Sonny's Funnies
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There was once a mighty king who bestowed a princely reward upon every barber who gave him a good shave. But if the barber drew so much as one drop of blood from him, he had the unfortunate man beheaded. One day a new barber gave the king a most excellent shave, and received his rich reward. “Were you nervous for fear you’d cut me?†the king asked. The barber smiled. “No, Your, Majesty,†he replied; “for if I had drawn a drop of blood from you, you would never have lived to raise an alarm. I would have slit your throat from ear to ear!†Moral: The power of the world’s mightiest man ends at the edge of a razor—or the end of a gun! * * * *…
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Jerusha – “Bildad, do you know that tomorrow will be the twenty-fifth anniversary of our wedding?†Bildad – “Ye don’t say so. What about it?†Jerusha – “I thought maybe we ought to kill them two Rhode Island Red chickens.†Bildad – “How in thunder can you blame them two chickens for what happened twenty-five years ago?†* * * * snowday
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The sad, quiet, big-eyed little lady sat in the psychiatrist’s office. The good doctor questioned her gently as to why her family wanted her locked up. “Now tell me,†he said, “just what is your trouble?†“It’s just that . . . just that I’m so fond of pancakes, doctor.†“I like pancakes too,†the doctor said. “Oh, doctor, really?†she trilled, clasping her hands together with joy. “You must come over to our house . . . I’ve got trunks and trunks full of them.†* * * * snowyday
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My cousin was one of the first to enlist in the WAVES. Soon after arrival at boot camp her contingent was herded into a long narrow building that had only two doors – one at each end. The rear door led to the dispensary where a doctor was to give the newcomers their physical examinations. Stripped to the skin, and embarrassed beyond words, the girls waited. Suddenly the dispensary door opened. Through it a seasoned pharmacist’s mate thrust his head and, without showing any signs of indecision, sang out. “Close your eyes, girls, I’m coming through!†* * * * From a 1949 Newspaper snowyday
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Before a country inn two thieves espied a fine horse hitched to a farm wagon. “We need that animal,†said one of the thieves, “but if the owner came out and found him gone he’d give chase and capture us. That would mean jail for us.†“Leave it to me,†said the other thief. “You take the horse and ride away as fast as you can. I’ll take care of the owner.†When the owner of the horse came out of the inn, he found his horse gone, and in its stead stood the thief, the harness upon him, the feed bag hanging from his neck. “What’s the meaning of this?†the farmer cried. “My dear sir,†replied the man in the harness, “don’ get exci…
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A New Yorker went to the Tennessee Mountains for the first time. He left the hotel one morning to view the countryside. In a little while he returned, his clothes torn, his face and arms scratched and bleeding. “What happened to you?” the hotel clerk inquired. “A little black snake chased me!” the man replied breathlessly. “But that little snake isn’t poisonous.” “Listen,” the man replied, “if he can make you jump off a 60-foot cliff, he doesn’t have to be!” * * * *
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One day when happy-go-lucky Dick Oglesby was Governor of Illinois he went to Joliet to inspect the state prison. In one cell he found a man so ugly that he said to himself, “Even if a man has the right to be homely, this bird has abused the privilege.†“How did you get here?†He asked the ugly man. “Abduction.†Was the bitter reply. “I tried to run off with a girl and they caught me.†“I’ll pardon you as soon as I get back to Springfield,†said the governor. “I don’t see how you can get a wife any other way!†* * * * snowyday
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During the war there were many soldiers who were placed in jobs for which, to put it charitably, they were not exactly fitted. There was, for instance, the company of Cockneys who were put to work cutting down some trees. They had never cut a tree in London. They were chipping away, torturously gnawing into a tree with their inexpert axes, when the officer in command inquired, “Corporal, in which direction are you going to fell that tree..†The little Cockney pauses, wiped the sweat from his brow, and growled, “Ow the ‘ell do I know?†Do I look like a bloody prophet?†* * * * snowyday
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George Bernard Shaw was having luncheon in a London restaurant one day when an orchestra struck up a particularly noisy tune. Without intermission, the orchestra followed it up with another. Shaw called the head waiter and asked, “Does the orchestra play requests?†“Yes, sir,†the man replied. “Is there something you would like them to play?†“There is,†replied Shaw. “ask them to play dominoes until I have finished eating.†* * * * snowyday
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A who was stopped by a policeman for speeding, became very angry and called the traffic cop an ass. After he paid his fine, the judge reproved him for what he had said to the officer. Then I mustn’t call a policeman an ass? He said. Certainly not, said the judge. You must not insult the police. But you wouldn’t mind if I called an ass a policeman, would you? No, if it gives you any satisfaction, said his honor with a smile. The motorist turned to the man who had arrested him, and said, “Good-day, policeman.†* * * * snowyday
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In the post office of a North Carolina village a stranger saw the local patriarch sitting on a flour barrel and whistling. A bystander informed him that the old fellow had already passed his one hundredth birthday. Impressed, the stranger exclaimed: “Isn’t that amazing!†“We don’t see nothin’ amazin’ ‘bout it round here,†was the laconic reply. “All he’s done is grown old – and he took longer than most people would to do that!†* * * *
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A lost motorist saw he was approaching an old man. “Hi,†he shouted, “do you know the way to Springfield?†The old man shook his head. “No danged if I do,†he said. The motorist drove on slowly, and when he had gone about half a mile he looked in the mirror and saw two men standing in the road motioning for him to come back. Slowly and painfully he backed his car down the narrow road. “Well?†he said. “This is my friend George,†said the old man. “He don’t know either.†* * * * snowyday
