Sonny's Funnies
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A well known actor with a caustic wit was having a quarrel with his wife. After a particularly biting remark, she burst into tears and said: How can you treat me like this when I’ve given you the seven best years of my life!†“Good Heavens,†replied the husband, “were those your best?†* * * *
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The teacher had recited “The Landing of the Pilgrims.†Then she requested each pupil to draw from his or her imagination a picture of Plymouth Rock. Most of them went to work at once, but one little fellow hesitated and at length raised his hand. “Well, Willie, what is it?†asked the teacher. “Please, ma’am, do you want us to draw a hen or a rooster?†* * * *
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The courtroom reporters who saw Harry Hershfield at the Alger Hiss trial told of the Vera Stretz murder trial which was covered by Hershfield. Miss Stretz had shot her Teuton lover, whose body showed five bullet wounds. She was defended by Samuel Leibowitz and acquitted . . . Her plea was self-defense. And when, during a recess, the presiding judge, Cornelius Collins, asked the reporters: “How could a woman shoot five times, and then say it’s self-defense?†. . . “Maybe,†suggested Hershfield, she was hard of hearing.†* * * *
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A man walked into a restaurant and left the door open. A big fat man called out, shut that door, were you brought up in a barn. The man closed the door, went to a table, sat down and began to cry. At which the fat man looked uncomfortable and went over to the sorrowful one. Said he, “I’m sorry, I didn’t intend to hurt your feelings. I just wanted you to close the door.†I’m not crying because you hurt my feelings was the reply, but the fact is, I was brought up in a barn, and every time I here an ass bray, it makes me feel homesick. * * * *
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Little Sophia was heartbroken when her pet canary died, and to pacify her, father gave her an empty cigar box, and, with much ceremony, assisted in burying the box in the garden. Daddy, whispered Sophia after the funeral was over, will my dear little birdie go to heaven? I expect so, replied the father, why? I was only thinking, murmured the youngster, how cross St. Peter will be when he opens the box and finds it isn’t cigars after all. * * * *
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The parson was engaged in a small job of home carpentry, and not doing so well. Presently Willie, the boy next door, came over to watch him. The parson was pleased and encouraged. “Willie,†he said, “are you watching to see how I do it?†“Naw,†replied Willie. I’m waiting to hear what you say when you mash your thumb.†* * *
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The class composition was about “Kings.†One boy wrote this: “The most powerful king on earth is Wor-king; the laziest, Shir-king; the wittiest, Jo-king; the quietest, Thin-king; the thirstiest, Drin-king; the shyest, Win-king, and the noisiest, Tal-king. * * * *
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She was pretty and ambitious and had studied the matrimonial problem to a nicety. “Yes. I suppose, I shall wed eventually.†She said, “but the only kind of masculine nuisance that will suit me must be tall and dark, with classical features. He must be brave, yet gentle. He must be strong—a lion among men, but a knight among women. That evening a bow-legged, lath-framed chinless youth, wearing flannel baggies and smoking a cigarette that smelt worse than a burning boot, rattled on the back door and the girl knocked four tumblers and a cut glass dish off the sideboard in her haste to let him in. * * * * snowyday
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“So because of her you gave up drinking and smoking?†“Yes.†“And you never play billiards or cards?†“Exactly.†“Then why didn’t you marry her?†“Because I was so reformed that I saw I could do much better!†* * * * snowyday
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They had just emerged from an air-raid shelter. Said the girl. “Herbert, you really shouldn’t have kissed me like that, with all those people around us, even if it was dark.†“I didn’t kiss you,†said Herbert looking angrily around the crowd. “I only wish to know who it was — I’d teach him.†“Herbert,†sighed the girl, “you couldn’t teach him anything.†* * * * snowyday
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Eastern boy (in Oregon): It makes me sick to hear some of your idiotic western names. The idea of calling a town “Wagontire!†Western boy: “It isn’t a nice name. I agree, and if we ever change it I will let you know at once.†Eastern boy: “I wish you would.†Western boy: “Where shall I address you?†Eastern boy: At “Horsehead†New York.†* * * * snowyday
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An undertaker found a donkey lying dead in his back yard and went to inform the police. “What shall I do with it?†he asked the police officer in charge. “Do with it? Bury it of course,†said the officer, laughing. “You’re an undertaker aren’t you?†“Certainly I am,†replied the undertaker. “But I thought it my duty to come around and inform the relatives first.†* * * * snowyday
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Standing on the dock, Patrick bade farewell to his son, who was sailing away to the new world to seek his fortune. “Michael, my boy,†he admonished, “remember the three bones and ye’ll get ahead all right.†When the young man had departed, a stranger who had overheard the remark asked Patrick to explain what he meant by the three bones. “Sure now,†replied the canny Irishman, “and wouldn’t that be the wishbone, the jawbone and the backbone? It’s the wishbone that keeps you wanting the good things of life, and it’s the jawbone that helps you to find out how to go after them, if you’re not too proud to ask questions, and it’s t…
