Sonny's Funnies
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“Your mother has been living with us for 20 years now,†said John, “isn’t it about time she got an apartment of her own?†“My mother?†replied Helen. “I thought she was your mother.†* * * *
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A man went to his bank for a loan. He was told he could have it provided he could guess which eye of the manager was a glass one. “The left,†he said correctly – and then explained to the manager that it was the one that looked more sympathetic. * * *
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“I’ll give you five dollars if you let me paint you,†said the artist to the grizzled old mountaineer. The man shifted from one leg to the other and scratched his chin. “It’s easy money,†tempted the artist. “Thar ain’t no question about that,†said the mountaineer. “O ’im just wondering ‘ow I’m going to get the paint off afterwards.†* * *
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One night 4 college students were partying until late and did not study for a test which was scheduled for the next day. In the morning, they thought of a plan. They made themselves look as dirty as possible, with grease and dirt. They then went to the teacher and said that they had gone to a wedding last night and on their return, a tire burst on their car and they had to push the car all the way back home and that they were in no condition to take the test. The teacher kindly allowed them to do a re-test after 3 days. They thanked him and said they would be ready by that time. On the third day, they went for their test. The teacher said that as this was a Spec…
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A reformer was conducting her campaign outside a saloon. As one man came out of the door exuding alcohol fumes, she put a hand on his arm and said: “Reflect; if you arrive at the gates of Heaven with your breath reeking of liquor, do you think St. Peter will let you in?†“My good woman,†said the man, “when I go to Heaven I expect to leave my breath behind.†* * *
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Slightly the worse for wear, a man was homeward bound from a rather merry party. He consulted his watch. It was 7 p.m. From the taxi window he spotted a clock outside a jewelry shop. It registered 6:55. Then he asked the driver for the time. “Six-fifty,†was the reply. “Turn around fast,†ordered the passenger. “I’m going in the wrong direction!†* * *
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Doctor Call
by Sonny- 0 replies
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A man is surprised to receives a call from his doctor. The doctor says, "I'm sorry, but I have some bad news and some worse news." "Well, alright, give me the bad news first," said the man. "Well," said the doctor, "The bad news is that you only have 24 hours to live." "Holy Cow! That is some bad news!" the man exclaimed. "What news could be worse than that?" he asked. "The worse news is that I have been trying to reach you since yesterday."
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The fire chief and his staff were invited to watch a recent fire drill at a government office. When the alarm rang, the 600 employees evacuated the four-story building in little over three minutes. Everyone was pleased until quitting time when the building was cleared in two minutes flat. * * *
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Half Drunk
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A few years ago I came home from a night of drinking with the boys. As I fell through the doorway of our house, my wife snapped at me, “What’s the big idea coming home half drunk?†My reply was simple I just said, “I’m sorry, honey. I ran out of money.â€
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A country dame had been put on a rigid diet by her doctor. Shortly thereafter a neighbor dropped in to inquire how she was doing and was amazed to see her eating a large slab of apple pie. “I thought you were on a diet,†the friend exclaimed. “I am,†replied the woman. “But I’ve had my diet, and now I’m having my dinner.†* * *
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Telephone operators often use certain codes as they talk back and forth to each other in handling long distance calls. For example, an operator will say, “DA,†meaning “doesn’t answer,†or “BY†which means the number is “busy.†One operator in rural Tennessee came up with her own codes. “The number you want is OMC,†she told the operator at the other end of the line. “What’s OMC?†the confused girl asked. “Out milking cows.†1945 * * *
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A doctor broke the bad news to a man, that his wife would have to be admitted to a psychiatric hospital. “I’m afraid her mind’s completely gone,†he said. “Makes sense,†mumbled the man. “She’s been giving me a piece of it every day for the last 15 years.â€
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“How did you do in school today, Tommy?†asked a school-boy’s mother. “All right,†was the answer. “Teacher said I was a regular little beaver.†“She did?†exclaimed the parent proudly. “That goes to show what a hard worker you are.†“W-e-l-l, not exactly,†said the boy. “It was really for chewing my pencil.†* * * *
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Knowing that the old expression, “To ride shank’s mare,†means to walk, a woman was amazed when she heard her husband telling a little newsboy about his paper route as a boy. “And I didn’t have a nice shiny bike to ride, either,†said the husband, “I had to get up at the crack of dawn and ride shank’s mare all the way.†“Gosh, that must have been swell,†said the newsboy. “Just like Paul Revere.†* * *
