Sonny's Funnies
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A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to be six again," she replied. On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear, everything there was! Wow! Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie, the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog, popcorn, soda, and M&Ms. What a fabulous adven…
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Ponderings
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Ponderings: The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat drinking beer all day. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries. Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark. As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools. When you're swimming in the creek, and an eel bites your cheek, that's a moray! A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well. It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats. The only cure for ins…
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Think About It: I had amnesia once - or twice. Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic. All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy. I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous. If the world was a logical place, men would ride horses sidesaddle. What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free? They told me I was gullible .. and I believed them. Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to edge his car onto a motorway. Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long. Experience is the thing you have left when everythi…
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I've noticed the strangest thing about men who hang out in bars a lot. It seems they have only one of two reasons to be there: They have no wife to go home to... or they do.
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Definitions Male/Female: 1. THINGY (thing-ee) n. a. female...Any part under a car's hood. b. male...The strap fastener on a woman's bra. 2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj. a. female...Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another. b. male...Playing any sport without a "cup." 3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n. a. female...The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner. b. male...Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the boys. 4. BUTT (but) n. a. female...The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes "look bigger." b. male...What you slap when someone…
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A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car. His father said he'd make a deal with his son, "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car." The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it. After about six weeks his father said, "Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut." The boy said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about tha…
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An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist to fill his prescription for Viagra. "How many do you want?" asked the pharmacist. The man replied, "Just a few, maybe half a dozen. I cut each one into four pieces." Upon hearing that, the pharmacist said, "That's too small a dose. That won't get you through sex." The old fellow said, "Oh, I'm past ninety years old and I don't even think about sex anymore. I just want it to stick out enough so I don't pee on my shoes."
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It was Christmas and the judge was in a benevolent mood as he questioned the prisoner. "What are you charged with?" he asked. "Doing my Christmas shopping early," replied the defendant. "That's no offense," replied the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?" "Before the store opened," countered the prisoner.
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One winter morning, an employee explained why he had shown up for work 50 minutes late: “It was so slippery out that for every step I took ahead, I slipped back two.” The boss eyed him suspiciously, “Oh, yeah? Then how did you ever get here?” “I finally gave up,” he said, “and started for home.”
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If you are from D.C. you'll understand these rules. If you are coming here, you'll learn these rules. If you are just going to visit, give up. Read, enjoy and then destroy them. 1) First, you must learn to call it by its rightful name. It is D.C., or "the District". Only tourists call it Washington. 2) Next, if your road map of Montgomery County in Maryland is more than a few weeks old, throw it out and buy a new one. It's obsolete. If in Loudoun or Fairfax County, Virginia and your map is one day old, it's already obsolete. 3) There is no such thing as a dangerous high-speed chase in D.C. It's just another chase, usually on the BW (Baltimore-Wash…
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Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee. Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner. Law of probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act. Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal. Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire. Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the…
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At a travel agency in Shanghai, I asked the Chinese girl behind the counter if she could escort me on a city tour and asked her for her mobile number so I could call her to make arrangements. She gave me a big smile, nodded her head and said, "For sex sex, wan free sex, for tonigh free." I replied, "Wow, you Chinese women are really hospitable!" A guy standing next to me overheard, tapped me on the shoulder and said, "Don't get excited. What she said was: 466 136 4293!"
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At a nursing home a group of seniors were sitting around talking about all their ailments. "My arms have gotten so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one. "Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee." "I couldn't even mark an 'X' at election time, my hands are so crippled,"volunteered a third. "What? Speak up! What? I can't hear you! said a fourth. "I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a fifth, to which several nodded weakly in agreement. "My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy I can hardly walk!" exclaimed another. "I forget where I am, and where I'm going," said an elderly gent. "I guess tha…
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Two Friends
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Two old friends crossed paths after not seeing one another for almost a decade. Utkarsh: "What are you doing these days?" Sparsh: "PHD." Utkarsh: "Wow! You're a doctor!" Sparsh: "No, Pizza Home Delivery."
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The New Alphabet A is for Apple, and B is for Boat, That used to be right, But now it won't float! Age before Beauty is what we once said, But let's be a bit more realistic instead. Now... A's for arthritis; B's the bad back, C is the chest pains, perhaps car-d-iac? D is for dental decay and decline, E is for eyesight, can't read that top line! F is for fissures and fluid retention, G is for gas which I'd rather not mention. H is high blood pressure--I'd rather it low; I for incisions with scars you can show. J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend, K is for knees that crack when they bend. L for libido, what hap…
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The Black Bra (as told by a woman): I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years. We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door Wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.. Here's how it all went. My engaged friend: The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long. The mistress:…
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The Robber
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The judge frowned at the tired robber and said, “then you admit breaking into the same store on three successive nights?” ”Yes, your honor.” “And why was that?” said the judge “Because my wife wanted a dress.” “But why three nights in a row!” "She made me exchange it two times.”
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A musical director was having a lot of trouble with one drummer. He talked and talked and talked with the drummer, but his performance simply didn't improve. Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said, "When a musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't improve when given help, they take away the instrument, and give him two sticks, and make him a drummer." A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section: "And if he can't handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor."
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Two potatoes were standing on the corner, how do you know which one was the prostitute ? The one with label that says IDAHO
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Ironic Gift
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A man asked an American Indian what was his wife's name. He replied, "She is called Five Horses". The man said, "That's an unusual name for a wife. What does it mean?" The Old Indian answered, "It is an old Indian name. It means ...." "NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG
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Once upon a time, allegedly, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By surprising coincidence both were blind from birth. One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit. 'Oh, my,' said the bunny, 'I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am.' 'It's quite OK,' replied the snake. 'Actually, my story is much the same as yours. I, too, have be…
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While shopping for vacation clothes, a husband and wife passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since she had even considered buying a bathing suit, so sought her husband's advice. "What do you think?" she asked. "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?" "Better get a bikini," he replied. "You'd never get it all in one."
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One Liners
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If ignorance is bliss, most of us must be orgasmic. If it can be borrowed and it can be broken, you will borrow it and you will break it. If it doesn't make sense, it's either economics or psychology. If it doesn't work, expand it. If it happens, it must be possible. If it is good, they will stop making it. If it is incomprehensible, it's mathematics. If it is worth doing, it is worth doing for money. If it is worth doing, it is worth over-doing. If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway. If it looks too good to be true, it is too good to be true. If it says "one size…
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