Sonny's Funnies
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One day my mother was out, and my dad was in charge of me. I was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my mom came home. My dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' Mom waited, and sure enough, here I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy; and she watched him drink it up. Then she said, (as only a mother would know), "'Did …
Last reply by Sonny, -
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Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, 'How old was your husband?' '98,' she replied. 'Two years older than me.' 'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented. ! She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?' Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: 'And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?' the reporter asked. She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.' Three old guys are out walking. First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?' Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!' Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fo…
Last reply by gizzard, -
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A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had a few too many beers and then topped it off with a couple of margaritas, with some gin for a chaser. Not a good idea. Well over the limit, I did something I've never done before: I left the car there and took a bus home! Sure enough, just down from the pub, I passed a Random Breath Test police ambush, but because I was in a bus, it was waved past. I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise. Because I have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got it.
Last reply by Sonny, -
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Why You Don't Put Lights on A Palm Tree At Christmas
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Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front. Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke. Only in America......do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
Last reply by Sonny, -
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A man came into a lawn ornament shop to get holiday decorations for his yard. He went up to the counter and said to the owner, "Give me four of those elves, two of the big reindeer, two of the small reindeer, and one of those bent-over, fat Mrs. Santas with the ridiculous bloomers." The shop owner said, "That'll be eighty dollars for the elves, fifty dollars for the big reindeer, twenty dollars for the small reindeer, and..." "a big apology for my wife!"
Last reply by Sonny, -
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A young woman visits her parents and brings her fiancé to meet them. After an elaborate dinner, the mother tells her husband to find out about the young man. The father invites the fiancée to his library for a drink. “So what are your plans?†The father asks the young man. “I am a Torah scholar.†He says. “A Torah scholar, Hmmm,†the father says. “Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she is accustomed to?†“I will study,†the young man said, and God will provide for us.†“And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?†asks the father. “I will concentrate on …
Last reply by Sonny, -
A mugging took place last night down the local park A snail was mugged by a tortoise. The police said "Can you give us a description of your attacker? The snail said, "no, it all happened so fast!
Last reply by Sonny, -
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Two boy scouts went on a nature hike in the hills picking hickory nuts. Along the way, they filled their small pails and then started to fill their pockets and shirts. When they could hold no more nuts, they started down the country road until they came across a cemetery. The boys decided that would be a good place to stop and rest and divide out the nuts. The two boys sat in the shade of a large oak tree and unloaded their pockets and buckets by dumping all of the nuts in a large pile. In the process, two of them rolled away and rested near the road. The boys then proceeded to divide out the nuts. "One for you. One for me. One for you. One for me." As they…
Last reply by Sonny, -
Oh, Frosty!
by Sonny- 0 replies
- 736 views
Oh, Frosty
Last reply by Sonny, -
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One winter morning a husband and wife in Denver were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snow plows can get through." So the good wife went out and moved her car. A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snow plows can get through." The good wife went out and moved her car again. The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer s…
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As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load." The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red l…
Last reply by Sonny, -
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A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink. They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female "lets swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore.…
Last reply by Sonny, -
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A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die." "Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your hus…
Last reply by Sonny, -
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Just might want to get one of these.
Last reply by Fräulein, -
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1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers. 2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out? You shut the door. 3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there. 4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone. 5. Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway. 6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart. 7. Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable. 8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types. 9. Best way to get a man to do something…
Last reply by Sonny, -
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The Hokey Pokey Original Lyrics Put your left foot in, Your left foot out, Your left foot in, And shake it all about. You do the hokey pokey And turn yourself around That's what it's all about. The Hokey Pokey Shakespearean Style O proud left foot, that ventures quick within Then soon upon a backward journey lithe. Anon, once more the gesture, then begin: Command sinistral pedestal to writhe. Commence thou then the fervid Hokey-Poke. A mad gyration, hips in wanton swirl. To spin! A wilde release from heaven's yoke. Blessed dervish! Surely canst go, girl. The Hoke, the poke …
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House Construction by Bill Jerome Home Yellow River by Iam Ping Lewis Carroll by Alison Wonderland Leo Tolstoy by Warren Peace The L. A. Lakers Breakfast by Kareem O' Wheat Why Cars Stop by M. T. Tank Wind in the Willows by Russell Ingleaves Look Younger by Fay Slift Mountain Climbing by Andover Hand It's Springtime! by Theresa Green No! by Kurt Reply And Shut Up! by Sid Downe 40 Yards to the Latrine by Willy Makeit and Betty Wont Glass Bikini by Seymore Skynn The French Chef by Sue Flay Tight Situation by Leah Tard Unemployed by Anita Job Off to Market by Tobias A. Pigg I Lived in Detroi…
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Bit of Fun
by Sonny- 0 replies
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1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit? Unique Up On It. 2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit? Tame Way, Unique Up On It. 3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest? They Take The Psycho Path. 4. How Do You Get Holy Water? You Boil The Hell Out Of It. 5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall? Dam! 6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long? Polaroid's. 7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work? A Stick. 8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours? Nacho Cheese. 9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers? Subordinate Clauses. 10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand? Quattro Sinko. 11. What Do You Get Fr…
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A couple is arguing about who should make the coffee in the morning. The wife says, “I think your should do it because you get up first.†He counters with, “The kitchen is your domain, and you do all the cooking so you know where everything is. I think you should make the coffee.†“No way,†she says. “You should do it. The Bible even says so.†“What the heck are you talking about?†She grabs the family Bible, thumbs through, and point to the appropriate section: “Hebrewsâ€
Last reply by Sonny, -
Good Advice
by Sonny- 0 replies
- 678 views
A guy went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. You gotta help me, I'm going crazy!" "Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the shrink. Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears." "How much do you charge?" The shrink said, "a hundred dollars per visit." "I'll sleep on it," said Bob. Six months later the doctor met Bob on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist. "For a hundred bucks a visit? Not me. I told my story to a bartender and he cured me after 3 beers. "Is that so ! How?" "He told me…
Last reply by Sonny, -
Dear Tide: I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse! I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives wh…
Last reply by Sonny, -
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This will warm your heart, just when you have lost faith in human kindness. A teacher at Middle School in Safety Harbor, Florida forwarded the following letter. The letter was sent to the principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. An old lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize and was writing to say thank you. Dear Safety Harbor Middle School: God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Safety Harbor Assisted Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away. I Am all alone now and…
Last reply by Sonny, -
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My wife and I walked past a swanky, very expensive new restaurant last night. ''Did you smell that food? It smelled incredible,'' she said. Being a nice fellow, and wanting to make my wife happy, I thought: ''What the heck, I'll treat her!'' So we walked past the restaurant again.
Last reply by Sonny, -
New Viruses
by Sonny- 0 replies
- 686 views
Watch for these new viruses .. Neither Norton, McAfee, nor any other A/V has solutions as of yet! The George Bush Virus - Causes your computer to keep looking for viruses of mass destruction. The John Kerry Virus - Reverses every position in your computer each time you turn it on. The Clinton Virus - Gives you a permanent Hard Drive with NO memory. The Al Gore Virus - Causes your computer to just keep counting and re-counting. The Bob Dole (a.k.a. Viagra) Virus - Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy. The Lewinsky Virus - Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then e-mails everyone about what it did. The Michael Jackson Virus - Attacks onl…
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