Sonny's Funnies
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There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is "UP." It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP? At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report? We call UP our friends. And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car. At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP…
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Prospective Customer: “I thought you said this had its advantages. Look at it: Glue factory to the north, a rubber factory to the south, a vinegar distillery to the east and a gas company to the west.†Real Estate Agent: “Well, the rent is cheap and you’ll always be able to tell which way the wind is blowing.†* * *
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Watch for these new computer viruses .. Neither Norton, McAfee, nor any other A/V has solutions as of yet! The John Kerry Virus - Reverses every position in your computer each time you turn it on. The Clinton Virus - Gives you a permanent Hard Drive with NO memory. The Al Gore Virus - Causes your computer to just keep counting and re-counting. The Bob Dole (a.k.a. Viagra) Virus - Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy. The Lewinsky Virus - Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then e-mails everyone about what it did. The Michael Jackson Virus - Attacks only minor files. The Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus - Terminates some files, leaves, but…
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A visitor to New Mexico, talking to a sun-browned native, commented on the lack of rain. “Doesn’t it ever rain here,†the tourist asked. “The native thought for a moment and said, “Mister do you remember the story of Noah and the Ark, and how it rained 40 days and 40 nights?†“Sure I do,†said the tourist. “Well,†drawled the native, “we got a half-inch that time.†* * *
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“How did your brother die?†“He fell through some scaffolding.†“What was he doing?†“They were hanging him.†* * *
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Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking........and one blonde says to the other - "Which do you think is farther away..........Florida or the moon? "The other blonde turns and says "Hellooooo, can you see Florida.......????? ****************************************************** A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, "What's the story?" He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor" She asks, "And, how often do I have to do that?" ***************************************************************** A police officer stops a b…
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Supper had been ready for a long time when the henpecked husband stole into the house and hung up his hat. “Henry,†said his wife from the dining room, “what do you mean by being two hours late?†“But, darling, I’ve been run over by a truck,†he protested from the hall. “Well, what of it?†she demanded, coldly. “It doesn’t take two hours to get run over.†* * * *
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How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb? 1. Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb? 2. Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code. 3. Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp! 4. Rottweiler: Make me. 5. Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark. 6. Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? …
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She was very well dressed and as she walked into the fashionable shop, the manager herself came forward to serve her. “I see by your catalogue,†she said, “that you have received two thousand pairs of ladies shoes.†“Yes, madam,†the respectful manager informed her. “Good,†said the girl, sitting down, “I wish to try them on!†* * * *
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A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, "I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today." The bartender says "Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me." As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, "I would like to buy you a drink too." The old woman says, Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water." "Coming up," says the bartender. As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says,"I would like to buy you one too." The old woman says, "Thank you." "Bartender, I want another Scotch w…
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Ted Sorenson, aide to Senator Kennedy, told a Winthrop audience of the college quarterback who called play number 13 that put over a winning touchdown. When the coach inquired what prompted this play, the quarterback replied, “I saw No. 5 on the jersey of the guard, No. 7 on the tackle, added them and got 13.†“But 7 and 5 make 12,†protested the coach. “Gee, coach,†said the quarterback, “if I had your education, we’d of lost the game.†-1958- * * *
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Archie the office boy in a Large corporation was fired and accused of stealing 500 dollars of postage stamps. A crusading young lawyer defended him successfully, and convinced of the youth’s innocence and integrity, wanted to sue the employer for false arrest, defamation of character, etc. “But it will cost at least $500,†the lawyer told Archie. “I think the case is a cinch. Do you think you could raise $500.†“Not in cash but I can give it to you in postage stamps,†Archie said. * * * *
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A young soldier was relating his experience in connection with a retreat. The company was in a vulnerable position, and the enemy was closing in rapidly. The officer in charge gave orders to beat a hasty retreat, and as they did so the bullets flew thick and fast past them as they ran for their lives. At the conclusion of his narration, one of the listeners asked him if he was scared. He replied, “no, I wasn’t personally scared, but I passed several soldiers who certainly were.†* * *
