Sonny's Funnies
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The class composition was about “Kings.†One boy wrote this: “The most powerful king on earth is Wor-king; the laziest, Shir-king; the wittiest, Jo-king; the quietest, Thin-king; the thirstiest, Drin-king; the shyest, Win-king, and the noisiest, Tal-king. * * * *
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She was pretty and ambitious and had studied the matrimonial problem to a nicety. “Yes. I suppose, I shall wed eventually.†She said, “but the only kind of masculine nuisance that will suit me must be tall and dark, with classical features. He must be brave, yet gentle. He must be strong—a lion among men, but a knight among women. That evening a bow-legged, lath-framed chinless youth, wearing flannel baggies and smoking a cigarette that smelt worse than a burning boot, rattled on the back door and the girl knocked four tumblers and a cut glass dish off the sideboard in her haste to let him in. * * * * snowyday
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“So because of her you gave up drinking and smoking?†“Yes.†“And you never play billiards or cards?†“Exactly.†“Then why didn’t you marry her?†“Because I was so reformed that I saw I could do much better!†* * * * snowyday
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They had just emerged from an air-raid shelter. Said the girl. “Herbert, you really shouldn’t have kissed me like that, with all those people around us, even if it was dark.†“I didn’t kiss you,†said Herbert looking angrily around the crowd. “I only wish to know who it was — I’d teach him.†“Herbert,†sighed the girl, “you couldn’t teach him anything.†* * * * snowyday
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Eastern boy (in Oregon): It makes me sick to hear some of your idiotic western names. The idea of calling a town “Wagontire!†Western boy: “It isn’t a nice name. I agree, and if we ever change it I will let you know at once.†Eastern boy: “I wish you would.†Western boy: “Where shall I address you?†Eastern boy: At “Horsehead†New York.†* * * * snowyday
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An undertaker found a donkey lying dead in his back yard and went to inform the police. “What shall I do with it?†he asked the police officer in charge. “Do with it? Bury it of course,†said the officer, laughing. “You’re an undertaker aren’t you?†“Certainly I am,†replied the undertaker. “But I thought it my duty to come around and inform the relatives first.†* * * * snowyday
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Standing on the dock, Patrick bade farewell to his son, who was sailing away to the new world to seek his fortune. “Michael, my boy,†he admonished, “remember the three bones and ye’ll get ahead all right.†When the young man had departed, a stranger who had overheard the remark asked Patrick to explain what he meant by the three bones. “Sure now,†replied the canny Irishman, “and wouldn’t that be the wishbone, the jawbone and the backbone? It’s the wishbone that keeps you wanting the good things of life, and it’s the jawbone that helps you to find out how to go after them, if you’re not too proud to ask questions, and it’s t…
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A little man came into the office of a psychiatrist: Little Man (very timidly): I was wondering if you couldn’t split my personality for me. Doctor (looking puzzled): Split your personality? Why would you want that done? Little Man (with tears tumbling down his cheeks): Oh, doctor! I’m so lonesome. * * * * snowyday
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This is the season of weather stories. Which brings to mind the mighty winds which range the great open spaces of Oklahoma. Out there the wind blows so hard that the boys often use it to ride to town on. They stand out in the road and hold up their big hats like sails, and the next thing they know the breeze has set them down in front of the courthouse. Sometimes it turns wells inside out and spills water over seventeen counties. One day a visitor noticed a log-chain hanging from a limb near a lonely cabin. He asked the settler what purpose it serves. “Well, stranger,†the man replied, “when I wake up in the morning I peek through a crack…
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Johnny heard in class one morning an explanation of the dogmas of fascism, communism and nazism, and seemed interested. “Now, Johnny,†said the teacher, when his explanation had ended. What would you do with all these isms?†“I’d make them into wasms,†was his prompt and wise reply.†* * * * snowyday
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An easterner wandering through the Arkansas foothills encountered a native carrying a dead rabbit. He didn’t see any weapon, so he asked, “What did you kill that rabbit with—a rifle?†“Nope,†was the reply. “A shot-gun?†“Nope.†“A sling-shot?†“Nope.†“Then tell me how you got him.†Insisted the Easterner. “Wal, stranger,†the native replied, “it’s kind of a trade-secret, but I don’t mind tellin’ ye. We hez run out o’ ammunition, so what we hez done hez been to paint big black spots on the end o’ the logs hereabouts. When we wants rabbits we sends the dawgs into the bresh to stir ‘em up. When th…
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The traveler in the railway carriage had eaten a large pastry with gusto. A few moments later he was doubled up with pain, and a sympathetic fellow-traveler asked if he could help. “No thanks,†came the reply. “My wife put some nuts in that pastry and forgot to shell them!†“Great Scot!†exclaimed the fellow-traveler, and you can crack them by just bending your body?†* * * * snowyday
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I see your mule has U.S. branded on his hindquarters. Was he in the Army? “No, sir, that U.S. don’t stand for ‘Uncle Sam’; it means ‘Unsafe.’’. * * * * snowyday
