Sonny's Funnies
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A drunk woman leapt into a taxi stark naked. Sachin, the Indian cab driver made no attempt to drive off. "What's wrong with you Luv, haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?" "I'll not be staring at you lady, I am telling you, that would not be proper, where I am coming from..." "Well, if you're not bloody staring at me Luvie, what are you doing then?" "Well, I am looking and looking, and I am thinking and thinking to myself, where is this lady keeping the money to be paying me with?!"
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Funny Beer Quotations Beauty is in the hands of the beer holder. - Anonymous My Grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle. - Henry Youngman Drinking makes such fools of people, and people are such fools to begin with, that it's compounding a felony. - Robert Benchley Brewers enjoy working to make beer as much as drinking beer instead of working. - Harold Rudolph Apparently it was the accepted practice in Babylonia [now southern Iraq] 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer, and becau…
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Jennie was sitting at the defendant's table while the state trooper was being cross-examined on the witness stand. The lawyer asked, 'When you stopped the defendant, Jennie, were your red and blue lights flashing?' 'Yes, sir, they were.' 'Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?' 'Yes, sir, she did.' 'And,' looking at Jennie, 'what was it the defendant said?' 'She said, "What disco am I at?''
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A mechanic noticed his co-worker drinking brake fluid at lunch. "What are you doing, man? You can't drink that stuff!" "Relax," replied his co-worker, "this stuff tastes pretty good, and I don't drink it all the time." "Seriously," the mechanic exclaimed, "that brake fluid is poison!" "Hey, man" yelled the co-worker, "back off! I can stop any time I want."
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These Notes Were Left in Milk Bottles : Please send me details about cheap milk as I am stagnant. Dear milkman I've just had a baby, please leave another one. Please leave an extra pint of paralyzed milk. Milk is needed for the baby. Father is unable to supply it. Please don't leave any more milk. All they do is drink it. Milkman, please close the gate behind you because the birds keep pecking the tops off the milk. Milkman, please could I have a loaf but not bread today. Please cancel milk. I have nothing coming i…
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The Mourner
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A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, 'Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?' The first man approached him and said, 'Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?' The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied........ 'My wife's first husband
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A Congressman in the USA was once asked about his attitude toward whiskey. 'If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I'm against it. But if you mean the elixir of Christmas cheer, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then I'm for it. This is my position, and I will not compromise.'
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Things Never Said by Rednecks -- Duct tape won't fix that. -- Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken. -- We don't keep firearms in the house. -- You can't feed that to the dog. -- The kids can't ride in the back of the pickup -- it's just not safe. -- Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace? -- We're vegetarians. -- Do you think my gut is too big? -- Honey, we don't need another dog. -- Who's Richard Petty? -- We could just share a small bag of pork rinds .-- Too many deer heads detract from the decor .-- I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today .-- Is there a…
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A Telephone Salesman telephoned a household, and a four-year-old boy answered. The conversation went thus: Salesman: May I speak to your mother? Boy: She's not here. Salesman: Well, is anyone else there? Boy: My sister. Salesman: O.K., fine. May I speak to her? Boy: I guess so. At this point there was a very long silence on the phone. Then: Boy: Hello? Salesman: It's you. I thought you were going to call your sister. Boy: I did. But I can't get her out of the playpen
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Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp "What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender. " Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy. "That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand." "That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it." " Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?" That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but use…
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The Angry Genie One day a man was waking along the beach when he tripped over a lamp. He turned around and kicked the lamp out of anger. A few seconds later, a genie popped out of the lamp, but the genie was angry that the man had kicked his lamp. Reluctantly, the genie said, "Even though you kicked me, I still have to give you three wishes. However because of what you did, I will also give twice what you wish for to the person you hate the most: your boss." So the man agreed and made his first wish. "I want lots of money", he said. Instantly 22 million dollars appear in the man's bank account and 44 million appeared in his boss' account. For his second…
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Some people have skeletons in their closet. I have a whole graveyard! I bet you I could stop gambling. I think I'm agnostic, but I haven't decided. I can't get enough minimalism. I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative. Do ten millipedes equal one centipede? The best contraceptive for old people is nudity. I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog. I wondered why the Frisbee was getting bigger, and then it hit me. Those that forget the pasta are doomed to reheat it. Take everything in moderation. Including moderation. There are two rules for success: 1.) Don't tell all you know. Some days it's not worth chewing throu…
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Twins and Twins A census taker in a rural area went up to a farmhouse and knocked. When a woman came to the door, he asked her how many children she had and their ages. She said, "Les' see now, there's the twins, Kathy and Katy, they're eighteen. And the twins, Seth and Beth, they're sixteen. And the twins, Penny and Jenny, they're fourteen---- " "Hold on!" said the census taker, "Did you get twins every time?" The woman answered, "Heck no, there were whole bunch of times we didn't get nothin'."
