Sonny's Funnies
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An Irishman entered a barber shop for a shave. After he was seated and the lather was being applied, the barber was called to the adjoining room, where he was detained. The barber had in the shop a pet monkey which caused amusement by imitating its master. As soon as the barber had left the room the monkey seized the shaving brush. Dipped it in the lather and proceeded to apply it to the Irishman’s face. When that operation was finished to the monkey’s satisfaction, the little animal picked up a razor, and, after stropping it, turned to Pat to shave him. “Stop that!†cried Pat firmly, sitting erect. “Ye can tuck the towel in my neck, and p…
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A naval strategist of the highest order, Adm. Chester W. Nimitz, is likewise a supremely wise student of feminine psychology. When the Breakers Hotel at Waikiki was opened as a recreation center for enlisted men, the Admiral put in an appearance, and permitted himself to be photographed dancing with an exceedingly comely brunette. A few days later the picture was offered for his inspection and he readily and cheerfully approved it, for publicity purposes. But, at the same time, he said, “I’ll take one, if you don’t mind.†The Admiral then wrote a brief communication, slipped it into an envelope along with the photograph and said to an assistant.  
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The history of press agentry presents one of its classic studies in futility in Bill Pine’s adventure with the fifty parrots. Bill, who had long been one of Hollywood’s most potent publicists, conceived the idea of training half a hundred of the talkative birds to repeat the title of Mae West’s newest film, “It Ain’t No Sin.†His plan was to dispatch the parrots to the larger American cities, where they could enliven interest in the picture by screaming the words to the natives. The drilling consumed many days of painful, nerve-wracking labor, but at last was accomplished. On the day before the picture’s scheduled release, Bill Pine went in …
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Two Boilermakers at the railroad shops were cutting out rusted steam heat bolts. One held the long chisel while the other swung a 20-pound maul. But they couldn’t get their signals straight. When the fellow with the chisel was ready for the blow, the fellow with the sledge-hammer wasn’t, and vice versa. Finally they were hailed by the irate voice of the foreman. “When are you guys gonna’ get that job done? This engine’s gotta get out of here.†The two dolts hastily renewed their efforts. “Look, said the chisel-holder, I’ll get the chisel set, and when I do, I’ll shake my head. When I shake my head, you hit it!†The h…
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A tramp knocked at the back door of an inn called “George and the Dragon.†When the landlady opened the door, the tramp asked, “Can you spare a poor man a bite to eat?†“No!†screamed the woman and slammed the door in his face. After a few minutes the tramp knocked again, and the same woman opened the door. “Now,†asked the tramp, “could I have a few words with George?†* * * * snowyday
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A northern visitor pausing at a country store in the Tennessee mountains was greeted by a grizzled native with a pleasant “Howdy,†and passed the time of day with the old gentleman on the most agreeable terms. The traveler was considerably taken aback when he happened to glance down at the native’s feet and discovered they were unshod. “Tell me,†he inquired, ‘is it the custom of this section to go bare-footed?†“Waal,†the old man drawled, “some of us wear shoes, but all of us tend to our own business.†* * * * snowyday
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Tony was drafted and sent overseas. One day, because of his awkwardness, he was being kidded by his lieutenant. “What did you do before you joined upâ€â€ asked the officer. “I playa da music, and da monkey collect da money.†“Why did you join the Army then?†“I no join. I was drafted>†“And what became of your monkey?†“Oh, dey make a lieutenant out of him.†* * * * snowyday
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A woman missionary in China took tea with a Mandarin’s eight wives. Her clothes, hair and teeth interested them, but her feet amazed them. “Why,†cried one, “you can walk or run as well as a man.†“Yes, to be sure,†said the missionary. “Can you ride a horse and swim too?†“Yes.†“Then you must be as strong as a man.†“I am.†“And you wouldn’t let a man beat you – not even if he was your husband – would you?†“Indeed I wouldn’t.†The oldest of the wives said softly. “Now I understand why the foreign devil never has more than one wife. He is afraid.†* * * * snowyday
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A wealthy man had a tenant owing him $10 which she was too poor to pay at the time. Being a kindly man, he sought her minister, to whom he gave the $10 asking him to pass it on, so that when he called she would be able to pay. “So you have found the rent?†remarked the landlord. “Yes, indeed, but no thanks to you, you old wretch,†said the tenant. * * * * snowyday
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Marshall (Shotgun) Leftwich, 49, told Police Court Justice S. R. Price, according to a dispatch from Roanoke, Virginia, why he got drunk on a mixture of shellac reducer and water. “You see, judge,†said Leftwich, “a woman told me to build her a new henhouse out of an old henhouse, and not to tear down the old henhouse until the new one was built. “Judge, I had to get drunk on that.†The case was dismissed. * * * * snowyday
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The woman lion tamer had her beasts under perfect control. At her summons the fiercest lion came meekly to her and took a piece of sugar out of her mouth. The circus crowd marveled—all except one man. Man (yelling from the audience) Any one can do that.†Ringmaster: (scornfully) Would you dare do it?†Man: Certainly. “I can do it just as well as the lion can.†* * * * snowyday
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There was once a mighty king who bestowed a princely reward upon every barber who gave him a good shave. But if the barber drew so much as one drop of blood from him, he had the unfortunate man beheaded. One day a new barber gave the king a most excellent shave, and received his rich reward. “Were you nervous for fear you’d cut me?†the king asked. The barber smiled. “No, Your, Majesty,†he replied; “for if I had drawn a drop of blood from you, you would never have lived to raise an alarm. I would have slit your throat from ear to ear!†Moral: The power of the world’s mightiest man ends at the edge of a razor—or the end of a gun! * * * *…