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After several minutes of futile stabbing at the keyhole, a tipsy husband found the door opened for him by his glaring wife. “Aw, honey, don’t be mad,†he mumbled. “Some of the boys at the office decided to have a contest to see who could drink the most.†“Very interesting,†said his wife acidly. “Who won second prize?â€
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THIRTY LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE 1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't. 2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it. 3. I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me! 4. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them. 5. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. 6. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive. 7. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me 8. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. 9. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe. 10. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are missing. 11. Out of my mind. Back…
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1 way to shutdown the stupid habit Subject: Eric's train ride After a very busy day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes as the train departed Montreal for Hudson. As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice: “Hi sweetheart it’s Eric, I’m on the train – yes, I know it’s the six thirty and not the four thirty but I had a long meet ing – no, honey, not with that floozie from the accounts office, with the boss. No sweetheart, you’re the only one in my life – yes, I’m sure, cross my heart†etc., etc. Fifteen minutes later, he wa…
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After a few words, mostly spoken by the young wife, her hubby sprang to his feet. “You’ve gone too far! “he exclaimed, angrily. “This is our last quarrel. I’m going right out of your life.†“Oh, Henry, darling, where are you going?†she cried. “I’ll find a place where wild adventure will wipe out the memories of this moment – perhaps in the jungle – or on the stormy seas --.†As he spoke he opened the door, then closed it again and turned sternly to his wife. “It’s lucky for you it’s starting to rain,†he said. * * *
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An elderly gent was invited to his old friend's home for dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms-- Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love. While the wife was in the kitchen,the man leaned over and said to his host, "I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names." The old man hung his head, "I have to tell you the truth," he said, "I forgot her name about 10 years ago.
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Twins who had just celebrated their 95th birthday were the wonder of the village. “And to what do they attribute their age?†a newcomer asked. “One to the fact that he’s an early riser, and the other to the fact that he isn’t.†* * *
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The phone rang. The lady of the house answered~~~ "Yes?" "Mrs.. Ward, please." "Speaking" Mrs Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory. When your Doctor sent your husband's samples to the lab, the samples from another Mr Ward were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly, it is either bad or terrible." "What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asked. "Well, one Mr. Ward has tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other for AIDS. We can't tell which your husband's is." "That's terrible! Can we do the test over?" questioned Mrs Ward. "Normally, yes. But Medicare won't pay for these expensive tests more than once.…
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City Gal: “My, what a funny cow. Why doesn’t it have horns?†Farmer: “Well, you see, some cows we de-horn; some is born without horns, and some shed ‘em. But the reason this here cow ain’t got horns is, she ain’t a cow—she’s a mule.†* * *
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Billy Bob was walking down the street and up pulls Bubba in a brand new pickup. Billy Bob asks Bubba where he got the new truck. Well I was at the dance on Saturday night and this really good looking girl starting tell me about her brand new pickup, and asked me if I wanted to go for a ride in it. I told her I would.. We went out of town on the highway and then she pulled off on a dirt road, and then she pulled off into the woods.. She got out of the truck and took off all her clothes, and said "Bubba you can have anything you want" Billy Bob said that was really smart of you Bubba,...... Because those clothes never would have fit you...
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Pilot: “Have you learned the theme song of the parachute corps?†Cadet: “Theme song? What is it?†Pilot: “It don’t mean a thing if you don’t pull the string.†(From 1944) * * * *
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Once during a cross-country tour, President Coolidge was scheduled to make a speech at an Indian reservation. The tribal chief said there was a severe drought. “Our rainmakers have prayed, but it hasn’t helped. Soon the fields will lie in waste.†“I know,†said Coolidge. “And when I return to Washington, I’m going to see what can be done about it.†No sooner had he uttered the words than the heavens opened and the rain came pouring down. Coolidge, drenched, looked up at the sky and muttered: “I said ‘when I return to Washington.’†* * *
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As the conductor called out the various names of the stations, the mountain couple became more and more uneasy. The conductor called “ADAMS,†then “DUNLAP,†then “MAPLE.†The overalled gentleman turned to his wife and said, “Sarah, don’t you think it’s time for us to get off the train?†“Don’t show your ignorance, Paul,†she said. “Wait ‘til the feller calls your name.†* * *
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