Sonny's Funnies
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The young man wrapped his arms around the pretty girl. “My darling,’ he breathed “you’re all the world to me. I don’t know what I’d do without you. I love----- At that moment, the doorbell rang. The girl jumped up. It’s my fiancé,†she gasped. “You must leave at once. Oh, hurry.†The young man looked around nervously. “But how am I going to leave?†he asked anxiously. “I can’t go out by the door. Your fiancé would see me.†The girl thought quickly. “Jump out of the window,†she advised. “But we’re on the thirteenth floor.†The girl stamped her foot. “So what?†she rasped. “At this stage are you goi…
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THINGS MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME 1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning." 2. My mother taught me RELIGION. "You better pray that will come out of the carpet." 3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you Into the middle of next week!" 4. My mother taught me LOGIC. " Because I said so, that's why." 5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC. "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, You're not …
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John Deere Tractor
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They tell a story about Mark Twain who was visiting at a neighbor’s home. He picked up an interesting book and asked the friend if he could read it. “You’re welcome to it, but I must ask you to read it here,†the neighbor said. “I make it a rule never to let any book out of my library.†Later in the summer, the same neighbor wanted to borrow Twain’s lawnmower. “You’re welcome to it,†Twain said. “But I must ask you to use it here. I make it a rule never to let my lawnmower out of the yard. * * * * snowyday
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And then there was the man who, after twenty-odd years, was finally being released, cured, from a mental institution. The great day dawned. His going-away clothes laid out, he stood shaving. At the precise moment that he bent down to rinse his razor, the mirror over the washstand took leave of it’s moorings, slid to the basin, and bounced on the floor. Straightening, the chap gazed at the expanse of blank wall, then threw his razor down and started shaking clenched fists. Tears streaming down his face, he sobbed: “Look what I’ve gone and done! Half my life I’ve spent in this place, and the day I get out. I have to go and cut my head of…
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The woman sitting in the specialist’s waiting room was portly. At a summons from an attendant, she arose and waddled into the specialist’s sanctum. The doctor threw up his hands in horror. My good woman!†he exclaimed, “you are stouter than ever! Have you been following the treatment I prescribed? Are you quite sure you ate exactly what I ordered?†“Everything,†replied the patient. “And nothing else?†“Nothing whatever,†she replied. “Except of course, my regular meals.†* * * * snowyday
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Accompanied by a driver, an American major in a motor vehicle was stopped by the sentry on guard at a cross-road. “Who goes there?†“One American major, one-ton truck of fertilizer and one buck private.†They were allowed to proceed, but at every cross-road they went through the same formula. After a time the driver asked if they were likely to be stopped again. “I guess so,†replied the major. “Well, major,†said the private, “the next time we are stopped would you mind giving me priority over the fertilizer?†* * * snowyday
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A big business tycoon appeared at his office one morning complaining of a violent headache. His staff gathered around him to sympathize, and a junior clerk volunteered the following: “I had a terrible headache not long ago, but it didn’t last long. My wife pulled me over on the sofa with her and gave me a great big kiss. Believe it or not, the pain disappeared immediately.†The sufferer reached for his hat. I’ve tried everything else,†he moaned. “Is your wife home now?†* * * * snowyday
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Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France . Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.. And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese?…
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You know you're getting old... ________________________________________ 1. You and your teeth don't sleep together. 2. Your try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren't wearing any. 3. At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and you're not eating cereal. 4. Your back goes out but you stay home. 5. When you wake up looking like your driver's license picture. 6. It takes two tries to get up from the couch. 7. When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio. 8. When happy hour is a nap. 9. When you're on vacation and your ENERGY runs out before your money does. 10. When you say something to your kids t…
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“I hear you sold your pig.†“Yep, sold him this morning.†“What did you get for him?†“Eight dollars.†“What did it cost you to raise him?†“Paid $3 for him and $5 for feed.†“Didn’t make much, did he?†“Nope, but I had his company all fall.†* * * * snowyday
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In the house of a certain ancient family in Teviotdale in Scotland, it was the custom to place in the sleeping apartment of each guest a Bible, along with a bottle of strong ale. Now it happened that on one occasion a number of clergymen spent the night there, and, following another custom, several of the reverend gentlemen were lodged together in one large barrack room. The butler took care that each of the divines was presented with a Bible and a bottle of ale. The servant had scarcely left the room when a whispered conference was held, and he was quickly recalled to the chamber. “My friend,†one of the venerable gentlemen said to him, “…
