Sonny's Funnies
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A man owned a bird dog that was whispered around to be the very best. But the owner never took anybody hunting with him. His preacher finally got a chance to go along. Dog owner shot a bird, which fell in the edge of the water on the other side of the lake. Without being encouraged, the dog tiptoed across the lake, literally walking on the water. Owner said, “Preacher, now you see why I always go hunting alone. I was embarrassed, that’s why. I never could teach this dumb dog to swim.†* * *
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It was during the Great Depression and the family didn’t have money to buy lumber for the new facility. The head of the household saw a want ad which said somebody had ten old doors and they would be given to anyone who would haul the doors away. Outhouse-needing man rushed over in his wagon and got them. He used the large doors for the sides of his privy. The master john he built was three doors wide in the front and back and two doors wide on the sides. Since the finished job was rustic the builder didn’t bother to remove the door knobs and locks from the doors. They say there is no describing the frustration, nervousness, and sheer panic of anyone who m…
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Some people are ashamed of their past. Others write best sellers. * * * * Do you ever feel like Brand X.? * * * * There is no rest for the wicked – and their neighbors don’t get much rest either. * * * * A person who talks to himself has the satisfaction of knowing that his audience is all ears. * * * * Ulcers are the result of mountain-climbing over molehills. * * * * When the moon is full the gas tank is most often empty. * * * * Inflation isn’t entirely bad – at least it sells balloons. * * * * The trouble is, most of us spend half our lives trying to live it up, and the other half trying to live it down. * * * * “Easy come easy go,†d…
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The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win. Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away. KABOOM! He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney. KA-BLOOEY! Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph. BULLS-EYE! …
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To a woman the perfect husband is one who thinks he has a perfect wife. * * * * Classified ad: “Cat wanted for light mouse-work. * * * * If Hawaii wins statehood ahead of Alaska, it will doubtless be because her citizens know how to get a wiggle on. March 1, 1954. * * * * We know a fellow who became so excited reading about cigarettes and lung cancer – he swore off reading. * * * * Give some people an inch and they want to become a ruler. * * * * A man will sometimes devote his whole life to developing one part of his body – the wishbone. * * * * A lot of politicians think the middle of the road is where they won’t run into anything. * * * * Some p…
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Many a man who has loved his wife when her hair was brown, red, black and blonde will continue to love her when it is gray. * * * * It’s all right to drink like a fish, provided you drink what a fish does. * * * * Many an accident happens to a man when his wife falls asleep in the back seat. * * * * Any wife is content to take a back seat to her husband so long as she can do the driving. * * * * An expert is one who can complicate simplicity. * * * * A perfect example of minority rule is a baby in the house. * * * * She saw the price and then, of course, she simply had to have it. * * * * Every railroad train has two ends and the dining car is always at th…
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Before you flare up at anyone’s faults, take time to count ten of your own. * * * * “The trouble with marrying for money,†said Rabbi Beryl D. Cohen during a recent symposium on marriage at Brookline, “is that you’ve got to take the girl with it.†* * * * “I was crazy to get a wife and since marriage I’ve never changed my opinion.†* * * * The reason folks don’t practice what they preach is this wouldn’t leave ‘em much time for preaching. * * * * The sorriest newspaper I ever saw was one that was run by a fellow that tried to please everybody. * * * * Like a lot of folks, flowers are soft from being coddled. Weeds will grow right on without…
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Every time one man puts a new idea across, he finds ten men who thought of it before he did, but they only thought of it. * * * * Nobody ain’t interested in your ailments but the doctor, and he wouldn’t be if it wasn’t his business. * * * * The first lie detector was made from the rib of man. No improvement has ever been made on the original machine. * * * * Nothing can hold liquor as well as a bottle so leave it in the bottle. * * * * Folks can’t take it with them, but the tightwads get a big kick out of hanging on to it while they’re here. * * * * I know an old codger that don’t believe nothing he hears, nor nothing he sees till he looks twice. *…
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When a feller says, “I ain’t no fool,†he ain’t thinking – he’s wondering. * * * * The best place to look for the family circle is around a square meal. * * * * It takes a lot of jack to keep a car up. * * * * I wasn’t surprised to read a man fell dead when he paid his income tax, it mighty nigh kills me. * * * * An old codger told me he had seen a lot of changes in his time and he had been against all of ‘em. * * * * A feller is getting along in years when he counts his change no matter how pretty the cashier is. * * * * The feller that brags that he don’t never quarrel with his wife is mistaking cowardice for chivalry. * * * * A Loafer is …
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The reason it’s so hard to save money is that there’s so many other things a feller can do with it. * * * * Everybody’s against sin, especially the other feller’s sin. * * * * A little opposition is necessary for every man – kites rise against, not with the wind. * * * * I reckon the preacher takes up the collection before preaching because everybody’s awake then. * * * * If a fat woman that wears slacks had hindsight, she’d quit wearing ‘em. * * * * A working man ought to eat a hearty breakfast, as work is especially hard to take on an empty stomach. * * * * How come the weather man never attributes cold fronts to plunging necklines. * * * * …
