Sonny's Funnies
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A man was reading a prepared address to a meeting of industrialists and he swung into his speech: “The average businessman is tired. He has worked long and diligent in difficult times and he is weary. He is physically and mentally exhausted. But he isn’t nearly as tired as the girls who have to type all this hogwash.†There came a long tense pause while a delighted audience began to yelp its appreciation. The speaker stared at his script in unbelief. “Why,†he blurted at last, “I never wrote anything like that!†* * * * snowyday
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A young Quaker woman was driving a brand new car down the street one day when at a crossing, a heavy truck without brakes collided with her, bending a fender, breaking a window and flattening the side of her car. The Quaker woman closed her eyes and counted slowly, remembering her upbringing. She then got out, walked over to the truck and said: “When thee gets home to thy kennel tonight, I hope thy mother bites thee.†* * * * snowyday
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In a Western mining town, the sheriff came upon a group of angry citizens about to hang a man to a tree near a gambling hall: “What’s going on here, boys?†“We’re going to string up this here Easterner.†Was the reply. “Catch him cheating at cards?†“No, sheriff.†“Steal somebody’s hoss?†“No, sheriff.†“Rustlin’ cattle, mebbe?†“No, sheriff.†“Well, thunderation, what did the feller do, then?†“Why, he said ‘eye-ther’ and ‘ny-ther.†“Oh, well,†said the sheriff, “come on boys; what are we waiting fer?†“Hang him.†* * * * snowyday
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Green: “What are you doing this evening?†White: “Celebrating my wife’s fifth anniversary.†Green: “Wedding anniversary?†White: “No, fifth anniversary of her fortieth birthday.†* * * * snowyday
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I knew a blonde that was so stupid that....... * she called me to get my phone number. * she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate." * she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind. *she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order. *she sent me a fax with a stamp on it. *she tried to drown a fish. *she thought a quarterback was a refund. *she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death. *she tripped over a cordless phone. *she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept. *she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store. *she studied for a blood test. *she tho…
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Jeb, accused of stealing chickens, was taken before the judge. His lawyer made such a stirring plea that Jeb was acquitted. Outside the courtroom his friend turned to him and asked, “Jeb, did you or didn’t you steal those chickens?†“Well,†replied Jeb, “to tell the truth I thought I did, but after hearing that there lawyer, I’m durned if I know whether I did or not.†* * * * snowyday
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An elderly lady driving along, nonchalantly, turned a corner and ran over a teen-aged youth crossing the street. Without change of expression the old lady pulled on the other side of the victim, rolled down her window and called. “Young man, you’d better look out.†Rising to one elbow the trembling youth exclaimed, “My gosh, lady, don’t tell me your gonna back up.†* * * * snowyday
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New Driver
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Junior had just received his brand new drivers license. To celebrate, the whole family trooped out to the driveway and climbed into the car for his inaugural drive. Dad immediately headed to the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver. "I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," said the beaming boy to his old man. "Nope," came dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit back here and kick the back of your seat while you drive, just like you have been doing to me for sixteen years."
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“If you get up earlier in the morning than your neighbor,†said the town philosopher, “and work harder and stick to your job more closely and stay up later planning how to make more money than your neighbor, and burn the midnight oil planning how to get ahead of him while he is snoozing, not only will you leave more money when you die than he will, but you’ll leave it a darn sight sooner.†* * * * snowyday
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A murder trial was in progress, and the whole case hung on the matter of time. Only one witness had seen the prisoner on the day in question, and he was the timid little man in the witness box. Counsel for the defense stood up, cleared his throat, and pointed his finger at the witness. “Now, think carefully,†he began. “Are you quite sure it was exactly a quarter to 9 when you met my client?†“Er – quite sure.†Replied the witness. “Remember,†went on counsel, sternly, “that a man’s life depends on your being right. It was a lonely road, there were no clocks about, you admit you hadn’t a watch, yet you remember the time exactly. Tel…
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“What did you come to college for, anyway?†demanded the disgusted professor. “You are not doing any studying.†“Well,†replied the student. “Mother says it’s to fit me for the presidency of the United States. Uncle Jim says it’s to sow my wild oats. Sister Helen says it’s to get a chum for her to marry. And Dad says it’s to bankrupt the family.†* * * * snowyday
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A motorist whose car broke down one night on a lonely road in Northern Ireland found humble but hospitable accommodation in a small croft nearby. Next morning his breakfast consisted mainly of a large bowl of porridge. During the meal he was astonished to find himself rather popular with a small pig, which nuzzled against his legs in a most affectionate and persistent manner. At last he remarked to his host: “Your pig seems to have taken a great liking to me. I didn’t know a pig could be so affectionate.†“Oh, it’s not you it likes,†was the Irishman’s reply. “It’s just that you’re using his bowl.†* * * * snowyday
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What is Generation Y?