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On a busy day a woman walked into the office of the court room in Atlanta, Georgia and addressing Judge Blank, said: “Are you the reprobate judge?†“I am the probate judge.†“That is what I was saying,†she said, “and I have come to you because I am in trouble. My husband was studying to be a minister at a college seminary, and he died detested and left three little infields, and I have come to be appointed their executioner.†* * * * snowyday
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The scene was the interior of a saloon in the Far West, and round the table were gathered as tough a gang as could be found in the whole of California. The game was fast and furious, the stakes were high. Suddenly the dealer flung his cards on the table and threateningly pulled out his six-gun. “Boys,†he shouted, “the game ain’t a straight one! Slippery Sam ain’t playing the hand I dealt him. * * * * snowyday
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Oswald was in his most sentimental and extravagant mood. He was writing a letter to his sweetheart. Dearest Annabella, he wrote, I would swim the mighty ocean for one glance from your eyes. I would walk through a wall of flame for one touch of your tiny hands. I would leap the wildest river for a word from your lovely lips. Your own Oswald. P.S. I’ll be over on Saturday night if it doesn’t rain. * * * * snowyday
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A man was boasting to a neighbor who had lived in the same block of flats that he had kissed every woman in the building but one. The neighbor, boiling with jealousy, went straight home and reported the story to his wife, saying, with a suspicious glance: I wonder, Maggie, who the woman is that he hasn’t kissed? Oh, was the reply, I suppose it will be that stuck-up Mrs. MacIntosh on the third floor. * * * * snowyday
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Joe was proud of his golf and that morning he had brought his mother-in-law along to watch him play. “I’m particularly anxious to make a long drive just now,†he said to his friend. “There’s my mother-in-law over there and ‘I—“ “Don’t be a foul,†snapped the other. “You’ll never hit her at this distance.†* * * * snowyday
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But, Doctor, â€said the worried patient, “are you sure I’ll pull through? I’ve heard of cases where the doctor made the wrong diagnosis, and treated someone for pneumonia who has afterward died of typhoid fever.†“Nonsense,†sputtered the affronted physician. “When I treat a patient for pneumonia, he dies of pneumonia.†* * * * snowyday
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Comedians' Best Lines "I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was, 'You'll never find anyone like me again!' I'm thinking, 'I should hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you?' --Larry Miller "A woman broke up with me and sent me pictures of her and her new boyfriend in bed together. Solution? I sent them to her dad." --Christopher Case "Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp." --Bo…
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In Kentucky, where men pride themselves on their ability to recognize good whisky, they tell a story to illustrate the art. Two Bluegrass senators sat down to sample a barrel of bourbon. “Mighty fine licker,†allowed one senator tentatively. After rolling it over on his tongue, he added: “But there’s something in that barrel that gives it a slight metallic taste.†The other senator took a dipperful, disagreed. “It’s a slight leathery taste.†He said. Laying a wager as to which is right they kept dipping until the barrel was empty, then turned it over to see what was in it. Out dropped a leather-headed tack. * * * * snowyday
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A kind old gentleman was strolling down the street when he saw a small boy standing on the front steps of a house, trying to reach the doorbell. The small boy stood on tiptoe, and even jumped up as high as he could, but he was unable to reach the bell. The kind old gentleman went up the steps, rang the bell, and said: Well, my little man, now what?†“I don’t know what you’re going to do,†said the little man, “but, I’m going to run like the dickens!†* * * * snowyday
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Q. What's the difference between a man and E.T.? A. E.T. phoned home. Q. How do men get exercise at the beach? A. By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini. Q. What's a man's idea of helping with the housework? A. Lifting his legs so you can vacuum. Q. Why are all dumb blond jokes one liners? A. So men can understand them. Q. How do women define a 50/50 relationship? A. We cook/they eat; We clean/they dirty; We iron/ they wrinkle. Q. What is the difference between government bonds and men? A. Government bonds mature. Q. How are men like noodles? A. They are always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough. Q. Why is psy…
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from a 1946 newspaper After a shipwreck, a doctor, a preacher and a lawyer found themselves in a row-boat without oars. They came in sight of an island, but their only hope of landing was for someone to go over the side through the shark-infested sea and tow the boat to land. Lots were drawn, and it fell to the lawyer. When he slipped over the side the sharks divided, and made an avenue for him. “An answer to prayer,†said the parson. “No, no, just professional courtesy,†commented the doctor. * * * * from a 1943 newspaper snowyday
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“Why can’t you ever plow a straight furrow?†demanded the farmer of his new hired hand. “I keep telling you to keep your eyes on an object in the next field and make straight for it.†“That’s exactly what I do,†complained the man, “but the cow that I’m fixed on keeps moving about.†* * * * snowyday
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