Sonny's Funnies
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In the early days of the West, a freighter stopped at a cabin owned by Sandy McQueen, a Scotsman who was starting a sheep ranch. After supper Sandy took up his bagpipe and tootled for a long and noisy hour on the instrument before, exhausted, he tossed it in corner.†“If tootin’ that danged thing wears you plumb out,†said the ear-tortured visitor, “why do you play it?†“It’s the only way I can keep the darn, smelly sheep from bedding down too close to the cabin,†said Sandy. * * * * snowyday
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10 Office Rules: 10. Never walk without a document -- People with documents look like hardworking employees headed to important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they're headed for the cafeteria. People with a newspaper in their hand look like they're headed for the toilet. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you really do. 9. Use computers to look busy -- Any time you use a computer, it looks like "work" to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal e-mail, chat and have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work. Thes…
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A farmer living in the New England States died very suddenly, and a distant relative who had come for the funeral was offering the widow his condolences. Finally he got to the point where he felt he could decently ask a burning question. “And what,†he said sweetly “did poor Henry leave?†“Leave?†snorted the widow, “He left the barn half painted, just as I often told him he’d do!†* * * snowyday
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Things You Read on T-Shirts: Due to budget cuts, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off. I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow is not looking good either. I love deadlines. I especially like the Whooshing sound as they go flying by. I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person. I Haven't Lost My Mind. It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it. THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE; 1) You believe in Santa Claus. 2) You don't believe in Santa Claus. 3) You become Santa Claus. 4) You start to look like Santa Claus. Some days you are the pigeon. …
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He sat fidgeting and nervous in the attorney’s waiting room. A clerk entered. “I say,†said the client, beckoning to him, “I have an appointment with the attorney at 10 o’clock. It’s about a legacy.†“And how long have you been waiting?†“Twenty years!†* * * * snowyday
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Tickle Me Elmo There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM. The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule. The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so bac…
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The throat specialist gazed in fascination at his new patient. He had seen massive women before, but none her equal. A little distrait because of his interest in her bulk, he studied her face, broad and calm, her ample bosom, her large, soft brown eyes. Then he murmured absent-mindedly: “Open your mouth please. Now say ‘Moo'.†* * * * snowyday
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Beer Sometimes when I reflect on all the beer I drink, I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. I think, "It is better to drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver." -- Babe Ruth An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools. -- Ernest Hemingway When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. -- Paul Hornung 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not. -- H.L. Mencken When w…
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The station inspector, new on the job and unknown along the line, was making his first tour of the road. One morning, he stepped into a waiting room of a country station and found it as cold as ice. Half a dozen patrons were huddled around a fireless stove. “Why hasn’t a fire been started?†the inspector demanded. One of the customers jerked his thumb in the direction of the agent’s office. “No use asking him. Says he’s too busy to build a fire.†The inspector stepped over to the agent’s window and asked him the reason for the cold stove. “Got no time for that,†snapped the agent. “This here freight’s gotta be billed and after…
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My karma ran over your dogma . A fool and his money are a girl's best friend. I'm not driving fast-just flying low. Help starve a feeding bureaucrat. My other vehicle is a Romulan Warbird! Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery . "I is a college student." If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you. Gravity- It's not just a good idea, it's the LAW! Why be difficult, when with a bit of effort, you can be impossible? Life is too complicated in the morning. All I want is less to do, more time to do it, and higher pay for not getting it done. The Schizophrenic: An Unauthorized Autobiography Nobody's perfect. I'm a Nobody…
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Little Eddie called at the door of a trusted neighbor, holding a large sack which contained, in his estimation, his most precious possessions – his marbles. In a businesslike manner, he said: “I want you to keep these for me, Mrs. Jones, until I call for them.†Mrs. Jones asked him why he didn't leave them at home. The lad replied: “I heard mother say this morning that she was going to make a marble cake for the School Mother’s Club, and I don’t want her to use any of my marbles. * * * * snowyday
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Little Eddie called at the door of a trusted neighbor, holding a large sack which contained, in his estimation, his most precious possessions – his marbles. In a businesslike manner, he said: “I want you to keep these for me, Mrs. Jones, until I call for them.†Mrs. Jones asked him why he did’nt leave them at home. The lad replied: “I heard mother say this morning that she was going to make a marble cake for the School Mother’s Club, and I don’t want her to use any of my marbles. * * * * snowyday
