Sonny's Funnies
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RETIREMENT OPTIONS: You can retire to Phoenix, Arizona where... 1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away from your house because you found shade. 2. You've experienced condensation on your behind from the hot water in the toilet bowl. 3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town. 4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food. 5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door. 6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME?? OR You can retire to California where... 1. You make over $450,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house. 2. The fastes…
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THE ARROGANCE OF OLD AGE: Yesterday morning I bought two six packs of beer on sale at the liquor store. I placed them on the front seat of the car and headed back home I stopped at the service station where a drop-dead gorgeous, almost blonde was filling up her car at the next pump. It was very warm and she was wearing tight shorts, and a light top which was wide open. She glanced at the beer, bent over and knocked on my passenger window. With her bra-less breasts almost falling out of her skimpy top she said, in a sexy voice, "I’m a big believer in barter, old fellow. Would you be interested in trading sex for beer?" I thought for a f…
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You Guessed It! More Ponderings: How come you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead? Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations? You know how most packages say "Open here".What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"? Since Americans throw rice at weddings do orientals throw hamburgers? Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts? Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together? Why do people without out a watch look at their wrist when you ask them what time it is? Why do you ask someone without a…
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More Ponderings: What would we have called the color orange if it wasn't a fruit? After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water? How can there be self-help "groups"? If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi? If a mute swears, does his mother make him wash his hands with soap? If someone has a mid-lif…
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Think About It: I had amnesia once - or twice. Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic. All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy. I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous. If the world was a logical place, men would ride horses sidesaddle. What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free? They told me I was gullible .. and I believed them. Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to edge his car onto a motorway. Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long. Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone. Wh…
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Grandpa and Little Johnny are sitting on a bench in the park. Johnny asked, "Grandpa are you going to take that new Viagra?" Grandpa looks at him and says, "No Johnny, I will not." "But Grandpa, why?" asks little Johnny. Grandpa replies, "Because there is no sense in putting lead in your pencil if you have no one to write to."
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Definitions Male/Female: 1. THINGY (thing-ee) n. a. female...Any part under a car's hood. b. male...The strap fastener on a woman's bra. 2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj. a. female...Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another. b. male...Playing any sport without a "cup." 3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n. a. female...The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.…
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The Artist
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An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in her paintings that were on display. "Well, I have good news and bad news," the owner responded. "The good news is that a gentleman noticed your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. I told him it would and he bought all 10 of your paintings." "That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?" "The gentleman was your doctor."
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Murphy's Laws of Computing 1. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen. 2. When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete. 3. The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it. 4. When the going gets tough, upgrade. 5. For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction. 6. To err is human . . . to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, it is downright natural. 7. He who laughs last probably made a back-up. 8. If at first you do not succeed, blame your computer. 9. A c…
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GREAT MOMENTS IN PANTY HOSE B.C. The nude look is in. 1500 B.C. The Egyptians invent underwear. (The significance of this is largely ignored until Cecil B. De Mille films "The Ten Commandments.") A.D. 1589 William Lee of Nottinghamshire, England, invents the knitting machine. Hosiery can now be produced mechanically rather than by hand. 1876 Silk lingerie is manufactured, replacing wool and cotton underwear. The word "lingerie" is borrowed from the French by Sarah Josepha Hale, editor of Godey's Lady's Book. 1915 Silk lingerie becomes genera…
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One evening, after the honeymoon, Dick was working on his Harley in the garage. His new wife was standing there by the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally said, "Honey, I've just been thinking, now that we're married, maybe it's time you quit spending so much of your time out here in your garage. You probably should consider selling your Harley and all that welding equipment; they take up so much of your time. And that gun collection and fishing gear, they just take up so much space. And you know the boat is such an ongoing expense and you hardly use it. I also think you should lose all stupid model airplanes and your home brewing equipment…
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THE OFFICE: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life. CONFERENCE: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present. CONFERENCE ROOM: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later. LECTURE: An art of transmitting Information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of students without passing through the minds of either BOSS: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early. COMPROMISE: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.
