Sonny

Two priests were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sun glasses, etc. The next morning, they went to the beach, dressed in their "tourist" garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a "drop dead gorgeous" topless blonde in a thong bikini came walking straight towards them.

They couldn't help but stare. As the blonde passed them, she smiled and said "Good morning, Father, Good morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of them. They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests?

So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits. These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them.

Once again the two priests (incognito) settled on the beach, in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a while, the same gorgeous topless blonde, wearing a string, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them, said "Good morning, Father," and started to walk away.

One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said. "Just a minute young lady."

Yes?" she replied.

"We are priests, and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did you know we are priests dressed as we are?"

She replied, "Father, it's me......Sister Mary Francis

Tinwhistle, Right back at you and the rest of the Herkybirds.

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked,

"Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy answered:

"Thou shall not kill."

Selling at an auction was halted when the auctioneer announced,

“Someone in the room has lost his wallet containing $2,000.

He is offering a reward of $500.00 for its immediate return.â€

After a moment of silence,

there was a call from the back of the room, " $550.00"

A woman burst out of the examining room screaming after her young physician tells her she is pregnant.

The director of the clinic stopped her and asked what the problem was. After she tells him what happened,

the doctors had her sit down and relax in another room and he marched down the hallway where the woman’s physician was and demanded,

“What is wrong with you?

Mrs Miller is 60 years old, has six grown children and nine grandchildren,

and you told her she was pregnant?â€

The young physician continued to write his notes and without looking up at his superior,

asked,

“Does she still have the hiccups?â€

Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'.

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?'

'Yes, Father, it is.'

'And who was the girl you were with?'

'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation'

Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now.

Was it Tina Minetti?'

'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'

'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Nina Capelli?'

'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Cathy Piriano?'

'My lips are sealed.'

'Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?'

'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, Joey Pagano, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What did you get?'

4 months vacation and five good leads.

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed that little Alex was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The plaque was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it.

The little seven-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning Alex."

"Good morning pastor," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque. "Pastor Jamison, what is this?" Alex asked.

"Well, son," the pastor replied, "Its a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."

Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque.

Little Alex's voice was barely audible when he asked, "Which service, the 9:00am or the 11:00am?"

A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.

"You'll get your chance in court," said the Desk Sergeant.

"No, no, no!" said the man.

"I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of

his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he'd make a deal with his son, "You bring your

grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little,

and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car."

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for

the offer, and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, "Son, you've brought your

grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your

Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut."

The boy said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and

I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long

hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and

there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair."

Fathers reply:

Did you also noticed they walked everywhere they went?

A three-year-old had been told several times to get ready for bed.

The last time his mom told him, she was every insistent.

His response was, "Yes, Sir!"

Since he was talking to his mother (and she is a woman), it was not expected of him to call her "Sir".

"You would say, 'yes sir,' to a man, I am a lady, and you would say 'Yes Ma'am,' to a lady," Mom said.

To quiz him on is lesson; she then asked him, "What would you say to Daddy?"

"Yes Sir!" was the reply

"Then what would you say to Mama?"

"Yes, Ma'am!" he proudly answered.

"Good boy! Now what would you say to Grandma?"

He lit up and said, "Can I have a cookie?"

One day my mother was out, and my dad was in charge of me.

I was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys.

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my mom came home.

My dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' Mom waited, and sure enough, here I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy; and she watched him drink it up.

Then she said, (as only a mother would know), "'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water, is the toilet?"

Giz, too funny!!

A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had a few too many beers and then topped it off with a couple of margaritas, with some gin for a chaser. Not a good idea. Well over the limit, I did something I've never done before: I left the car there and took a bus home! Sure enough, just down from the pub, I passed a Random Breath Test police ambush, but because I was in a bus, it was waved past. I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise.

Because I have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got it.

As far as my experiences go, we flew straight from Naha to Ubon and back the same way! What I remember is that a crew that was on their R&R during their 90 day TDY, hopped on a bird with a returning crew and went back to Ubon on another input seven days later! I did that once! That is not saying for sure that some planes didn't stop elsewhere going to and from Ubon! After all,how many times during your tour(s) there did you find yourself landing somewhere you had no idea you were going to?

Does any of what I just said make any sense? :confused:

Ken

I'm with you Ken. I don't recall stopping anywhere on the way to Ubon from Naha. Now going to CRB or other places it was common to divert to another destination.

Thanks. So sad to see one of the most well known 130's treated like this.

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,

'How old was your husband?' '98,' she replied.

'Two years older than me.'

'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented. !

She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?'

