Sonny's Funnies
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Business one-liners: After all is said and done, usually more is said than done. After any unit has been completely assembled, extra components will be found on the bench. Afternoon: that part of the day we spend worrying about how we wasted the morning. Aiming for the least common denominator sometimes causes division by zero. All American cars are basically Chevrolets. All general statements are false; think about it. All generalizations are false, including this one. All generalizations are useless, including this one. All good things must come to an end, I just want to know when they start! All …
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A Dog's Life: If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise. - Unknown Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant. - Unknown Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about puppies. - Gene Hill In dog years, I'm dead. - Unknown To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs. - Aldous Huxley A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down. - Robert Benchley Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives. - Sue Murphy I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven…
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Business one-liners: A memorandum is written not to inform the reader, but to protect the writer. A pat on the back is only a few inches from a kick in the pants. A pipe gives a wise man time to think and a fool something to put in his mouth. A penny saved has not been spent. A penny saved is an economic breakthrough. A penny saved is ridiculous. A problem cannot be solved using the same level of thinking that created it. (In other words, if you screw it up, you can't fix it.) A real person has two reasons for doing anything...a good reason and the real reason. A short cut is the longest distance between tw…
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Three men die and are waiting at the Pearly Gates when St. Peter tells them that there will be a slight delay but not to worry that he will have Albert Einstein visit with them during their wait. Albert arrives and introduces himself to the first man and asks, "What is your IQ?" to which the first man answers, "241". "That is wonderful!", says Albert. "We will talk about the Grand Unification Theory and the mysteries of the Universe. We will have much to discuss!". Albert introduces himself to the second man and asks, "What is your IQ?" to which the second man answers, "144". "That is great!", responds Albert. "We can discuss politics and current …
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Business one-liners: A day without sunshine is like night. A disagreeable task is its own reward. A donkey is a horse designed by a study team. A fail-safe circuit will destroy others. A flying particle will seek the nearest eye. A fool and his money are soon elected. A fool and his money stabilize the economy. A free agent is anything but. A friend in need is a pest indeed. A geophysicist is not drunk as long as he can hang onto a single blade of grass and not fall off the face of the earth. A good scapegoat is hard to find. A good slogan can stop analysis for fifty years. A…
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Top Ten Caddy Comments 10. Golfer: Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake! Caddy: Think you can keep your head down that long? 9. Golfer: I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course! Caddy: Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth! 8. Golfer: Do you think my game is improving? Caddy: Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now! 7. Golfer: Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron? Caddy: Eventually! 6. Golfer: You've got to be the worst caddy in the world! Caddy: I don't think so. That would be too much of a coincidence! 5. Golfer: Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's toomuch of a distraction. …
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Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!" His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my han…
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Retirement
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Yesterday my daughter again asked why I didn't do something useful with my time in retirement. Talking about my "doing something useful" seemed to be her favorite topic of conversation in many of our conversations. She was "only thinking of me" and suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the guys. I did this and when I got home last night I decided to teach her a lesson about staying out of my business. I told her that I had joined a parachute club. She said, "Are you nuts? You’re 75 years old and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?" I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card. She said to me, "Good grief, where are your…
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Joe, a college student, was taking a course in ornithology, the study of birds. The night before the biggest test of the semester, Joe spent all night studying. He had the textbook nearly memorized. He knew his class notes backward and forward. Joe was ready. The morning of the test, Joe entered the auditorium and took a seat in the front row. On the table in the front was a row of ten stuffed birds. Each bird had a sack covering its body, and only the legs were showing. When class started, the professor announced that the students were to identify each bird by looking at its legs and give its common name, species, habitat, mating habits, etc. Joe looked…
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Parents Dictionary: AMNESIA: Condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to ever have sex again. BOTTLE FEEDING: An opportunity for Dad to get up at 2 AM too. DEFENSE: What you'd better have around de yard if you're going to let the kids play outside. DROOLING: How teething babies wash their chins. DUMB WAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert. FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when a baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots. FULL NAME: What you call your child when you're mad at him. GRANDPARENTS: The people who think your children are absolutely wonderful even though they're convinced you're not raising them right. …
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25 Signs You've Grown Up: Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question. You keep more food than beer in the fridge. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed. You hear your favorite song on an elevator. You watch the Weather Channel. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up." You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door won't turn down the stereo. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around…
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While living in Denver the weatherman said, expect 10 to 12 inches of snow tonight so park on the right side of the road so we can plow the left side. Willie’s wife ran out and parked on the right side. The next week the forecast called for another 10 to 12 inches of snow, but this time he said park on the left side. So Willie’s wife ran out and parked the car on the left side of the road. The following week he said 16 inches of snow expected park, the lights went out and all our power was lost. Willie’s wife said, my goodness, now I don’t know where to park the car. Willie said: “Why don’t you just leave it in t…
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An engineer, a mathematician, and a physicist were standing around the university flagpole, when an English professor wandered by. “What are you doing?” he asked. “We need to know the height of the flagpole,” said one, “and we’re discussing the formulas we might use to calculate it. ” “Watch!” said the English professor. He pulled the pole from its fitting, laid it on the grass, borrowed a tape measure and said, “Exactly 24 feet.” Then he replaced the pole and walked away. “English professor!” sneer the mathematician, “We ask him for the height, and he gives us the length.”
