Sonny's Funnies
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A pair of newlyweds stepped into the hotel elevator. “Hello darling,†murmured the pretty operator. There is a chilly silence all the way up. But when they reached the floor the bride exploded. “Who was that hussy?†“Now don’t you start anything,†begged the groom. “I’m going to have enough trouble explaining you to her tomorrow.†* * *
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Two ninety year old men, Moe and Sam, have been friends all their lives. It seems that Sam is dying of cancer, and Moe comes to visit him every day. "Sam," says Moe, “You know how we have both loved baseball all our lives, and how we played minor league ball together for so many years. Sam, you have to do me one favor. When you get to Heaven, and I know you will go to Heaven, somehow you've got to let me know if there's baseball in Heaven." Sam looks up at Moe from his death bed, and says, "Moe, you've been my best friend many years. This favor, if it is at all possible, I'll do for you." And shortly after that, Sam passes on. It is midnight a co…
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“Any of you lads know anything about shorthand?†a sergeant asked a bunch of recruits. There was a quick response. Six men fell out at once. “Righto. They are short-handed in the cookhouse,†barked the sergeant. 1944 * * * *
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Three men lived on the 25th floor of an apartment building. One day the elevator was out of order so they had to walk up to their apartment. To pass the time they decided that the first man would sing a song, the second would tell a joke, and the third would tell a sad story. They were on the 24th flight of stairs when it was the third man’s turn. All he said was: “I forgot the key.†* * *
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The driver of a tourist bus in Australia conducted his passengers to a look-out where they obtained a fine view of the great Barron Falls in North Queensland. “These falls, ladies and gentlemen,†he said, “are the greatest waterfalls in Australia. May I ask the ladies to cease talking for a few moments so that we may hear the mighty roar of the waters?†* * *
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An Indian in New Mexico was smoke-signaling love messages to his Indian girl friend a few miles away. Suddenly, a test nuclear explosion went off, covering the sky with smoke for miles. “Gee,†said the Indian, “I wish I’d said that.†- 1956 - * * *
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After examining the patient the doctor said: “I can tell you this, you are suffering from an old chronic complaint.†“I know doctor,†replied the patient, “but lower your voice, she’s in the next room.†* * *
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You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead. At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" "Yes, I am. I married the wrong man. " A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds: "Husband Wanted". Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine." When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him. A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished. A little boy as! ked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I …
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The psychiatrist was advising the worried mother. “I wouldn’t be too upset about your boy making mud pies,†said the doctor, ‘and the fact that he sometimes tries to eat them is also normal.†“Well, I’m still not convinced, doctor,†replied the woman, “and as a matter of fact neither is his wife.†* * *
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There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is "UP." It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP? At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report? We call UP our friends. And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car. At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP…
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Prospective Customer: “I thought you said this had its advantages. Look at it: Glue factory to the north, a rubber factory to the south, a vinegar distillery to the east and a gas company to the west.†Real Estate Agent: “Well, the rent is cheap and you’ll always be able to tell which way the wind is blowing.†* * *
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Watch for these new computer viruses .. Neither Norton, McAfee, nor any other A/V has solutions as of yet! The John Kerry Virus - Reverses every position in your computer each time you turn it on. The Clinton Virus - Gives you a permanent Hard Drive with NO memory. The Al Gore Virus - Causes your computer to just keep counting and re-counting. The Bob Dole (a.k.a. Viagra) Virus - Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy. The Lewinsky Virus - Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then e-mails everyone about what it did. The Michael Jackson Virus - Attacks only minor files. The Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus - Terminates some files, leaves, but…
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A visitor to New Mexico, talking to a sun-browned native, commented on the lack of rain. “Doesn’t it ever rain here,†the tourist asked. “The native thought for a moment and said, “Mister do you remember the story of Noah and the Ark, and how it rained 40 days and 40 nights?†“Sure I do,†said the tourist. “Well,†drawled the native, “we got a half-inch that time.†* * *
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“How did your brother die?†“He fell through some scaffolding.†“What was he doing?†“They were hanging him.†* * *
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Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking........and one blonde says to the other - "Which do you think is farther away..........Florida or the moon? "The other blonde turns and says "Hellooooo, can you see Florida.......????? ****************************************************** A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, "What's the story?" He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor" She asks, "And, how often do I have to do that?" ***************************************************************** A police officer stops a b…
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Supper had been ready for a long time when the henpecked husband stole into the house and hung up his hat. “Henry,†said his wife from the dining room, “what do you mean by being two hours late?†“But, darling, I’ve been run over by a truck,†he protested from the hall. “Well, what of it?†she demanded, coldly. “It doesn’t take two hours to get run over.†* * * *
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How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb? 1. Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb? 2. Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code. 3. Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp! 4. Rottweiler: Make me. 5. Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark. 6. Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? …
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She was very well dressed and as she walked into the fashionable shop, the manager herself came forward to serve her. “I see by your catalogue,†she said, “that you have received two thousand pairs of ladies shoes.†“Yes, madam,†the respectful manager informed her. “Good,†said the girl, sitting down, “I wish to try them on!†* * * *
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A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, "I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today." The bartender says "Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me." As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, "I would like to buy you a drink too." The old woman says, Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water." "Coming up," says the bartender. As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says,"I would like to buy you one too." The old woman says, "Thank you." "Bartender, I want another Scotch w…
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Ted Sorenson, aide to Senator Kennedy, told a Winthrop audience of the college quarterback who called play number 13 that put over a winning touchdown. When the coach inquired what prompted this play, the quarterback replied, “I saw No. 5 on the jersey of the guard, No. 7 on the tackle, added them and got 13.†“But 7 and 5 make 12,†protested the coach. “Gee, coach,†said the quarterback, “if I had your education, we’d of lost the game.†-1958- * * *
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Archie the office boy in a Large corporation was fired and accused of stealing 500 dollars of postage stamps. A crusading young lawyer defended him successfully, and convinced of the youth’s innocence and integrity, wanted to sue the employer for false arrest, defamation of character, etc. “But it will cost at least $500,†the lawyer told Archie. “I think the case is a cinch. Do you think you could raise $500.†“Not in cash but I can give it to you in postage stamps,†Archie said. * * * *
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A young soldier was relating his experience in connection with a retreat. The company was in a vulnerable position, and the enemy was closing in rapidly. The officer in charge gave orders to beat a hasty retreat, and as they did so the bullets flew thick and fast past them as they ran for their lives. At the conclusion of his narration, one of the listeners asked him if he was scared. He replied, “no, I wasn’t personally scared, but I passed several soldiers who certainly were.†* * *
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After several minutes of futile stabbing at the keyhole, a tipsy husband found the door opened for him by his glaring wife. “Aw, honey, don’t be mad,†he mumbled. “Some of the boys at the office decided to have a contest to see who could drink the most.†“Very interesting,†said his wife acidly. “Who won second prize?â€
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THIRTY LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE 1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't. 2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it. 3. I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me! 4. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them. 5. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. 6. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive. 7. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me 8. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. 9. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe. 10. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are missing. 11. Out of my mind. Back…
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1 way to shutdown the stupid habit Subject: Eric's train ride After a very busy day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes as the train departed Montreal for Hudson. As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice: “Hi sweetheart it’s Eric, I’m on the train – yes, I know it’s the six thirty and not the four thirty but I had a long meet ing – no, honey, not with that floozie from the accounts office, with the boss. No sweetheart, you’re the only one in my life – yes, I’m sure, cross my heart†etc., etc. Fifteen minutes later, he wa…
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