Sonny's Funnies
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The federal government’s most valuable function is entertainment. Never even remotely suggest to a woman that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment. A penny saved is worthless. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip. One factor uniting all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above-average drivers. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday, and that time is age 11. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illnes…
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Cat and Dog Diary
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During the mid-afternoon lull at an English pub the senior bartender and his assistant busied themselves polishing glassware. They could not help overhearing a conversation between two men at a nearby table, the only customers in the place. To say these gentlemen were inebriated would be mild euphemism. This is what the bartenders heard: “Where you from?†“The States.†“That’s a coincidence. So am I. What town?†“Chicago.†“Can you beat that? I’m from Chicago, too. What address?†“5710 Ellis Avenue.†“I can’t believe it. That’s where I live. What’s your apartment?†“Six.†“Say, this is uncanny.…
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The American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft. After 1 year and $180,000, they concluded that the reason that the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex. After the US published the study, the French decided to do they're own study. After $250,000 and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the woman more pleasure during sex. Canadians, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After 2 weeks, a cost of around $75.46, and 2 cases of beer they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off …
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Making her first flight, an old lady stopped the stewardess as she passed her seat. “Will you give a message to the pilot, please,†she asked. “Certainly, madam.†“Well, then, please ask him not to go faster than sound because we want to talk on the journey.†* * * *
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An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer — you're in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is becoming a pretty popular guy. One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and asks with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators,…
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1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi. 2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian . 3. She was only the moonshiner's daughter, but he loved her still. 4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption. 5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery. 6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering. 7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart. 8. Two silk worms had a…
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An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the storm, when a wave came up and washed the old man overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find him, so the captain sent the old woman back to shore with the promise that he would notify her as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old woman got a fax from the boat. It read: 'Ma'am, sorry to inform you, we found your husband dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled him up to the deck and attached to his rear end was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 Please advise.' The old woman faxed back: 'Send me th…
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The juror was trying to get himself excused from service. “I owe a man $25 I borrowed,†he told the judge, “and he’s leaving town for good today. I want to catch him before he gets to the train and pay him the money.†“You’re excused,†the judge announced. “I don’t want anybody on the jury who can lie like that.†* * * *
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A young man was being examined in court as a witness and the lawyer for the prosecution began: Now, Lazky, what do you do†What do I do when? When you work, of course. I work. I know, but at what? At a bench. I know, I know, but where do you work at a bench? In a factory. What kind of factory? Brick. Ah, now we’re getting some place. The factory makes bricks? No. The factory is made of bricks. Oh, Lord, Lazky, what do you make in that factory? Twenty dollars a week. No. No. What does the factory make. A lot of money, I think. No, listen. What sort of goods does the factory make? Good goods. …
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A clergyman spent the afternoon at a house in an English village where he had preached. After tea he was sitting in the garden with his hostess. Out rushed her little boy holding a rat above his head. “Don’t be afraid, mother,†he cried, “it’s dead. We beat him and bashed him and thumped him untilâ€â€” and then catching sight of the reverend, he added, in a lowered voice—“until God called him home.†* * * *
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Most men who have reached high places in public life have at least a few amusing, if embarrassing, incidents in their back-grounds. The man who was known as “The Plumed Knight,†for instance, James G. Blaine, used to tell of an incident when he was a young lawyer and defended a tramp who had been accused of stealing a watch. Blaine believed the man had been unjustly accused and he put every bit of sincerity in his makeup into his plea to the jury. The man was acquitted. And immediately after the acclaim for the fine young attorney had quieted a bit, the tramp, tears streaming down his face, whispered: “Mister, I ain’t cried since I wuz a k…
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Seated side-by-side in a tavern, the two men were busily partaking of the cup that cheers. “Hank,†said one, “I notice that you drink a lot. Does your tongue burn after you’ve had quite a bit?†Hank pondered the question, then drawled: “Well, I don’t rightly know, Joe. I’ve never been drunk enough to light it.†* * * *
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A certain Indian apparently feels that the white man is not so much crazy as greedy. This chief was interviewed by the Sault St. Marie, Ont., Daily Star on the current uranium boom. He said: “200 or 300 years ago white man come to North Shore of Lake Superior. He take all the fur and give Indian string of beads. Then a few years later he cut down all big trees; build lumber mills. Soon all big trees gone—he go away. Few years later, he come back, build paper mill at Espanola, cut down all small trees. Nothing left on North Shore but rock. Now, by gosh, he comes back for rock.†1950 * * * *
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Mrs. Gabbieigh—“My, I was at the dentist’s this afternoon and he made me keep my mouth open a whole hour. It nearly killed me.†Husband (trying to read)—“If he had made you keep your mouth shut for that long it would have killed you for sure.†* * * *
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Teacher: What does your father do for a living? Student: He is a magician. Teacher: what is his favorite trick? Student: He cuts people in two. Teacher: How many brothers and sisters do you have? Student: One half-brother and one half-sister....