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The only son of a multi-millionaire was made petty officer of a submarine during the last war. On several occasions he heard the penurious captain warn the crew: “Torpedoes are mighty expensive. They cost thousands of dollars. Before you fire one be sure you are going to hit the target.†Shortly after one of the lectures, the multi-millionaire’s son spotted an enemy destroyer coming toward the sub. He yelled into the loudspeaker: “Destroyer spotted on the port side approaching.†There was no answer. “Destroyer 400 yards away and approaching,†he yelled. Pause. “Destroyer 200 yards away and closing,†he bellowed. Still no a…
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Golfer Sam Sneed once told a group of awe-stricken fans at the Century Golf Club about the time he was slicing badly and zoomed a drive 280 yards through a bungalow window. “The ball upset an oil lamp and set the bungalow on fire,†asserted Sam “What did you do?†chorused the fans. “There was only one thing I could do,†said Sam solemnly. “I quickly teed up another ball, aimed carefully, and hit the fire alarm box on Anderson road. The fire engines were at the bungalow before much damage was done!†* * *
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A Pastor went to his church office on Monday morning and discovered a dead mule in the church yard. He telephoned the police. Since there did not appear to be any foul play, the police referred the Pastor to the Health Department. They explained, "Since there was no health threat, you'll need to call the Sanitation Department." When the pastor called the Sanitation Department, the Manager of the Sanitation Department said, "I can't pick up that dead mule without authorization from the mayor." The Pastor was not at all too eager to call the mayor, who possessed a very bad temper and was always extremely unpleasant and hard to deal with, but, eventually…
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Carrying a bucket, a young Naval officer was making his way along the deck of a rolling destroyer in an Atlantic storm when he was swept overboard. He had been given up for lost when another huge wave swept him back again. An officer hurried up to him. He struggled to his feet, saluted and said, “Sorry, sir, I lost the bucket.†* * *
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Hello - and thank you for calling the Mental Health Clinic. Please select from the following menu options: If you're obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. If you're co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you. If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6. If you're paranoid, we know who you are and what you want; stay on the line so we can trace your call. If you're delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship. If you're schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press. If you're manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy…
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Officer Mullooney was the stupidest clunk on the Sasparilla Falls police force, but his father-in-law was mayor and president of the bank, so there was no way of remedying the situation. One night his chief told Mullooney: “There’s a buzzard been carting apples out of Farmer Klopfer’s orchard every night. I want you to catch him red-handed.†Late that night, Mullooney spotted a man sneaking off the Klopfer premises with a heavy sack. “Mull†collared him and emptied the sack on the ground. Out tumbled a silver tea set, a Picasso miniature, and Mrs. Klopfer’s sable coat. “Golly, I’m sorry,†apologized, Mullooney. “I thought you was stealing appl…
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A housewife was complaining to a tramp who called at her door. “You never seem to do anything,†she said, except hang around the local bars.†“That’s where you’re wrong, lady,†replied the tramp. “I’ve got a job in a domino factory.†“And what do you do?†“I put the spots on the dominos.†“And why," asked the suspicious housewife, “aren’t you working there now?†“Don’t have to,†was the reply. “Today the factory is making double blanks.†* * *
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“Don’t be afraid of Fido,†said a dog owner to his Chinese guest. “You know the old proverb, “A barking dog never bites’?†“Yes,†said the guest, “you know proverb, I know proverb, but do dog know proverb?†* * *
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The drill sergeant making his morning announcements to a group of newcomers in a training camp, stated: "Today, gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news." "First, the good news Private Peters will be setting the pace on our morning run.†He said. With this the platoon was overjoyed, as Private Peters was overweight and terribly slow. But then the drill sergeant finished his statement: "Now for the bad news." he then said "Private Peters will be driving a truck."
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The State Police had been questioning a ventriloquist for hours. Eventually one of them turned to an inspector and said: “Sir, we’ve been grilling him for six hours now, so far, a detective, two patrolmen, the doctor and the minister have all confessed to the crime. Must we go on. * * * *
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The young lion tamer was being interviewed on television. “I understand your father also was a lion tamer,†said the announcer. “Yes indeed he was,†said the young man. “And do you actually put your head in the lion’s mouth?†inquired the announcer. “Only once,†said the young man, “to look for Dad.†* * *
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