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:

'And what do you think is the best thing

about being 104?' the reporter asked.

She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'

Three old guys are out walking. First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?' Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'

Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer

I've sure gotten old!

I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,

new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes.

I'm half blind,

can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,

take 40 different medications that

make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.

Have bouts with dementia.

Have poor circulation;

hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.

Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.

Have lost all my friends.

But, thank God,

I still have my driver's license.

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,

so I got my doctor's permission to

join a fitness club and start exercising.

I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.

I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour.

But, by the time I got my leotards on,

the class was over

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and

told her preacher she had two final requests.

First, she wanted to be cremated, and second,

she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.

'Wal-Mart?' the preacher exclaimed.

'Why Wal-Mart?'

'Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week.'

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turned to the other and said: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'

Slim said, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'

'Really!? Like a newborn baby?'

'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

Know how to prevent sagging?

Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but its state of the art. It's perfect.'

'Really,' answered the neighbor. 'What kind is it?'

'Twelve thirty', he replied.

It's scary when you start making the same noises

as your coffee maker.

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed him to hear 100%. He went back in a month and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again..'

The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'

These days about half the stuff

in my shopping cart says,

'For fast relief.'

THE SENILITY PRAYER :

Grant me the senility to forget the people

I never liked anyway,

the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and

the eyesight to tell the difference.

Why You Don't Put Lights on A Palm Tree At Christmas

Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

Only in America......do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

Here are some more pictures of C-130E 62-1814 at Cam Ranh Bay on March 3, 1968. She had a fire in the aft cockpit.

Happy birthday to all you guys. You should get together and party. Hope you ALL have a great day.

Not everyone in the armed forces went to SEA/overseas. I now some who never left the states but they are are still veterans and should be treated as such. Also know some whose number never came up in the draft and never served at all.

A man came into a lawn ornament shop to get holiday decorations for his yard. He went up to the counter and said to the owner, "Give me four of those elves, two of the big reindeer, two of the small reindeer, and one of those bent-over, fat Mrs. Santas with the ridiculous bloomers."

The shop owner said, "That'll be eighty dollars for the elves, fifty dollars for the big reindeer, twenty dollars for the small reindeer, and..."

"a big apology for my wife!"

A young woman visits her parents and brings her fiancé to meet them.

After an elaborate dinner, the mother tells her husband to find out about the young man.

The father invites the fiancée to his library for a drink.

“So what are your plans?†The father asks the young man.

“I am a Torah scholar.†He says.

“A Torah scholar, Hmmm,†the father says.

“Admirable,

but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in,

as she is accustomed to?â€

“I will study,†the young man said, and God will provide for us.â€

“And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?†asks the father.

“I will concentrate on my studies,†the young man replies, “God will provide for us.â€

“And children?†asks the father.

“How will you support children?†“Don’t worry, sir,

God will provide,†replies the fiancé.

The conversation continues like this, and each time the father questions,

the young idealist insist that God will provide. Later, the mother asks,

“How did it go, Honey?†The father answers,

“He has no job and no plans,

but the good news is he thinks I’m God.â€

A mugging took place last night down the local park

A snail was mugged by a tortoise.

The police said

"Can you give us a description of your attacker?

The snail said,

"no, it all happened so fast!

Two boy scouts went on a nature hike in the hills picking hickory nuts.

Along the way, they filled their small pails and then started to fill their pockets and shirts.

When they could hold no more nuts, they started down the country road until they came across a cemetery. The boys decided that would be a good place to stop and rest and divide out the nuts.

The two boys sat in the shade of a large oak tree and unloaded their pockets and buckets by dumping all of the nuts in a large pile.

In the process, two of them rolled away and rested near the road. The boys then proceeded to divide out the nuts. "One for you. One for me. One for you. One for me."

As they were doing this, another boy was passing by and happened to hear them. He looked into the cemetery, but could not see the boys, because they were obscured by the tree. He hesitated a moment and then ran back to town.

"Father! Father!" he yelled as he entered his house. "The cemetery. Come quick!"

"What's the matter?" his father asked.

"No time to explain," the boy frantically panted. "Follow me!"

The boy and his father ran up the country road and stopped when they reached the cemetery. They stopped at the side of the road and all fell silent for a few moments. Then the father asked his son what was wrong.

"Do you hear that?" he whispered. Both people listened intently and heard the Scouts. "One for me. One for you. One for me. One for you..."

The boy then blurted out, "The devil and the Lord are dividing the souls!"

The father was skeptical but silent -- until a few moments later as the Scouts completed dividing out the nuts and one Scout said to the other, "Now, as soon as we get those two nuts down by the road, we'll have them all."