Sonny's Funnies
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The country boy who had “made good†in New York in the Hotel business asked his old mother to come to the metropolis. He gave the old lady the best room in the hotel – one with a private bath adjoining. The next morning the son asked: “Did you have a good night’s rest?†“Well, no, I didn’t,†she replied. “The room was all right, and the bed was pretty. But, I couldn’t sleep very much, for I was afraid someone would want to take a bath, and the only way to it was through my room.†* * *
Last reply by snowyday, -
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Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators so far during the Summer Olympics that they would like to take back: 1. Weightlifting commentator: This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria . I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing. 2. Dressage commentator: This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother. 3. Gymnast: I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father. 4. Boxing Analyst: Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious. 5. Softball announcer: If…
Last reply by Fräulein, -
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I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse. I can't afford one. So, I'm wearing my garage door opener. I also made a cover for my hearing aid and now I have what they call blue teeth, I think. You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway. I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans! I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is 'when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it.' I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age and call it 'Pumping Ru…
Last reply by Sonny, -
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Through the pitch-black night, the captain sees a light dead ahead on a collision course with his ship. He sends a signal: “Change your course 10 degree east.†The light signals back: “Change yours, 10 degrees west.†Angry, the captain sends: “I’m a navy captain! Change your course, sir!†“I’m a seaman, second class,†comes the reply. “Change your course, sir.†Now the captain is furious. “I’m a battleship! I’m not changing course!†here is one last reply. “I’m a lighthouse. Your call.â€
Last reply by Sonny, -
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A truck was moving an uprooted tree. Turning a corner into a residential street, the tree slipped off the truck and hit a parked car. Immediately, a young woman came out of the house nearby and said. “You must explain this to my husband.†The driver assured her that the company would pay for any damages. “It isn’t the money,†she said. “I want a witness when I tell my husband the car was hit by a tree.†* * *
Last reply by snowyday, -
The sergeant was drilling a company of new recruits. They had done everything wrong or out of step, so the sergeant sarcastically yelled, “all right, all right, let’s see if you know your right foot from your left. Raise your right leg and hold it in front of you.†One tired recruit got mixed up and raised his left leg. Looking down the line and seeing two opposite shoes together, the sergeant said, “all right, who is the wise guy who raised both feet?†* * *
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Two men were seated in the lobby of a blood donor station in 1942. One was an Eastern tourist; the other an Apache Indian. After staring a few minutes the tourist asked, “Are you a full-blooded Indian?†“Well, no,†replied the Apache thoughtfully, “I’m a pint short.â€
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A farmer was standing beside a big pile of stones on one side of the dirt road, and on top of the stones was perched a lantern. A motorist from the city stopped and asked, “Say, Old Man, what’s the light on top of that stone pile for?†“It’s there so you drivers kin see the pile of stones – of course.†“But what’s that pile of stones for?†the motorist insisted. “Can’t you see — you dern fool!†replied the old farmer. “To put the lamp on — of course.†1936 * * *
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This guy needs a job and decides to apply at the zoo. As it happened, their star attraction, a gorilla, had passed away the night before and they had carefully preserved his hide. They tell this guy that they'll pay him well if he would dress up in the gorillas skin and pretend to be the gorilla so people will keep coming to the zoo. Well, the guy has his doubts, but Hey! He needs the money, so he puts on the skin and goes out into the cage. The people all cheer to see him. He plays up to the audience and they just eat it up. This isn't so bad, he thinks, and he starts really putting on a show, jumping around, beating his chest and roaring, swinging around. During one acr…
Last reply by Sonny, -
SHOPPING: A man walks up to a store clerk and asks "In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?" The clerk Looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?" The guy, (clearly offended) says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something, if I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a Taco would you ask if I was Mexican? Would ya, huh? Would ya?" The clerk says, "Well, no!" "If I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?" "Well, I probably wouldn…
Last reply by Sonny, -
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A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of penguins. He pulls the guy over and says, "You can't drive around with penguins in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately." The guy says okay, and drives away. The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of penguins -- and they're all wearing sunglasses. He pulls the guy over and demands, "I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday?" The guy replies, "I did. Today I'm taking them to the beach
