes. I think it’s from the wicker chairs.â€

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty.. You're crazy to go to Rome .. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking BA," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"BA?" exclaimed the hairdresser.. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome 's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy! Good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it..."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome:

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of BA's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a £5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I bet you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me"

"Oh, really! What'd he say ?"

He said: "Who the #@&% did your hair?"

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.

"But officer." the man began, "I can explain,".

"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back..."

"But officer, I just wanted to say...."

"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said,

"Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."

"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."