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A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarra…
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My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?' 'No,' she answered. I then said, 'Is that your final answer?' ... She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..' So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." And that's when the fight started... ________________________________ I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the rump steak, rare, please." He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?" "Nah, she can order for herself." And that's when the fight started..... ______…
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Real Ads 1. Illiterate? Write today for free help. 2. Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again. 3. Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals and smacks included. 4. Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children. 5. Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel. 6. Stock up and save. Limit: one. 7. Semi-annual After-Christmas sale. 8. 3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred. 9. Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating. 10. Dinner special - Turkey $2.35; Chicken o…
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Directions
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Last December, Mark's grandmother was giving him directions to her apartment. "You come to the front door of the apartment complex. There is a big panel at the door. With your elbow push button 14T." She continued, "I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow hit 14. I am on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell." "Grandma, that sounds easy," replied the grandson, "but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow"? To which she answered... "You're coming empty handed?"
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New Bridge
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There were some backwoods hillbillies living across the river from each other, who feuded constantly. John hated Clarence with a passion and never passed up a chance to throw rocks across the river at Clarence. This went on for years until one day the Corps of Engineers came to build a bridge across that river. John was elated; he told his wife that finally he was going to get the chance to cross over and whip Clarence. He left the house and returned in a matter of minutes. His wife asked what was wrong, didn't he intend to go over the bridge and whip Clarence? He replied that he never had really seen Clarence up close and didn't realize his size until he starte…
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Here in Kentucky, you don't see too many people hang-gliding. Bubba decided to save up and get a hang-glider. He takes it to the highest mountain, and after struggling to the top, he gets ready to take flight. He takes off running and reaches the edge------- into the wind he goes! Meanwhile, Maw and Paw Hicks were sittin' on the porch swing talkin bout the good ol days when maw spots the biggest bird she ever seen! "Look at the size of that bird, Paw!" she exclaims. Paw raises up," Git my gun, Maw." She runs into the house, brings out his pump shotgun. He takes careful aim. BANG...BANG.....BANG.....BANG! The monster size bird continues to sail silently over…
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Bad Translations From Places Afar Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions Moscow hotel room: If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it. Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar. Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty. Office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases. Acapulco hotel: The manager has personally passed all the water served here. Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find that they are best in the long run. Japanese i…
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Words for the Wise: 1 . Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants. 2. Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative. 3. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?" She hit me. 4. I don't do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast. 5. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..." 6. I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here. 7. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner. 8. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal? 9. I don't approve of political j…
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The following came from an anonymous Mother in Austin, Texas... Things I've learned from my Boys (honest and not kidding): 1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep. 2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite. 3.) A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant. 4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft.…
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A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans. Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?" The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, of Noo Yawk City." Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven." The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last forty…
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Dear Dad, $chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can`t think of anything I need. $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you. Love, Your $on The Reply: Dear Son, I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh. Love, Dad.
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