Sonny's Funnies
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Arriving home late after an evening with the boys, he was afraid to enter since his wife was one who would waken at the creak of a stair. Suddenly he brightened with an idea. He tiptoed into the kitchen, and carefully tied together several pots and pans with his necktie. Dragging them upstairs behind him, he muttered, “She’ll never hear me in all this noise.†* * *
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“Sign your name at the bottom of this form,†said the prison warden to a new arrival. “Sorry,†said the prisoner, “I can’t write.†The warden considered for a moment. “All right,†he said. “But what are you in for?†“Forgery.†“Forgery?†echoed the warden. “How can you be in for forgery when you can’t write?†“I don’t know,†said the prisoner. “I think I must have had a rotten lawyer.†* * *
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A private had been given the job of announcing the guests at a party in the officers’ mess. “Capt. Jones, Mrs. Jones and Miss Jones,†he called when they arrived. “Shorten your announcements,†whispered the officer in charge. Capt. Jones and family would have been sufficient.†The next arrivals were Maj. Penny and his family. “Four-pence!†called the private. * * * *
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Every Saturday morning Grandpa Walt found himself babysitting his three grandchildren...all boys. The kids always wanted to play ''war,'' and Grandpa somehow always got coaxed into the game. His daughter came to pick up the kids early one Saturday and witnessed Grandpa take a fake shot as Jason pointed a toy gun and yelled, "Bang!'' Grandpa slumped to the floor and stayed there motionless. The daughter rushed over to see if he was all right. Grandpa opened one eye and whispered, ''Sh-h-h, I always do this. It's the only chance I get to rest.''
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During World War II an emergency call for a blood donor was sent to the Navy Yard. A rosy-cheeked Irish employee volunteered. At the hospital she was surprised to learn that the patient was a fellow worker, a Jewish friend from her own department. Some months later he returned to work, but never mentioned her help. But came St. Patrick’s Day he arrived resplendent in a bright green tie. “Why, Mr. Cohen,†she explained, “I didn’t know you were Irish.†Cohen smiled knowingly and said: “Sure, and some of the finest blood from Ireland flows in my veins.†* * *
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A car stopped at the United States border and a Customs official looked at the occupants’ passports. “Your passport is in order,†he said to the driver, “but can you prove that this lady is your wife?†The driver glanced at his forbidding-looking companion, and whispered to the official: “There’s a nice present for you if you can prove she isn’t.†* * *
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Bubba and Johnny Ray, two good ole boys, were sitting' on the front porch drinking beer when a large truck hauling rolls and rolls of sod went by. "I'm gonna do that when I win the lottery," said Bubba. "Do what?" asked Johnny Ray. Bubba answered: "Send my grass out to be mowed"
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The boy was practicing his violin lesson in the house, while out on the porch, his younger sister, was playing with the dog. As the boy was scraping away on his fiddle, the hound howled dismally. The sister stood it as long as she could, then she poked her head in the open window and said: “For goodness sake, Jimmy, can’t you play something the dog doesn’t know?†* * * *
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A new railway inspector was objecting to the length of the line overseer’s reports. “Don’t make them so wordy,†he said. “Just put down the condition of the tracks as you find them. Leave out everything that isn’t absolutely to the point. I want a business report, not a novel.†A few days later the line was badly flooded, and the overseer wrote: “Where the railway was the river is.†* * * *
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It was one of those mountain roads and the tourist stopped to ask directions from a native. “Pardon me, sir,†said the stranger, “can you tell me where this road goes?†“Well,†said the hillbilly, “it just moseys along a piece, then it turns into a hog trail, then a squirrel track, and finally runs up a scrub pine and ends in a knothole.†* * *
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Gordon Turner, editor of the Nantucket Inquirer & Mirror, tells about an island farmer who arranged to have an aged aunt cared for in a rest home. On every visit, he brought her delicacies from the farm, especially including a thermos bottle of fresh milk laced (on the advice of her physician) with a little brandy. Recently the old lady interrupted her contented sipping of the thermos bottle’s contents to command: “Larry, don’t you ever dare to sell that cow.†* * * *
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Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, †Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?" "Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques: visualization, association, etc. It was great." "That's great! And what was the name of the clinic?" Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?" "You mean a rose?" "Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife, "Rose, what was the name of that memory clinic?"
