Sonny's Funnies
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Nancy and Pat, aged 8 and 9, were at their new television set, watching the atomic explosion at Yucca Flat. Nancy broke the moment of awed silence after the gigantic explosion: Boy, they sure don’t care what they do to Nevada, do they?†But Pat explained loftily: Don’t be silly, Nancy. They have to make a place to put Hawaii when it gets to be the 49th state. * * * From the Times Record of Troy, New York dated 15 May 1953 (This was the atomic blast of March 17, 1953, at Yucca Flat, Nevada Proving Ground.) mds
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It was in a small town in the hills where the local drunk staggered out of a bar. Gazing around in a befuddled manner, he spotted the town’s only taxicab in front of the bar, and climbed into the back seat. “Take me to Charley’s Place, driver,†he said. “Buddy, you’re in front of Charley’s place now,†replied the driver. “O.K. Mac!†said the drunk as he staggered out of the cab. “But next time, don’t drive so blamed fast!†* * * *
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A white man and an Indian, it seems, had gone hunting. That evening, ready to divide the spoils, the white man said, “You take the buzzard and I’ll take the turkey, or, I will take the turkey and you may take the buzzard.†The Indian replied, “You never once said take turkey to me. And that is how our language gained the expressive phrase “talking turkey,†synonymous with “talking business†or getting down to brass tacks.†* * * *
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With the coming of the railroad came a new brand of entrepreneurialism. Stock would wander onto the track and be hit by the train. The railroad would then have to settle with the owner for the superb stock lost. A Cherokee County man saw an opportunity and went out and bought a blind mule as his sacrificial lamb so to speak. Now the mule may have been blind but was not stupid. He could both hear and feel the vibrations caused by the train and get out of the way. Hopefully each day the man would go check on his prize stock. Day after day he would find the mule alive and well. One day when the train engineer looked down the track he spied th…
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Real Sergeants 1. Can cuss for ten minutes without ever repeating a word. 2. Have a spine. 3. Can play a cherry Lieutenant like a finely tuned instrument. 4. Can see in the Dark. 5. Have eyes in the back of their heads. 6. Still don't trust the Russians. 7. Still hate the French. 8. Don't know how to be politically correct. 9. Don't give a damn about being politically correct. 10. Think that "politically correct" should fall under S### in the UCMJ. 11. Love deployments because there is less paperwork and more "real work." 12. Can run 5 miles with a hangover. 13. Do not fear women in the military. 14. Would like to date G. I. Jane. 15. …
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A man was driving through Wyoming one spring evening. The road was deserted and he had not seen a soul for what seemed like hours. Suddenly his car started to cough and splutter and the engine slowly died away, leaving him sitting by the road in total silence. He popped the hood and looked to see if there was anything that he could do to get it going again. Unfortunately, he had a limited knowledge of cars, so all he could do was look at the engine, feeling despondent. As he peered by the gradually fading light of his flashlight, he cursed that he had not put in new batteries, like he had promised. Suddenly, through the inky shadows, came a deep voice, "It's your fu…
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A poor West Virginia farmer worked as hard as any human could, his entire life. His only reward was the constant nagging, ass-chewing and growling from his nasty tempered wife. He would often talk to his mule and enjoyed its company as he plowed, logged, and drug hay from the fields. One particularly hard, hot day, she comes out and just rants and raves about something he hadn't quite got around to yet. As she walked behind the mule, it laid its ears back and kicked her right in the head, and she was dead before she hit the ground. So being the good man that he was, the farmer gave her a decent funeral. After the service and everything, the undertaker walked up to the m…
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I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes. We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time. When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, " What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?" Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; knowing he would have a good one. And in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response. "Got drunk …
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A Navy wife bidding her husband goodbye as he was embarking for the Aleutians, says when she saw a black Scottie puppy going aboard, when wives were not allowed to go along, she went to an officer and complained about the unfairness of regulations that allowed dogs, but not wives, to accompany the Navy. The officer listened to the tirade in silence. Then he spoke, “but see, madam, he said, “all of the men can pet a dog.†* * * *
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A teacher was slightly in doubt as to what mark to give the boy on his answer in an examination to the question “What is a will?†The boys answer: “A will is a written document in which a person tells how he wants his property divided among his errors.†* * * *
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An athlete who had won many running races was boasting of his achievements when a man sitting near interrupted him. “I’ll race you,†said the stranger, “and you’ll never pass me if you give me a 3 foot start and let me choose the course. The athlete looked at his challenger, a short and rather stout man, and laughed, “I bet you twenty to one I will.†he returned, “where’s the course?†“Up a ladder,†answered his opponent. * * * *
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Lost on a back road in Alabama, a man asked the way to Montgomery from an old farmer who was sitting on a fence idly chewing tobacco. He looked down the road, scratched his head and gave him a complicated set of directions. About thirty minutes later after following the farmer’s directions carefully, the young man could hardly believe his eyes when he came upon the farmer again at the very same spot. Thoroughly exasperated he pulled up and shouted: “Look here, you act as though you expected to see me again. What’s the big idea?†“Waal, young feller,†he repeated, “I didn’t aim to waste my time explainin’ how you get to Mon…
