Sonny's Funnies
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Mrs. Gabbieigh—“My, I was at the dentist’s this afternoon and he made me keep my mouth open a whole hour. It nearly killed me.†Husband (trying to read)—“If he had made you keep your mouth shut for that long it would have killed you for sure.†* * * *
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Teacher: What does your father do for a living? Student: He is a magician. Teacher: what is his favorite trick? Student: He cuts people in two. Teacher: How many brothers and sisters do you have? Student: One half-brother and one half-sister....
Last reply by Sonny, -
An elderly couple was in bed one night and the woman woke up from a bad dream. She was scared and panicking. Her husband awoke and turned the light on to calm her. He asked what was wrong. She said "I had a dream that I died and you got remarried." she asked him "if I died tomorrow would you get remarried?" he said "sure, I don’t want to spend the rest of my life lonely." then she asked "well would you two live in this house?" he replied "sure, we just got finished paying off our mortgage." she asked again, angry now "well would she sleep in this bed?" he snickered and said "yes, of course, this bed is brand new and expensive, there's no reason to rid of i…
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The director of the home planning department of a large department store received a telephone call: “Could you help me with some color questions?†a feminine voice asked “I want to know what colors I’ll get if I mix green and yellow, yellow and blue and green and blue.†“We could be of more help to you,†said the home planner, “if we knew what you are working with. Are you using flat, gloss paint, enamel or oil?†“Oh, no,†said the caller “I’m not painting. I am planning to crossbreed some parakeets.†* * * *
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A man went into the employment office and signed up for a job as dishwasher in a hotel. The questionnaire asked: “When are you available for work?†The man scratched his head and said to the clerk: “How do you spell rat?†“Why, R-A-T, of course,†answered the clerk. “Nom†said the man, “I don’t mean the mousy kind of rat. I mean rat now.†* * * *
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A man went into the employment office and signed up for a job as dishwasher in a hotel. The questionnaire asked: “When are you available for work?†The man scratched his head and said to the clerk: “How do you spell rat?†“Why, R-A-T, of course,†answered the clerk. “Nom†said the man, “I don’t mean the mousy kind of rat. I mean rat now.†* * * *
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The teacher wrote on the blackboard, “I ain’t had no fun all summer.†“Now Paul,†she said. “What shall I do to correct this?†“Get a boy friend.†Paul replied.
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A small-time salesman treated himself to a Pullman ride from Boston to New York aboard a deluxe streamliner. Thrilled by the train’s luxuries, he entered the club car where several big business men were discussing the state of the economy. “A bad week,†he heard one capitalist complain. “We netted only $130,000.†“It was better for us,†said another. “Wheat was hot and we cleared $250,000.†Man after man told of such profits. Suddenly all eyes centered on the little salesman and someone asked, “How’s your business?†“So-so,†he shrugged. “Last week yellows were off half a million, but reds were up a million and blacks up fou…
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Two philosophers were sitting at a restaurant, discussing whether or not there was a difference between misfortune and disaster. “There is most certainly a difference,†said one. “If the cook suddenly died and we couldn’t have our dinner that would be a misfortune, but certainly not a disaster. On the other hand, if a cruise ship carrying the Congress was to sink in the middle of the ocean, now that would be a disaster, but by no stretch of the imagination would it be a misfortune
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The adult life of Thomas Edison, probably due to his intense powers of concentration, is dotted with stories of his absentmindedness. The classic of the collection, however, has to do with the afternoon he stepped down from his train at the familiar Orange, N.J., station. And the station master, who’d had great experience with the inventive genius, said: Welcome home again, Mr. Edison. “Say, you didn’t leave anything on the train, did you?†“Why, I don’t think so,†replied Edison, looking about vaguely and patting his pockets. At that moment his eyes rested on a window of the stopped train. Mrs. Edison, his new bride of a fortnight, whom …
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A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. Afterward, the doctor comes out with the results. "I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left." "Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "Give it to me straight, Doc. How long have I got?" "Ten," the doctor says sadly. "Ten?" the man asks "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!" "Nine..."