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After a few words, mostly spoken by the young wife, her hubby sprang to his feet. “You’ve gone too far! “he exclaimed, angrily. “This is our last quarrel. I’m going right out of your life.†“Oh, Henry, darling, where are you going?†she cried. “I’ll find a place where wild adventure will wipe out the memories of this moment – perhaps in the jungle – or on the stormy seas --.†As he spoke he opened the door, then closed it again and turned sternly to his wife. “It’s lucky for you it’s starting to rain,†he said. * * *
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A pair of newlyweds stepped into the hotel elevator. “Hello darling,†murmured the pretty operator. There is a chilly silence all the way up. But when they reached the floor the bride exploded. “Who was that hussy?†“Now don’t you start anything,†begged the groom. “I’m going to have enough trouble explaining you to her tomorrow.†* * *
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Two ninety year old men, Moe and Sam, have been friends all their lives. It seems that Sam is dying of cancer, and Moe comes to visit him every day. "Sam," says Moe, “You know how we have both loved baseball all our lives, and how we played minor league ball together for so many years. Sam, you have to do me one favor. When you get to Heaven, and I know you will go to Heaven, somehow you've got to let me know if there's baseball in Heaven." Sam looks up at Moe from his death bed, and says, "Moe, you've been my best friend many years. This favor, if it is at all possible, I'll do for you." And shortly after that, Sam passes on. It is midnight a co…
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“Any of you lads know anything about shorthand?†a sergeant asked a bunch of recruits. There was a quick response. Six men fell out at once. “Righto. They are short-handed in the cookhouse,†barked the sergeant. 1944 * * * *
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Three men lived on the 25th floor of an apartment building. One day the elevator was out of order so they had to walk up to their apartment. To pass the time they decided that the first man would sing a song, the second would tell a joke, and the third would tell a sad story. They were on the 24th flight of stairs when it was the third man’s turn. All he said was: “I forgot the key.†* * *
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The driver of a tourist bus in Australia conducted his passengers to a look-out where they obtained a fine view of the great Barron Falls in North Queensland. “These falls, ladies and gentlemen,†he said, “are the greatest waterfalls in Australia. May I ask the ladies to cease talking for a few moments so that we may hear the mighty roar of the waters?†* * *
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An Indian in New Mexico was smoke-signaling love messages to his Indian girl friend a few miles away. Suddenly, a test nuclear explosion went off, covering the sky with smoke for miles. “Gee,†said the Indian, “I wish I’d said that.†- 1956 - * * *
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After examining the patient the doctor said: “I can tell you this, you are suffering from an old chronic complaint.†“I know doctor,†replied the patient, “but lower your voice, she’s in the next room.†* * *
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You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead. At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" "Yes, I am. I married the wrong man. " A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds: "Husband Wanted". Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine." When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him. A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished. A little boy as! ked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I …
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The psychiatrist was advising the worried mother. “I wouldn’t be too upset about your boy making mud pies,†said the doctor, ‘and the fact that he sometimes tries to eat them is also normal.†“Well, I’m still not convinced, doctor,†replied the woman, “and as a matter of fact neither is his wife.†* * *
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There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is "UP." It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP? At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report? We call UP our friends. And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car. At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP…
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Prospective Customer: “I thought you said this had its advantages. Look at it: Glue factory to the north, a rubber factory to the south, a vinegar distillery to the east and a gas company to the west.†Real Estate Agent: “Well, the rent is cheap and you’ll always be able to tell which way the wind is blowing.†* * *
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Watch for these new computer viruses .. Neither Norton, McAfee, nor any other A/V has solutions as of yet! The John Kerry Virus - Reverses every position in your computer each time you turn it on. The Clinton Virus - Gives you a permanent Hard Drive with NO memory. The Al Gore Virus - Causes your computer to just keep counting and re-counting. The Bob Dole (a.k.a. Viagra) Virus - Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy. The Lewinsky Virus - Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then e-mails everyone about what it did. The Michael Jackson Virus - Attacks only minor files. The Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus - Terminates some files, leaves, but…
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