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An elderly couple was in bed one night and the woman woke up from a bad dream. She was scared and panicking. Her husband awoke and turned the light on to calm her. He asked what was wrong. She said "I had a dream that I died and you got remarried." she asked him "if I died tomorrow would you get remarried?" he said "sure, I don’t want to spend the rest of my life lonely." then she asked "well would you two live in this house?" he replied "sure, we just got finished paying off our mortgage." she asked again, angry now "well would she sleep in this bed?" he snickered and said "yes, of course, this bed is brand new and expensive, there's no reason to rid of i…
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The director of the home planning department of a large department store received a telephone call: “Could you help me with some color questions?†a feminine voice asked “I want to know what colors I’ll get if I mix green and yellow, yellow and blue and green and blue.†“We could be of more help to you,†said the home planner, “if we knew what you are working with. Are you using flat, gloss paint, enamel or oil?†“Oh, no,†said the caller “I’m not painting. I am planning to crossbreed some parakeets.†* * * *
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A man went into the employment office and signed up for a job as dishwasher in a hotel. The questionnaire asked: “When are you available for work?†The man scratched his head and said to the clerk: “How do you spell rat?†“Why, R-A-T, of course,†answered the clerk. “Nom†said the man, “I don’t mean the mousy kind of rat. I mean rat now.†* * * *
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A man went into the employment office and signed up for a job as dishwasher in a hotel. The questionnaire asked: “When are you available for work?†The man scratched his head and said to the clerk: “How do you spell rat?†“Why, R-A-T, of course,†answered the clerk. “Nom†said the man, “I don’t mean the mousy kind of rat. I mean rat now.†* * * *
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The teacher wrote on the blackboard, “I ain’t had no fun all summer.†“Now Paul,†she said. “What shall I do to correct this?†“Get a boy friend.†Paul replied.
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A small-time salesman treated himself to a Pullman ride from Boston to New York aboard a deluxe streamliner. Thrilled by the train’s luxuries, he entered the club car where several big business men were discussing the state of the economy. “A bad week,†he heard one capitalist complain. “We netted only $130,000.†“It was better for us,†said another. “Wheat was hot and we cleared $250,000.†Man after man told of such profits. Suddenly all eyes centered on the little salesman and someone asked, “How’s your business?†“So-so,†he shrugged. “Last week yellows were off half a million, but reds were up a million and blacks up fou…
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Two philosophers were sitting at a restaurant, discussing whether or not there was a difference between misfortune and disaster. “There is most certainly a difference,†said one. “If the cook suddenly died and we couldn’t have our dinner that would be a misfortune, but certainly not a disaster. On the other hand, if a cruise ship carrying the Congress was to sink in the middle of the ocean, now that would be a disaster, but by no stretch of the imagination would it be a misfortune
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The adult life of Thomas Edison, probably due to his intense powers of concentration, is dotted with stories of his absentmindedness. The classic of the collection, however, has to do with the afternoon he stepped down from his train at the familiar Orange, N.J., station. And the station master, who’d had great experience with the inventive genius, said: Welcome home again, Mr. Edison. “Say, you didn’t leave anything on the train, did you?†“Why, I don’t think so,†replied Edison, looking about vaguely and patting his pockets. At that moment his eyes rested on a window of the stopped train. Mrs. Edison, his new bride of a fortnight, whom …
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A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. Afterward, the doctor comes out with the results. "I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left." "Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "Give it to me straight, Doc. How long have I got?" "Ten," the doctor says sadly. "Ten?" the man asks "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!" "Nine..."
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