Sonny's Funnies
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The chef was giving an assistant the bawling out of his life for an error. He shouted: “Didn’t I tell you to notice when the soup boiled over?†The poor fellow held up a hand in defense and said: “I did! I did!! It was half-past ten.†* * * *
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An elderly man, 82, just returned from the doctors only to find he didn't have long to live. So he summoned the three most important people in his life to tell them of his fate: 1. His Doctor 2. His Priest 3. His Lawyer. He said, "Well, today I found out I don't have long to live. So, I have summoned you three here, because you are the most important people in my life, and I need to ask a favor. Today, I am going to give each of you an envelope with $50,000 dollars inside. When I die, I would ask that all three of you throw the money into my grave." After the man passed on, the three people happened to run into each other. The doctor said, "I have to ad…
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A lush brother up in the North Woods one day wandered around to where a couple of fellows were working with one of those big cross-cut saws where one stands on each side of the tree they are cutting. One of these lumbermen was practically a giant, and the other a little shrimp. Back and forth went the saw, back and forth. Finally the drunk could stand it no longer. “You big bully,†he exclaimed, smacking the giant lumberman flush on the jaw, “if the little guy wants the saw – let him have it.†* * *
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An ancient mosquito and a young mosquito were talking things over. The older one mentioned how lucky things were for youngsters. “How can you say so?†replied the other. “Look at the things we have to put up with now. All kinds of insecticides. It’s so hard to live these days.†“Maybe,†retorted the older. “But in my time when I wandered around the beach we could bite a girl only on the hands or face. Look at the opportunities you fellows have these days.†* * *
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Officer Mullooney was the stupidest clunk on the Sarsaparilla Falls police force, but his father-in-law was mayor and president of the bank, so there was no way of remedying the situation. One night his chief told Mullooney: “There’s a buzzard been carting apples out of Farmer Klopfer’s orchard every night. I want you to catch him red-handed.†Late that night, Mullooney spotted a man sneaking off the Klopfer premises with a heavy sack. “Mull†collared him and emptied the sack on the ground. Out tumbled a silver tea set, a Picasso miniature, and Mrs. Klopfer’s sable coat. “Golly, I’m sorry,†apologized, Mullooney. “I thought you was stealing ap…
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After he became Britain’s prime minister in 1940 Sir Winston Churchill, with a view to conserving manpower, ordered film studies to be made of all military operations. Examining films of a typical firing of an artillery piece, Churchill noticed that of the six-man crew assisting in the operation one man merely stood at attention. Inquiry showed the sixth man was there to hold the reins of the horses. Yet artillery pieces had not been horse-drawn since the early days of World War I. * * *
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A long-suffering wife was about to berate her husband for staggering in at 3 a.m. “Before you begin,†said he, “I want you to know that I was sitting up with a sick friend.†“A likely story, a likely story,†mocked his wife. “What’s his name?†The husband gave this problem deep thought, then announced, “He was so sick he couldn’t tell me.†* * *
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Three contractors are bidding to fix the White House fence. One from New Jersey, another from Tennessee and the third, Florida. They go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Florida contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says. "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me." The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me." The New Jersey contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the …
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THE BOTTLE OF WINE For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, or wish you weren't married, this is something to smile about the next time you see a bottle of wine: Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car. Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she sa…
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Cowboy Hat
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An elderly couple, Ray and Bessie, are "snowbirds" in Texas. Ray always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly. He walks into the house and says to his wife: "Notice anything different about me?" Bessie looks him over and says, "Nope." Frustrated, Ray storms off into the bathroom; undresses and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots. Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT NOW?" Bessie looks up and says, "Ray, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow." …
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The country boy who had “made good†in New York in the Hotel business asked his old mother to come to the metropolis. He gave the old lady the best room in the hotel – one with a private bath adjoining. The next morning the son asked: “Did you have a good night’s rest?†“Well, no, I didn’t,†she replied. “The room was all right, and the bed was pretty. But, I couldn’t sleep very much, for I was afraid someone would want to take a bath, and the only way to it was through my room.†* * *
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Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators so far during the Summer Olympics that they would like to take back: 1. Weightlifting commentator: This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria . I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing. 2. Dressage commentator: This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother. 3. Gymnast: I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father. 4. Boxing Analyst: Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious. 5. Softball announcer: If…
