Sonny's Funnies
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The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?" Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?" "Yes," whispered the small voice. "May I talk with him?" the man asked. To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No." Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?" "Yes", came the answer. "May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, "No". Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would b…
Last reply by Sonny, -
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This guy was pulled over for running a stop sign. When the cop checked the man's driver's license, he said, "You're wearing glasses on your ID and you're not now. I'm going to have to give you a ticket." The guy said, "Officer, I have contacts." The cop said, "Look, buddy, I don't care who you know, ... I'm giving you a ticket."
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A lady walks into the drugstore and asks the pharmacist for some arsenic. "Ma'am, what do you want with arsenic?" "To kill my husband." "I can't sell you arsenic to kill a person!" The lady lays down a photo of a man and a woman in a compromising position. The man is her husband and the woman is the pharmacist's wife. He takes the photo, and nods. "I didn't realize you had a prescription!"
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Through the pitch-black night, the captain sees a light dead ahead on a collision course with his ship. He sends a signal: “Change your course 10 degree east.†The light signals back: “Change yours, 10 degrees west.†Angry, the captain sends: “I’m a navy captain! Change your course, sir!†“I’m a seaman, second class,†comes the reply. “Change your course, sir.†Now the captain is furious. “I’m a battleship! I’m not changing course!†here is one last reply. “I’m a lighthouse. Your call.
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One day, a grandpa and his grandson go golfing. The young one is really good and the old one is just giving him tips. They are on hole 8 and there is a tree in the way and the grandpa says, "When I was your age, I would hit the ball right over that tree." So, the grandson hits the ball and it bumps against the tree and lands not to far from where it started. "Of course," added the grandpa, "when I was your age, the tree was only 3 feet tall."
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After landing my new job as the greeter of a department store, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day. Here’s what happened... About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, decidedly unattractive, woman walked into the store along with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. As I had been instructed, I said, pleasantly, "Good morning and welcome to Walmart." I then said, "Nice children you have there. Are they twins?" The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Don't be a damn idiot. Of course they aren't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one' s 7. Why the hell would you think they're …
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Martin had just received his brand new driver's license. The family troops out to the driveway, and climbs in the car, where he is going to take them for a ride for the first time. Dad immediately heads for the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver. "I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," says the beaming boy to his father. "Nope," comes dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to me all these years."
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Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, †Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?" "Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques: visualization, association, etc. It was great." "That's great! And what was the name of the clinic?" Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?" "You mean a rose?" "Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife, "Rose, what was the name of that memory clinic?"
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THESE ARE ACTUAL COMPLAINTS RECEIVED BY THOMAS COOK VACATIONS FROM DISSATISFIED CUSTOMERS : 1. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts." 2. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallarta to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time -- this should be banned." 3. "On my holiday to Goa in India , I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food." 4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it w…
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I've received many remarkable nature photographs over the years but this photo of a nesting Falcon is perhaps the most remarkable Nature shot that I've ever seen. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did. Nature is truly breath-taking! A FALCON NESTING IN A TREE
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The Navy chief notices a new seaman and barks at him, ''Get over here! What's your name sailor?'' ''John,'' the new seaman replies. The chief scowls: ''Look, I don't know what kind of bleeding-heart crap they're teaching sailors in boot camp nowadays, but I don't call anyone by his first name. ''It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my sailors by their last names only; Smith, Jones, Baker, whatever. And you are to refer to me as 'Chief.' Do I make myself clear?'' ''Aye aye, Chief!'' ''Now that we've got that straight, what's your last name?'' The seaman sighs. ''Darling, my name is John Darling, Chief.'' ''OK, John, he…
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An old woman goes to answer a knock at the door one evening to find two police officers standing there. ''Madam, are you married?'' one officer asks. ''Why yes,'' the old lady replies, ''for 48 years.'' ''Do you have a photograph of your husband?'' the second officer asks. The old lady pulls a picture out of her purse and hands it to the officers. They look it over and hand it back to her. ''Madam, he's going to be OK but, I'm sorry, it looks like your husband has been hit by a truck.'' The lady says: ''I know, sir, but he's got a wonderful personality and has always been very kind to me and the children.''