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A little man came into the office of a psychiatrist: Little Man (very timidly): I was wondering if you couldn’t split my personality for me. Doctor (looking puzzled): Split your personality? Why would you want that done? Little Man (with tears tumbling down his cheeks): Oh, doctor! I’m so lonesome. * * * * snowyday
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This is the season of weather stories. Which brings to mind the mighty winds which range the great open spaces of Oklahoma. Out there the wind blows so hard that the boys often use it to ride to town on. They stand out in the road and hold up their big hats like sails, and the next thing they know the breeze has set them down in front of the courthouse. Sometimes it turns wells inside out and spills water over seventeen counties. One day a visitor noticed a log-chain hanging from a limb near a lonely cabin. He asked the settler what purpose it serves. “Well, stranger,†the man replied, “when I wake up in the morning I peek through a crack…
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Johnny heard in class one morning an explanation of the dogmas of fascism, communism and nazism, and seemed interested. “Now, Johnny,†said the teacher, when his explanation had ended. What would you do with all these isms?†“I’d make them into wasms,†was his prompt and wise reply.†* * * * snowyday
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An easterner wandering through the Arkansas foothills encountered a native carrying a dead rabbit. He didn’t see any weapon, so he asked, “What did you kill that rabbit with—a rifle?†“Nope,†was the reply. “A shot-gun?†“Nope.†“A sling-shot?†“Nope.†“Then tell me how you got him.†Insisted the Easterner. “Wal, stranger,†the native replied, “it’s kind of a trade-secret, but I don’t mind tellin’ ye. We hez run out o’ ammunition, so what we hez done hez been to paint big black spots on the end o’ the logs hereabouts. When we wants rabbits we sends the dawgs into the bresh to stir ‘em up. When th…
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The traveler in the railway carriage had eaten a large pastry with gusto. A few moments later he was doubled up with pain, and a sympathetic fellow-traveler asked if he could help. “No thanks,†came the reply. “My wife put some nuts in that pastry and forgot to shell them!†“Great Scot!†exclaimed the fellow-traveler, and you can crack them by just bending your body?†* * * * snowyday
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I see your mule has U.S. branded on his hindquarters. Was he in the Army? “No, sir, that U.S. don’t stand for ‘Uncle Sam’; it means ‘Unsafe.’’. * * * * snowyday
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On a busy day a woman walked into the office of the court room in Atlanta, Georgia and addressing Judge Blank, said: “Are you the reprobate judge?†“I am the probate judge.†“That is what I was saying,†she said, “and I have come to you because I am in trouble. My husband was studying to be a minister at a college seminary, and he died detested and left three little infields, and I have come to be appointed their executioner.†* * * * snowyday
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The scene was the interior of a saloon in the Far West, and round the table were gathered as tough a gang as could be found in the whole of California. The game was fast and furious, the stakes were high. Suddenly the dealer flung his cards on the table and threateningly pulled out his six-gun. “Boys,†he shouted, “the game ain’t a straight one! Slippery Sam ain’t playing the hand I dealt him. * * * * snowyday
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Oswald was in his most sentimental and extravagant mood. He was writing a letter to his sweetheart. Dearest Annabella, he wrote, I would swim the mighty ocean for one glance from your eyes. I would walk through a wall of flame for one touch of your tiny hands. I would leap the wildest river for a word from your lovely lips. Your own Oswald. P.S. I’ll be over on Saturday night if it doesn’t rain. * * * * snowyday
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A man was boasting to a neighbor who had lived in the same block of flats that he had kissed every woman in the building but one. The neighbor, boiling with jealousy, went straight home and reported the story to his wife, saying, with a suspicious glance: I wonder, Maggie, who the woman is that he hasn’t kissed? Oh, was the reply, I suppose it will be that stuck-up Mrs. MacIntosh on the third floor. * * * * snowyday
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Joe was proud of his golf and that morning he had brought his mother-in-law along to watch him play. “I’m particularly anxious to make a long drive just now,†he said to his friend. “There’s my mother-in-law over there and ‘I—“ “Don’t be a foul,†snapped the other. “You’ll never hit her at this distance.†* * * * snowyday
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But, Doctor, â€said the worried patient, “are you sure I’ll pull through? I’ve heard of cases where the doctor made the wrong diagnosis, and treated someone for pneumonia who has afterward died of typhoid fever.†“Nonsense,†sputtered the affronted physician. “When I treat a patient for pneumonia, he dies of pneumonia.†* * * * snowyday
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