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1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't. 2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it. 3. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them. 4. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. 5. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive. 6. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me 7. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. 8. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe. 9. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing. 10. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. 11. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck- is-the-room- spinning medicine. 12…
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One of the neighbors is proud of her little boy’s scientific knowledge and likes to show him off in front of our bridge club. One afternoon she asked her poor man’s quiz kid: Bobby, what does it mean when steam comes out of the spout of the teakettle?†“It means,†said Bobby, “that you are going to open one of Daddy’s letters.†* * * * snowyday
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Thoughts for Today Birds of a feather flock together . . . .and then sh*t on your car. A penny saved is a government oversight. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement .. He who hesitates is probably right. Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame. The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble. Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 w…
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Two N. C. & St. L. brakemen were exchanging hunting experiences: Did I ever tell you about the spunky rabbits we had down home†said the first. “You could walk right up to one, thinking you could pick him up, and WHAM, he’d kick you so hard you’d think you’d tackled the rear end of a mule.†That’s nothing, compared with the spunk of the squirrels in my parts,†replied the second. “One day I shot a squirrel right in the mouth and knocked all his teeth out. Next day I was hunting on the same hill and came upon this same squirrel, and do you know what he was doing? Cracking hickory nuts with a rock.†* * * * snowyday
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Rodney: “And now doctor, since I’ve told you I am going to marry Jane, there’s something I want to get off my chest.†Doctor: “You just tell me about it, my boy.†Rodney: It’s a tattooed heart with the name Mabel on it. * * * * snowyday
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The school visitor was putting questions to a class of boys. He nodded to a little fellow with curly black hair. “Do you know the Ten Commandments?†he asked. “No sir,†said the boy. “What!†You don’t know the Ten Commandments? What’s your name?†“Moses,†said the boy. * * * * snowyday
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The Husband Store ... A store that sells new husbands has opened in Manchester, just off Elm Street where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates: You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs She is intrigue…
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Old Jackson is terribly tight. Someone ought to tell him he won’t be able to take it with him when he dies.’ “Listen, old man. If Jackson can’t take it with him, he won’t go!†* * * * snowyday
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An elderly couple had been experiencing declining memories, so they decided to take a power memory class where one is taught to remember things by association. A few days after the class, the old man was outside talking with his neighbor about how much the class helped him. "What was the name of the Instructor?" asked the neighbor. "Oh, ummmm, let's see," the old man pondered. "You know that flower, you know, the one that smells really nice but has those prickly thorns, what's that flower's name?" "A rose?" asked the neighbor. "Yes, that's it," replied the old man. He then turned toward his house and shouted, "Hey, Rose, what's the name of the Instructor we…
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Jones – How did old Joe lose the fingers of his right hand? Smith – He put them in the horse’s mouth to see how many teeth he had. Jones- And then what happened? Smith – The horse closed his mouth to see how many fingers Joe had. * * * * snowyday
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Electric Train A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks." The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language." Two hou…
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Hearing a crash on the platform, the agent dashed out. He was just in time to see the tail end of the train vanish from sight, while a very, disheveled young man lay flat on his face, surrounded by upset milk cans and the contents of his suitcase. “Was he trying to catch the train?†the agent asked a small boy. “He did catch it,†replied the lad cheerfully. “But it got away again!†* * * * snowyday
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Thanks to my friend Tom Talbert (from the old 35th TCS/TAS) for sending this to me. Teens have theirs, now seniors have their own texting codes (LOL OMG e.g.). I thought the following listing was appropriate ... after all the kids have all their little codes...like BFF, LOL, etc. So here are some codes for seniors: * ATD - At the Doctor's * BFF - Best Friends Funeral * BTW - Bring the Wheelchair * BYOT - Bring Your Own Teeth * CBM - Covered by Medicare * CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center * DWI - Driving While Incontinent * FWBB - Friend with Beta Blockers * FWIW - Forgot Where I Was * FYI -…
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