Sonny's Funnies
2,963 topics in this forum
-
The Robber
by Sonny- 0 replies
- 661 views
The judge frowned at the tired robber and said, “then you admit breaking into the same store on three successive nights?” ”Yes, your honor.” “And why was that?” said the judge “Because my wife wanted a dress.” “But why three nights in a row!” "She made me exchange it two times.”
Last reply by Sonny, -
- 0 replies
- 772 views
A musical director was having a lot of trouble with one drummer. He talked and talked and talked with the drummer, but his performance simply didn't improve. Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said, "When a musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't improve when given help, they take away the instrument, and give him two sticks, and make him a drummer." A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section: "And if he can't handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor."
Last reply by Sonny, -
- 0 replies
- 708 views
Two potatoes were standing on the corner, how do you know which one was the prostitute ? The one with label that says IDAHO
Last reply by Sonny, -
Ironic Gift
by Sonny- 0 replies
- 670 views
Last reply by Sonny, -
- 0 replies
- 711 views
A man asked an American Indian what was his wife's name. He replied, "She is called Five Horses". The man said, "That's an unusual name for a wife. What does it mean?" The Old Indian answered, "It is an old Indian name. It means ...." "NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG
Last reply by Sonny, -
- 0 replies
- 708 views
Once upon a time, allegedly, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By surprising coincidence both were blind from birth. One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit. 'Oh, my,' said the bunny, 'I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am.' 'It's quite OK,' replied the snake. 'Actually, my story is much the same as yours. I, too, have be…
Last reply by Sonny, -
- 0 replies
- 798 views
While shopping for vacation clothes, a husband and wife passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since she had even considered buying a bathing suit, so sought her husband's advice. "What do you think?" she asked. "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?" "Better get a bikini," he replied. "You'd never get it all in one."
Last reply by Sonny, -
- 0 replies
- 707 views
Last reply by Sonny, -
One Liners
by Sonny- 0 replies
- 727 views
If ignorance is bliss, most of us must be orgasmic. If it can be borrowed and it can be broken, you will borrow it and you will break it. If it doesn't make sense, it's either economics or psychology. If it doesn't work, expand it. If it happens, it must be possible. If it is good, they will stop making it. If it is incomprehensible, it's mathematics. If it is worth doing, it is worth doing for money. If it is worth doing, it is worth over-doing. If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway. If it looks too good to be true, it is too good to be true. If it says "one size…
Last reply by Sonny, -
- 1 reply
- 780 views
Men Are Just Happier People -- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$ 100. People never stare at your chest when y…
Last reply by Steven Leventen, -
- 0 replies
- 709 views
ADULT TRUTHS: #22 is one of my favorites!! 1. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is. 2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong. 3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger. 4. There is great need for a sarcasm font. 5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet? 6. Was learning cursive really necessary? YES!!!!! …
Last reply by Sonny, -
HIM: Can I buy you a drink? HER: Actually I'd rather have the money. HIM: I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours HER: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours. HIM: Hi. Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice? HER: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice. HIM: Will you go out with me this Saturday? HER: Sorry. I'm having a headache this weekend. HIM: Your face must turn a few heads. HER: And your face must turn a few stomachs. HIM: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out. HER: Okay, get out. HIM: I think I co…
Last reply by Sonny, -
- 0 replies
- 664 views
A teacher notices that a little boy (aka Little Johnny) at the back of the class is squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying attention. She goes back to find out what's up. He's quite embarrassed and whispers that he has just recently been circumcised and he's quite itchy. The teacher tells him to go down to the principal's office, to phone his mom, and ask her what he should do about it. He does this and returns to the class, sits down in his seat and suddenly, there's a general commotion at the back of the room. She goes over to him , only to find him sitting at his desk with his Thingy hanging out. "I thought I told you to call your mom" she says. …
Last reply by Sonny, -
- 0 replies
- 675 views
"The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don''t want to try these techniques at home.". "Why not?" asked somebody from the audience.. "I watched my wife''s routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets,often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, ''Hon, why don''tyou try carrying several things at once?''". "Did it save time?" the guy in the audience asked.. "Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."
Last reply by Sonny, -
The Jockey
by Sonny- 0 replies
- 698 views
The racehorse owner was annoyed with the running of his horse at the race. He turned on the jockey. "Flaherty, could you not have raced faster?" "Sure I could have, but you know we are supposed to stay on the horse."
Last reply by Sonny, -
- 0 replies
- 761 views
For All You Lexophiles (Lovers of Words): 1. A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired. 2. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway). 3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. 4. A backward poet writes inverse. 5. In democracy it's your vote that counts; In feudalism it's your count that votes. 6. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off. 7. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion. 8. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed. 9. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress. 10. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I…
Last reply by Sonny, -
- 0 replies
- 744 views
Mickey stops Paddy in Dublin and asks for the quickest way to Cork. Paddy says, "Are you on foot or in the car?" Mickey says, "In the car." Paddy says, "That's the quickest way!"
Last reply by Sonny, -
- 0 replies
- 693 views
The huge college freshman decided to try out for the football team. "Can you tackle?" asked the coach. "Watch this," said the freshman, who proceeded to run smack into a telephone pole, shattering it to splinters. "Wow," said the coach. "I'm impressed. Can you run?" "Of course I can run," said the freshman. He was off like a shot, and, in just over nine seconds, he had run a hundred yard dash. "Great!" enthused the coach. "But can you pass a football?" The freshman hesitated for a few seconds. "Well, sir," he said, "if I can swallow it, I can probably pass it."
Last reply by Sonny, -
- 0 replies
- 654 views
|Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time. After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community.... and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over. The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself. But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large c…
Last reply by Sonny, -
- 0 replies
- 666 views
A very elderly gentleman walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. He is in his mid nineties, very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel and smelling slightly of a good after shave. He presents a very well looked after image. Seated at the bar is an elderly really classy looking lady, (mid eighties). The sharp old gentleman walks over and sits alongside her. He orders a Manhattan. He takes a sip. He slowly turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"
Last reply by Sonny, -
- 0 replies
- 693 views
There was an Asian lady who married an English gentleman and moved to London. The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but anyhow managed to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries. One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy pork legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. The butcher got the message and the lady went home with pork legs. The next day, she needed to get chicken breasts. Again, she didn't know how to say, and so unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breast. The lady got what she wanted. The third …
Last reply by Sonny, -
- 0 replies
- 722 views
Last reply by Sonny, -
I read that 4,153,237 people got married last year. Not to cause any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number? Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water. I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car. I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you. When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts. A recent study has found that woman who carry a little extra weight, …
Last reply by Sonny, -
-
Little Pete came home from the playground with a bloody nose, black eye, and torn clothing. It was obvious he’d been in a bad fight and lost. While his father was patching him up, he asked his son what happened. “Well, Dad,” said Pete, “ I challenged Larry to a duel. And, you know, I gave him his choice of weapons.” “Uh-huh,” said the father, “that seems fair.” “I know, but I never thought he’d choose his sister!”
Last reply by Sonny, -
- 0 replies
- 698 views
An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven? The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll just run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's Sake, Jimmy, come in or stay out!'"
Last reply by Sonny,
