Sonny's Funnies
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After a few words, mostly spoken by the young wife, her hubby sprang to his feet. “You’ve gone too far! “he exclaimed, angrily. “This is our last quarrel. I’m going right out of your life.†“Oh, Henry, darling, where are you going?†she cried. “I’ll find a place where wild adventure will wipe out the memories of this moment – perhaps in the jungle – or on the stormy seas --.†As he spoke he opened the door, then closed it again and turned sternly to his wife. “It’s lucky for you it’s starting to rain,†he said. * * *
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An elderly gent was invited to his old friend's home for dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms-- Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love. While the wife was in the kitchen,the man leaned over and said to his host, "I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names." The old man hung his head, "I have to tell you the truth," he said, "I forgot her name about 10 years ago.
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Twins who had just celebrated their 95th birthday were the wonder of the village. “And to what do they attribute their age?†a newcomer asked. “One to the fact that he’s an early riser, and the other to the fact that he isn’t.†* * *
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The phone rang. The lady of the house answered~~~ "Yes?" "Mrs.. Ward, please." "Speaking" Mrs Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory. When your Doctor sent your husband's samples to the lab, the samples from another Mr Ward were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly, it is either bad or terrible." "What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asked. "Well, one Mr. Ward has tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other for AIDS. We can't tell which your husband's is." "That's terrible! Can we do the test over?" questioned Mrs Ward. "Normally, yes. But Medicare won't pay for these expensive tests more than once.…
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City Gal: “My, what a funny cow. Why doesn’t it have horns?†Farmer: “Well, you see, some cows we de-horn; some is born without horns, and some shed ‘em. But the reason this here cow ain’t got horns is, she ain’t a cow—she’s a mule.†* * *
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Billy Bob was walking down the street and up pulls Bubba in a brand new pickup. Billy Bob asks Bubba where he got the new truck. Well I was at the dance on Saturday night and this really good looking girl starting tell me about her brand new pickup, and asked me if I wanted to go for a ride in it. I told her I would.. We went out of town on the highway and then she pulled off on a dirt road, and then she pulled off into the woods.. She got out of the truck and took off all her clothes, and said "Bubba you can have anything you want" Billy Bob said that was really smart of you Bubba,...... Because those clothes never would have fit you...
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Pilot: “Have you learned the theme song of the parachute corps?†Cadet: “Theme song? What is it?†Pilot: “It don’t mean a thing if you don’t pull the string.†(From 1944) * * * *
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Once during a cross-country tour, President Coolidge was scheduled to make a speech at an Indian reservation. The tribal chief said there was a severe drought. “Our rainmakers have prayed, but it hasn’t helped. Soon the fields will lie in waste.†“I know,†said Coolidge. “And when I return to Washington, I’m going to see what can be done about it.†No sooner had he uttered the words than the heavens opened and the rain came pouring down. Coolidge, drenched, looked up at the sky and muttered: “I said ‘when I return to Washington.’†* * *
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As the conductor called out the various names of the stations, the mountain couple became more and more uneasy. The conductor called “ADAMS,†then “DUNLAP,†then “MAPLE.†The overalled gentleman turned to his wife and said, “Sarah, don’t you think it’s time for us to get off the train?†“Don’t show your ignorance, Paul,†she said. “Wait ‘til the feller calls your name.†* * *
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Funny Signs
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These are funny signs that have been spotted: Plumber: "We repair what your husband fixed." Pizza shop slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak." At a tire shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blow out." Door of a plastic surgeons office: "Hello, can we pick your nose?" Sign at the psychic's hotline: "Don't call us, we'll call you." At a laundry shop: "How about we refund your money, send you a new one at no charge, close the store and have the manager shot. Would that be satisfactory?" At a towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows." Billboard on the side of the road: "Keep your eyes on the road and stop rea…
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The psychiatrist was lecturing on the theory that people with handicaps often specialize on their handicapped functions. Thus, people with weak eyes tend to become painters, and so on. Finishing his lecture, he asked for questions. Immediately, this one was pitched at him from the back of the auditorium: “Doctor, wouldn’t your theory mean that weak-minded people tend to become psychiatrists?†* * *
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During World War II, a buck private and a sergeant were court-martialed for striking an officer. Asked why he had done it, the sergeant explained that the colonel, while passing down the line of review, had stepped on his sore foot. “Instinctively,†said the sergeant, “I threw up my guard, like anyone would do, and let him have it before I realized what had actually happened. It was an accident, I can assure you.†Then the buck private was asked for his explanation. “Well, you see, sir,†he replied, “when I saw the sergeant strike the colonel, I thought the war was over.†* * *
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Love Dress
