Sonny's Funnies
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An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their Golden Wedding Anniversary. "Let's have a big party, Homer," she suggested. "You'll need to kill a pig." The farmer scratched his grizzled head. "Gee, Ethel," he finally answered, "I don't see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago."
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Confession
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A man goes to the confessional and says, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned." "What is your sin, my child?" the Priest asks. "Well," the man starts, "I used the 'F'-word today and I feel so terrible." "Why don't you tell me what happened. What made you use such awful language?" asked the Priest. "Well, I was out golfing and I hit this incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 250 yards, but the ball hit a phone line hanging o…
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When Peters learned that he was being fired, he went to see the head of human resources. "Since I've been with the firm for so long," he said, "I think I deserve at least a letter of recommendation." The human resources director agreed and said he'd have the letter that next day. The following morning, Peters found the letter on his desk. It read, "Jonathan Peters worked for our company for eleven years. When he left us, we were very satisfied."
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Even More Ponderings: Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour? Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life. Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. No one is listening until you make a mistake. The severity of the itch is proportional to inability to the reach it. Two wrongs are only the beginning. The sooner y…
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Definitions
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Definitions: Arbitrator ar'-bi-tray-ter: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's. Avoidable uh-voy'-duh-buhl: What a bullfighter tries to do. Baloney buh-lo'-nee: Where some hemlines fall. Bernadette burn'-a-det: The act of torching a mortgage. Burglarize bur'-gler-ize: What a crook sees with. Control kon-trol': A short, u…
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Yep..More Ponderings: I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions. If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead?" What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men? I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans. Why not modern Latin: VENI, VEDI, VISA - I came, I saw, I shopped. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for? STRESSED spelled backwards is DESSERTS. Strange! No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is winning. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leak…
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1. A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired. 2. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway). 3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. 4. A backward poet writes inverse. 5. In democracy it's your vote that counts; In feudalism it's your count that votes. 6. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off. 7. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion. 8. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed. 9. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress. 10. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat minor. 11. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds. 12. The man who fell int…
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Corporate Lingo: "COMPETITIVE SALARY" We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors. "JOIN OUR FAST-PACED TEAM" We have no time to train you. "CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE" We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings. "MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED" You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day. "SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED" Some time each night and some time each weekend. "DUTIES WILL VARY" Anyone in the office can boss you around. "MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL" We have no quality control. "CAREER-MINDED" Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way). "APPLY IN PERSON" If you're old, f…
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More Ponderings: If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of the same stuff? Why is there an expiration date on sour cream? If most car accidents occur within five miles of home, why doesn't everyone just move 10 miles away? If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes? I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section? She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working? Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack? If a pig loses its vo…
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Ponderings
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Ponderings: If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat? Don`t think that you`re thinking. If you think that you're thinking you only think that you're thinking. When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go? If a train station is where a train stops, what is a workstation? Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not adoor? …
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Seven Little Stories........... 1. Once all villagers decided to pray for rain. On the day of prayer all the people gathered, but only one boy came with an umbrella. ~ That's FAITH 2. When you throw a baby in the air, she laughs because she knows you will catch her. ~ That's TRUST 3. Every night we go to bed without any assurance of being alive the next morning but still we set the alarms to wake up. ~ That's HOPE 4. We plan big things for tomorrow in spite of zero knowledge of the future. ~ That's CONFIDENCE 5. We see the world suffering, but still we get married. ~ That's LOVE 6. On an old man's shirt was written a sentence, 'I am not 60 years old, I am Sweet 16 …
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Things to Think About: I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes. Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement. Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway. There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead. Life is sexually transmitted An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys. If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the fool who said, "Quit while …
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Grandpa and Little Johnny are sitting on a bench in the park. Johnny asked, "Grandpa are you going to take that new Viagra?" Grandpa looks at him and says, "No Johnny, I will not." "But Grandpa, why?" asks little Johnny. Grandpa replies, "Because there is no sense in putting lead in your pencil if you have no one to write to."
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On a train from London to Manchester, an American was telling off the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment. "You English are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. Look at me... in me, I have Italian blood, French blood, a little Indian blood, and some Swedish blood. What do you say to that?" The Englishman said, "Very sporting of your mother."
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List of Best Sellers: House Construction by Bill Jerome Home Yellow River by Iam Ping Lewis Carroll by Alison Wonderland Leo Tolstoy by Warren Peace The L. A. Lakers Breakfast by Kareem O' Wheat Why Cars Stop by M. T. Tank Wind in the Willows by Russell Ingleaves Look Younger by Fay Slift Mounta…
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A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo. When the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. …
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Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement - not even her parent's nasty divorce. Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear, and would be the best-dressed mother-of-the-bride ever! A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new, young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother! Jennifer asked her father's new young wife to exchange it, but she refused. ''Absolutely not! I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing i…
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I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking. My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said, "Nothing." The reason I said "nothing" instead of saying "just thinking" is because she then would have asked, "About what?" At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions. …
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The owner of a small deli was being questioned by an IRS agent about his tax return. He had reported a net profit of $80,000 for the year. "Why don't you people leave me alone?" the deli owner said. "I work like a dog, everyone in my family helps out, the place is only closed three days a year...and you want to know how I made $80,000?" "It's not your income that bothers us," the agent said. "It's these deductions. You listed six trips to Bermuda for you and your wife." "Oh, that," the owner said smiling. "Didn't I mention? We deliver …
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Jeb and Jethro live in the hills, about 5 miles outside of town. Jeb asks Jethro to go in to town to pick up some lumber. Jethro walks the 5 miles to town to the local lumberyard. "Jeb says we're gonna need some 4 x 2's" Jethro tells the yardman. "Do you mean 2 x 4's?" asks the yardman. "Well, I don't rightly know, I better go ask Jeb" says Jethro and walks the 10 miles to the hills and back to town. "Jeb says we're gonna need 2 x 4's" Jethro tells the yardman. "Now, how many 2 x 4's will you need?" asks the ya…
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A veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor. The doctor asked her all the usual questions, about symptoms, how long had they been occurring, etc., when she interrupted him: "Hey look, I'm a vet -- I don't need to ask my patients these kind of questions: I can tell what's wrong just by looking. Why can't you?" The doctor nodded, looked her up and down, wrote out a prescription, and handed it to her and said, "There you are. Of course, if that doesn't work, we'll have to have you put down."
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10 Parenting Laws: 1. The later you stay up, the earlier your child will wake up the next morning. 2. For a child to become clean, something else must become dirty. 3. Toys multiply to fill any space available. 4. The longer it takes you to make a meal, the less your child will like it. 5. Yours is always the only child who doesn't behave. 6. If the shoe fits...it's expensive. 7. The surest way to get something done is to tell a child not to do it. …
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