Sonny's Funnies
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This is an actual job application that a 75-year old senior citizen submitted to Wal-Mart in Arkansas. They hired him too, because he was so honest and funny. NAME: George Martin SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least, one who'll cooperate). DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place. DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz-style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle. EDUCATION: Yes. LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle man…
Last reply by Sonny, -
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A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, "I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today." The bartender says "Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me." As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, "I would like to buy you a drink too." The old woman says, Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water." "Coming up," says the bartender. As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says,"I would like to buy you one too." The old woman says, "Thank you." "Bartender, I want another Scotch w…
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Last Rites
by Sonny- 0 replies
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A Catholic man is struck by a bus on a busy street. He is lying near death on the sidewalk as a crowd gathers. "A priest. Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasps. Minutes drag on and no one steps out of the crowd. A policeman checks the crowd and finally yells, "A PRIEST, PLEASE! Isn't there a priest in this crowd to give this man his last rites?" Finally, out of the crowd steps a little old Jewish man of at least 80 years of age. "Mr. Policeman," says the man, "I'm not a priest. I'm not even a Christian. But for 50 years now I'm living behind the Catholic Church on First Avenue, and every night I'm overhearing their services. I can recall a lot o…
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Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year ah'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earline got pregnant. Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earline got pregnant again. Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earline didn't get pregnant again." Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?" Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earline with me."
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There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is "UP." It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP? At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report? We call UP our friends. And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car. At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP …
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The Sneeze
by Sonny- 0 replies
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A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds. The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more. Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking ever more than before. Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't hel…
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A man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses are gorgeous. A particularly voluptuous waitress, wearing a very short skirt and legs that won't quit, came to his table and asked if he was ready to order: "What would you like, sir?" He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, then answers: "A quickie." The waitress turns and walks away in disgust. After she regains her composure she returns and asks again, "What would you like, sir?" Again the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers: "A quickie, please." This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding "SMACK!" and st…
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My forgetter's getting better, But my rememberer is broke To you that may seem funny But, to me, that is no joke For when I'm "here" I'm wondering If I really should be "there" And, when I try to think it through, I haven't got a prayer! Oft times I walk into a room, Say "what am I here for?" I wrack my brain, but all in vain! A zero, is my score. At times I put something away Where it is safe, but, Gee! The person it is safest from Is, generally, me! When shopping I may see someone, Say! "Hi" and have a chat, Then, when the person walks away I ask myself, "who was that?" Yes, my forgetter's getting better While my rememberer is broke, And …
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Bubba and Earl, mechanical engineers, were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A blonde woman walked by and asked what they were doing. "We're suppose to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder." The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement, announced "eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away. Earl shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a dumb blonde? We asked for the height, and she gives us the length!"
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A Pastor went to his church office on Monday morning and discovered a dead mule in the church yard. He telephoned the police. Since there did not appear to be any foul play, the police referred the Pastor to the Health Department.They explained, "Since there was no health threat, you'll need to call the Sanitation Department." When the pastor called the Sanitation Department, the Manager of the Sanitation Department said, "I can't pick up that dead mule without authorization from the mayor. The Pastor was not at all too eager to call the mayor, who possessed a very bad temper and was always extremely unpleasant and hard to deal with, but, eventually, the P…
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A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked, "Is my time up?" God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months & 8 days to live." Upon recovery the woman decided to stay in the hospital to have a facelift, liposuction, and tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change the color of her hair. Since she had so much more time to live she figured she might as well make the most of it. After her last operation she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home she was killed by an ambulance. Arriving in front of …
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A minister was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Texas. After the plane took off, the cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink. Appalled, the minister replied, "I'd rather be tied up and taken advantage of by a woman of ill-repute, than let liquor touch my lips." The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice".
