Sonny's Funnies
2,951 topics in this forum
-
- 0 replies
- 795 views
Jeb and Jethro live in the hills, about 5 miles outside of town. Jeb asks Jethro to go in to town to pick up some lumber. Jethro walks the 5 miles to town to the local lumberyard. "Jeb says we're gonna need some 4 x 2's" Jethro tells the yardman. "Do you mean 2 x 4's?" asks the yardman. "Well, I don't rightly know, I better go ask Jeb" says Jethro and walks the 10 miles to the hills and back to town. "Jeb says we're gonna need 2 x 4's" Jethro tells the yardman. "Now, how many 2 x 4's will you need?" asks the yardman. "Well, I don't rightly know, I better go ask Jeb." says Jethro, and again walks the 10 miles to the hills and back to town…
Last reply by Sonny, -
-
- 0 replies
- 696 views
WHY MEN ARE SELDOM DEPRESSED: Men are just happier people. What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're tal…
Last reply by Sonny, -
- 0 replies
- 635 views
A veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor. The doctor asked her all the usual questions, about symptoms, how long had they been occurring, etc., when she interrupted him: "Hey look, I'm a vet -- I don't need to ask my patients these kind of questions: I can tell what's wrong just by looking. Why can't you?" The doctor nodded, looked her up and down, wrote out a prescription, and handed it to her and said, "There you are. Of course, if that doesn't work, we'll have to have you put down."
Last reply by Sonny, -
- 0 replies
- 662 views
Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. "You're running around with other women," she told her mate. "Eve, honey, you're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You know you're the only woman on earth." The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by a strange pain in the chest. It was his darling Eve poking him rather vigorously about the torso. "What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded. "Counting your ribs," said Eve.
Last reply by Sonny, -
- 0 replies
- 706 views
Sports Quotes: 1. Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the kids to copulate me." 2. New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first.." 3. And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skin's say: "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too." 4. Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treat us like mens. He let us wear earrings.." 5. Football commentator an…
Last reply by Sonny, -
- 0 replies
- 649 views
Last reply by Sonny, -
Newborn Son
by Sonny- 0 replies
- 724 views
A man is waiting for wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the father loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion. After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar and tearfully tells the son he is proud of him. Dad orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, s…
Last reply by Sonny, -
- 0 replies
- 642 views
10 Parenting Laws 1. The later you stay up, the earlier your child will wake up the next morning. 2. For a child to become clean, something else must become dirty. 3. Toys multiply to fill any space available. 4. The longer it takes you to make a meal, the less your child will like it. 5. Yours is always the only child who doesn't behave. 6. If the shoe fits...it's expensive. 7. The surest way to get something done is to tell a child not to do it. 8. The gooier the food, the more likely it is to end up on the carpet. 9. Backing the car out of the driveway causes your child to have to go to the bathroom. 10. The more challenging the child, the more r…
Last reply by Sonny, -
Stuff: And your crybaby whinny opinion would be...? This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer. If I throw a stick, will you leave? If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cats. Does your train of thought have a caboose? Errors have been made. Others will be blamed. A PBS mind in an MTV world. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them. …
Last reply by Sonny, -
- 0 replies
- 663 views
There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby so he went before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck. After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's salary. There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church. Finally, the Preacher got up and spoke to the crowd, "Children are a gift from God," he said. Silence fell on the congregation. In the back pew, a little old lady stood up and in her frail v…
Last reply by Sonny, -
Man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. "Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed. "Who was that?" asked his wife.. "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.... "Did you help him?" she asks. "No, I did not, it's 3 am in the morning and it's bloomin' well pouring with rain out there!" "Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should hel…
Last reply by Sonny, -
-
The Arrest
by Sonny- 0 replies
- 661 views
Last reply by Sonny, -
- 0 replies
- 681 views
Points of Wisdom for the Day The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe ...before you start looking like a mental patient. My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I'm pretty sure she was hitting on me. My 60 year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I'm worried about the 195 lbs I've gained since then. I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say, “Here, fill this out?” The speed with which a woman says "nothing" when asked "What's wrong?" .... ... is inversely proportional to the severity of the crap…
Last reply by Sonny, -
Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, 'Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?' The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, 'Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?' The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, 'It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into.
