Sonny's Funnies
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In the house of a certain ancient family in Teviotdale in Scotland, it was the custom to place in the sleeping apartment of each guest a Bible, along with a bottle of strong ale. Now it happened that on one occasion a number of clergymen spent the night there, and, following another custom, several of the reverend gentlemen were lodged together in one large barrack room. The butler took care that each of the divines was presented with a Bible and a bottle of ale. The servant had scarcely left the room when a whispered conference was held, and he was quickly recalled to the chamber. “My friend,†one of the venerable gentlemen said to him, “…
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Christmas Remote Control
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Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America ,Kentuckians, Tennesseans, OKies, Texans, and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as 'HILLBILLIES.' You must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS . And furthermore HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT: 1. She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK' - She is a ' BREASTED AMERICAN.' 2. She is not ' EASY ' - She is 'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.' 3. She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE' - She is a 'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.' 4. She has not 'BEEN AROUND' - She is a 'PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.' 5. She does not 'NAG' you - She becomes ' VE…
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At the weigh-in of the two fighters. Punch-Pixied Pete was found to be an ounce overweight. His manager moaned: “What’ll we do, Pete?†Then brightening, he exclaimed: “I know! We’ll have your teeth pulled. That’ll lighten you up an ounce!†“Dirty double-crosser!†bellowed Pete’s opponent, Numb-Knuckle Newcomb. I want to knock ‘em out tomorrow night!†* * * * snowyday
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Some years ago a certain young man filled with the pioneering spirit was attracted by the offer of free land in northwestern Ontario. He put his meager capital in his pocket, flung a pack over his shoulder, and fared forth to the promised land. There he found temporary shelter in the home of an old settler. After supper his hospitable host threw some bones to his dog. The animal instantly seized the biggest bone, wheeled about, and raced down the valley and over the mountain and out of sight. What’s the matter with that dog?†asked the visitor. “He’s gone to bury a bone, I guess,†the old settler replied. “But he’s miles away and running like an…
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Mission: Go to GAP, Buy a Pair of Jeans
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Zeke was dead. A wonderful funeral was in progress. The preacher talked at length of the good traits of the deceased brother, what an honest man he was, what a good provider he was, what a loving husband and a kind father. At length the widow whispered to one of her offspring: “Go up thar and take a look in that coffin and see if that’s your pa.†* * * * snowyday
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I just want to thank all of you for your educational emails over the past year. Thanks to you, I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel. I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the channels. I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed. I can't enjoy lemon slices in my tea or on my seafood anymore because lemon peels have been found to contain all kinds of nasty germs including feces. I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime w…
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You Know You're Getting Old When... You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it. You can live without sex, but not without glasses. Your back goes out more than you do. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room. You buy a compass for the dash of your car. You are proud of your lawn mower. Your best friend is dating someone half their age... And isn't breaking any laws. Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper. You sing along with the elevator music. You would rather go to work than stay home sick. You enjoy hearing about other peo…
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A sergeant was asking some recruits why walnut was used for the butt of a rifle. “Because it has more resistance.†Said one man. “Wrong.†“Because it is more elastic.†“Wrong.†“Perhaps it’s because it looks nicer than any other wood,†volunteered another, timidly. “Don’t be stupid,†snapped the sergeant. “It’s simply because it was laid down in Regulations.†* * * * snowyday
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The visitor was from the hills of Kentucky and he was in California. His host had taken him to the beach to see the ocean, and as they gazed out across the wide expanse of water the host said: “Look at that beautiful ocean. See how those huge waves come rolling in.†What do you think of it?†“Well,†drawled the unimpressed visitor, “is that all it does?†* * * * snowyday
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The great liner was laboring in a heavy sea, but the captain assured his passengers that there was really no great danger. But one mousy little fellow persisted in inquiring again and again. “Are you sure we’re not going to sink, captain?†At last the captain lost his temper and demanded. “What are you – a coward?†“Not at all,†the little man assured him. “I’m not the least bit afraid.†“Then,†said the captain, “you must want to tell your friend good-bye before we go down.†“No, no, it’s not that!†the mousy little passenger protested. “Then, in Heaven’s name, why do you ask me every five minutes if we’re going t…
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The big business man had died and gone to – well, not to Heaven. But hardly had he settled down for a nice long smoke when a hearty hand slapped him on the back, and into his ear boomed the voice of a persistent salesman who had pestered him on earth. “Well, Mr. Smith,†chortled the salesman. “I’m here for the appointment.†“What appointment?†“Why don’t you remember?†the salesman went on. Every time I entered your office on earth you told me you’d see me here!†* * * * snowyday
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Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Born and bread in Minnesota , Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his …
