Sonny's Funnies
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Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself,"Lillian, you should have remained a virgin." - Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter) I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - "No good in a bed, but fine against a wall." - Eleanor Roosevelt Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.. - Mark Twain The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible - George Burns Santa Claus has the rig…
Last reply by Sonny, -
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Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up. Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, "Oh, me boys, someone got's to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?" They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse . "Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me." Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy a…
Last reply by Sonny, -
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While living in Denver the weatherman said, expect 10 to 12 inches of snow tonight so park on the right side of the road so we can plow the left side. Willie’s wife ran out and parked on the right side. The next week the forecast called for another 10 to 12 inches of snow, but this time he said park on the left side. So Willie’s wife ran out and parked the car on the left side of the road. The following week he said 16 inches of snow expected park, the lights went out and all our power was lost. Willie’s wife said, my goodness, now I don’t know where to park the car. Willie said: “Why don’t you just leave it in the garage!â€
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An engineer, a mathematician, and a physicist were standing around the university flagpole, when an English professor wandered by. “What are you doing?†he asked. “We need to know the height of the flagpole,†said one, “and we’re discussing the formulas we might use to calculate it. †“Watch!†said the English professor. He pulled the pole from its fitting, laid it on the grass, borrowed a tape measure and said, “Exactly 24 feet.†Then he replaced the pole and walked away. “English professor!†sneer the mathematician, “We ask him for the height, and he gives us the length.â€
Last reply by Sonny, -
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A mother mouse and her three children crept out of their hole into the kitchen and began feasting on some delicious bits of food. Suddenly, out of the corner of her eye, Mother Mouse saw a cat slinking toward them. The cat was between the mice and their hole. The mother muse puffed up her lungs and went, “Woof! Woof!†The cat turned tail and ran. With that, the mother quickly led her children back to safety in their hole. When they were settle and breathing normally, Mother Mouse said to her children. “Now, what’s the lesson from that experience?†“We don’t know,†the baby mice squeaked. “It is this,†said Mother Mouse. “It’s always good to kno…
Last reply by Sonny, -
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There was a little old lady who was nearly blind. She had three sons and they wanted to prove which one was the best son to her. So son #1 bought her a 15-room mansion thinking this would surely be the best any of them could offer her. Son #2 bought her a beautiful Mercedes with a chauffeur included thinking he would surely win her approval. Son #3 had to do something even better than these so he bought her a trained parrot. This parrot had been trained for 15 years to memorize the entire Bible. You could mention any verse in the Bible and the parrot could quote it word for word. How useful his nearly blind mother would find that! Well, the old lady went to the fi…
Last reply by Mt.crewchief, -
When Mozart passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noises coming from the area where Mozart was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate. When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Mozart's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards." He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, …
Last reply by Sonny, -
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An old Italian Mafia Don is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside. " Guido, I wanna you lissina me. I wanna you to take-a my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me." "But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?" "You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna DA business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos " "Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man.. ??"Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'Time's Up'?
Last reply by Sonny, -
Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The second engineer nodded approvingly. "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you.
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Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him…
Last reply by Sonny, -
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Last December, Mark's grandmother was giving him directions to her apartment. "You come to the front door of the apartment complex. There is a big panel at the door. With your elbow push button 14T." She continued, "I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow hit 14. I am on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell." "Grandma, that sounds easy," replied the grandson, "but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow"? To which she answered... "You're coming empty handed?"
Last reply by Sonny, -
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Three leaders of the big beer companies meet for a drink. The president of Budweiser orders a Bud. Miller's president orders a Millers and the president of Coors orders a Coors. When it is Guinness turn to order he orders a soda. Why didn't you order a Guinness everyone asks? Nah Guinness replies. If you guys aren't having a beer neither will I.