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A woman stopped by unannounced at her son's house. She knocked on the door, then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law laying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room. "What are you doing?" she asked. "I'm waiting for John to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered. "But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed. "This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained. "Love dress? But you're naked!" "John loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me …
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In Kentucky a man was arrested, charged with the possession of a bottle of corn whisky. The judge frowned and asked the prisoner if he pleaded guilty of possessing illegal moonshine. “Your honor, I’m guilty of having liquor but I am using it as a medicine for my asthma,†the defendant replied earnestly. The judge peered down from the bench. “Does it do you any good?†he asked. The man shrugged his shoulders. “Can’t tell yet, I haven’t finished the bottle.†-1958- * * *
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Meaningful Men Sayings "I'M GOING FISHING" Means: "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety." "IT'S A GUY THING" Means: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical." "CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?" Means: "Why isn't dinner already on the table?" "UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR..." Means: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response. "IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN" Means: "I have no idea how it works." "I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND." Means: "I w…
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A young soldier was being questioned by a psychiatrist. “Tell me what you dream about at night,†he asked. “Baseball,†replied the soldier. “I dream about it night after night.†“Don’t you ever dream about girls?†asked the puzzled psychiatrist. “What!†exclaimed the soldier, “And miss my turn at bat?†* * *
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Examination
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Examination The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me." "Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy." "OK," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."
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John Lottajack was deeply touched when he arose to speak at the testimonial dinner given in honor of his fiftieth business anniversary. His voice trembled when he spoke. “When I came to this city,†he said, “I walked down the dusty street. I had no fine automobile. Not even a horse and buggy. My only suit was on my back and the soles of my shoes were getting thin. All my personal possessions I carried in a brown paper sack. “Our city has been good to me. My store prospered. I own a newspaper and radio station. I’m president of our largest bank and I hold controlling interest in a corporation that operates in 257 cities. I’m a member of our l…
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The young, inexperienced sixth grade teacher was desperate. She had spent the previous day teaching fractions to her class, and now she could not get a single reply to any question. Finally, she threw out her hands in despair and cried out: “Doesn’t anyone here know anything about fractions?†A little pause, and a little boy raised his hand timidly: “My father,†he said, “brings home fifths.†* * *
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A drunk was leaning out of a window on the third floor of a hotel when suddenly he overbalanced and fell to the pavement below. A crowd soon gathered, then a policeman pushed his way to where the drunk was lying, and demanded: “What’s going on here?†“Dunno,†replied the drunk, I’ve just got “ere.†* * *
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Andy & Eddie One day Andy was rummaging through the collection of old photos in the attic, when he came across one that he hadn't seen in years. It was an old faded picture of his school chum, Eddie White. They'd run together for most of their growing years, but the school system sent them to different Senior schools, and that was the last they'd ever seen of each other. Andy wondered how Eddie was doing, and for the days and weeks that followed he just couldn't get Eddie out of his thoughts. He explained the waves of nostalgia that kept rolling over him to his neighbor one day, and his neighbor suggested that he take the time to look Eddie up. It to…
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One afternoon old Zeke shut down his still and trudged down to the village to get his favorite brand of tobacco. The storekeeper was all out of it, but expected a shipment soon. Disappointed, Zeke said, “Well, when you get it – telephone me.†“What? You don’t have a phone, do you?†asked the proprietor. “Nope,†said Zeke, “but you do.†* * *
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Marriage Humor Wife: 'What are you doing?' Husband: Nothing. Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.' Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.' ------------------------------- Wife : 'Do you want dinner?' Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?' Wife: 'Yes or no.' -------------------------------------------------------- Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.' Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.' Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.' ----------------------------…
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Drunk: “Believe it or not, shtreet car, I’m waiting for an offisher. I mean, believe it or offisher not, I’m street carrying for a wait— that ish—shay, what am I doing anyhow?†Officer: “Believe it or not, you’re patrolling for the wait wagon. I mean, you’re waggoning for the wait patrol—get the idea, pal?†Drunk: “Shure. You’re intohshicated?†* * * *
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Man's Age, as Determined by a Trip to Home Depot You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house --. Mowing the lawn, putting in a new fence, painting the living room or whatever. You are hot and sweaty, covered in dust, lawn clippings, dirt or paint. You have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit -- shorts with the hole in the crotch, old T-shirt with a stain from who-knows-what and an old pair of tennis shoes. Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you realize you need to run to Home Depot to get something to help complete the job. Depending on your age you might do the following: In your 20's: Stop what y…
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