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ALL PUNS INTENDED 1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent. 2 .A cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'I'll serve you, but don't start anything.' 3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted. 4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra. 5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: 'A beer please, and one for the road.' 6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: 'Does this taste funny to you?' 7. 'Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.' 'That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.'…
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It had taken the entire morning for Zeke to tow the tourist’s disabled car from Turkey Track Spring down to the settlement at Whittle Porch Clearing. When he finally returned home, with his weary old mule hitched to the ramshackle cart, his wife came out on the porch and said: “How much did you charge that city feller for towin’ him?’ “Fifty cents,†Zeke answered. “Guess t’wasn’t too much. Leastwise, he didn’t kick up a fuss.†“Fifty cents!†echoed his indignant wife. “I swear, Paw, sometimes I wish you’d pull the cart and let the mule handle the executive end of things!†* * * * snowyday
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Called upon to officiate at the funeral of a stranger, the minister was well along with the service before he realized to his horror that although he knew the name of the departed – which might have been masculine or feminine – he didn’t know whether he was talking about a deceased man or woman. Finally the point came when he simply had to know. While the choir sang a hymn, the minister beckoned to a mourner, pointed to the casket and hoarsely whispered: “Brother or Sister?” And the mourner whispered back: “Cousin.” * * * * snowyday
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Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it? Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure." The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs . I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees Fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet …
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1. A day without sunshine is like night. 2. On the other hand, you have different fingers. 3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot. 4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. 5. Remember, half the people you know are below average. 6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest. 7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. 8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap. 9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have. 10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. 11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines. 12. If you think nobody cares, t…
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Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch AND you'll have to go to the bathroom. Law of Gravity: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner. Law of Probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act. Law of Random Numbers: If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers. Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire. Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always…
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Two brothers, one a famous baseball pitcher, the other a minister, met after a long separation. Some time was spent in exchanges of reminiscences. Finally the minister said, “How is it, Bill – I spent four years in college and three in seminary, and you’ve never done anything but play ball. Now you’re getting a salary of $30,000, and I’m getting $3,000. I can’t understand it.†Bill thought a minute, then said: “I’ll tell you how it is, Jim; it’s all in the delivery. May 27, 1950 newspaper * * * * snowyday
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A certain well-known gambler failed to pay a large note when it became due and, in consequence, the loan shark who had it waxed highly indignant and berated the debtor in bitter and extremely uncomplimentary terms. Whereupon the gambler, greatly insulted, poked a pistol in the lender’s ribs and barked: “Eat that note, you lily-livered dollar grabber.†With some difficulty, the money lender chewed up the document and swallowed it. A few weeks later, to his utter amazement and delight, the gambler fell into a highly profitable run of luck, and paid off the obligation in full. A little later the gambler came to the money lender and applied for a…
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Entering a lawyer’s office, in a small “Tennessee†town, a buxom wife from the hills said: “I ain’t a complaining woman, Mr. Smith, but my husband ain’t doin’ rite. When one of our mules died, he hitched me up with the other one to a plow.†“Why, that’s inhuman!†declared the lawyer. “Do you want a divorce?†“Nope,†she answered. “But I’ve about worked that skinny old mule to death, and he ought to have a rest.†* * * * snowyday
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Laurence F. Whittemore, the pulp company executive and famous New England story teller, recently told the Advertising Club of Boston about the New Hampshire farmer who had a quarrel with his wife at breakfast. Disgruntled and angry, he spent the day up in the back lot cutting wood. As night came, he was reluctant to go home, knowing that his wife was ready to give him another scolding. But he finally started back to the house. As he came over the brow of the hill and looked down he saw his wife, armed with a broom, trying to chase a skunk away from the woodshed. With a smile, he sat down on the hillside and lighted his pipe. “I’m going to enj…
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A routine check-up disclosed nothing serious so the puzzled medico began to ask questions: “Do you smoke?†“Oh, no,†said the patient. “Do you drink?†was the next question. “Certainly not,†the patient answered. “Rum holds no temptation for me. I believe firmly in prohibition.†“Well, then,†tried the doctor, “have you ever kissed a girl?†“No,†was the reply. “And I never shall until I am legally married.†The doctor thought a minute and then asked: “Do you happen to have any pains in the front of your head?†“Yes, doctor, and in the back of my head, too,†came the response. “That explains it,†said the …
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