Sonny's Funnies
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The Balls of Sports: 1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL. 2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING. 3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL. 4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL. 5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS. 6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is GOLF. …
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Getting The Story Straight: When a man in Macon, Georgia came upon a wild dog attacking a young boy, he quickly grabbed the animal and throttled it with his two hands. A reporter saw the incident, congratulated the man and told him the headline the following day would read, "Local Man Saves Child by Killing Vicious Animal." The hero, however, told the journalist that he wasn't from Macon. "Well, then," the reporter said, "the headline will probably say, "G…
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A frustrated housewife bought a new pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to arouse her husband... and spice up their dead sex life. After cooking his favorite meal for dinner one evening... she had put them on under a revealing short skirt... and relaxed with a glass of wine on the sofa directly across from where her husband was sitting in his chair. After several more glasses of wine... and at what she thought was the appropriate moment... she uncrossed her legs just wide enough so that her husband could catch a revealing view. It wasn’t long before his eyes focused on the prize... and he asked... “Are you wearing crotchless panties?” “Y …
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Rita Rudner's Facts About Men: Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved. Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first few weeks he has it, lock the door when you go to the bathroom. Most of my husband's early films end with a scream and a flush. Be careful of men who are bald and rich; the arrogance of "rich" usually cancels o…
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A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the back entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know who I am?' The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.' Aren't you afraid of me?' Sa…
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Please copy and paste this to your status if you're constantly being asked to copy and paste things to your status by friends who copy and paste things to their status. Many people won't copy and paste this, but my true sarcastic friends will copy and paste it because they know this was copied and pasted from a dear friend in need of more stuff to copy and paste; and if you don't copy and paste it, then this means you hate Jesus, kittens, and puppies, and bacon. And if you hate bacon, the terrorists win.
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DILBERT'S WORDS OF WISDOM: 1. I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow, isn't looking good either. 2. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by. 3. Am I getting smart with you? How would you know? 4. I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode. 5. Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car. 6. There are very few personal problems that cannot b…
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Types of computer viruses: Adam and Eve virus: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple. Airline virus: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore. Anita Hill virus: Lies dormant for ten years. Arnold Schwarzenegger virus: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back. AT&T virus: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting. The MCI virus: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus. Bill Cli…
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7 Word Obituary: A woman from the deepest, most southern part of Alabama goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is written. The obit editor informs her that the fee for the obituary is 50 cents a word. She pauses, reflects and then says, "Well, then, let it read, 'Billy Bob died'." Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor says, "Sorry ma'am, there is a 7 word minimum on all obituaries." Only a li…
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More Actual Newspaper Headlines: Kids Make Nutritious Snacks Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in Ten Years Plane Too Close To Ground, Crash Probe Told New Vaccine May Contain AIDS Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case Iraqi Head Seeks Arms Hospitals Sued By Seven Foot Doctors Expert Says Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash Bank Drive-in Window Blocked By Board Typhoon Rips…
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Actual Newspaper Headlines: Big Rig Carrying Fruit Crashes on 210 Freeway, Creates Jam Kicking Baby Considered to be Healthy Crack Found on Governor's Daughter New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group Navy Changes Skirt Policy, Making Apparel Optional Stolen Painting Found by Tree Dead Officer on Force for 18 Years Headless Body Found in Topless Bar State Dinner Featured Cat, American Food …
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A friend asked a gentleman how it is that he never married ? Replied the gentleman, "Well, I guess I just never met the right woman ... I guess I've been looking for the perfect girl." "Oh, come on now," said the friend, "Surely you have met at least on girl that you wanted to marry." "Yes, there was one girl .. once. I guess she was the one perfect girl. The only perfect girl I really ever met. She was just the right everything .. I really mean that she was the perfect girl for me." "Well, why didn't you marry her," asked the friend. …
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Chairman of the Board To surprise her husband, an executive's wife stopped by his office. When she opened the door, she found him with his secretary sitting in his lap. Without hesitating, he dictated, "And in conclusion, gentlemen, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair."
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BUMPER STICKERS: What I really need are minions. Beer: It's not just for breakfast anymore. So you're a feminist. Isn't that cute? I'm an English major: You do the math. I need someone real bad. Are you real bad? Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. The more you complain the longer God makes you live. I R S: We've got what it takes to take what you've got. Hard work h…
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A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait. Once the test was over, the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point." The next class the professor handed the tests back out. This student got back his test and $56 change.
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The truth about Vaseline… A man doing market research for the Vaseline Company knocked at the door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet. “I’m doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?” She said, “Yes. My husband and I use it all the time.” “If you don’t mind my asking,” he said, “what do you use it for?” “We use it for sex,” she said. The researcher was a little taken aback. “Usually people lie to me and say they use it on a child’s bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people …
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It was mailman George's last day on the job after 35 years of delivering the mail through all kinds of weather. When he arrived at the first house on his route, the whole family came out, roundly congratulated him, and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures. At the next house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the mo…
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One Liners
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When I tell friends that I dream in color; they say it's just a pigment of my imagination. There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't. Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too? Help Wanted: Telepath; you know where to apply. Look out for #1, and don't step in #2, either. Department of Redundancy Department "If the shoe fits, buy it." - Imelda Marcos …
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More Stuff
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The trouble with life is there's no background music. Heck is where people go who don't believe in Gosh. Forgive and forget, but keep a list of names just in case. If evolution is fact, why do mothers only have two hands? Time is just nature's way to keep everything from happening at once. Hard work never killed anyone, but why chance it? All true wisdom is found on T-shirts. Strip mining prevents forest fires. …
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Some people have skeletons in their closet. I have a whole graveyard! I bet you I could stop gambling. I think I'm agnostic, but I haven't decided. I can't get enough minimalism. I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative. Do ten millipedes equal one centipede? The best contraceptive for old people is nudity. I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog. I wondered why the Frisbee was getting bigger, and then it hit me. Those that forget the pasta are doomed to rehea…
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Words Of Wisdom: Scars are like tattoos but with better stories. The trouble with trouble is it starts out as fun. I consider on time to be when I get there. If practice makes perfect and nobody’s perfect…….why practice? The last time I reached for the stars I pulled a muscle. Well another day passed and I didn’t use Algebra once. I can explain it to you but I can’t understand it for you. Everything I say is fully substantiated by my op…
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There was a Midwestern phone company that was going to hire one team of telephone pole installers, and the boss had to choose between a team of two Norwegian guys and a team of two Irish guys. So the boss met with both teams and said: "Here's what we'll do. Each team will be installing poles out on the new road for a day. The team that installs the most phone poles gets the job." Both teams headed right out. At end of the shift, Pat and Mike, the Irish guys, came back and the boss asked them how many they had installed. They said that it was tough going, but they'd put in…
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Golfing Realities: Golf balls are like eggs. They're white, they're sold by the dozen, and every week you have to buy more. A pro-shop gets its name from the fact that you have to have the income of a professional golfer to buy anything in there. It's amazing how a golfer who never helps out around the house will replace his divots, repair his ball marks, and rake his sand traps. When you stop to think about it, did you ever notice that it's a lot easier to get up at 6:00 a.m. to play golf than at 10:00 to mow the lawn? It takes longer to l…
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