Last reply by Sonny, -
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“How’s your brother, Willie?†“He’s in the hospital. He hurt hisself.†“Oh, that’s too bad. How did he do it?†“We was playin’ ‘who could lean fartherest out the window’ and he won.†* * *
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An 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?" She replied: a can of peaches. The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was hungry. The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6. The judge then said, "I will give you 6 days in jail." Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something. He said, " What is it? " The husband said "She also stole a can of peas
Last reply by Sonny, -
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An observant lad in Brooklyn accompanied his mom to the butcher shop. “Is that turkey you’re wrapping?†he asked. “It’s lamb,â€corrected the butcher. “You don’t see any feathers on it, do you?†“I don’t,†admitted the lad, but added, “I don’t see any wool on it, either.†* * *
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The Bridge
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Sean is the pastor of a Church of England parish in Northern Ireland and Patrick is the priest in the Catholic church just across the border. One day they are seen together, erecting a sign beside the road that says: TA END IS NEAR! TURN YERSELF AROUNT NOW AFOR IT IS TOO LATE! As a car speeds past them, the driver leans out his window and yells, "Leave people alone, you Oirish religious nutters! We don't need your lectures." From the next curve they hear screeching tyres and a big splash. Shaking his head, Father Patrick says, ''Dat's da terd one dis mornin.'" "Yaa," Pastor Sean agrees, then asks: "Do ya tink maybe da sign should just say, 'Bridge Out…
Last reply by Sonny, -
A passenger aboard a pleasure boat asked the captain why they had stopped in midstream. “The fog is so thick that we can’t see to proceed up-river,†he replied. “But, captain,†the passenger persisted. “I can see the stars.†“Yes,†he replied, “but unless the boilers blow up, that’s not the way we’re going.†* * *
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A man was dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there was a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. He quickly reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back. 'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place.. 'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.' They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theatre followed by drinks... They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened …
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Murray Robinson tells about the shopworn prize fighter who kept urging his manager, “Get me a fight with Punchy Platnik. I’ll moider the bum and we’ll be back in the big money. You gotta get me a match with Punchy Platnik!†The manager finally lost his patience and exploded, “You wanna know why I can’t get you Punchy Platnik? So I’ll tell you: YOU’RE Punchy Platnik!†From Bennett Cerf 1960 * * *
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A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer." the man began, "I can explain,". "Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back..." "But officer, I just wanted to say...." "And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!" A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back." "Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."
Last reply by Sonny, -
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On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Susan went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, he had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Susan told her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too stren…
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After he became Britain’s prime minister in 1940 Sir Winston Churchill, with a view to conserving manpower, ordered film studies to be made of all military operations. Examining films of a typical firing of an artillery piece, Churchill noticed that of the six-man crew assisting in the operation one man merely stood at attention. Inquiry showed the sixth man was there to hold the reins of the horses. Yet artillery pieces had not been horse-drawn since the early days of World War I. * * *
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Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!" So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!" The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who …
Last reply by Sonny, -
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In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods. On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping. (That's the only time I have to work on my hair.) On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special?) On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regula…
Last reply by Sonny, -
I went to the store the other day to buy a bolt for our front door, for as I told the storekeeper, the governor was coming here. “Aye,: said he, “and the legislature too.†“Then I will take two bolts,†said I. He said that there had been a steady demand for bolts and locks of late, for our protectors were coming. Henry David Thoreau, The Journal, Sept. 8, 1859. * * *
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Praised inordinately by a banquet M.C. one evening, Thomas A. Edison acknowledged the encomiums, then added. “Our distinguished chairman was wrong on one point, however. It was God who invented the first talking machine. I only invented a way to shut it off.†* * *
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