Sonny's Funnies
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Last reply by fltsload, -
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Two distillers of Tennessee moonshine were discussing their operation. “When I take my stuff into town,†one of them explained. "Ah always drive mighty slow – ‘bout 20 miles an hour.†“Skeered o’ the law†the other jeered. “Nope,†retorted the first. “Ye gotta age that stuff, hain’t ye?†* * * *
Last reply by snowyday, -
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Air Force Christmas Party TO: ALL SQUADRON MEMBERS I'm happy to inform you that the Squadron Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. There will be lots of spiked eggnog and a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our Commander shows up dressed as Santa Claus to light the Christmas tree! Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10. Merry Christmas to you and your family. Patty Lewis, Captain, USAF Executive Officer December 2nd TO: ALL SQUADRON MEMBERS In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish mem…
Last reply by larry myers, -
When the last census was being taken (1950), one of the data gatherers got a territory in the mountain country of southwestern Virginia. His first call was made at a cabin on a seldomly used road and when he asked the woman how many children she had, she told him “Four.†“What are their ages, ma’am?†“Well now, mister, I don’t rightly rec’lect,†the woman answered. “But I’ve got one lap chile, one floor creeper, one porch chile and one yard young ‘un.†* * * * *
Last reply by snowyday, -
A woman went to a doctor to complain about her husband’s odd obsession. “It’s terrible, Doctor,†she wailed. “All the time he thinks he’s an ice box. “Well,†consoled the medical man, “that isn’t too bad. Quite a harmless delusion, I’d say.†“The delusion I don’t mind, Doctor,†said the woman, “but when he sleeps with his mouth open, the little light keeps me awake.†* * * *
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Seems a man walked into a downtown office building and headed for the elevator. The door was open and he stepped briskly through, falling two flights to the basement. “Darn it all,†he exclaimed angrily as he struggled to his feet. “I said Up!†* * * *
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Okay, men! “We’ll take practice jumps in the morning,†the sergeant bellowed to the paratroop recruits. Next morning, the young airborne GI’s were aloft in a troop carrier. All went in perfect order as one by one the soldiers hit the silk, until the last man, a happy-go-lucky type came up to the plane’s door. “Hold it!†roared the sargeant. “For heaven’s sake, Buster, you’re not wearing your parachute.†“Oh, that’s all right,†smiled the recruit. “Just a practice jump, isn’t it?†* * * from a 1953 newspaper so it must have been a C-119 Flying Boxcar.
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How to Interpret Performance Reports Some of you might like to know what supervisors are really saying in all those glowing employee work performance evaluations they keeps cranking out. AVERAGE: Not too bright. EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED: Has committed no major blunders to date. ACTIVE SOCIALLY: Drinks heavily. ZEALOUS ATTITUDE: Opinionated. CHARACTER ABOVE REPROACH: Still one step ahead of the law. UNLIMITED POTENTIAL: Will stick with us until retirement. QUICK THINKING: Offers plausible excuses for errors. TAKES PRIDE IN WORK: Conceited. TAKES ADVANTAGE OF EVERY OPPORTUNITY TO PROGRESS: Buys drinks for superiors. INDIFFERENT TO INSTRUCTI…
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A newspaper reporter had been sent to interview a rancher who was reported to own a talking horse. During the interview, the rancher explained that the horse was not only capable of talking, but was also a first rate comedian. “That horse has a wonderful collection of jokes,†said the rancher, “and I value him at $5,000. However, I own a mule that is worth twice as much.†“Why is the mule so valuable?†asked the reporter. “Who do you think writes the horse’s material?†the rancher answered. * * * *
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Once, arriving in London on a visit of state, the Shah of Persia avidly observed the bustling life of the great metropolis as he passed down the street in an open carriage. He glimpsed a small urchin perched on a lamppost, thumbling his nose and asked the British diplomat accompanying him to explain the meaning of the gesture. “That, Your Majesty,†came the unctuous reply, “is a token of great respect.†The Shah was leaving the British capital a few days later, when he bethought himself of the many courtesies and kindnesses he had received at the hands of British officialdom. So to show his esteem for the assembled nobility at the railroad …
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A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas , and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there...", as he pointed out the location. The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me !" Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish... On any land! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear...do you understand?" The rancher nodded politely, apolo…
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Nancy and Pat, aged 8 and 9, were at their new television set, watching the atomic explosion at Yucca Flat. Nancy broke the moment of awed silence after the gigantic explosion: Boy, they sure don’t care what they do to Nevada, do they?†But Pat explained loftily: Don’t be silly, Nancy. They have to make a place to put Hawaii when it gets to be the 49th state. * * * From the Times Record of Troy, New York dated 15 May 1953 (This was the atomic blast of March 17, 1953, at Yucca Flat, Nevada Proving Ground.) mds
Last reply by snowyday, -
It was in a small town in the hills where the local drunk staggered out of a bar. Gazing around in a befuddled manner, he spotted the town’s only taxicab in front of the bar, and climbed into the back seat. “Take me to Charley’s Place, driver,†he said. “Buddy, you’re in front of Charley’s place now,†replied the driver. “O.K. Mac!†said the drunk as he staggered out of the cab. “But next time, don’t drive so blamed fast!†* * * *
