Sonny's Funnies
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WOMEN OVER 50 As I grow in age, I value women over 50 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why: A woman over 50 will never wake you in the middle of the night and ask, 'What are you thinking?' She doesn't care what you think. If a woman over 50 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do, and it's usually more interesting. Women over 50 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get away with it. Older women are generous with pra…
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Redneck Medical Terms Benign - What you be, after you be eight. Artery - The study of paintings Bacteria - Back door to cafeteria Barium - what doctors do when patients die Cesarean section - a neighborhood in Rome Cat scan - searching for kitty Cauterize - made eye contact with her Colic - a sheep dog coma- a punctuation mark D & C - Where Washington is Dilate - to live long Enema - Not a friend Fester - quicker than someone else Fibula - a small lie Genital - a non-Jewish person GI series - world series of military baseball Hangnail - what you hang your coat on Impotent - distinguished, well-known Labor pain - getting hurt at work medical staff…
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Hazardous Materials Data Sheet
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SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet. FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle. ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling. SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet. FAULT: Improper bladder control. ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training. SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless. FAULT: Glass empty. ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer. SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights. FAULT: You have fallen over backward. ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar. SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts. FAULT: You have fallen forward. ACTION: See above. SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet. FAULT:…
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Seven Dwarves
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A 1st grade school teacher had twenty-six students in her class. She presented each child in her classroom the 1st half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading, keep in mind that these are first-graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic! 1. Don't change horses until they stop running. 2. Strike while the bug is close. 3. It's always darkest before Daylight Saving Time. 4. Never underestimate the power of termites. 5. You can lead a horse to water but How? 6. Don't bite the hand that looks dirt…
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A man was talking long distance on the telephone and he was having great trouble in making the party at the other end of the line understand his name. “My name is Jitcob,†he shouted into the phone. “I didn’t catch it,†was the reply at the other end. “Jitcob,†again came the shout. “Eh?†“Jitcob!†roared the first man. J-I-T-C-O-B! J as in Arkansas, I as in head, T as in China, C as in look, O as in circle, and B as in hive!†* * * * snowyday
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HOLY HUMOR
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HOLY HUMOR A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, I know what the Bible means!" His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means? The son replied, "I do know!" "Okay," said his father. "What does the Bible mean?" "That's easy, Daddy..." the young boy replied excitedly " It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth' -------------- There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country. "Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk. "Only the Ten Commandments." answered the lady. ======== "Somebody has said the…
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DAMITOL D A M N I T O L - Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours. ST. M O M M A'S W O R T - Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days. E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N - Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out. P E P T O B I M B O - Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception. D U M B E R O L - When taken with Peptobimbo, can caus…
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The small one was saying his evening prayer. Mother listened attentively while he went through the usual list of objects meriting divine favor – every cousin, playmate and animal he could think of. Then, suddenly, just before the Amen he inserted an ad lib. “And God, please make Daddy smell nice.†Mother’s head snapped back. “Make Daddy smell nice! Why pray for such a thing?†“Because tonight when you were arguing at the supper table,†responded the child, “I heard you call him a stinker.†* * * * snowyday
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A bus stops and 2 men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following: "Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more! Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time." The lady can't take this any more, "You foul-mouthed sex-obsessed pig," she retorted indignantly. "In this country we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives." "Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my…
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A small boy sat down to breakfast one morning when as usual, eggs were served. The boy surveyed them grimly for a moment and then said. “I wish to goodness hens would lay something besides eggs.†* * * * snowyday
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No sex since 1955 A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation. "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?" "Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature." The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action." "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action." The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a littl…
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A husband wrote the following letter for his wife and left it on the dining room table: 'To My Dear Wife, You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter I hope you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18-year-old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset - I shall be back home before midnight.' When the man came home late that night he found the following letter on the dining room table: To My Dear Husband, I received your letter and thank …
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Editor Horace Greeley possessed a handwriting which was well nigh illegible. One morning he found in the mail a poem from a female contributor. It was so unimaginative that Greeley was prompted to write the lady, in his own hand, a long letter of sharp criticism. This done, he dismissed the matter from his mind. Several days later, he received a reply from the aspiring poetess. It had taken a little time to decipher his scrawl, she explained, but having succeeded at last, she was happy to inform him that she had decided to accept his offer of marriage. * * * * snowyday
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WORK
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The 11th Husband A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin". "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times.?" "Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be. "Husband # 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was suppose to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me. "Husband # 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up. "Husban…
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Disorder In The Court Things people actually said in court, word for word: Q: What is your date of birth? A: July fifteenth. Q: What year? A: Every year. Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. Q: This myasthenia gravis-does it affect your memory at all? A: Yes. Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory? A: I forget. Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten? Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to? A: Oral. Q: How old is your son-the one living with you? A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. Q: How l…
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A Cambridge resident reports that he made a tour through the new Graduate Center at Harvard as the workmen were finishing up and noted in passing that to each of the pneumatic door-closers was riveted a small metal plaque stamped, “Yale.†When the Center was formally opened recently, the Cambridge man made a second tour of the premises, and noted in passing that the plaques had been unriveted and removed. 4 Jan 1951 * * * *
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In filling out an application for a factory job, a man puzzled for a long time over the question, “Person to notify in case of accident.†Finally he wrote: “Anybody in sight.†* * * * snowyday
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Mandy hauled Amos into court because he insisted on keeping the pigs in the living room. “Why, the air ain’t fit to breathe,†she complained. “Why don’t you leave the windows open?†asked the judge. “We can’t do that,†replied Mandy, “the chickens would fly out.†* * * * snowyday
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A doctor in want of a strong lad, advertised to that effect, and being a ventriloquist, adopted the following grim ruse to test the nerves of the applicants. The first, a great hulking lad, he sent with a bowl of hot soup to feed a skeleton he had in a dark closet. During the process of feeding, the skeleton observed in a deep voice: It’s sure hot.†The boy’s hair stood on end. He dropped the bowl and fled in terror. The second applicant, a small bushy-haired lad, had to go through the same ordeal: but when the skeleton made his remark, he replied unconcernedly, “I could have told you that. Blow on it you fool.†He got the job. * * * * sn…
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Alfred E. Smith used to enjoy showing visitors to New York, and the Empire State Building. One day, while leading a group, he had to cope with a woman who continually asked irrelevant questions. Smith answered all of them patiently, but when toward the end of the tour, while going down in the elevator, the lady asked: “Suppose the elevator cables would break, would we go up or down?†The ex-governor could stand it no longer. “That, my dear woman,†he snapped, “depends entirely upon the kind of life you’ve been leading.†* * * * snowyday
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Man-Woman
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He was going home and it was dark. His road from the station was a lonely one and he was hurrying along as fast as he could when he realized suddenly that a man behind was following him purposely. The faster he went the faster the man followed until they came to a cemetery. “Now.†He said to himself, I’ll find out if he’s after me,†and entered the cemetery. The man followed him. He circled a grave and his pursuer dodged after him. He crawled under a hedge. Still the man was after him. At last he turned and faced the fellow. “What do you want? What are you following me for?†“Well, sir, it’s like this. I’m going to Mr. Brown’s house …
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