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Blonde Joke
by Sonny- 0 replies
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She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the porch" he said. "How much will you charge me?" Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?" The man agreed and told her that the paint, brushes and everything she would need were in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?" "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" he responded. The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes." A few hours later the blon…
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In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen. The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin. Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as…
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Misc Jokes
by Sonny- 0 replies
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LIFE AFTER DEATH: "DO YOU BELIEVE IN LIFE AFTER DEATH?" THE BOSS ASKED ONE OF HIS EMPLOYEES. "YES, OF COURSE SIR," THE NEW EMPLOYEE REPLIED. "WELL, THEN, THAT MAKES EVERYTHING JUST FINE," THE BOSS WENT ON. "AFTER YOU LEFT EARLY YESTERDAY TO GO TO YOUR GRANDMOTHER'S FUNERAL, SHE STOPPED IN TO SEE YOU!" PALM SUNDAY: IT WAS PALM SUNDAY AND, BECAUSE OF A SORE THROAT, FIVE-YEAR-OLD JOHNNY STAYED HOME FROM CHURCH WITH A SITTER. WHEN THE FAMILY RETURNED HOME, THEY WERE CARRYING SEVERAL PALM BRANCHES. THE BOY ASKED WHAT THEY WERE FOR. "PEOPLE HELD THEM OVER JESUS' HEAD AS HE WALKED BY." "WOULDN'T YOU KNOW IT," THE BOY FUMED, "THE ONE SUNDAY I DON'T GO, HE SHOWS UP!" …
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WHY MEN AREN'T SECRETARIES: Husband's note on refrigerator for wife: Someone from the Gyna Colleges called. They said the Pabst beer is normal. " I didn't know you liked beer "
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Men are NOT mind readers. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down. Saturday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it in that way. Crying is blackmail. Ask for what you want let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it! Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's …
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The New Alphabet A is for Apple, and B is for Boat, That used to be right, But now it won't float! Age before Beauty is what we once said, But let's be a bit more realistic instead. Now... A's for arthritis; B's the bad back, C is the chest pains, perhaps car-d-iac? D is for dental decay and decline, E is for eyesight, can't read that top line! F is for fissures and fluid retention, G is for gas which I'd rather not mention. H is high blood pressure--I'd rather it low; I for incisions with scars you can show. J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend, K is for knees that crack when they bend. L for libido, what happened to sex? M i…
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Three vampires walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them suspiciously, but decides to serve them anyway. "What’ll it be, boys?" The first vampire says "Blood. Give me blood." The second vampire says "I too wish for blood!" The third vampire says "Give me plasma." The Bartender smiles and says "Got it. Two bloods, and a blood-light."
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Jeb and Jethro live in the hills, about 5 miles outside of town. Jeb asks Jethro to go in to town to pick up some lumber. Jethro walks the 5 miles to town to the local lumberyard. "Jeb says we're gonna need some 4 x 2's" Jethro tells the yardman. "Do you mean 2 x 4's?" asks the yardman. "Well, I don't rightly know, I better go ask Jeb" says Jethro and walks the 10 miles to the hills and back to town. "Jeb says we're gonna need 2 x 4's" Jethro tells the yardman. "Now, how many 2 x 4's will you need?" asks the yardman. "Well, I don't rightly know, I better go ask Jeb." says Jethro, and again walks the 10 miles to the hills and back to town. "Jeb says…
Last reply by Sonny, -
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Have you ever wondered Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin? Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed? Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"? Why is "abbreviated" such a long word? Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"? Why is it that to stop Windows, you have to click on "Start"? Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons? Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour? Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food? When dog food is new and improve…
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His pediatrician asked six-year-old Johnny, who watched a good many TV ads "Johnny, if you found a couple of dollars and had to spend them, what would you buy?†“A box of Tampax,†he replied without hesitation. “Tampax?†said the doctor. “What would you do with that?†“Well,†said Johnny, “I do not know exactly, but it’s sure worth two dollars. With Tampax, it says on TV, you can go swimming, go horseback riding, and also go skating, any time you want to.â€
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Cowboys and Chili A cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in Medicine Bow, Wyoming ... He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly at a full bowl of chili. After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young Cowboy bravely asks the old cowpoke, "If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?" The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, "Nah, you go ahead." Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili. The sight…
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A neurotic is the person who builds a castle in the air. A psychotic is the person who lives in it. And a psychiatrist is the person who collects the rent.
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This is what marriage is really all about: He ordered one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. The old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them kept looking over and whispering. You could tell they were thinking, 'That poor old couple, all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.' As …
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