Last reply by Sonny, -
Q. When is a retiree's bedtime? A. Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch. Q. How many retirees does it take to change a light bulb? A. Only one, but it might take all day. Q. What's the biggest gripe of retirees? A. There is not enough time to get everything done. Q. Why don't retirees mind being called senior citizens? A. The term comes with a 10% discount. Q. Among retirees what is considered formal attire? A. Tied shoes. Q. Why do retirees count pennies? A. They are the only ones who have the time. Q. What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire? A. NUTS! Q. Why are retirees so slow …
Last reply by larry myers, -
-
An old man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough." "Pop, what are you talking about," the son screams. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man said. "We're sick and tired of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her." And he hangs up. Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "Like heck they're getting a divorce," she shouts. "I'll take care of this." She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting…
Last reply by Sonny, -
- 0 replies
- 601 views
A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded: "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty.. You're crazy to go to Rome .. So, how are you getting there?" "We're taking BA," was the reply. "We got a great rate!" "BA?" exclaimed the hairdresser.. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?" "We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome 's Tiber River called Teste." "Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody …
Last reply by Sonny, -
McDonald's
by Sonny- 0 replies
- 633 views
A German tourist walks into a McDonald's in New York City and orders a beer. (In Germany and many parts of Europe, McDonald's actually does serve beer.) The local guy in the line behind him immediately gives him the jab: "They don't serve BEER here, you MORON!" The German fellow felt pretty stupid, but suddenly turns to the New Yorker with a surprised look, and begins to chuckle. "And what's so funny?!?" the New Yorker demands. "Oh, nothing really, I just realized that you came here for the food."
Last reply by Sonny, -
At the police station, Bubba explained to the police officer why his cousins shot him. "Well," Bubba began, "We wuz havin' a good time drinking, when my cousin Ray picked up his shotgun and said, 'Hey, der ya fellows wanna go hunting?'" "And then what happened?" the officer interrupted. "From what I remember," Bubba said, "I stood up and said, 'Sure, I'm game.'"
Last reply by Sonny, -
-
- 0 replies
- 719 views
Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?" "Only one kiss per yard, " replied the smirking male clerk. "That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards." With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out teasingly. The girl snapped up the package, pointed to a little old man standing beside her, smiled and said. "Grandpa pay the man."
Last reply by Sonny, -
- 0 replies
- 590 views
Business one-liners : It's Not My Job! It's not hard to meet expenses; they are everywhere. It's not how good your work is, it's how well you explain it. It's not the work that gets me down, it's the coffee breaks. It's out of my control. Job placement: Telling your boss what he can do with your job. Join in the new game that's sweeping the country. It's called "Bureaucracy". Everybody stands in a circle. The first person to do anything loses. Junk mail arrives the day it was sent. Just about the time when you think you can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends. Just about the time when your incom…
Last reply by Sonny, -
- 0 replies
- 639 views
An elderly pair (he a widower, she a widow) meet in a retirement village. They seem to hit it off; they share each others values, enjoy the same jokes, and find pleasure in each others company. After a few months, the widower asks for the hand of the widow in marriage. She appears hesitant and decided to probe her soon-to-be a little. "Perhaps I shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth, but... How's your health?" "It's OK", he answers. "I'm not getting any younger, but I don't have any major health problems. I can still enjoy life". "Well, then", she replies "I don't want to be a snoop, but I've got to protect myself: how are you fixed financially?" …
Last reply by Sonny, -
- 0 replies
- 634 views
Business one-liners : It is incredible how much intelligence is used in this world to prove nonsense. It is later than you think. It is morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money. It is not enough to tell me you worked hard to get your gold. The devil works hard too. It is not how someone measures up. It is how they measure you. It is not sufficient to be a success; it is also necessary for your friends to be failures. It is not true that life is one thing after another, it's one stupid thing over and over. It is okay to be ignorant in some areas, but some people abuse the privilege. It is the dead …
Last reply by Sonny, -
- 0 replies
- 700 views
A woman with an undetermined hair color is watching the news with her husband when the news says, "Two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident."The woman starts crying and says to her husband while sobbing"That's horrible! So many men dying that way!" Confused the husband replies "Yes dear, but they were skydiving, and there is always that risk involved." After a few minutes, the woman, still sobbing, says, "So how many is a Brazilian?
Last reply by Sonny, -
- 0 replies
- 639 views
Business one-liners : Indecision is the key to flexibility. Indifference is the only sure defense. Information deteriorates upward through bureaucracies. Information travels more surely to those with a lesser need to know. Information's pretty thin stuff, unless mixed with experience. Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get out. Inside every small problem is a larger problem struggling to get out. Instead of calling in sick, call in well. Tell them how great you feel not having to go to work today. Interchangeable parts won't. Is there life before coffee? It may be ba…
Last reply by Sonny,
