Sonny's Funnies
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A drunk staggered into a busy restaurant and settled himself at the exact center of the busy lunch counter. A waiter handed him a menu and, after a decent interval of waiting, returned to take his order. “Don’t rush me, bud, don’t rush me,†the drunk muttered. For a long time, while trade went merrily on about him, the inebriated patron pondered his inner needs. Then, at long last, he whinnied, “Gimmie an omelet.†“What kind of omelet?†the waiter asked. The drunk went into another conference with himself, while the waiter retired in high dudgeon. After a while, the drunk beckoned the man back to him. “Know what kind of omelet I want…
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Walking away from the railroad station, Bill met Henry Green, an old friend. Henry put out his hand in greeting and said: “Hi there, Bill! How are you?” Bill apologized: “Sorry I can’t shake hands—mine are too greasy.” Henry: “Why are they so dirty when you’re all dressed up?” Bill: “Just been seeing my wife off for a month’s visit with her mother, and I just couldn’t resist caressing the engine.” * * * *
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Two moonshiners from the West Virginia Mountains were taking their first train trip. They had heard of soda pop, but neither had ever tasted any, so when the vendor came through the car they each bought a bottle. The first moonshiner wiped the lip of the bottle with his hand and took a long drink—just as the train entered a tunnel. “How do you like it, Jed?†asked his companion in the darkness. “Don’t touch that stuff, Lem. I’ve been struck blind!†* * * *
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A missionary was preaching on one of the remote Pacific Islands, when he was captured by a skeptical cannibal chief. To his astonishment, he was not eaten, but allowed to go free, on condition that he carry a small sealed packet to a neighboring mountain chief. So grateful was the missionary that, when he encountered a detachment of English sailors he refused to accompany them to safer territory. He vowed that he would deliver the sealed packet as he had promised. But the commander of the English ship, being a man of action, asked to see the packet. When it was shown to him, without so much as a “by your leave,†he opened it. It contained some f…
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The case was one of assault. The magistrate eyed the prisoner sternly. “You maintain that you threw your wife out of the second-story window through forgetfulness?†He stated. “That’s right, your honor,†returned the prisoner. “We used to live on the ground floor, and I forgot we’d moved up.†* * * * snowyday
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Sour old Thaddeus Stevens once arrived late at a hearing of the committee on elections. The two speakers engaged in violent debate were unknown to him, so he asked a friend, “Who are these men, and what’s the point?†“There’s not much point in it,†was the reply. “They’re both no good scoundrels.†“Well,†Stevens asked, “which is the Republican scoundrel? I want to side with him.†* * * * snowyday
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A motorist, who had a 50 gallon tank of gasoline in reserve when rationing was introduced, consulted a friend as to what to do about it. “Bury it, my dear fellow,†was the reply. Accordingly, he gave his gardener instructions next day to dig a hole for it in a secluded spot. After a time the gardener returned. “I’ve buried the gas,†he said. “What do you want done with the tank?†* * * *
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Judge: What breed of chickens do you consider best? Chicken Thief: The white ones are the easiest to find but the black ones are the easiest to hide after you find ‘em. * * * * snowyday
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At a certain western mountain resort they still talk about a fabulous foursome playing poker and golf and imbibing good Scotch whiskey. One morning after three days and nights of poker playing and drinking the four pleasure seeking gentlemen trickled out on to the golf course. The eldest of the foursome, a spent old gentleman of 70, laid fumbling hands on a club and stepped forward to address the ball. As his blood-shot eyes came to focus on the woefully tiny pellet and his arms, shaking like aspen leaves, drew back to deliver the stroke, a dreadful thing occurred—a big shaggy brown dog dashed from behind the clubhouse, shot across the green, and streaked betwe…
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On a busy day a woman walked into the office of the court room in Atlanta, Georgia and addressing Judge Blank, said: “Are you the reprobate judge?†“I am the probate judge.†“That is what I was saying,†she said, “and I have come to you because I am in trouble. My husband was studying to be a minister at a college seminary, and he died detested and left three little infields, and I have come to be appointed their executioner.†* * * * snowyday
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A drunk saw a sign reading “Please Ring Bell for Caretaker.†He walked up and gave it a big jerk, almost pulling the bell off the door. In a few minutes a mad caretaker appeared at the door. “Are you the caretaker?†asked the drunk. “Yes, what do you want?†“I saw your light on, so I rang the bell. I want to know why you can’t ring it yourself?†* * * * snowyday
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“The other evening I was at Brown’s house and Brown—you know how absent-minded he is—put the lighted end of a cigar in his mouth. He jumped three feet rolled on the floor and was very noisy about it. In the middle of it all, Mrs. Brown, smiling sweetly, said: “How fortunate you were, dear, to discover it so soon. * * * * snowyday
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A Hollywood producer received a story entitled, “The Optimist.†He called his staff together and said: “Gentlemen, this title must be changed to something simpler. We’re intelligent and know what an optimist is, but how many of those morons who’ll see the picture will know he’s an eye-doctor? * * * * snowyday
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Whistler, the artist, had a French poodle of which he was very fond. The poodle was very sick with an infection of the throat one day, and Whistler had the audacity to send for the great throat specialist, Mackenzie. When Mackenzie saw that he had been called to treat a dog, he felt incensed, but said nothing. He prescribed, pocketed a big fee, and drove away. The next day he sent posthaste for Whistler, and Whistler, thinking he was summoned on some matter connected with his beloved dog, dropped his work and rushed to the home of Mackenzie. On arrival the great specialist said gravely: “How do you do, Mr. Whistler? I wanted to see you about having my front…
