Sonny's Funnies
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The manager of a store overheard one of his clerks talking with a customer. "No, ma'am, we haven't had any for quite some time now and it doesn't appear like we'll be getting any soon." Infuriated by what his clerk had said, the manager immediately rushed over to the customer as she was leaving and told her, "Ma'am, what you were just told simply isn't true. We'll definitely have some soon. Actually, we placed an order for it a couple of weeks ago." He then went over to the clerk, pulled him aside and growled, "Don't you ever tell a customer we don't have something. If we don't have it, you're to say we've ordered it and it's on its way. Now, what was it the cus…
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Top Sarcastic Police Comments: 'You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through.' 'Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They stretch after awhile.' 'If you take your hands off the car , I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document.' 'If you run, you'll only go to jail tired.' 'Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you.' 'You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?' 'Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I…
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The bigger they are, the harder they hit. The book you spent $20.95 for today will come out in paperback tomorrow. The business plan you prepare must be a lie; but it must be a detailed and precise lie rather than a vague and general lie. The business world worships mediocrity. Officially, we revere free enterprise, initiative, and individuality. Unofficially, we fear it. The careful application of terror is also a form of communication. The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional to...to...uhh... The chance of a piece of bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet. The cha…
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The tourist was admiring the Indian's necklace. "What is it made of?" she asked. "Alligator's teeth," the Indian replied. "I suppose," she said patronizingly, "that they mean as much to you as pearls do to us." "Oh, no," he objected. "Anybody can open an oyster."
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Tips to improve your writing: 1. Avoid alliteration. Always. 2. Never use a long word when a diminutive one will do. 3. Employ the vernacular. 4. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc. 5. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary. 6. Remember to never split an infinitive. 7. Contractions aren't necessary. 8. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos. 9. One should never generalize. 10. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know." 11. Comparisons are as bad as cliches. 12. Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's highly supe…
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The chief of staff of the US Air Force decided that he would personally intervene in the recruiting crisis affecting all of our armed services. So, he directed that a nearby Air Force base be opened and that all eligible young men and women be invited. As he and his staff were standing near a brand new F-15 Fighter, a pair of twin brothers who looked like they had just stepped off a Marine Corps recruiting poster walked up to them. The chief of staff walked up to them, stuck out his hand and introduced himself. He looked at the first young man and asked, "Son, what skills can you bring to the Air Force?" The young man looks at him and says, "I pilot!" The general gets all…
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On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation that was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for. The medicine man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, 'This is powerful medicine. It must be respected. You take only teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.' When you do that, you will become manlier than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you…
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Dalmations
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A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties. "They use him to keep crowds back," said one child. "No," said another. "He's just for good luck.." A third child brought the argument to a close."They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."
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Rookie Police Officer: A rookie police officer was out for his first ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call came in telling them to disperse some people who were loitering. The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner. The rookie rolled down his window and said, "Let's get off the corner people." A few glances, but no one moved, so he barked again, "Let's get off that corner... NOW!" Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled stares in his direction. Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, "Well, how did I do?" Pretty go…
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Business one-liners: Everybody should believe in something, I believe I'll have another beer. Everybody's gotta be someplace. Everyone breaks more than the seven-year-bad-luck allotment to cover rotten luck throughout an entire lifetime. Everyone has a scheme for getting rich that will not work. Everyone has a scheme that will not work. Everyone hits a brick wall now and then; the trick is not to do it with your head. Everything east of the San Andreas fault will eventually plunge into the Atlantic Ocean. Everything happens at the same time with nothing in between. Everything in moderation, including moderation. Everything…
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Divorce A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?" She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by." "No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?" "It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded. "I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?" "I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents." He said, "Do you have a real grudge?" "No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one." "Please," he tried again,…
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What is a CAT? 1. Cats do what they want. 2. They rarely listen to you. 3. They're totally unpredictable. 4. When you want to play, they want to be alone. 5. When you want to be alone, they want to play. 6. They expect you to cater to their every whim. 7. They're moody. 8. They leave hair everywhere. CONCLUSION: They're tiny women in little fur coats. What is a DOG? 1. Dogs spend all day sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house. 2. They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear you when you're in the same room. 3. They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time. 4. They grow…
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Five doctors went duck hunting one day. Included in the group were a GP, a pediatrician, a psychiatrist, a surgeon and a pathologist. After a time, a bird came winging overhead. The first to react was the GP who raised his shotgun, but then hesitated. "I'm not quite sure it's a duck," he said, "I think that I will have to get a second opinion." And of course by that time, the bird was long gone. Another bird appeared in the sky thereafter. This time, the pediatrician drew a bead on it. He too, however, was unsure if it was really a duck in his sights and besides, it might have babies. "I'll have to do some more investigations," he muttered, as the creature made …
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Late one Friday night a policeman spotted a man driving very erratically through the streets of Dublin. They pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening. "Aye, so I have. 'Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called "Happy Hour" and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five O' those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and O' course I had to go in for a couple of Guinessis -- couldn't be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later..." And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located h…
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New Driver
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Martin had just received his brand new driver's license. The family troops out to the driveway, and climbs in the car, where he is going to take them for a ride for the first time. Dad immediately heads for the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver. "I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," says the beaming boy to his father. "Nope," comes dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to me all these years."
