Sonny's Funnies
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A fond mother received the following letter from her son: “Dear Mum—I joined the Navy because I liked the way the ships were kept so clean and tidy. But I never knew until this week who keeps them so clean and tidy,--Love Jimmy.†* * *
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An old lady living in the country had a son in the Navy. On one of her rare visits to a neighboring town she saw a sailor. Trembling with excitement she asked him if he knew her boy. She told him his name. “Well, what ship is he on?†asked the sailor. “What ship?†exclaimed the old lady. “Are there two?†* * *
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“I have come to join my husband,†said Mrs. Smith, arriving at the Golden Gate. “Delighted to meet you, ma’am,†replied the keeper. “What was your husband’s name?†“Joseph Smith.†“I’m afraid that will not be sufficient for us to identify him. You see we have quite a lot of Joseph Smith’s up here. Are there any other means by which I can identify him?†“Well before he died he told me that if I ever kissed another man he would turn over in his grave.†“Oh, I know the chap. Up here we call him “Whirling Joe!†* * * Snowyday
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This is the story of John Mule, late of the United States Coast Guard. It couldn’t happen anywhere but here. One day the sailors at the Coast Guard depot in Curtis Bay, Maryland, wearying of hauling coal in wheelbarrows to fuel their ships, pooled their funds and purchased a mule to do their hauling for them. But mules must eat, and the pay of a Coast Guard sailor hardly provided for feeding a mule. The problem was temporarily solved by enlisting the mule in the Coast Guard, putting his name on the official payroll as John Mule, fireman third class. But fireman third class, John Mule proved to be an extremely hearty eater, and soon they found if necessary to prom…
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“I have a pain in my abdomen.†The recruit told the Army doctor. “Young man,†the doctor replied, “officers have abdomens, sergeants have stomachs, you have a belly ache.†Times Record of Troy, New York, December 24, 1943. * * * Snowyday
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On the day that Hitler seized power over his countrymen, a famous professor of economics in Heidelberg was asked what he would do if he suddenly got a letter from the Gestapo. “For one thing,†he replied, “I would finish reading it on the train.†Snowyday
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A United States Army Major stationed in Australia decided to go on a kangaroo hunt. He climbed into his jeep and instructed his driver to proceed to the plains in quest of a kangaroo. Soon they spotted one, and the driver drove the jeep in hot pursuit. For some time they went at breakneck speed without gaining on the animal. Finally the driver shouted to the Major: “Ain’t no use chasing that thing, sir!†“Why.†Sam?†“Cause we is now doin’ sixty-five, and that critter ain’t put his front feet down yet!†* * * from a 1945 newspaper snowyday
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From a 1946 newspaper: The old sailor had retired from the sea. Each morning a youngster knocked at his door, went in, and came out again. After this had gone on for some weeks the curiosity of the neighbors was aroused. “Tell me,†said one neighbor to the youngster, “why do you visit that old sailor every morning?†“Well, sir, he gives me a nickel if I say to him. “The captain wants you immediately!†“And what does he say to that?†“He says, “Tell the captain to go to the devil!†* * * Snowyday
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She: “What do you do in the Navy?†He: “I’m a bone specialist.†She: “Oh, you set them? He: “No, I roll ‘em.†Snowyday
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From 1943 A certain officer’s confidential report had written on it, by his commanding officer: “This officer should go far.†The Brigadier added: “The farther the better†The divisional commander wrote: “He should start at once.†snowyday
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Cleared to land but runway condition, RCR is, ahhh, maybe 12...... [ATTACH]1929[/ATTACH]
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USAF reactions to this event follow: Air Education and Training Command: The purpose is to familiarize the chicken with road-crossing procedures. Road-crossing should be performed only between the hours of sunset and sunrise. Solo chickens must have at least three miles of visibility and a safety observer. Special Ops: The chicken crossed at a 90 degree angle to avoid prolonged exposure to a line of communication. To achieve maximum surprise, the chicken should have performed this maneuver at night using NVG’s, preferably near a road bend in a valley. Air Combat Command: The chicken should log this as a GCC sortie only if road-crossing qualified. The crossin…
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This is so funny-- Click here: Understanding Southern - Bill Cosby
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Age VS Youth F16 vs C-130 A C-130 was lumbering along when a cocky F-16 flashed by. The jet jockey decided to show off. The fighter jock told the C-130 pilot, 'watch this!' and promptly Went into a barrel roll followed by a steep climb. He then finished With a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier. The F-16 pilot Asked the C-130 pilot what he thought of that? The C-130 pilot said, 'That was impressive, but watch this!' The C-130 droned along for about 5 minutes and then the C-130 Pilot came back on and said: 'What did you think of that?' Puzzled, the F-16 pilot asked, 'What the heck did you do?' The C-130 pilot chuc…
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Looking for that Tom Wilson bit reminded me of this I have a file of about 365 B&T skits - so if you want more Uncle BS stories, I'd have to look through that.
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I guy named Bob retired from his first job in his early 50s; after a short time he realized he needed something else to do or he would go nuts. He took a job at a small production company and excelled at everything he was assigned and took the initiative to to improve/streamline things. He only had one fault....he was 5-15 minutes late every morning. Finally his boss called him in....."Bob, we're very pleased with your performance, in fact you've exceeded all expectations except one. You're late every morning. Now I see here that you retired from the Air Force; I can't believe an outfit like that would tolerate something like this. Did this happen there too?" "Yes"…
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This was an activity listing at a resort we were at in Orlando. This is just a wrong name for a scheduled activity, especially behind the playground. WRONG, WRONG, WRONG.
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Not necessarily my thoughts. How do you starve a Democrat? Hide their food stamps under their work boots.
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On the following map in getting directions enter Japan in A and China in B, scrool down to #43 > http://maps.google.com/maps?hl=en&tab=wl
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1. Never pee on the electric fence. 2. Never fry bacon while naked.
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A professor at the Virginia Tech was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students.* *Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly* *He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, 'Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'* *She replied, 'Probably deer hunting with his buddies.'* *It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom.........*
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We all need a good Laugh... Judas Asparagus If you need a laugh today, then this should do it! A child was asked to write a book report on the entire Bible. This is amazing and brought tears of laughter to my eyes. I wonder how often we take for granted that children understand what we are teaching??? Through the eyes of a child: The Children's Bible in a Nutshell In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God is one, but I think He must be a lot older than that. Anyway, God said, 'Give m…
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HER DIARY Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior …
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There I was at six thousand feet over central Iraq, two hundred eighty knots and we're dropping faster than Paris Hilton's panties. It's a typical September evening in the Persian Gulf; hotter than a rectal thermometer and I'm sweating like a priest at a Cub Scout meeting. But that's neither here nor there. The night is moonless over Baghdad tonight, and blacker than a Steven King novel. But it's 2004, folks, and I'm sporting the latest in night-combat technology. Namely, hand-me-down night vision goggles (NVGs) thrown out by the fighter boys. Additionally, my 1962 Lockheed C-130E Hercules is equipped with an obsolete, yet, semi-effective missile warning system…
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