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Sports Quotes: 1. Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the kids to copulate me." 2. New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first.." 3. And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skin's say: "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too." 4. Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treat us like mens. He let us wear earrings.." 5. Football commentator and f…
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10 Parenting Laws: 1. The later you stay up, the earlier your child will wake up the next morning. 2. For a child to become clean, something else must become dirty. 3. Toys multiply to fill any space available. 4. The longer it takes you to make a meal, the less your child will like it. 5. Yours is always the only child who doesn't behave. 6. If the shoe fits...it's expensive. 7. The surest way to get something done is to tell a child not…
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Four married men were golfing. While at the fourth hole, the first man said, "you have no idea what I had to go through to get to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I would paint every room in the house next weekend." The second guy said "That nothing. I had to promise my wife that I would build her a new deck for the pool." The third guy said "Man, you guys have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I would remodel the kitchen for her." …
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NOTE: A totally politically incorrect joke: An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese man, are hired at a Construction site. The foreman points out a huge pile of sand. He says to the Italian guy, 'You're in charge of sweeping.' To the Scotsman he says, 'You're in charge of shoveling.' And to the Chinese guy, 'You're in charge of supplies.' …
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Business one-liners: Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards. Life would be so much easier if we could just look at the source code. Live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so. Logic can never decide what is possible or impossible. Lots of folks confuse bad management with destiny. Love letters, business contracts, and money due you always arrive three weeks late, whereas junk mail arrives the day it was sent. …
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THE SPEEDER
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A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer." the man began, "I can explain,". "Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back..." "But officer, I just wanted to say...." "And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!" A few hours later the officer looked in on his pris…
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The accident report: Dear Sir, I am writing in response to your request for additional information for block number 3 of the accident reporting form. I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident. You said in your letter that I should explain more fully and I trust the following detail will be sufficient. I am an amateur radio operator and on the day of the accident, I was working alone on the top section of my new 80 foot tower. When I had completed my work, I discovered that I had, over the course of several trips up the tower, brought up about 300 pounds of tools and spare hardware. Rather than carry the now un-needed tools and material down by…
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If opportunity came disguised as temptation, one knock would be enough. If people listened to themselves more often, they would talk less. If reproducibility might be a problem, conduct the test only once. If some people didn't tell you, you'd never know they'd been away on vacation. If something is confidential, it will be left in the photocopy machine. If something is done wrong often enough, it becomes right. If 'success' consisted simply of not taking chances, then 'glory' would be at the disposal of the most mediocre talent. If the assumptions are wrong, the conclusions are not likely to be very good. If the code and the commen…
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ADULT TRUTHS: 1. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is. 2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong. 3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger. 4. There is great need for a sarcasm font. 5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet? 6. Was learning cursive really necessary? …
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Toward the end of the Sunday service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?" 80% held up their hands. The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one man, Walter Barnes. "Mr Barnes, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?" "I don't have any," he replied gruffly. "Mr Barnes, that is very unusual. How old are you?" …
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Philosophers Of the Century ... Betsy Salkind... Men are like linoleum floors. Lay 'em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years. Jean Kerr.. The only reason they say 'Women and children first' is to test the strength of the lifeboats. Prince Philip... When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife. Harrison Ford... Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself. Spike Milligan... The best cure for Sea Sickness, is to sit under a tree. Jean Rostand... Kill one man and you're a murderer, kill a million and you're a conqueror Arnold Schwarzenegger... Having more money doesn't make yo…
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A very elderly gentleman walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. He is in his mid nineties, very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel and smelling slightly of a good after shave. He presents a very well looked after image. Seated at the bar is an elderly really classy looking lady, (mid eighties). The sharp old gentleman walks over and sits alongside her. He orders a Manhattan. …
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Silly Dictionary: Arbitrator \ar'-bi-tray-ter\: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's. Avoidable \uh-avoy'-duh-buhl\: What a bullfighter tries to do. Burglarize \bur'-gler-ize\: What a crook sees with. Counterfeiters \kown-ter-fit-ers\: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets. Eclipse \i-klips'\: What an English barber does for a living. Eyedropper \i'-drop-ur\: A clumsy ophthalmologist. Heroes \hee'-rhos\: What a guy in a boat does. Left Bank \left' bangk'\: What the robber did after his bag was full of loot. Misty \miss'-tee\: How golfers create divots. Paradox \par'-of-docks\: Two physicians. Parasite…
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