Sonny's Funnies
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Pick-up Lines and Replies: HE: Your face must turn a few heads. SHE: And your face must turn a few stomachs. HE: Go on, dont be shy. Ask me out! SHE: Okay, get out! HE: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy. SHE: If I saw you naked, I'd die laughing. HE: Where have you been all my life? SHE: Where I'll be the rest of your life - in your wildest dreams. HE: Where have you been all my life? SHE: Hiding from you. HE: I think I could make you very happy SHE: Why? Are you leaving? HE: What would you say if I asked you to marry me? SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time. HE: Hi, Di…
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Psychic Frog A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and his Personal Psychic Advisor tells him: "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you." The frog is thrilled, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party?" "No," says his Advisor, "in her biology class.
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Mom's Words
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Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been."
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Signs Found In The Kitchen: So this isn't Home Sweet Home ... Adjust! Ring bell for maid service. If no answer, do it yourself! I clean house every other day. Today is the other day. If you write in the dust, please don't date it! I would cook dinner but I can't find the can opener! A clean kitchen is the sign of a wasted life. My house was clean last week, too bad you missed it! I came, I saw, I decided to order take out. If you don't like my standards of cooking ...lower your standards. Although you'll find our house a mess, Come in, sit down, converse. It doesn't always look like this: So…
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School A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!
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A man and a woman are sleeping together when suddenly there is a noise in the house, and the woman rolls over and says, "It's my husband, you have to leave!" The man jumps out of bed, jumps through the window, crawls through the bushes, and out on the street, when he realizes something. He goes back to the house and says to the woman, "Wait, I'm your husband!" She replies giving him a dirty look, "So why did you run?"
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Vintage Classifed Adverts: Youngsters aren't the only people who take out personal ads. Seniors do too! And they have a sense of humor as well. Here are funny classifed ads placed by actual senior citizens in Florida plus a few from Arizona. Male, 1922, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn't in running condition, but walks well. Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem. I am into solit…
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Are You a Cop While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop? Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report. My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her. 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'
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Two blondes and a Hammer: Carol and Donna, were doing some carpenter work on a Habitat for Humanity house. Carol, who was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in. Donna, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, 'Why are you throwing those nails away?' Carol explained, 'When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end and I throw them away.' Donna got completely upset and yelled, 'You moron! Those nails aren't defective! They're …
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Ed "Don't laugh!" said the patient, Ed. "Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient." "Okay then," Ed said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'hoo-ha' the doctor had ever seen. It could not have been bigger than the size of an AAA battery. Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, and then fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later, he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure. "I'm so sorry," said the doctor. "I really am. I do not know what came over me. On my hon…
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My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn't concentrate. I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax. I was a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it. It was a so-so job. I worked in a muffler factory but that was exhausting. I was a barber, but I just couldn't cut it. I tried to be a chef. I thought it would add a little spice to my life,but I just didn't have the thyme. I was a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard. I was a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy. I studied a lo…
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Makes Ya Think: Do most twins ever realize that one of them is unplanned? What if my dog only brings back the ball because he/she thinks I like throwing it? If poison expires, is it more poisonous or is it no longer poisonous? Which letter is silent in the word "Scent," the S or the C? Why is the letter W, in English, called double U? Shouldn't it be called double V? Maybe oxygen is slowly killing you and it just takes 75-100 years to fully work. Every time you clean something, you just make something else dirty. The word "swims" upside-down is still "swims". Intentionally losing a game of rock, paper, scissors is just as h…
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The Aisle, the Altar, and the Hymn Through the ages, men have been trying to unlock this mystery: Why do their wives, who accept them just as they are before they get married, begin the quest to change their behavior and life-style once their vows are exchanged? Finally, the riddle is solved. A social-scientist has arrived at this simple and logical explanation. When the bride, accompanied by her father, starts to walk slowly down the long aisle, she sees the altar at the end and hears the choir singing a hymn. Walking down the aisle, the conditioning process starts where the brain absorbs these three stimuli: Aisle, altar, …
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GREAT REASONS TO BE A GUY: Phone Conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. Dry cleaners and hair cutters don't rob you blind. You can go to the bathroom without a support group. You can leave the motel bed unmade. You can kill your own food. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. Wedding plans take care of themselves. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack. If you …
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Like Father, Like Husband? If it's true that girls are inclined to marry men like their fathers, it is understandable why so many mothers cry so much at weddings.
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A Senior Citizen I am a senior citizen... - I'm the life of the party... even when it lasts 'till 8pm. - I'm very good at opening childproof caps with a hammer. - I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I'm going. - I'm good on a trip for at least an hour without my aspirin, antacid... - I'm the first one to find the bathroom wherever I go. - I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up. - I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a word you're saying. - I'm very good at telling stories...over and over and over and over. - I'm aware that other people's grandchildren are not as bright as mine. - I'm so c…
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The Waiter
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A waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered with his thumb over the meat. "Are you crazy" yelled the customer, "sticking your thumb in my steak?!" "What" answers the waiter, "You want it to fall on the floor again?"
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3 Docs at Heaven's Gate: Three doctors arrived in heaven. St. Peter asked the first one why he should be let into heaven. The doctor first doctor said "Because I won the Nobel Peace Prize for my work." The second doctor was a little worried when his turn came. He said, "I haven't won any prizes, but I've started free clinics and helped those in need for free." St. Peter let him in. The third doctor said, "I'm responsible for all the HMO's across the United States." St. Peter thought about it for a minute and sa…
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7 Word Obituary: A woman from the deepest, most southern part of Alabama goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is written. The obit editor informs her that the fee for the obituary is 50 cents a word. She pauses, reflects and then says, "Well, then, let it read, 'Billy Bob died'." Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor says, "Sorry ma'am, there is a 7 word minimum on all obituaries." Only a little flustered, she thinks things over and in a few seconds says, "In that case, let it read, 'Billy Bob died - 1983 Pick-up for sale.'"
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A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag. "Our flag symbolizes our taxes," he said. "We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them." "That's the same with us," the American said, "Only we see stars, too."
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Two Roofers
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Two roofers, Mike and Rob were on the roof, laying shingles, when a sudden gust of wind came and knocked down their ladder. "I have an idea," said Mike. "We'll throw you down, and then you can pick up the ladder." "What, do you think I'm stupid? I have an idea. I'll shine my flashlight, and you can climb down on the beam of light." "What, do you think I'm stupid? You'll just turn off the flashlight when I'm halfway there."
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When Santa came home, his wife, Jeeto, was crying. "Your mother insulted me," Jeeto sobbed. "My mother? How could she do that when she is on vacation on the other side of the country?" Santa asked. "I know. But this morning a letter addressed to you arrived. I opened it because I was curious." "And?" "At the end of the letter it said, 'Dear Jeeto, when you have finished reading this letter, don't forget to give it to my son.'"
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Trainee cowpoke More than anything, dull Dennis wanted to be a cowpoke. Taking pity on him, a rancher decided to hire the lad and give him a chance. "This," he said, showing Dennis is a rope, "is a lariat. We use it to catch cows." "I see, said Dennis, trying to seem knowledgeable as he examined the lariat. "And what do you use for bait?"
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Night Court
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At night court, a man was brought in and set before the judge. The judge said, "State your name, occupation, and the charge."The defendant said, "I'm Sparks, I'm an electrician, charged with battery."The judge winced and said, "Bailiff! Put this man in a dry cell!"
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