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I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse. I can't afford one. So, I'm wearing my garage door opener. I also made a cover for my hearing aid and now I have what they call blue teeth, I think. You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway. I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans! I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is 'when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it.' I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age and call it 'Pumping Ru…
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Through the pitch-black night, the captain sees a light dead ahead on a collision course with his ship. He sends a signal: “Change your course 10 degree east.†The light signals back: “Change yours, 10 degrees west.†Angry, the captain sends: “I’m a navy captain! Change your course, sir!†“I’m a seaman, second class,†comes the reply. “Change your course, sir.†Now the captain is furious. “I’m a battleship! I’m not changing course!†here is one last reply. “I’m a lighthouse. Your call.â€
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A truck was moving an uprooted tree. Turning a corner into a residential street, the tree slipped off the truck and hit a parked car. Immediately, a young woman came out of the house nearby and said. “You must explain this to my husband.†The driver assured her that the company would pay for any damages. “It isn’t the money,†she said. “I want a witness when I tell my husband the car was hit by a tree.†* * *
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The sergeant was drilling a company of new recruits. They had done everything wrong or out of step, so the sergeant sarcastically yelled, “all right, all right, let’s see if you know your right foot from your left. Raise your right leg and hold it in front of you.†One tired recruit got mixed up and raised his left leg. Looking down the line and seeing two opposite shoes together, the sergeant said, “all right, who is the wise guy who raised both feet?†* * *
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Two men were seated in the lobby of a blood donor station in 1942. One was an Eastern tourist; the other an Apache Indian. After staring a few minutes the tourist asked, “Are you a full-blooded Indian?†“Well, no,†replied the Apache thoughtfully, “I’m a pint short.â€
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A farmer was standing beside a big pile of stones on one side of the dirt road, and on top of the stones was perched a lantern. A motorist from the city stopped and asked, “Say, Old Man, what’s the light on top of that stone pile for?†“It’s there so you drivers kin see the pile of stones – of course.†“But what’s that pile of stones for?†the motorist insisted. “Can’t you see — you dern fool!†replied the old farmer. “To put the lamp on — of course.†1936 * * *
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This guy needs a job and decides to apply at the zoo. As it happened, their star attraction, a gorilla, had passed away the night before and they had carefully preserved his hide. They tell this guy that they'll pay him well if he would dress up in the gorillas skin and pretend to be the gorilla so people will keep coming to the zoo. Well, the guy has his doubts, but Hey! He needs the money, so he puts on the skin and goes out into the cage. The people all cheer to see him. He plays up to the audience and they just eat it up. This isn't so bad, he thinks, and he starts really putting on a show, jumping around, beating his chest and roaring, swinging around. During one acr…
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SHOPPING: A man walks up to a store clerk and asks "In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?" The clerk Looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?" The guy, (clearly offended) says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something, if I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a Taco would you ask if I was Mexican? Would ya, huh? Would ya?" The clerk says, "Well, no!" "If I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?" "Well, I probably wouldn…
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A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of penguins. He pulls the guy over and says, "You can't drive around with penguins in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately." The guy says okay, and drives away. The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of penguins -- and they're all wearing sunglasses. He pulls the guy over and demands, "I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday?" The guy replies, "I did. Today I'm taking them to the beach
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“How’s your brother, Willie?†“He’s in the hospital. He hurt hisself.†“Oh, that’s too bad. How did he do it?†“We was playin’ ‘who could lean fartherest out the window’ and he won.†* * *
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An 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?" She replied: a can of peaches. The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was hungry. The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6. The judge then said, "I will give you 6 days in jail." Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something. He said, " What is it? " The husband said "She also stole a can of peas
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An observant lad in Brooklyn accompanied his mom to the butcher shop. “Is that turkey you’re wrapping?†he asked. “It’s lamb,â€corrected the butcher. “You don’t see any feathers on it, do you?†“I don’t,†admitted the lad, but added, “I don’t see any wool on it, either.†* * *
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The Bridge
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Sean is the pastor of a Church of England parish in Northern Ireland and Patrick is the priest in the Catholic church just across the border. One day they are seen together, erecting a sign beside the road that says: TA END IS NEAR! TURN YERSELF AROUNT NOW AFOR IT IS TOO LATE! As a car speeds past them, the driver leans out his window and yells, "Leave people alone, you Oirish religious nutters! We don't need your lectures." From the next curve they hear screeching tyres and a big splash. Shaking his head, Father Patrick says, ''Dat's da terd one dis mornin.'" "Yaa," Pastor Sean agrees, then asks: "Do ya tink maybe da sign should just say, 'Bridge Out…
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