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Jerusha – “Bildad, do you know that tomorrow will be the twenty-fifth anniversary of our wedding?†Bildad – “Ye don’t say so. What about it?†Jerusha – “I thought maybe we ought to kill them two Rhode Island Red chickens.†Bildad – “How in thunder can you blame them two chickens for what happened twenty-five years ago?†* * * * snowday
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The sad, quiet, big-eyed little lady sat in the psychiatrist’s office. The good doctor questioned her gently as to why her family wanted her locked up. “Now tell me,†he said, “just what is your trouble?†“It’s just that . . . just that I’m so fond of pancakes, doctor.†“I like pancakes too,†the doctor said. “Oh, doctor, really?†she trilled, clasping her hands together with joy. “You must come over to our house . . . I’ve got trunks and trunks full of them.†* * * * snowyday
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My cousin was one of the first to enlist in the WAVES. Soon after arrival at boot camp her contingent was herded into a long narrow building that had only two doors – one at each end. The rear door led to the dispensary where a doctor was to give the newcomers their physical examinations. Stripped to the skin, and embarrassed beyond words, the girls waited. Suddenly the dispensary door opened. Through it a seasoned pharmacist’s mate thrust his head and, without showing any signs of indecision, sang out. “Close your eyes, girls, I’m coming through!†* * * * From a 1949 Newspaper snowyday
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Before a country inn two thieves espied a fine horse hitched to a farm wagon. “We need that animal,†said one of the thieves, “but if the owner came out and found him gone he’d give chase and capture us. That would mean jail for us.†“Leave it to me,†said the other thief. “You take the horse and ride away as fast as you can. I’ll take care of the owner.†When the owner of the horse came out of the inn, he found his horse gone, and in its stead stood the thief, the harness upon him, the feed bag hanging from his neck. “What’s the meaning of this?†the farmer cried. “My dear sir,†replied the man in the harness, “don’ get exci…
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A New Yorker went to the Tennessee Mountains for the first time. He left the hotel one morning to view the countryside. In a little while he returned, his clothes torn, his face and arms scratched and bleeding. “What happened to you?” the hotel clerk inquired. “A little black snake chased me!” the man replied breathlessly. “But that little snake isn’t poisonous.” “Listen,” the man replied, “if he can make you jump off a 60-foot cliff, he doesn’t have to be!” * * * *
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One day when happy-go-lucky Dick Oglesby was Governor of Illinois he went to Joliet to inspect the state prison. In one cell he found a man so ugly that he said to himself, “Even if a man has the right to be homely, this bird has abused the privilege.†“How did you get here?†He asked the ugly man. “Abduction.†Was the bitter reply. “I tried to run off with a girl and they caught me.†“I’ll pardon you as soon as I get back to Springfield,†said the governor. “I don’t see how you can get a wife any other way!†* * * * snowyday
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During the war there were many soldiers who were placed in jobs for which, to put it charitably, they were not exactly fitted. There was, for instance, the company of Cockneys who were put to work cutting down some trees. They had never cut a tree in London. They were chipping away, torturously gnawing into a tree with their inexpert axes, when the officer in command inquired, “Corporal, in which direction are you going to fell that tree..†The little Cockney pauses, wiped the sweat from his brow, and growled, “Ow the ‘ell do I know?†Do I look like a bloody prophet?†* * * * snowyday
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George Bernard Shaw was having luncheon in a London restaurant one day when an orchestra struck up a particularly noisy tune. Without intermission, the orchestra followed it up with another. Shaw called the head waiter and asked, “Does the orchestra play requests?†“Yes, sir,†the man replied. “Is there something you would like them to play?†“There is,†replied Shaw. “ask them to play dominoes until I have finished eating.†* * * * snowyday
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A who was stopped by a policeman for speeding, became very angry and called the traffic cop an ass. After he paid his fine, the judge reproved him for what he had said to the officer. Then I mustn’t call a policeman an ass? He said. Certainly not, said the judge. You must not insult the police. But you wouldn’t mind if I called an ass a policeman, would you? No, if it gives you any satisfaction, said his honor with a smile. The motorist turned to the man who had arrested him, and said, “Good-day, policeman.†* * * * snowyday
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In the post office of a North Carolina village a stranger saw the local patriarch sitting on a flour barrel and whistling. A bystander informed him that the old fellow had already passed his one hundredth birthday. Impressed, the stranger exclaimed: “Isn’t that amazing!†“We don’t see nothin’ amazin’ ‘bout it round here,†was the laconic reply. “All he’s done is grown old – and he took longer than most people would to do that!†* * * *
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A lost motorist saw he was approaching an old man. “Hi,†he shouted, “do you know the way to Springfield?†The old man shook his head. “No danged if I do,†he said. The motorist drove on slowly, and when he had gone about half a mile he looked in the mirror and saw two men standing in the road motioning for him to come back. Slowly and painfully he backed his car down the narrow road. “Well?†he said. “This is my friend George,†said the old man. “He don’t know either.†* * * * snowyday
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A guard from the lunatic asylum rushed up to a farmer and said: I’m looking for an escaped lunatic. Did he pass this way? The farmer puffed thoughtfully on his pipe and asked: “What does he look like?†“He’s very short,†said the guard, “and he’s very thin, and he weighs 250 pounds.†The farmer looked at him in amazement. “How can a man be short and thin and weigh 250 pounds?†he asked. “Don’t look so surprised,†said the guard angrily. “I told you he was crazy.†* * * * snowyday
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Finally caught up with, an old criminal, convicted of enough evil doing to keep him in the penitentiary for a hundred years, was being assigned his number, 26813, by the warden. “Can’t you give me one that don’t end in thirteen?†growled the prisoner. “I don’t want to stick my neck out by inciting bad luck.†* * * * Snowyday
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