Sonny's Funnies
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Love Dress
by Sonny- 0 replies
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A woman stopped by unannounced at her son's house. She knocked on the door, then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law laying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room. "What are you doing?" she asked. "I'm waiting for John to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered. "But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed. "This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained. "Love dress? But you're naked!" "John loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me …
Last reply by Sonny, -
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In Kentucky a man was arrested, charged with the possession of a bottle of corn whisky. The judge frowned and asked the prisoner if he pleaded guilty of possessing illegal moonshine. “Your honor, I’m guilty of having liquor but I am using it as a medicine for my asthma,†the defendant replied earnestly. The judge peered down from the bench. “Does it do you any good?†he asked. The man shrugged his shoulders. “Can’t tell yet, I haven’t finished the bottle.†-1958- * * *
Last reply by snowyday, -
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Meaningful Men Sayings "I'M GOING FISHING" Means: "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety." "IT'S A GUY THING" Means: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical." "CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?" Means: "Why isn't dinner already on the table?" "UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR..." Means: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response. "IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN" Means: "I have no idea how it works." "I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND." Means: "I w…
Last reply by Sonny, -
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A young soldier was being questioned by a psychiatrist. “Tell me what you dream about at night,†he asked. “Baseball,†replied the soldier. “I dream about it night after night.†“Don’t you ever dream about girls?†asked the puzzled psychiatrist. “What!†exclaimed the soldier, “And miss my turn at bat?†* * *
Last reply by snowyday, -
Examination
by Sonny- 0 replies
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Examination The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me." "Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy." "OK," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."
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John Lottajack was deeply touched when he arose to speak at the testimonial dinner given in honor of his fiftieth business anniversary. His voice trembled when he spoke. “When I came to this city,†he said, “I walked down the dusty street. I had no fine automobile. Not even a horse and buggy. My only suit was on my back and the soles of my shoes were getting thin. All my personal possessions I carried in a brown paper sack. “Our city has been good to me. My store prospered. I own a newspaper and radio station. I’m president of our largest bank and I hold controlling interest in a corporation that operates in 257 cities. I’m a member of our l…
Last reply by snowyday, -
The young, inexperienced sixth grade teacher was desperate. She had spent the previous day teaching fractions to her class, and now she could not get a single reply to any question. Finally, she threw out her hands in despair and cried out: “Doesn’t anyone here know anything about fractions?†A little pause, and a little boy raised his hand timidly: “My father,†he said, “brings home fifths.†* * *
Last reply by snowyday, -
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A drunk was leaning out of a window on the third floor of a hotel when suddenly he overbalanced and fell to the pavement below. A crowd soon gathered, then a policeman pushed his way to where the drunk was lying, and demanded: “What’s going on here?†“Dunno,†replied the drunk, I’ve just got “ere.†* * *
Last reply by snowyday, -
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Andy & Eddie One day Andy was rummaging through the collection of old photos in the attic, when he came across one that he hadn't seen in years. It was an old faded picture of his school chum, Eddie White. They'd run together for most of their growing years, but the school system sent them to different Senior schools, and that was the last they'd ever seen of each other. Andy wondered how Eddie was doing, and for the days and weeks that followed he just couldn't get Eddie out of his thoughts. He explained the waves of nostalgia that kept rolling over him to his neighbor one day, and his neighbor suggested that he take the time to look Eddie up. It to…
Last reply by Sonny, -
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One afternoon old Zeke shut down his still and trudged down to the village to get his favorite brand of tobacco. The storekeeper was all out of it, but expected a shipment soon. Disappointed, Zeke said, “Well, when you get it – telephone me.†“What? You don’t have a phone, do you?†asked the proprietor. “Nope,†said Zeke, “but you do.†* * *
Last reply by snowyday, -
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Marriage Humor Wife: 'What are you doing?' Husband: Nothing. Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.' Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.' ------------------------------- Wife : 'Do you want dinner?' Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?' Wife: 'Yes or no.' -------------------------------------------------------- Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.' Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.' Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.' ----------------------------…
Last reply by Sonny, -
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Drunk: “Believe it or not, shtreet car, I’m waiting for an offisher. I mean, believe it or offisher not, I’m street carrying for a wait— that ish—shay, what am I doing anyhow?†Officer: “Believe it or not, you’re patrolling for the wait wagon. I mean, you’re waggoning for the wait patrol—get the idea, pal?†Drunk: “Shure. You’re intohshicated?†* * * *