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I reckon the hardest thing to learn how to play is second fiddle. * * * * Maybe the worst is yet to come—but maybe you won’t be here when it happens. * * * * A feller ought to live so that the preacher that has to preach his funeral won’t be embarrassed. * * * * No matter how little a feller knows about religion, he figures he knows enough to argue about it. * * * * There’s a mighty fine line between keeping your chin up and sticking your neck out. * * * * An era of prosperity is mighty fine, but it sure costs a lot to live through it. * * * * An old-fashioned girl is one who doesn’t drink them. * * * * Deep reservoirs prove the heights to which wa…
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One Liners From The Forties and Fifties A feller told me he was married by a Justice of the Peace and he ain’t had no justice or peace since. * * * * A feller could get into a peck of trouble by doing everything he’s got a legal right to do. * * * * The only 8-hour day a farmer has is when he takes Saturday evening off. * * * * A drop in the ocean is a trifling thing, except to an aviator. * * * * Mistletoe is the state flower of Oklahoma—also of those in the state of spinsterhood. * * * * If cussing it would do any good, we’d done had a perfect Government a long time age. * * * * A reformer is a feller that thinks you’re as big a scoundrel as he …
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The judge read the list of charges, looked sternly at the woebegone creature facing him and asked: “Can it be possible that this instrument is correct and that you robbed the same house twice in less than a week?†The burglar nodded sadly. “Yes, sir. Ain’t this housing shortage terrible?†* * * *
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“What’s that piece of string tied round your finger for, Bill?†“That’s a knot. Forget-me-not is a flower. With flour you make bread, and with bread you have cheese. This is to remind me to buy some pickled onions.†* * *
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A very well-known judge was sitting in the lounge of a hotel on a hot day drinking a steaming cup of coffee. A close friend arrived and said: “Why don’t you drink something cooling? Have you ever tried chilled gin and tonic?†“No, said the judge, “but I’ve tried a lot of fellows who have.†* * *
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An old Southern planter was discussing the hereafter with one of his servants. “Sam,†he said, “If you die first I want you to come back and tell me what it’s like over there. If I die first I’ll come back and tell you what it’s like. “That suits me, boss,†replied the old man â€but if you die first. I want you to promise that you’ll come back in the daytime.†* * *
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A man appeared in a newspaper office to place an ad offering $500 for the return of his wife’s cat. “That’s an awfully high price for a cat.†The clerk suggested. “Not for this one,†said the man, “I drowned it.†* * *
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Bobby,†queried the Fourth Grade teacher, “can you tell me the names of the first two people on earth?†“Ye—s,†answered little Bobby, trying desperately to remember, “I think they were called Odd and Even.†* f *
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You say you were paid $25 to vote Republican and also got $25 to vote Democrat?†inquired the judge. The defendant, one of the principals in an inquiry into alleged election bribery, replied, “Yes, your honor.†“And for whom did you finally vote?†continued the judge. The defendant exploded with indignation. “Your honor,†he answered, I voted according to my conscience! * * *
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Seeing an advertisement for a young woman to do light housework, a city girl applied for the job. “I think the sea air will do me good,†she wrote, adding. “Will you please say in your reply where the lighthouse is? * * *
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After an absence of a week, Adam returned to Paradise to find a sulky and suspicious Eve. Darling, how can you be jealous? Please remember I’m the first and only man and you are the first and only woman. There’s no one to be jealous of.†“I know all that,†said Eve, but . . .†Later that night, when Adam was asleep, Eve got up and carefully counted his ribs. * * * *
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Why do nursing homes give Viagra to their male patients? To keep them from rolling out of bed. If you are depressed and think you need Viagra, see a professional.If that doesn't work see a doctor. A bagpiper goes to a funeral but gets lost. When he finally arrives there are only workers there eating lunch. He plays amazing grace and all the workers stand and weep. As he leaves he hears one worker say, "I never seen nothing like this before and I have been puttin in septic tanks for twenty years."
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A middle-aged couple, having driven far and wide searching for a motel, were finally able to find one, a run-down group of cabins well off the beaten path. They had been in bed for only a few moments when the wife jumped up and seized the phone. “Are you the owner of this dilapidated dump?†she shouted at the party on the other end of the line. “I am,†was the cool reply “What’s eating you?†“That,†retorted the woman, “is exactly what I’d like to know!†* f * *
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A young man had been in the witness box a long while, bearing as best he could with the nagging and prodding of a flippant barrister, who aimed shifts of wit mercilessly at the unfortunate youth. “So,†exclaimed the barrister, sarcastically, “you really do not believe that you could rout an army of Philistines with the jawbone of an ass?†“Well,†replied the exasperated youth. “I might have a try with that jawbone when you’re done with it.†* * *
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A certain judge, who is deaf, was hearing a case in which both plaintiff and defendant were also deaf. The plaintiff said: “This man ought to be made to pay his rent.†The judge not hearing the statement, said cautiously to defendant: “What have you to say about that?†“Well,†said the defendant: “I always grind my corn at night.†Finally the judge said: “I have considered this action with great care, and have come to the conclusion that both brothers are equally liable to support their mother.†* * *
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