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“That there new cook on the chuck wagon is the laziest galoot I ever set eyes on,†Slim Watson said as he started off to sing the herd down. “Know what he brought along? A sack of popcorn.†“First time I ever heard of anything like that in a chuck wagon,†Longhorn Pete admitted, “but how would popping corn make him out to be a lazy galoot?†Slim spat disgustedly, “That good-for-nothing lazy varmint mixes a handful of it in the hotcake batter every morning so the hotcakes will turn themselves over and save him the trouble.†* * *
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A Wisconsin farmer, who had a reputation as a skinflint, had two hired men and a maid. Rumors flew around that he was paying them starvation wages. A federal inspector from the Wages and Hour Administration called at the farm. “I hear you are violating the law by paying below the minimum,†the inspector said. “Oh, am I?†the farmer said angrily. “Well, there’s Willie, who milks the cows and does chores around the barn. Ask him.†Forty dollars a week, sir,†Willie said. “And there’s Sammy,†the farmer said, calling over the other hired man. Tell this man your wages.†“Forty dollars a week sir,†Sammy said. …
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During the mid-afternoon lull at an English pub the senior bartender and his assistant busied themselves polishing glassware. They could not help overhearing a conversation between two men at a nearby table, the only customers in the place. To say these gentlemen were inebriated would be mild euphemism. This is what the bartenders heard: “Where you from?†“The States.†“That’s a coincidence. So am I. What town?†“Chicago.†“Can you beat that? I’m from Chicago, too. What address?†“5710 Ellis Avenue.†“I can’t believe it. That’s where I live. What’s your apartment?†“Six.†…
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Three sisters, ages 92, 94, and 96, live together. One night the 96-year-0ld draws a bath. She puts one foot in and pauses. "Was I getting in the tub or out?" she yells. The 94-year-old hollers back, "I don't know, I'll come up to see." She starts up the stairs and stops. She shouts, "Was I going up or going down?" The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea, listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful", and knocks on wood for good measure. Then she yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
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Sam Jones had a small farm down in Texas with just a few sheep, and one day his wife while dyeing some bedspreads blue, had a little lamb fall into the vat of dye. A passing motorist spying the lamb with the blue fleece stopped and offered $100 for it. So Sam figured he had stumbled on to a good thing and colored more of his lambs with blue dye which brought him big profits. “Pretty soon,†“Sam was coloring his lambs pink, blue, yellow, green, lavender and turquoise, and you know – now he's the biggest lamb dyer in Texas. * * *
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A temperance reformer was conducting her campaign outside a saloon. As one man came out of the door exuding alcohol fumes, she put a hand on his arm, and said: “Reflect; if you arrive at the gates of Heaven with your breath reeking of liquor, do you think St. Peter will let you in?†“My good woman,†said the man, “when I go to Heaven I expect to leave my breath behind.†* * * *
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It was in Los Angeles that a drunk who wanted to go to El Paso climbed onto a bus that was about to leave and started to make a big nuisance of himself. After remonstrating with him for several minutes the driver lost his temper. “Okay, mister," he exclaimed, “You either quiet down, or this bus isn’t leaving for San Francisco tonight.†“San Francisco?†mumbled the drunk. “Lemme out of here. I don’t want no San Francisco bus.†He scrambled out the door, the driver of the bus turned and winked at his passengers and the bus left for El Paso. * * * *
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Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a doubledecker bus for a weekend trip to Louisiana . The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and the Blonde team rode on the top level. The Brunette team down below really whooped it up, having a great time, when one of them realized she hadn't heard anything from the Blondes upstairs. She decided to go up and investigate. When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the Blondes in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles. The brunette asked, 'What in the world is going on up here? We…
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A drunk asleep in a bar began to show signs of life, so one of the customers smeared a little limburger cheese on his upper lip. The drunk arose slowly and walked out of the door. In a few minutes he came back in. Then he went out again only to return in a few more minutes. Shaking his head in disgust, he said: “It’s no use—the whole world smells.†* * * *
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The football coach accompanied the fullback to the dean’s office to try to help him pass a test. The Dean gave him test after test, to no avail, and finally in desperation asked “How much is 6 and 6?†“Thirteen,†said the fullback. “Aw let him pass, Dean,†pleaded the coach. “He only missed it by two. * * * *
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The farmer was extremely near-sighted and had to get his head down close to his work to see what he was doing, as he milked the cow. The city visitor watched in astonishment and finally spoke up. “So that’s it,†he explained. I’ve often wondered what the word ‘pasteurized’ meant—never knew before that you had to get right down there where you could see every drop going past your eyes!†* * *
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Only in America... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance. Only in America... are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink. Only in America... do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front. Only in America... do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke. Only in America... do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters. Only in America... do they leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage. Only in America... do t…
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A Government official suggested the destruction of a big pile of old, unimportant and ragged records to make room for currant filing. The written proposal was submitted, and referred from one office and one official to another, in the usual routine, until quite a new file had been built up on it. Finally a dozen or more officials had approved destroying the old papers and at last the order came through to dispose of them as salvage. But the final authority had added this note: “Provided that copies are made of all papers destroyed.†* * * *
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A man shows up for his doctor's appointment with a piece of celery in each ear and a carrot in each of his nostrils. He says to the doctor, "Doc, I'm not feeling well." Whereupon the doctor replied, " Perhaps you're not eating right."
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