Sonny's Funnies
2,951 topics in this forum
-
- 0 replies
- 603 views
Ya Might be a Redneck If: Jack Daniel's makes your list of "most admired people." You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean. The blue book value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas is in it. You think loading a dishwasher means getting your wife drunk. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws. The Halloween pumpkin on…
Last reply by Sonny, -
-
A man walks out to the street and catches a cab just going by. He gets into the cab, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank." Passenger: "Who?" Cabbie: "Frank Feldman... he's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time." Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody." Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone, and danced like a Broadway star. And you should have heard him play the piano! He was an amazing guy." …
Last reply by Sonny, -
- 0 replies
- 627 views
A funny thought for the day from the movies... "It is a truth universally acknowledged that when one part of your life starts going okay, another falls spectacularly to pieces." ~ Renee Zellweger, Bridget Jone's Diary ~ [talking about his new wife] "Ignore her. She's drunk. At least I hope she is. Otherwise I'm in real trouble." ~ Timothy Walker, Four Weddings and a Funeral ~ ` "Relax Luther, it's much worse than you think." ~ Ethan Hunt, Mission: Impossible ~ "All I've ever wanted was an honest week's pay for an honest day's work." ~ Steve Martin, Bilko ~ "You know what the trouble about real life is? There's no danger music." ~ The Cable Guy ~ "The…
Last reply by Sonny, -
Worried because they hadn't heard anything for days from the widow in the neighboring apartment, Mrs. Silver said to her son, "Timmy, would you go next door and see how old Mrs. Kirkland is?" A few minutes later, Timmy returned. "Well," asked Mrs. Silver, "is she all right?" "She's fine, except that she's angry at you." "At me?" the woman exclaimed. "Whatever for?" "She said 'It's none of your business how old she is,'" snickered Timmy.
Last reply by Sonny, -
- 0 replies
- 671 views
A Thoughtful Valentine's Day Gift Jim asked his friend, Tony, whether he had bought his wife anything for Valentine's Day. 'Yes,' came the answer from Tony who was a bit of a chauvinist, 'I've bought her a belt and a bag.' 'That was very kind of you,' Jim added, 'I hope she appreciated the thought.' Tony smiled as he replied, 'So do I, and hopefully the vacuum cleaner will work better now.'
Last reply by Sonny, -
- 0 replies
- 633 views
Interesting Questions: Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase? If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet? Why is it that bullets ricochet off of Superman's chest, but he ducks when the empty gun is thrown at him? When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting? Why do tourists go to the tops of tall buildings and then put money into telescopes so they can see things on the ground close-up? …
Last reply by Sonny, -
- 0 replies
- 650 views
A blonde called the airport for flight information. "How long is your flight from Los Angeles to Denver?” she asked. "Just a minute," the pleasant agent replied. "Thank You" she said and hung up.
Last reply by Sonny, -
- 0 replies
- 655 views
Last reply by Sonny, -
One Liners
by Sonny- 0 replies
- 647 views
A boiled egg is hard to beat. A calendar's days are numbered. A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion. He had a photographic memory, which was never developed. A plateau is a high form of flattery. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'…
Last reply by Sonny, -
- 0 replies
- 593 views
After waiting more than an hour and a half for her date, Melissa decided she had been stood up. She changed from her best dinner dress into her pajamas and slippers, fixed herself a snack and resigned herself to an evening of TV. No sooner had she flopped down in front of the TV than her doorbell rang. There stood her date. He took one look at her and gasped, "I'm two hours late ... and you're still not ready?"