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An asylum patient who had been certified cured was saying goodbye to the director of the institution. “And what are you going to do when you go out into the world?†asked the director. “Well,†said the patient. “I have passed my bar examinations so I may practice law. I have also had quite a bit of experience in college dramatics, so I may become an actor.†He paused for a moment, deep in thought. “Then on the other hand,†he continued. “I may be a teakettle.†* * * * snowyday
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A man asked a Scots fellow-traveler for the time as they were journeying by train from the North to London. The Scot looked up from his book and replied: “You only want to know the time to get into conversation with me, and if, we get into conversation we shall become friendly, and when we get to London you’ll ask me to have a drink and I’ll ask you to have a drink, and we’ll have another drink, and then I shall ask you to lunch, and you will visit my house, where I have a beautiful daughter, and you will visit my house again, and one day you’ll come and ask me if you can marry my daughter and why the blazes should I give consent to a man who can’t afford …
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There seemed to be nothing in the world that Private Sawtell couldn’t do. Around Manila, where he served, they called him “the most versatile man in the Army. One day, when an officer wanted a haircut and the barber was away, Private Sawtell volunteered to do the job. Were you ever a barber? Asked the officer. Yes, sir, replied Sawtell, I was a barber for three years. A few days later another officer, heartily tired of the regular camp rations, wanted a special dish prepared. I can prepare it, sir, said Private Sawtell, saluting. Did you ever cook? He was asked. Yes, Sir; three years experience, sir. The dish was marvelous. Three days later t…
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An Army Colonel and an Air Force CMsgt were getting haircuts at the base barbershop. The Colonel's barber was about finished and asked "does the Colonel want some hair tonic"? The Colonel said "No way, my wife will think I smell like a French house of ill repute". The other barber was finishing up about the same time and asked "Chief, would you like some hair tonic". The Chief replied "why yes I would, my wife doesn't know what a house of ill repute smells like".
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A certain prominent temperance worker was told that there was widespread drunkenness among the Indians on a far-western reservation, and decided to go there and work for the cause of sobriety and industry. Progress was slow, but the dry advocate persevered. One cold night, a drunken Indian, on the way home, lay down in a snow-drift and froze to death. The temperance worker, though deploring the tragic occurrence, saw in the incident an opportunity of pointing out a powerful moral in the cause of abstinence. At the inquest, which was attended by all the leading members of the tribe, the temperance worker said. “My friends, you have heard the evidence, and you all …
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A man and his wife were engaged in a bitter quarrel, when the wife motioned her husband to the window and pointed down the road. Two horses straining on either side of a long, sturdy tongue were drawing a wagon loaded with wood up the hill. “Why can’t we pull together like that?†She demanded. “Well,†replied the husband, with a wink, “if we had only one tongue between us like those horses we could.†* * * * snowyday
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A house agent had a farm on his books which was supposed to be haunted, and to prove rumor wrong he decided to engage a man to stay there for one night. The following day he was up early and went by, to see how the man had fared. On the lawn he discovered the remains of a window sash and shutters completely wrecked, but of the watchman there was no sign. Four days later the house agent came across him tramping along a country lane three miles away. “Hello, George!†he cried. “Where have you been all this time?’ The man wiped the perspiration from his brow. “Boss,†he replied, “I’ve been coming back.†* * * * snowyday
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An elderly woman living in the wild untamed vastness of the Tennessee mountains fell ill and a doctor was summoned. He prescribed some medicine in the form of capsules, but he found it very difficult to induce his patient to take them. She finally agreed. A few days later her son finding her sitting up and feeling much better, suggested she celebrate her improvement with a smoke from her old pipe. He filling her old pipe, and taking a live coal from the hearth, carried both to his mother. “Take that away,†cried the old woman in terror. “Don’t you know better than to come near me with that fire while I’ve got those cartridges in me.†* * *…
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An acid mouth spinster constituted herself O.C. Morals in a sleepy village. One day she dropped in on Giles, a jobbing gardener noted for his joviality. “Giles,†she said, “I’m ashamed that you should set such an example. Why, yesterday I saw your wheelbarrow outside the ‘Fox and Badger’ pub for two hours!†Giles didn’t say a word. That night he left his wheelbarrow outside the spinster’s house. from 1947 * * * (O. C. stood for Old Covenant Morals) mds
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A man was passing a bar when a figure hurtled out of the door and landed in the gutter. A small fellow picked himself up and said angrily to the passerby: “They think they can get away with that! I’ll throw every one of them out.†“You stay here and count ‘em.†In went the little man. A moment later a body landed in the gutter. “One, “counted the passer-by. “No, it’s me again,†said the little man. * * * * snowyday
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Sending a telegram to his wife—really to announce his safe arrival at his destination after a long train journey—a soldier filled in the telegram form: “Darling, darling, darling, darling, darling.†“With the address, that makes 11 words,†said the post office assistant. “You’re allowed another word.†“But there’s nothing else I want to say,†said the soldier. “you could always put in another “darling,’ suggested the assistant. The soldier pondered for a spell. “Don’t you think that would look rather silly?†he asked. * * * snowyday
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