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What is a Cat? Cats do what they want. They rarely listen to you. They're totally unpredictable. They whine when they are not happy. When you want to play, they want to be alone. When you want to be alone, they want to play. They expect you to cater to their every whim. They're moody. They leave hair everywhere. They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg. Conclusion: They're tiny women in fur coats. What is a Dog? Dogs lie around all day, sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house. They can hear a package of food…
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1. "Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife." 2. "I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I've changed my mind." 3. "I must admit, you brought Religion in my life. I never believed in Hell until I met you." 4. "As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin it for me." 5. "If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister." 6. "As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like the need for therapy..." 7. "Thanks for being a part of my life! I never knew what evil was before this!" 8. "Congratul…
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At the Dentist: I had to go to the dentist -- very scared of the dentist. I go into the office, and I'm waiting. A little kid comes out, and he's crying. The dentist bends over and gives him a lollipop. I'm like, 'Don't take that, man. That's what got you in here in the first place.'
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My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn't concentrate. I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax. I was a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it. It was a so-so job. I worked in a muffler factory but that was exhausting. I was a barber, but I just couldn't cut it. I tried to be a chef. I thought it would add a little spice to my life,but I just didn't have the thyme. I was a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard. I was a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy. I studied a lo…
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A fellow comes home after his regular Saturday golf game and his wife asks why he doesn't include Tom O'Brien in the games anymore. The husband asks, "Would you want to play with a guy who regularly cheats, swears up a storm over everything, lies about his score, and has nothing good to say about anyone else on the course?" "Of course I wouldn't," replies the wife. "Well," says the husband, "neither would Tom O'Brien."
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25 facts of life 1. The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of helicopters in it. 2. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight-saving time. 3. People who feel the need to tell you that they have an excellent sense of humor are telling you that they have no sense of humor. 4. The most valuable function performed by the federal government is entertainment. 5. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment. 6. A penny saved is worthless. 7. They can hold all the p…
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I JUST KNEW I WAS IN BIG TROUBLE AT WORK WHEN... ...the new policy on sexual harassment included a photo of me. ...the Security guard made a complete inventory of my work area. ...my assistant began responding to my memos with, "Yeah, whatever." ...I got a "It's for you loser" wav receiving e-mail, & not a chime. ...my new Pentium was replaced with an 386sx-16 last weekend. ...the Human Resources Dept requested an update of my arrest record. ...the Boss asked if I still had a copy of my 5 year contract. ...I noticed co-workers measuring my office when I arrived at work. ...my parking spot was relocated next to the dumpster. ...my secretar…
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Ricky, Tony, and Leroy were out riding their bikes in downtown Chicago when a fire engine zoomed past with blaring sirens. The three boys spotted an Alsatian dog on the front seat of the fire engine. Ricky commented, "They use that dog to control sightseers." "No," said Tony, "he's just for good luck." But Leroy knew better, "No, that's not it," he said. "The dog is there to point the firemen to the nearest fire hydrant!"
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People Say the Strangest Things: These phrases were culled from the small ad columns of local newspapers in the UK and the USA: Semi-annual after-Christmas sale.Auto repair service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you' ll never go anywhere again. We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $10.00. Auto repair service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again. Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else. Tattoos done while you wait. Buy your new bedroom suite from us, and we will stand behind it for six month…
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