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A Boston salesman visited Texas and heard one particular Texan boasting about heroes of the Alamo who, almost alone, held off whole armies. “I’ll bet you never had anybody so brave around Boston,†challenged the Texan. “Did you ever hear of Paul Revere?†said the Bostonian. “Paul Revere?†said the Texan. “Isn’t that the guy that ran for help?†* * * *
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Old Matt Ironfield, who had run the only hardware store in Slopeville for the last thirty years, was sitting himself down to supper table, when his patient wife, Esmerelda, said: “Any business today, Matt?†“Oh, old Bull’s-Eye Benson came in and bought a lock for his meat cellar this morning.†“Anything else happen?†asked his wife. “Oh, a little later on, Light-Fingered Fenwick come in and bought a wrecking bar.†“Oh, just before noon, Light-Fingered Fenwick came back and bought a skillet – big enough to fry a big slice of ham in.†“I see,†said Esmerelda. “Any other customers?†“Oh, along the middle of the afternoon, …
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Freckled, shaggy-haired, tall gangling, young mountaineer entered the general store, plunked down $1.50 and said to the lady clerk: “The girl my cousin’s marrin’ tomorrow wants a pair of Nylon stockin’s, size nine, to wear at the weddin.’ “What gauge?†Asked the clerk. “Gauge?†he echoed blankly. “She didn’t say, ma’am, but her pap’s old shotgun looked like a 12-gauge – if that’ll help any.†* * * * from 1943
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Friendship
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Friendship ~ None of that Sissy Stuff Are you tired of those sissy 'friendship' poems that always sound good, but never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship. You will see no cute little smiley faces on this ~Just the stone cold truth of our great friendship. 1. When you are sad ~ I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad. 2. When you are blue ~ I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you. 3. When you smile ~ I will know you are thinking of something that I would probably want to be involved in. 4. When you are scared…
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“Did you notice any suspicious characters in the neighborhood?†the judge inquired. “Sure,†replied the new policeman. “I saw one man, and I asked him what he was doing there at that time of night. Said he: “I have no business here just now, but I expect to open a bank in the vicinity later on.†“Yes,†replied the judge, “and he did open a bank in the vicinity later on and stole $20,000.†“Well,†answered the policeman. The man may have been a thief, but he was no liar.†* * * *
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A well known actor with a caustic wit was having a quarrel with his wife. After a particularly biting remark, she burst into tears and said: How can you treat me like this when I’ve given you the seven best years of my life!†“Good Heavens,†replied the husband, “were those your best?†* * * *
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The teacher had recited “The Landing of the Pilgrims.†Then she requested each pupil to draw from his or her imagination a picture of Plymouth Rock. Most of them went to work at once, but one little fellow hesitated and at length raised his hand. “Well, Willie, what is it?†asked the teacher. “Please, ma’am, do you want us to draw a hen or a rooster?†* * * *
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The courtroom reporters who saw Harry Hershfield at the Alger Hiss trial told of the Vera Stretz murder trial which was covered by Hershfield. Miss Stretz had shot her Teuton lover, whose body showed five bullet wounds. She was defended by Samuel Leibowitz and acquitted . . . Her plea was self-defense. And when, during a recess, the presiding judge, Cornelius Collins, asked the reporters: “How could a woman shoot five times, and then say it’s self-defense?†. . . “Maybe,†suggested Hershfield, she was hard of hearing.†* * * *
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A man walked into a restaurant and left the door open. A big fat man called out, shut that door, were you brought up in a barn. The man closed the door, went to a table, sat down and began to cry. At which the fat man looked uncomfortable and went over to the sorrowful one. Said he, “I’m sorry, I didn’t intend to hurt your feelings. I just wanted you to close the door.†I’m not crying because you hurt my feelings was the reply, but the fact is, I was brought up in a barn, and every time I here an ass bray, it makes me feel homesick. * * * *
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Little Sophia was heartbroken when her pet canary died, and to pacify her, father gave her an empty cigar box, and, with much ceremony, assisted in burying the box in the garden. Daddy, whispered Sophia after the funeral was over, will my dear little birdie go to heaven? I expect so, replied the father, why? I was only thinking, murmured the youngster, how cross St. Peter will be when he opens the box and finds it isn’t cigars after all. * * * *
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The parson was engaged in a small job of home carpentry, and not doing so well. Presently Willie, the boy next door, came over to watch him. The parson was pleased and encouraged. “Willie,†he said, “are you watching to see how I do it?†“Naw,†replied Willie. I’m waiting to hear what you say when you mash your thumb.†* * *
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The class composition was about “Kings.†One boy wrote this: “The most powerful king on earth is Wor-king; the laziest, Shir-king; the wittiest, Jo-king; the quietest, Thin-king; the thirstiest, Drin-king; the shyest, Win-king, and the noisiest, Tal-king. * * * *
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She was pretty and ambitious and had studied the matrimonial problem to a nicety. “Yes. I suppose, I shall wed eventually.†She said, “but the only kind of masculine nuisance that will suit me must be tall and dark, with classical features. He must be brave, yet gentle. He must be strong—a lion among men, but a knight among women. That evening a bow-legged, lath-framed chinless youth, wearing flannel baggies and smoking a cigarette that smelt worse than a burning boot, rattled on the back door and the girl knocked four tumblers and a cut glass dish off the sideboard in her haste to let him in. * * * * snowyday
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