Last reply by snowyday, -
- 2 replies
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Man's Age, as Determined by a Trip to Home Depot You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house --. Mowing the lawn, putting in a new fence, painting the living room or whatever. You are hot and sweaty, covered in dust, lawn clippings, dirt or paint. You have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit -- shorts with the hole in the crotch, old T-shirt with a stain from who-knows-what and an old pair of tennis shoes. Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you realize you need to run to Home Depot to get something to help complete the job. Depending on your age you might do the following: In your 20's: Stop what y…
Last reply by Sonny, -
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Confucius say: "Man who run behind car get exhausted and man who run in front of car get tired"
Last reply by Sonny, -
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The maid was new in the house and obviously unfamiliar with her duties. She seemed to bungle every job expected of her. While watching television during the evening, the master of the house summoned her and asked for a bottle of beer. Moments later, she was back, clutching the bottle by the neck. “Not that way,†the master reprimanded. “Put it on a tray.†The maid scratched her head. “You want a spoon with it, sir—or do you just lap it up?†* * * *
Last reply by snowyday, -
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A doctor met a young man at a cocktail party. “I want to thank you, doctor,†said the latter, “for the benefit I have gained from your treatment.†The other looked at him blankly. “But –er— “he said. “I don’t think you’ve ever been a patient of mine.†“No, but my uncle was. I’m his heir.†* * * *
Last reply by snowyday, -
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On a hot summer day an interested group of on-lookers watched some archaeologists uncover an ancient Indian burial ground in Kansas. In the crowd was a large woman who kept loudly and repeatedly reminding the workers they were committing a crime: “An Indian has every right to a private burial. Grown men should be ashamed of themselves, disturbing the dead.†Finally, the woman triumphantly asked how the scientists knew that one of the skeletons they had just uncovered was that of an Indian squaw, as they had pointed out. Looking up the archaeologist answered slowly. “Well, madam, for one thing, you’ll note the lower jaw is worn out. …
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Remember to buy Mom a bottle, too. You're the reason she drinks.
Last reply by pwylie, -
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A kind-hearted social worker sympathizing with a prisoner who never received any visitors. “Do you mean to say that nobody ever comes to see you?†she asked. “No, madam, nobody.†“Yet you are the eldest of a family of ten children?†“Yes, madam, and not one of them will leave his cell to call on me.†* * *
Last reply by snowyday, -
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While a young suitor was waiting for his girl, the girl’s little sister sidled into the room. “Did you know my sister’s got three other boy friends?†she asked coyly. “Really,†he said in surprise. “I haven’t seen any of them.†“Neither have I,†was the reply, “but she gave me two dollars to tell you.†* * *
Last reply by snowyday, -
There had been an accident. It was the usual thing — a college student’s convertible had collided head-on with the farmer’s Model A. The two drivers got out and surveyed the damage. “Well,†said the farmer, “we may as well have a drink.†He hauled out a bottle and passed it to the student who gulped down a stiff one. The farmer calmly returned the bottle to his pocket. “Aren’t you going to have one?†asked the student. “Don’t think I will ‘till the police have checked up. -1958- * * *
Last reply by snowyday, -
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Nantucket’s editor Gordon Turner tells one about the doctor who was awakened in the middle of a stormy night by a farmer pounding on his door. “What do you charge for country calls?†the farmer asked. The doctor, impatient that anyone should haggle in the middle of the night, snapped: “Ten dollars!†Thereupon, the farmer asked the doctor to drive out to his farm immediately. The doctor dressed and drove the farmer over muddy roads as fast as conditions permitted. As they stopped in front of the house, the farmer got out of the car and handed $10 to the doctor. “What’s this?†asked the surprised doctor. “There isn’…
Last reply by snowyday, -
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Millionaire steel magnate Andrew Carnegie experienced the pinch of poverty in his youth. One night, shortly after he had sold his holdings for almost a half billion dollars to the newly formed United States Steel Co., a dinner was given in his honor. When Carnegie was asked to speak, he got up and said: “I only wish someone had thought of giving me this dinner when I needed it.†* * * *
Last reply by snowyday, -
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A very pretty and charming young wife phoned a psychiatrist. “I’m sending my husband to you. There is something dreadfully wrong with him. Not only does he ignore me completely, but he is different from every other married man I know. He never takes a second glance at any woman, even the most beautiful and exotic.†The psychiatrist promised to call her when he had finished diagnosing her husband, and he did. “You have absolutely nothing to worry about,†he assured her. “Your husband isn’t unbalanced of mind, or even neurotic or eccentric. He’s just stupid.†* * * *
Last reply by snowyday, -
At the office Christmas party, a very new employee was talking with a matron when his attention was drawn to a beefy individual leading an animated conversation a few feet away. “Who’s old hefty with the over-sized ears?†he asked. “Why,†she replied, “that’s my husband. He’s head of your department.†“I was just going to say,†quietly explained the new employee, “that on a big man like him, over-sized ears are very becoming.†* * * *
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