Sonny's Funnies
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A doctor met a young man at a cocktail party. “I want to thank you, doctor,†said the latter, “for the benefit I have gained from your treatment.†The other looked at him blankly. “But –er— “he said. “I don’t think you’ve ever been a patient of mine.†“No, but my uncle was. I’m his heir.†* * * *
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On a hot summer day an interested group of on-lookers watched some archaeologists uncover an ancient Indian burial ground in Kansas. In the crowd was a large woman who kept loudly and repeatedly reminding the workers they were committing a crime: “An Indian has every right to a private burial. Grown men should be ashamed of themselves, disturbing the dead.†Finally, the woman triumphantly asked how the scientists knew that one of the skeletons they had just uncovered was that of an Indian squaw, as they had pointed out. Looking up the archaeologist answered slowly. “Well, madam, for one thing, you’ll note the lower jaw is worn out. …
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Remember to buy Mom a bottle, too. You're the reason she drinks.
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A kind-hearted social worker sympathizing with a prisoner who never received any visitors. “Do you mean to say that nobody ever comes to see you?†she asked. “No, madam, nobody.†“Yet you are the eldest of a family of ten children?†“Yes, madam, and not one of them will leave his cell to call on me.†* * *
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While a young suitor was waiting for his girl, the girl’s little sister sidled into the room. “Did you know my sister’s got three other boy friends?†she asked coyly. “Really,†he said in surprise. “I haven’t seen any of them.†“Neither have I,†was the reply, “but she gave me two dollars to tell you.†* * *
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There had been an accident. It was the usual thing — a college student’s convertible had collided head-on with the farmer’s Model A. The two drivers got out and surveyed the damage. “Well,†said the farmer, “we may as well have a drink.†He hauled out a bottle and passed it to the student who gulped down a stiff one. The farmer calmly returned the bottle to his pocket. “Aren’t you going to have one?†asked the student. “Don’t think I will ‘till the police have checked up. -1958- * * *
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Nantucket’s editor Gordon Turner tells one about the doctor who was awakened in the middle of a stormy night by a farmer pounding on his door. “What do you charge for country calls?†the farmer asked. The doctor, impatient that anyone should haggle in the middle of the night, snapped: “Ten dollars!†Thereupon, the farmer asked the doctor to drive out to his farm immediately. The doctor dressed and drove the farmer over muddy roads as fast as conditions permitted. As they stopped in front of the house, the farmer got out of the car and handed $10 to the doctor. “What’s this?†asked the surprised doctor. “There isn’…
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Millionaire steel magnate Andrew Carnegie experienced the pinch of poverty in his youth. One night, shortly after he had sold his holdings for almost a half billion dollars to the newly formed United States Steel Co., a dinner was given in his honor. When Carnegie was asked to speak, he got up and said: “I only wish someone had thought of giving me this dinner when I needed it.†* * * *
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A very pretty and charming young wife phoned a psychiatrist. “I’m sending my husband to you. There is something dreadfully wrong with him. Not only does he ignore me completely, but he is different from every other married man I know. He never takes a second glance at any woman, even the most beautiful and exotic.†The psychiatrist promised to call her when he had finished diagnosing her husband, and he did. “You have absolutely nothing to worry about,†he assured her. “Your husband isn’t unbalanced of mind, or even neurotic or eccentric. He’s just stupid.†* * * *
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At the office Christmas party, a very new employee was talking with a matron when his attention was drawn to a beefy individual leading an animated conversation a few feet away. “Who’s old hefty with the over-sized ears?†he asked. “Why,†she replied, “that’s my husband. He’s head of your department.†“I was just going to say,†quietly explained the new employee, “that on a big man like him, over-sized ears are very becoming.†* * * *
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The federal government’s most valuable function is entertainment. Never even remotely suggest to a woman that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment. A penny saved is worthless. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip. One factor uniting all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above-average drivers. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday, and that time is age 11. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illnes…
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Cat and Dog Diary
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During the mid-afternoon lull at an English pub the senior bartender and his assistant busied themselves polishing glassware. They could not help overhearing a conversation between two men at a nearby table, the only customers in the place. To say these gentlemen were inebriated would be mild euphemism. This is what the bartenders heard: “Where you from?†“The States.†“That’s a coincidence. So am I. What town?†“Chicago.†“Can you beat that? I’m from Chicago, too. What address?†“5710 Ellis Avenue.†“I can’t believe it. That’s where I live. What’s your apartment?†“Six.†“Say, this is uncanny.…