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A white man and an Indian, it seems, had gone hunting. That evening, ready to divide the spoils, the white man said, “You take the buzzard and I’ll take the turkey, or, I will take the turkey and you may take the buzzard.†The Indian replied, “You never once said take turkey to me. And that is how our language gained the expressive phrase “talking turkey,†synonymous with “talking business†or getting down to brass tacks.†* * * *
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With the coming of the railroad came a new brand of entrepreneurialism. Stock would wander onto the track and be hit by the train. The railroad would then have to settle with the owner for the superb stock lost. A Cherokee County man saw an opportunity and went out and bought a blind mule as his sacrificial lamb so to speak. Now the mule may have been blind but was not stupid. He could both hear and feel the vibrations caused by the train and get out of the way. Hopefully each day the man would go check on his prize stock. Day after day he would find the mule alive and well. One day when the train engineer looked down the track he spied th…
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Real Sergeants 1. Can cuss for ten minutes without ever repeating a word. 2. Have a spine. 3. Can play a cherry Lieutenant like a finely tuned instrument. 4. Can see in the Dark. 5. Have eyes in the back of their heads. 6. Still don't trust the Russians. 7. Still hate the French. 8. Don't know how to be politically correct. 9. Don't give a damn about being politically correct. 10. Think that "politically correct" should fall under S### in the UCMJ. 11. Love deployments because there is less paperwork and more "real work." 12. Can run 5 miles with a hangover. 13. Do not fear women in the military. 14. Would like to date G. I. Jane. 15. …
Last reply by Sonny, -
A man was driving through Wyoming one spring evening. The road was deserted and he had not seen a soul for what seemed like hours. Suddenly his car started to cough and splutter and the engine slowly died away, leaving him sitting by the road in total silence. He popped the hood and looked to see if there was anything that he could do to get it going again. Unfortunately, he had a limited knowledge of cars, so all he could do was look at the engine, feeling despondent. As he peered by the gradually fading light of his flashlight, he cursed that he had not put in new batteries, like he had promised. Suddenly, through the inky shadows, came a deep voice, "It's your fu…
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A poor West Virginia farmer worked as hard as any human could, his entire life. His only reward was the constant nagging, ass-chewing and growling from his nasty tempered wife. He would often talk to his mule and enjoyed its company as he plowed, logged, and drug hay from the fields. One particularly hard, hot day, she comes out and just rants and raves about something he hadn't quite got around to yet. As she walked behind the mule, it laid its ears back and kicked her right in the head, and she was dead before she hit the ground. So being the good man that he was, the farmer gave her a decent funeral. After the service and everything, the undertaker walked up to the m…
Last reply by jmitch, -
I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes. We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time. When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, " What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?" Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; knowing he would have a good one. And in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response. "Got drunk …
Last reply by james, -
A Navy wife bidding her husband goodbye as he was embarking for the Aleutians, says when she saw a black Scottie puppy going aboard, when wives were not allowed to go along, she went to an officer and complained about the unfairness of regulations that allowed dogs, but not wives, to accompany the Navy. The officer listened to the tirade in silence. Then he spoke, “but see, madam, he said, “all of the men can pet a dog.†* * * *
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A teacher was slightly in doubt as to what mark to give the boy on his answer in an examination to the question “What is a will?†The boys answer: “A will is a written document in which a person tells how he wants his property divided among his errors.†* * * *
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An athlete who had won many running races was boasting of his achievements when a man sitting near interrupted him. “I’ll race you,†said the stranger, “and you’ll never pass me if you give me a 3 foot start and let me choose the course. The athlete looked at his challenger, a short and rather stout man, and laughed, “I bet you twenty to one I will.†he returned, “where’s the course?†“Up a ladder,†answered his opponent. * * * *
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Lost on a back road in Alabama, a man asked the way to Montgomery from an old farmer who was sitting on a fence idly chewing tobacco. He looked down the road, scratched his head and gave him a complicated set of directions. About thirty minutes later after following the farmer’s directions carefully, the young man could hardly believe his eyes when he came upon the farmer again at the very same spot. Thoroughly exasperated he pulled up and shouted: “Look here, you act as though you expected to see me again. What’s the big idea?†“Waal, young feller,†he repeated, “I didn’t aim to waste my time explainin’ how you get to Mon…
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A Boston salesman visited Texas and heard one particular Texan boasting about heroes of the Alamo who, almost alone, held off whole armies. “I’ll bet you never had anybody so brave around Boston,†challenged the Texan. “Did you ever hear of Paul Revere?†said the Bostonian. “Paul Revere?†said the Texan. “Isn’t that the guy that ran for help?†* * * *
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Old Matt Ironfield, who had run the only hardware store in Slopeville for the last thirty years, was sitting himself down to supper table, when his patient wife, Esmerelda, said: “Any business today, Matt?†“Oh, old Bull’s-Eye Benson came in and bought a lock for his meat cellar this morning.†“Anything else happen?†asked his wife. “Oh, a little later on, Light-Fingered Fenwick come in and bought a wrecking bar.†“Oh, just before noon, Light-Fingered Fenwick came back and bought a skillet – big enough to fry a big slice of ham in.†“I see,†said Esmerelda. “Any other customers?†“Oh, along the middle of the afternoon, …
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