Sonny's Funnies
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Hillbilly Knows Best A hillbilly farmer from back in the hills walked twelve miles, one way, to the general store. 'Heya, Wilbur,' said Ron, the store owner. 'Tell me, are you and Myrtle still making fires up there by rubbing stones and flint together?' 'You betcha, Ron. Ain't no 'tother way. Why?' 'Got something to show you. Something to make fire. It's called a "match". 'Match? Never heard of it.' 'Watch this. If you want a fire you just do this,' Ron says, taking a match and striking it on his trousers. 'Huh. Well, that's something, but that ain't for me, Ron.' 'Well, why not?' 'I can't be walking twelve miles every time I want a …
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How many contract lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? WHEREAS, the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (North) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at t…
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Things You Can't Say With a Hallmark Card 1. "Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife." 2. "I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I've changed my mind." 3. "I must admit, you brought Religion in my life. I never believed in Hell until I met you." 4. "As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin it for me." 5. "If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister." 6. "As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like the need for therapy..." 7. "Thanks for being a part o…
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The Funny Wisdoms of Life: Some Are Witty and Some Are Even True The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity. But not in that order - Brian Pickrell Never miss an opportunity to make others happy, even if you have to leave them alone in order to do it - Author unknown He has a face like a Saint - A Saint Bernard - Unknown I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer - Douglas Adams The empty vessel makes the greatest sound - William Shakespeare Silence and smile are two powerful words. Smile is the way to solve many problems and Silence is the way to avoid many problems - Anon …
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The girl came running in tears to her father. "Dad, you gave me some terrible financial advice!" she cried. "I did? What did I tell you?" said the dad. "You told me to put my money in that big bank, and now that big bank is in trouble." "What are you talking about? That's one of the largest banks in the world," he said. "Surely there must be some mistake." "I don't think so," she sniffed. "They just returned one of my checks with a note saying, 'Insufficient Funds'."
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Heather and Marcy hadn't seen each other in a while, so they decided to meet for lunch. The talk naturally got around to their respective love lives. Marcy confided that there really wasn't anyone special in her life. Heather, on the other hand, was beaming about the new man she had found. "He's perfect. He's handsome, and last night when we went out to dinner, he said the four little words I've been waiting to hear a man say to me!" "He said 'will you marry me'?" Marcy asked. Heather replied, "No, he said 'put your money away'.
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Ever Wonder... Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin? Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed? Why you don't ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"? Why "abbreviated" is such a long word? Why doctors call what they do "practice"? Why you have to click on "Start" to stop Windows? Why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, while dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons? Why the man who invests all your money is called a broker? Why there isn't mouse-flavored cat food? Who tastes dog food when it has a "new & improved" flavor? Why they sterilize th…
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Mississippi Student Absentees You cannot read these and not laugh out loud! These are real notes written from parents in a Mississippi school district. (Spellings have been left intact.) My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him. Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot. Dear School: Please ekscuse John Henry being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33 Please excuse Gloria Jean from Jim today. She is administrating Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip. John has been absent because he had two teeth …
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4th Wiseman
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Definitions Male/Female 1. THINGY (thing-ee) n. a. female...Any part under a car's hood. b. male...The strap fastener on a woman's bra. 2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj. a. female...Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another. b. male...Playing any sport without a "cup." 3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n. a. female...The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner. b. male...Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the boys. 4. BUTT (but) n. a. female...The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes "look bigger." b. male...What you slap when someone's scored a touchdown,…
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The Auction
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Selling at an auction was halted when the auctioneer announced, “Someone in the room has lost his wallet containing $2,000. He is offering a reward of $500.00 for its immediate return.” After a moment of silence, there was a call from the back of the room, $550.00
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The Artist
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An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in her paintings that were on display. "Well, I have good news and bad news," the owner responded. "The good news is that a gentleman noticed your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. I told him it would and he bought all 10 of your paintings." "That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?" "The gentleman was your doctor."
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One day a housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted , 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?' 'It depends,' his wife replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?' He yelled back, ' GO BUCKEYES!' And they say blondes are dumb.
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Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee. Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner. Law of probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act. Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal. Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire. Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you …
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Good Advice
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A farmer in the country has a watermelon patch and upon inspection he discovers that some of the local kids have been helping themselves to a feast. The farmer thinks of ways to discourage this profit eating situation. So he puts up a sign that reads WARNING; ONE OF THESE WATERMELONS CONTAINS CYANIDE! The farmer returns a week later to discover that none of the watermelons have been eaten, but finds another sign that reads, NOW THERE ARE TWO!
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As You Slide Down the Banister of Life, Remember: 1. Deleted by me!!! 2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary. 3. The difference between the Pope and your boss...the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring. 4. My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone. 5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom. 6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood. 7. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too. 8. A husband is someone wh…
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A man goes to the doctor and tells him that he hasn't been feeling well. The doctor examines him, leaves the room and comes back with three different bottles of pills. The doctor says, "Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you get up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water." Startled to be put on so much medicine the man stammers, "My goodness, doc, exactly what's my problem?" Doctor says, "You're not drinking enough water.”
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We've all had the annoying experience of calling up a hotline and waiting on the phone for eons to hear all the choices the lucky touch-tone dialers receive. Well, think how frustrating that would be if you were calling the: PSYCHIATRIC HOTLINE The telephone rings and an answering machine answers... "Welcome to the psychiatric hotline." If you are obsessive compulsive, please press one repeatedly. If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2. If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6. If you are paranoid/delusional, we know who you are, what you want, just stay on the line so that we can trace your call. If yo…
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Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swallar?" The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, "Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no. The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flie…
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One winter morning a husband and wife in Denver were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snow plows can get through." So the good wife went out and moved her car. A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snow plows can get through." The good wife went out and moved her car again. The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio ann…
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