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The American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft. After 1 year and $180,000, they concluded that the reason that the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex. After the US published the study, the French decided to do they're own study. After $250,000 and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the woman more pleasure during sex. Canadians, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After 2 weeks, a cost of around $75.46, and 2 cases of beer they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off …
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Making her first flight, an old lady stopped the stewardess as she passed her seat. “Will you give a message to the pilot, please,†she asked. “Certainly, madam.†“Well, then, please ask him not to go faster than sound because we want to talk on the journey.†* * * *
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An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer — you're in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is becoming a pretty popular guy. One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and asks with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators,…
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1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi. 2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian . 3. She was only the moonshiner's daughter, but he loved her still. 4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption. 5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery. 6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering. 7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart. 8. Two silk worms had a…
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An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the storm, when a wave came up and washed the old man overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find him, so the captain sent the old woman back to shore with the promise that he would notify her as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old woman got a fax from the boat. It read: 'Ma'am, sorry to inform you, we found your husband dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled him up to the deck and attached to his rear end was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 Please advise.' The old woman faxed back: 'Send me th…
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The juror was trying to get himself excused from service. “I owe a man $25 I borrowed,†he told the judge, “and he’s leaving town for good today. I want to catch him before he gets to the train and pay him the money.†“You’re excused,†the judge announced. “I don’t want anybody on the jury who can lie like that.†* * * *
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A young man was being examined in court as a witness and the lawyer for the prosecution began: Now, Lazky, what do you do†What do I do when? When you work, of course. I work. I know, but at what? At a bench. I know, I know, but where do you work at a bench? In a factory. What kind of factory? Brick. Ah, now we’re getting some place. The factory makes bricks? No. The factory is made of bricks. Oh, Lord, Lazky, what do you make in that factory? Twenty dollars a week. No. No. What does the factory make. A lot of money, I think. No, listen. What sort of goods does the factory make? Good goods. …
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A clergyman spent the afternoon at a house in an English village where he had preached. After tea he was sitting in the garden with his hostess. Out rushed her little boy holding a rat above his head. “Don’t be afraid, mother,†he cried, “it’s dead. We beat him and bashed him and thumped him untilâ€â€” and then catching sight of the reverend, he added, in a lowered voice—“until God called him home.†* * * *
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Most men who have reached high places in public life have at least a few amusing, if embarrassing, incidents in their back-grounds. The man who was known as “The Plumed Knight,†for instance, James G. Blaine, used to tell of an incident when he was a young lawyer and defended a tramp who had been accused of stealing a watch. Blaine believed the man had been unjustly accused and he put every bit of sincerity in his makeup into his plea to the jury. The man was acquitted. And immediately after the acclaim for the fine young attorney had quieted a bit, the tramp, tears streaming down his face, whispered: “Mister, I ain’t cried since I wuz a k…
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Seated side-by-side in a tavern, the two men were busily partaking of the cup that cheers. “Hank,†said one, “I notice that you drink a lot. Does your tongue burn after you’ve had quite a bit?†Hank pondered the question, then drawled: “Well, I don’t rightly know, Joe. I’ve never been drunk enough to light it.†* * * *
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A certain Indian apparently feels that the white man is not so much crazy as greedy. This chief was interviewed by the Sault St. Marie, Ont., Daily Star on the current uranium boom. He said: “200 or 300 years ago white man come to North Shore of Lake Superior. He take all the fur and give Indian string of beads. Then a few years later he cut down all big trees; build lumber mills. Soon all big trees gone—he go away. Few years later, he come back, build paper mill at Espanola, cut down all small trees. Nothing left on North Shore but rock. Now, by gosh, he comes back for rock.†1950 * * * *
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Mrs. Gabbieigh—“My, I was at the dentist’s this afternoon and he made me keep my mouth open a whole hour. It nearly killed me.†Husband (trying to read)—“If he had made you keep your mouth shut for that long it would have killed you for sure.†* * * *
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