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The young man wrapped his arms around the pretty girl. “My darling,’ he breathed “you’re all the world to me. I don’t know what I’d do without you. I love----- At that moment, the doorbell rang. The girl jumped up. It’s my fiancé,†she gasped. “You must leave at once. Oh, hurry.†The young man looked around nervously. “But how am I going to leave?†he asked anxiously. “I can’t go out by the door. Your fiancé would see me.†The girl thought quickly. “Jump out of the window,†she advised. “But we’re on the thirteenth floor.†The girl stamped her foot. “So what?†she rasped. “At this stage are you goi…
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THINGS MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME 1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning." 2. My mother taught me RELIGION. "You better pray that will come out of the carpet." 3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you Into the middle of next week!" 4. My mother taught me LOGIC. " Because I said so, that's why." 5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC. "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, You're not …
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John Deere Tractor
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They tell a story about Mark Twain who was visiting at a neighbor’s home. He picked up an interesting book and asked the friend if he could read it. “You’re welcome to it, but I must ask you to read it here,†the neighbor said. “I make it a rule never to let any book out of my library.†Later in the summer, the same neighbor wanted to borrow Twain’s lawnmower. “You’re welcome to it,†Twain said. “But I must ask you to use it here. I make it a rule never to let my lawnmower out of the yard. * * * * snowyday
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And then there was the man who, after twenty-odd years, was finally being released, cured, from a mental institution. The great day dawned. His going-away clothes laid out, he stood shaving. At the precise moment that he bent down to rinse his razor, the mirror over the washstand took leave of it’s moorings, slid to the basin, and bounced on the floor. Straightening, the chap gazed at the expanse of blank wall, then threw his razor down and started shaking clenched fists. Tears streaming down his face, he sobbed: “Look what I’ve gone and done! Half my life I’ve spent in this place, and the day I get out. I have to go and cut my head of…
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The woman sitting in the specialist’s waiting room was portly. At a summons from an attendant, she arose and waddled into the specialist’s sanctum. The doctor threw up his hands in horror. My good woman!†he exclaimed, “you are stouter than ever! Have you been following the treatment I prescribed? Are you quite sure you ate exactly what I ordered?†“Everything,†replied the patient. “And nothing else?†“Nothing whatever,†she replied. “Except of course, my regular meals.†* * * * snowyday
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Accompanied by a driver, an American major in a motor vehicle was stopped by the sentry on guard at a cross-road. “Who goes there?†“One American major, one-ton truck of fertilizer and one buck private.†They were allowed to proceed, but at every cross-road they went through the same formula. After a time the driver asked if they were likely to be stopped again. “I guess so,†replied the major. “Well, major,†said the private, “the next time we are stopped would you mind giving me priority over the fertilizer?†* * * snowyday
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A big business tycoon appeared at his office one morning complaining of a violent headache. His staff gathered around him to sympathize, and a junior clerk volunteered the following: “I had a terrible headache not long ago, but it didn’t last long. My wife pulled me over on the sofa with her and gave me a great big kiss. Believe it or not, the pain disappeared immediately.†The sufferer reached for his hat. I’ve tried everything else,†he moaned. “Is your wife home now?†* * * * snowyday
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Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France . Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.. And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese?…
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You know you're getting old... ________________________________________ 1. You and your teeth don't sleep together. 2. Your try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren't wearing any. 3. At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and you're not eating cereal. 4. Your back goes out but you stay home. 5. When you wake up looking like your driver's license picture. 6. It takes two tries to get up from the couch. 7. When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio. 8. When happy hour is a nap. 9. When you're on vacation and your ENERGY runs out before your money does. 10. When you say something to your kids t…
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“I hear you sold your pig.†“Yep, sold him this morning.†“What did you get for him?†“Eight dollars.†“What did it cost you to raise him?†“Paid $3 for him and $5 for feed.†“Didn’t make much, did he?†“Nope, but I had his company all fall.†* * * * snowyday
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In the house of a certain ancient family in Teviotdale in Scotland, it was the custom to place in the sleeping apartment of each guest a Bible, along with a bottle of strong ale. Now it happened that on one occasion a number of clergymen spent the night there, and, following another custom, several of the reverend gentlemen were lodged together in one large barrack room. The butler took care that each of the divines was presented with a Bible and a bottle of ale. The servant had scarcely left the room when a whispered conference was held, and he was quickly recalled to the chamber. “My friend,†one of the venerable gentlemen said to him, “…
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