Sonny's Funnies
2,949 topics in this forum
-
- 0 replies
- 914 views
A man was boasting to a neighbor who had lived in the same block of flats that he had kissed every woman in the building but one. The neighbor, boiling with jealousy, went straight home and reported the story to his wife, saying, with a suspicious glance: I wonder, Maggie, who the woman is that he hasn’t kissed? Oh, was the reply, I suppose it will be that stuck-up Mrs. MacIntosh on the third floor. * * * * snowyday
Last reply by snowyday, -
-
- 0 replies
- 886 views
Joe was proud of his golf and that morning he had brought his mother-in-law along to watch him play. “I’m particularly anxious to make a long drive just now,†he said to his friend. “There’s my mother-in-law over there and ‘I—“ “Don’t be a foul,†snapped the other. “You’ll never hit her at this distance.†* * * * snowyday
Last reply by snowyday, -
But, Doctor, â€said the worried patient, “are you sure I’ll pull through? I’ve heard of cases where the doctor made the wrong diagnosis, and treated someone for pneumonia who has afterward died of typhoid fever.†“Nonsense,†sputtered the affronted physician. “When I treat a patient for pneumonia, he dies of pneumonia.†* * * * snowyday
Last reply by snowyday, -
- 0 replies
- 930 views
Comedians' Best Lines "I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was, 'You'll never find anyone like me again!' I'm thinking, 'I should hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you?' --Larry Miller "A woman broke up with me and sent me pictures of her and her new boyfriend in bed together. Solution? I sent them to her dad." --Christopher Case "Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp." --Bo…
Last reply by Sonny, -
- 0 replies
- 1.1k views
In Kentucky, where men pride themselves on their ability to recognize good whisky, they tell a story to illustrate the art. Two Bluegrass senators sat down to sample a barrel of bourbon. “Mighty fine licker,†allowed one senator tentatively. After rolling it over on his tongue, he added: “But there’s something in that barrel that gives it a slight metallic taste.†The other senator took a dipperful, disagreed. “It’s a slight leathery taste.†He said. Laying a wager as to which is right they kept dipping until the barrel was empty, then turned it over to see what was in it. Out dropped a leather-headed tack. * * * * snowyday
Last reply by snowyday, -
A kind old gentleman was strolling down the street when he saw a small boy standing on the front steps of a house, trying to reach the doorbell. The small boy stood on tiptoe, and even jumped up as high as he could, but he was unable to reach the bell. The kind old gentleman went up the steps, rang the bell, and said: Well, my little man, now what?†“I don’t know what you’re going to do,†said the little man, “but, I’m going to run like the dickens!†* * * * snowyday
Last reply by snowyday, -
Q. What's the difference between a man and E.T.? A. E.T. phoned home. Q. How do men get exercise at the beach? A. By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini. Q. What's a man's idea of helping with the housework? A. Lifting his legs so you can vacuum. Q. Why are all dumb blond jokes one liners? A. So men can understand them. Q. How do women define a 50/50 relationship? A. We cook/they eat; We clean/they dirty; We iron/ they wrinkle. Q. What is the difference between government bonds and men? A. Government bonds mature. Q. How are men like noodles? A. They are always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough. Q. Why is psy…
Last reply by Sonny, -
from a 1946 newspaper After a shipwreck, a doctor, a preacher and a lawyer found themselves in a row-boat without oars. They came in sight of an island, but their only hope of landing was for someone to go over the side through the shark-infested sea and tow the boat to land. Lots were drawn, and it fell to the lawyer. When he slipped over the side the sharks divided, and made an avenue for him. “An answer to prayer,†said the parson. “No, no, just professional courtesy,†commented the doctor. * * * * from a 1943 newspaper snowyday
Last reply by snowyday, -
- 0 replies
- 950 views
“Why can’t you ever plow a straight furrow?†demanded the farmer of his new hired hand. “I keep telling you to keep your eyes on an object in the next field and make straight for it.†“That’s exactly what I do,†complained the man, “but the cow that I’m fixed on keeps moving about.†* * * * snowyday
Last reply by snowyday, -
- 0 replies
- 1k views
WOMEN OVER 50 As I grow in age, I value women over 50 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why: A woman over 50 will never wake you in the middle of the night and ask, 'What are you thinking?' She doesn't care what you think. If a woman over 50 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do, and it's usually more interesting. Women over 50 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get away with it. Older women are generous with pra…
Last reply by Sonny, -
- 2 replies
- 1.4k views
Redneck Medical Terms Benign - What you be, after you be eight. Artery - The study of paintings Bacteria - Back door to cafeteria Barium - what doctors do when patients die Cesarean section - a neighborhood in Rome Cat scan - searching for kitty Cauterize - made eye contact with her Colic - a sheep dog coma- a punctuation mark D & C - Where Washington is Dilate - to live long Enema - Not a friend Fester - quicker than someone else Fibula - a small lie Genital - a non-Jewish person GI series - world series of military baseball Hangnail - what you hang your coat on Impotent - distinguished, well-known Labor pain - getting hurt at work medical staff…
Last reply by Sonny, -
- 10 replies
- 3k views
Hazardous Materials Data Sheet
Last reply by gizzard, -
- 1 reply
- 1.4k views
SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet. FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle. ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling. SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet. FAULT: Improper bladder control. ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training. SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless. FAULT: Glass empty. ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer. SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights. FAULT: You have fallen over backward. ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar. SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts. FAULT: You have fallen forward. ACTION: See above. SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet. FAULT:…
Last reply by Sonny, -
- 1 reply
- 1.2k views
Seven Dwarves
Last reply by Dan Wilson, -
- 0 replies
- 1.1k views
A 1st grade school teacher had twenty-six students in her class. She presented each child in her classroom the 1st half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading, keep in mind that these are first-graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic! 1. Don't change horses until they stop running. 2. Strike while the bug is close. 3. It's always darkest before Daylight Saving Time. 4. Never underestimate the power of termites. 5. You can lead a horse to water but How? 6. Don't bite the hand that looks dirt…
Last reply by Sonny, -
A man was talking long distance on the telephone and he was having great trouble in making the party at the other end of the line understand his name. “My name is Jitcob,†he shouted into the phone. “I didn’t catch it,†was the reply at the other end. “Jitcob,†again came the shout. “Eh?†“Jitcob!†roared the first man. J-I-T-C-O-B! J as in Arkansas, I as in head, T as in China, C as in look, O as in circle, and B as in hive!†* * * * snowyday
Last reply by snowyday, -
HOLY HUMOR
by Sonny- 0 replies
- 844 views
HOLY HUMOR A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, I know what the Bible means!" His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means? The son replied, "I do know!" "Okay," said his father. "What does the Bible mean?" "That's easy, Daddy..." the young boy replied excitedly " It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth' -------------- There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country. "Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk. "Only the Ten Commandments." answered the lady. ======== "Somebody has said the…
Last reply by Sonny, -
DAMITOL D A M N I T O L - Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours. ST. M O M M A'S W O R T - Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days. E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N - Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out. P E P T O B I M B O - Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception. D U M B E R O L - When taken with Peptobimbo, can caus…
Last reply by Sonny, -
The small one was saying his evening prayer. Mother listened attentively while he went through the usual list of objects meriting divine favor – every cousin, playmate and animal he could think of. Then, suddenly, just before the Amen he inserted an ad lib. “And God, please make Daddy smell nice.†Mother’s head snapped back. “Make Daddy smell nice! Why pray for such a thing?†“Because tonight when you were arguing at the supper table,†responded the child, “I heard you call him a stinker.†* * * * snowyday
Last reply by snowyday, -
- 0 replies
- 878 views
A bus stops and 2 men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following: "Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more! Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time." The lady can't take this any more, "You foul-mouthed sex-obsessed pig," she retorted indignantly. "In this country we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives." "Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my…
Last reply by Sonny, -
- 0 replies
- 889 views
A small boy sat down to breakfast one morning when as usual, eggs were served. The boy surveyed them grimly for a moment and then said. “I wish to goodness hens would lay something besides eggs.†* * * * snowyday
Last reply by snowyday, -
- 0 replies
- 977 views
No sex since 1955 A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation. "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?" "Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature." The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action." "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action." The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a littl…
Last reply by Sonny, -
A husband wrote the following letter for his wife and left it on the dining room table: 'To My Dear Wife, You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter I hope you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18-year-old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset - I shall be back home before midnight.' When the man came home late that night he found the following letter on the dining room table: To My Dear Husband, I received your letter and thank …
Last reply by Sonny, -
- 0 replies
- 984 views
Editor Horace Greeley possessed a handwriting which was well nigh illegible. One morning he found in the mail a poem from a female contributor. It was so unimaginative that Greeley was prompted to write the lady, in his own hand, a long letter of sharp criticism. This done, he dismissed the matter from his mind. Several days later, he received a reply from the aspiring poetess. It had taken a little time to decipher his scrawl, she explained, but having succeeded at last, she was happy to inform him that she had decided to accept his offer of marriage. * * * * snowyday
Last reply by snowyday, -
WORK
Last reply by Sonny,