Last reply by Sonny, -
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These classifieds actually ran in newspapers - a smile for your day FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER 8-years old. Hateful little b@st@rd. Bites! FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog. FREE PUPPIES.. Mother, AKC German Shepherd. Father, Super Dog...able to leap tall fences in a single bound. FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG. Looks like a rat. Been out a while. Better be a big reward. COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED. Also 1 gay bull for sale. NORDIC TRACK $300 Hardly used, call Chubby. GEORGIA PEACHES California grown - 89 cents/lb. JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer $300. WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE . Worn once by mistake. Call Ste…
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A couple is in bed sleeping when there's a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. The husband rolls over and looks at the clock, and it's half past 3 in the morning.†I’m not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. So he drags himself out of bed, goes downstairs, opens the door, and there's a man standing there. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk. "Hi there," slurs the stranger, "Can you give me a push?" "No, get lost. It's half past three and I was in bed," says the man as he slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tell his wife what happened and she says, "That wasn't very nice of you. Rememb…
Last reply by Sonny, -
Two Statues
by Sonny- 0 replies
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There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life. The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.' He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery. The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing. The angel…
Last reply by Sonny, -
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The following came from an anonymous Mother in Austin, Texas... Things I've learned from my Boys (honest and not kidding): 1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep. 2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite. 3.) A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant. 4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four…
Last reply by tinwhistle, -
Two Drunks
by Sonny- 0 replies
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Two drunks are driving down the highway, drinking their beer. All of a sudden the driver notices lights flashing in his mirror; the cops are on his tail. His buddy says, "What are we going to do?" The driver says, "Don't worry, Just do exactly what I tell you and everything will work out perfectly. First, peel the labels off our beer bottles and we'll each stick one on our forehead. Then shove the bottles underneath the seat, and let me do the talking." They pull over and the cop walks up to the car. He looks at them kind of funny, but asks to see the guy's driver's license. And he asks him, "Have you been drinking?" "Oh, no, sir," the driver replies. "I n…
Last reply by Sonny, -
Dear Dad, $chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can`t think of anything I need. $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you. Love, Your $on The Reply: Dear Son, I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh. Love, Dad.
Last reply by Jeffysan, -
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One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw a fellow tumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys in five different cars before he found his. Then he sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone else left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied , "Well to night I'm the des…
Last reply by bbsoto, -
Baby Names
by Sonny- 1 reply
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One day, Mr. Phillard rushed his pregnant wife over to the hospital. As the doctors were prepping his wife, Mr. Phillard's idiot brother Bill arrived to watch the birth. But when Mr. Phillard saw the blood and everything else, he fainted. When Mr. Phillard woke up he was in a bed with the doctor standing above him. "Mr. Phillard," the doctor said, "you are in the recovery room. Don't worry, your wife is fine and she had twins, a boy and a girl. Because you were unconscious and your wife was still under anesthesia, she requested that your brother Bill name the kids." "What! My brother, the idiot! I can't believe you let him! What did he name them?" "He named your …
Last reply by Railrunner130, -
For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided to him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money so she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby is born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin. One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused w…
Last reply by Sonny, -
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>He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices >I admire." >-- Winston Churchill > >"A modest little person, with much to be modest about." >-- Winston Churchill > >"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries >with great pleasure." >-- Clarence Darrow > >"He has never been known to use a word that might send a >reader to the dictionary." >-- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway) > >"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?" >-- Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner) > >"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste >no time…
Last reply by Sonny, -
WHY ? Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak? Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough? Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, But check when you say the paint is wet? Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle? Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him? Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets? If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes? Why is it that no matter what colour bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white? Is there ev…
Last reply by Sonny, -
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A collection of some of the best "Out Of Office" automatic responses. 1. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood. 2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all. 3. Sorry to have missed you but I am at the doctors having my brain removed so that I may be promoted to management. 4. I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation on 4/18. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received. 5. Thank you for y…
Last reply by Sonny, -
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Going wireless? After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year outside of New York City , New York scientists found traces of copper cable dating back 100 years. They came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago. Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, a Los Angeles ,California archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet somewhere just outside Oceanside. Shortly after, a story in the LA Times read: " California archaeologists report a finding of 200 year old copper cable, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech…
Last reply by Sonny,