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Prison vs. Work IN PRISON...You spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell. AT WORK....You spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle. IN PRISON...You get three meals a day. AT WORK....You only get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it. IN PRISON...You get time off for good behavior. AT WORK....You get rewarded for good behavior with more work. IN PRISON...A guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you. AT WORK....You must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself. IN PRISON...You can watch TV and play games. AT WORK....You get fired for watching TV and playing games. IN PRISON...You get you…
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Three buddies die in a car crash, and they go to heaven to an orientation. They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you? The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man." The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow." The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say, "Look! He's moving!"
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I was standing at the bar one night minding my own business. This FAT ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said, "You're kinda cute. You gotta phone number?" I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?" She said, "Yeah, I got a pen". I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you." Cost me 6 stitches but when you’re over seventy...who cares? Cowboy: "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please." Lady Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?" Cowboy: "Nah. She's purty good lookin'." When you’re over seventy...who cares? I was talking to a young woman in the bar last night. She said, "If you lo…
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The guide to wife translations: The wife says: You want The wife means: You want The wife says: We need The wife means: I want The wife says: It's your decision The wife means: The correct decision should be obvious The wife says: Do what you want The wife means: You'll pay for this later The wife says: We need to talk The wife means: I need to complain The wife says: Sure... go ahead The wife means: I don't want you to The wife says: I'n not upset The wife means: Of course I'm upset you moron The wife says: You're ... so manly The wife means: You need a shave and sweat a lot The wife says: Be romantic, turn out…
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Business one-liners: As the economy gets better, everything else gets worse. As they say in Beirut, Shiite happens. Asking dumb questions is easier than correcting dumb mistakes. Assumption is the mother of all foul-ups. At any level of traffic, any delay is intolerable. Automatic simply means that you can't repair it yourself. Bad news drives good news out of the media. Bare feet magnetize sharp metal objects so they always point upward from the floor. Batman is the hero any of us could be, given determination, exercise, and deep psychological trauma. - Chris Jarocha-Ernst Be content with what you've got, but be sure you'…
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Two 80 year old men sat talking over the weather and the latest in medical science, and such, when one brings up the latest male medical miracle, Viagra. The other wasn't familiar with Viagra and asked the first man what it was for. The first man said, "It's the greatest thing I've ever known. The Fountain of Youth!! Makes you feel like a man of 30." The second then asked, "Can you get it over the counter?" "You probably could, if you took 2 pills", said the first man.
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A Hollywood producer received a story entitled, "The Optimist." He called his staff together and said: "Gentlemen, this title must be changed to something simpler. We're intelligent and know what an optimist is, but how many of those morons who'll see the picture will know he's an eye-doctor?
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It was early morning at the military base, and the first sergeant was calling out names for the daily work parties listed on a piece of paper: "Ames" "Here!" "Jenson" "Here!" "Jones" "Here!" "Magersky" "Here!" "Seeback" No answer. "Seeback!" No answer was heard again. "SEEBACK!!!" The troops remained totally silent. At that point, someone whispered into the first sergeant's ear. He looked again at what the last name really said, quickly turned over the list and continued calling the names printed on the other side.
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Grandma was outside pulling weeds on a hot summer day when her grandpa walked up and asked her what they were having for dinner. Irritated by the thought of him sitting in the air conditioned house while she labored away on the weeds, she snapped, "I can't believe you're asking me about supper right now! Pretend I'm out of town, go inside and make dinner yourself!" So grandpa went back in the house and fixed himself a nice big juicy steak, potatoes, garlic bread, and a tall beer. Grandma walked in just about the time he was finishing up and asked, "Where's my dinner?" "Huh? I thought you were out of town."
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