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Christmas Remote Control
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Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America ,Kentuckians, Tennesseans, OKies, Texans, and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as 'HILLBILLIES.' You must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS . And furthermore HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT: 1. She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK' - She is a ' BREASTED AMERICAN.' 2. She is not ' EASY ' - She is 'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.' 3. She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE' - She is a 'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.' 4. She has not 'BEEN AROUND' - She is a 'PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.' 5. She does not 'NAG' you - She becomes ' VE…
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At the weigh-in of the two fighters. Punch-Pixied Pete was found to be an ounce overweight. His manager moaned: “What’ll we do, Pete?†Then brightening, he exclaimed: “I know! We’ll have your teeth pulled. That’ll lighten you up an ounce!†“Dirty double-crosser!†bellowed Pete’s opponent, Numb-Knuckle Newcomb. I want to knock ‘em out tomorrow night!†* * * * snowyday
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Some years ago a certain young man filled with the pioneering spirit was attracted by the offer of free land in northwestern Ontario. He put his meager capital in his pocket, flung a pack over his shoulder, and fared forth to the promised land. There he found temporary shelter in the home of an old settler. After supper his hospitable host threw some bones to his dog. The animal instantly seized the biggest bone, wheeled about, and raced down the valley and over the mountain and out of sight. What’s the matter with that dog?†asked the visitor. “He’s gone to bury a bone, I guess,†the old settler replied. “But he’s miles away and running like an…
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Mission: Go to GAP, Buy a Pair of Jeans
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Zeke was dead. A wonderful funeral was in progress. The preacher talked at length of the good traits of the deceased brother, what an honest man he was, what a good provider he was, what a loving husband and a kind father. At length the widow whispered to one of her offspring: “Go up thar and take a look in that coffin and see if that’s your pa.†* * * * snowyday
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I just want to thank all of you for your educational emails over the past year. Thanks to you, I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel. I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the channels. I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed. I can't enjoy lemon slices in my tea or on my seafood anymore because lemon peels have been found to contain all kinds of nasty germs including feces. I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime w…
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You Know You're Getting Old When... You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it. You can live without sex, but not without glasses. Your back goes out more than you do. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room. You buy a compass for the dash of your car. You are proud of your lawn mower. Your best friend is dating someone half their age... And isn't breaking any laws. Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper. You sing along with the elevator music. You would rather go to work than stay home sick. You enjoy hearing about other peo…
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A sergeant was asking some recruits why walnut was used for the butt of a rifle. “Because it has more resistance.†Said one man. “Wrong.†“Because it is more elastic.†“Wrong.†“Perhaps it’s because it looks nicer than any other wood,†volunteered another, timidly. “Don’t be stupid,†snapped the sergeant. “It’s simply because it was laid down in Regulations.†* * * * snowyday
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The visitor was from the hills of Kentucky and he was in California. His host had taken him to the beach to see the ocean, and as they gazed out across the wide expanse of water the host said: “Look at that beautiful ocean. See how those huge waves come rolling in.†What do you think of it?†“Well,†drawled the unimpressed visitor, “is that all it does?†* * * * snowyday
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The great liner was laboring in a heavy sea, but the captain assured his passengers that there was really no great danger. But one mousy little fellow persisted in inquiring again and again. “Are you sure we’re not going to sink, captain?†At last the captain lost his temper and demanded. “What are you – a coward?†“Not at all,†the little man assured him. “I’m not the least bit afraid.†“Then,†said the captain, “you must want to tell your friend good-bye before we go down.†“No, no, it’s not that!†the mousy little passenger protested. “Then, in Heaven’s name, why do you ask me every five minutes if we’re going t…
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The big business man had died and gone to – well, not to Heaven. But hardly had he settled down for a nice long smoke when a hearty hand slapped him on the back, and into his ear boomed the voice of a persistent salesman who had pestered him on earth. “Well, Mr. Smith,†chortled the salesman. “I’m here for the appointment.†“What appointment?†“Why don’t you remember?†the salesman went on. Every time I entered your office on earth you told me you’d see me here!†* * * * snowyday
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Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Born and bread in Minnesota , Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his …
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