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"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees. "Yes, sir," the clerk replied. "That's good," the boss said. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you."
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A guy walking down a street one afternoon passes an old man sitting on the side of the road with a large sack. The younger guy says to the old man, "Watcha got in the sack?" The old man responds, "I got some monkeys in that there sack." The younger man asks, "If I guess how many monkeys you got in the sack, can I keep one?" The old man replies, "Son, if you guess how many monkeys I got in this sack, I'll give you both of 'em!"
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Blind Date
by Sonny- 0 replies
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An 85-year-old widow went on a blind date with a 90-year-old man. When she returned to her daughter's house later that night, she seemed upset. "What happened, Mother?" the daughter asked. "I had to slap his face three times!" "You mean he got fresh?" "No," she answered. "I thought he was dead!"
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Senior Sex
by Sonny- 3 replies
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The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you." Yes, she says, "I remember it well." OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?" "Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!" A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no tro…
Last reply by SEFEGeorge, -
A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife: "Dear Husband, I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?" The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replied in a letter: "Dear Wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money." A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife: "Dear Husband, You wouldn't believe what happened, some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up all the back garden." The prisoner wrote another letter back: "Dear wife, Now is the best time to plant the lettuce.
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A man walks into the psychiatrist’s office with a zucchini up his nose, a cucumber in his left ear, and a breadstick in his right ear. He says, “What is wrong with me? The psychiatrist replies, “You are not eating properly.â€
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An elderly couple is beginning to notice that neither of them seem to be able to remember things as well as they used to. So, they go to see their doctor, who explains that there is nothing really wrong with, just typical memory loss associated with old age. He suggests that they each get notebooks and write notes to themselves to help remember things. The couple goes home and that evening while watching T.V. the man gets up and heads for the kitchen. His wife asks if he can bring her some ice cream when he returns. He says he will, and she says he should write it down. "I’m just going to the kitchen, I'll remember." "Well, I want that with nuts, too." "O.K. he s…
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There was a man sitting at a bar, and he looks over at the gentleman sitting next to him and says, "Hey, you look familiar. Are you from around here?" The man answers, "Yeah, I live down the street." "No kidding?" says the first man, "Well, so do I. And hey, you look about my age. Where did you go to high school?" "Oh I went to Francis Lewis over on Utopia. Graduated in '66. How 'bout you?" "Get out. I went to Francis Lewis. And I graduated in '66, too." "Where'd you go to college?" "Beloit, in Wisconsin." "No way! I went to Beloit too. What dorm?" "Kevin Sullivan dorm." "Sullivan? You're not going to believe this . . ." Joe the bartender wal…
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A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. "Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work for me?" "Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button. "Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO. As his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy..."
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Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. As they lay down for the night, Holmes said: â€Watson, look up into the sky and tell me what you see?" Watson said, "I see millions and millions of stars." Holmes: "And what does that tell you?" Watson: "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorogically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?" Holmes: "Somebody stole our tent."
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A little boy went to his teacher to tell her he found a frog. The teacher asked if it was alive or dead. The little boy said that it was dead. The teacher asked how he knew. The boy said , "I pissed in its ear." The teacher said, "You what?" He said, "You know, I went to his ear and said, 'psst!' and it didn't move. So it must be dead."
Last reply by Sonny, -
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1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi. 2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian . 3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still. 4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption. 5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery. 6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering. 7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart. 8. Two silk worms had a race. The…
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The Cruise
by Sonny- 0 replies
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An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the storm, when a wave came up and washed the old man overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find him, so the captain sent the old woman back to shore with the promise that he would notify her as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old woman got a fax from the boat. It read: 'Ma'am, sorry to inform you, we found your husband dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled him up to the deck and attached to his rear end was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 Please advise.' The old woman faxed back: 'Send me the pearl …
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