Last reply by Sonny, -
- 0 replies
- 574 views
The Funny Wisdoms of Life: Some Are Witty and Some Are Even True: The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity. But not in that order - Brian Pickrell Never miss an opportunity to make others happy, even if you have to leave them alone in order to do it - Author unknown He has a face like a Saint - A Saint Bernard - Unknown I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer - Douglas Adams The empty vessel makes the greatest sound - William Shakespeare …
Last reply by Sonny, -
Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. He'd never been to church in his life. After Mass, the priest caught up with him and said, "Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?" Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father. A while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat." The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice th…
Last reply by Sonny, -
- 0 replies
- 632 views
How careers end: Lawyers are disbarred. Ministers are defrocked. Electricians are delighted. Far Eastern diplomats are disoriented. Drunks are distilled. Alpine climbers are dismounted. Piano tuners are unstrung. Orchestra leaders are disbanded. Artists' models are deposed. Cooks are deranged. Dressmakers are unbiased. Nudists are redressed. Office clerks are defiled. Mediums are dispirited. Programmers are decoded. Accountants are discredited. Holy people are disgraced. Pastry chefs are deserted. Perfume makers are dissented. Butterfly collectors are debugged. Students are degraded. Electricians are ref…
Last reply by Sonny, -
- 0 replies
- 716 views
Having a rough day? Just in case you've had a rough day, here's a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological texts. The funny thing is that it really works. 1. Picture yourself near a stream. 2. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air. 3. No one but you knows your secret place. 4. You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called "the world,". 5. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity. 6. The water is crystal clear. 7. You can easily make out the face of the person you're holding underwater. 8. See, you're smiling already.
Last reply by Sonny, -
- 0 replies
- 619 views
Words of Wisdom (2) There are only two things you "have to" do in life, you "have to" die, and you "have to" live until you die. You make up all the rest. Life is a journey, not a destination. He who laughs, lasts. If you are not rich, notice how you make yourself poor. The biggest risk in life is not risking. …
Last reply by Sonny, -
- 0 replies
- 662 views
Words of wisdom ------------------------------------------------------------------- A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. ------------------------------------------------------------------- A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. -------…
Last reply by Sonny, -
- 0 replies
- 657 views
Dilbert's words of wisdom Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it. Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If they aren't there the first time, chances are you won't be needing them again. I don't have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem. Last…
Last reply by Sonny, -
- 0 replies
- 674 views
Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink: Lady Astor to Winston Churchill Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it: Was Winston's reply. Work is the curse of the drinking class: Oscar Wilde. When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading: Henny Youngman. He was a wise man who invented beer: Plato. He talked with more claret than clarity: Susan Ertz One reason I don't drink is that I want to know when I am having a good time: Nancy Astor Beer is proof t…
Last reply by Sonny, -
Dad Jokes: Dad, did you get a haircut? No I got them all cut. What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car? Carlos. Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don’t think they’ll fit me. Can I watch the TV? Dad: Yes, but don’t turn it on. I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy. What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta. You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine. “Every time I hurt myself, even to this day, my dad says, ‘The good news is..it’ll feel better when it quits hurting.'” What’s brown and sticky? A stick. Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable. Did you hear about th…
Last reply by Sonny, -
- 0 replies
- 617 views
Jennie was sitting at the defendant's table while the state trooper was being cross-examined on the witness stand. The lawyer asked, 'When you stopped the defendant, Jennie, were your red and blue lights flashing?' 'Yes, sir, they were.' 'Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?' 'Yes, sir, she did.' 'And,' looking at Jennie, 'what was it the defendant said?' 'She said, "What disco am I at?''
Last reply by Sonny, -
A woman noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. “Ha! That’s not going to help,” she said. “Sure, it does,” he said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”
Last reply by Sonny, -
-
- 0 replies
- 657 views
Last reply by Sonny, -
Ponderings
by Sonny- 0 replies
- 673 views
Ponderings: How come you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead? Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations? You know how most packages say "Open here".What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"? Since Americans throw rice at weddings do orientals throw hamburgers? Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts? Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together? Why do people without out a watch look at their wrist when you ask them what time it is? Why do you ask someone without a watch what time it is? …
Last reply by Sonny, -
An elderly woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and a gold Rolex." "But you are not wearing any of those things," replied the artist. "I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry."
Last reply by Sonny, -
- 0 replies
- 695 views
A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly. "Quick," said the woman to her lover, "into the closet!" and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked. The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. "Who are you?" he asked. "I'm an inspector from Termite Busters," said the exterminator. "What are you doing in there?" the husband asked. "I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied. "And where are your clothes?" asked the…
Last reply by Sonny,