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A guard from the lunatic asylum rushed up to a farmer and said: I’m looking for an escaped lunatic. Did he pass this way? The farmer puffed thoughtfully on his pipe and asked: “What does he look like?†“He’s very short,†said the guard, “and he’s very thin, and he weighs 250 pounds.†The farmer looked at him in amazement. “How can a man be short and thin and weigh 250 pounds?†he asked. “Don’t look so surprised,†said the guard angrily. “I told you he was crazy.†* * * * snowyday
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Finally caught up with, an old criminal, convicted of enough evil doing to keep him in the penitentiary for a hundred years, was being assigned his number, 26813, by the warden. “Can’t you give me one that don’t end in thirteen?†growled the prisoner. “I don’t want to stick my neck out by inciting bad luck.†* * * * Snowyday
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A drunk staggered into a busy restaurant and settled himself at the exact center of the busy lunch counter. A waiter handed him a menu and, after a decent interval of waiting, returned to take his order. “Don’t rush me, bud, don’t rush me,†the drunk muttered. For a long time, while trade went merrily on about him, the inebriated patron pondered his inner needs. Then, at long last, he whinnied, “Gimmie an omelet.†“What kind of omelet?†the waiter asked. The drunk went into another conference with himself, while the waiter retired in high dudgeon. After a while, the drunk beckoned the man back to him. “Know what kind of omelet I want…
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Walking away from the railroad station, Bill met Henry Green, an old friend. Henry put out his hand in greeting and said: “Hi there, Bill! How are you?” Bill apologized: “Sorry I can’t shake hands—mine are too greasy.” Henry: “Why are they so dirty when you’re all dressed up?” Bill: “Just been seeing my wife off for a month’s visit with her mother, and I just couldn’t resist caressing the engine.” * * * *
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Two moonshiners from the West Virginia Mountains were taking their first train trip. They had heard of soda pop, but neither had ever tasted any, so when the vendor came through the car they each bought a bottle. The first moonshiner wiped the lip of the bottle with his hand and took a long drink—just as the train entered a tunnel. “How do you like it, Jed?†asked his companion in the darkness. “Don’t touch that stuff, Lem. I’ve been struck blind!†* * * *
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A missionary was preaching on one of the remote Pacific Islands, when he was captured by a skeptical cannibal chief. To his astonishment, he was not eaten, but allowed to go free, on condition that he carry a small sealed packet to a neighboring mountain chief. So grateful was the missionary that, when he encountered a detachment of English sailors he refused to accompany them to safer territory. He vowed that he would deliver the sealed packet as he had promised. But the commander of the English ship, being a man of action, asked to see the packet. When it was shown to him, without so much as a “by your leave,†he opened it. It contained some f…
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The case was one of assault. The magistrate eyed the prisoner sternly. “You maintain that you threw your wife out of the second-story window through forgetfulness?†He stated. “That’s right, your honor,†returned the prisoner. “We used to live on the ground floor, and I forgot we’d moved up.†* * * * snowyday
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Sour old Thaddeus Stevens once arrived late at a hearing of the committee on elections. The two speakers engaged in violent debate were unknown to him, so he asked a friend, “Who are these men, and what’s the point?†“There’s not much point in it,†was the reply. “They’re both no good scoundrels.†“Well,†Stevens asked, “which is the Republican scoundrel? I want to side with him.†* * * * snowyday
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A motorist, who had a 50 gallon tank of gasoline in reserve when rationing was introduced, consulted a friend as to what to do about it. “Bury it, my dear fellow,†was the reply. Accordingly, he gave his gardener instructions next day to dig a hole for it in a secluded spot. After a time the gardener returned. “I’ve buried the gas,†he said. “What do you want done with the tank?†* * * *
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Judge: What breed of chickens do you consider best? Chicken Thief: The white ones are the easiest to find but the black ones are the easiest to hide after you find ‘em. * * * * snowyday
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At a certain western mountain resort they still talk about a fabulous foursome playing poker and golf and imbibing good Scotch whiskey. One morning after three days and nights of poker playing and drinking the four pleasure seeking gentlemen trickled out on to the golf course. The eldest of the foursome, a spent old gentleman of 70, laid fumbling hands on a club and stepped forward to address the ball. As his blood-shot eyes came to focus on the woefully tiny pellet and his arms, shaking like aspen leaves, drew back to deliver the stroke, a dreadful thing occurred—a big shaggy brown dog dashed from behind the clubhouse, shot across the green, and streaked betwe…
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On a busy day a woman walked into the office of the court room in Atlanta, Georgia and addressing Judge Blank, said: “Are you the reprobate judge?†“I am the probate judge.†“That is what I was saying,†she said, “and I have come to you because I am in trouble. My husband was studying to be a minister at a college seminary, and he died detested and left three little infields, and I have come to be appointed their executioner.†* * * * snowyday
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A drunk saw a sign reading “Please Ring Bell for Caretaker.†He walked up and gave it a big jerk, almost pulling the bell off the door. In a few minutes a mad caretaker appeared at the door. “Are you the caretaker?†asked the drunk. “Yes, what do you want?†“I saw your light on, so I rang the bell. I want to know why you can’t ring it yourself?†* * * * snowyday
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