Sonny's Funnies
2,916 topics in this forum
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1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10 pound possum. 2. Which of these cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard? (A) '65 Ford Fairlane ( '69 Chevrolet Chevelle, or © '64 Pontiac GTO. 3. If your uncle builds a still, which operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine produced per hour, how many car radiators are required to condense the product? 4. A woodcutter has a chainsaw, which operates at 2700 RPM. The density of the pine trees in the plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweisers will be d…
Last reply by jackthehat, -
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California: The Governor of California is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and attacks his dog. #1. Governor starts to intervene, reflects upon the movie "Bambi" and then realizes he should stop; the coyote is only doing what is natural. #2. He calls animal control. Animal control captures coyote and spends $200 testing it for diseases and $500 upon relocating it. #3. He calls veterinarian. Vet collects dead dog and spends $200 testing it for diseases. #4. Governor goes to hospital and spends $3,500 getting checked for diseases from the coyote and on getting bite wound bandaged. #5. Running trail gets shut down for 6 months wh…
Last reply by jackthehat, -
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Last reply by Fräulein, -
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I ask you, does this look like some good fired Chicken or what:rolleyes:
Last reply by Dan Wilson, -
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What do you call a Democrat with half a brain? Gifted. Military expert Barack Obama thinks that an Offensive Nuke is a dirty microwave oven. The Obama economy utilizes a system of carefully monitored checks and balances. He writes the checks, you pay the balance. Liberals area asking us to give Obama some time We agree and think 25 to life would be appropriate America needs obamacare like Pelosi needs a halloween mask. What's the difference between Obama and his dog? His dog has papers! What's the difference between a Democrat and a prostitute? The prostitute gives value for the money she takes. How many Democrats does it take to change a light bu…
Last reply by tusker, -
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A little girl was playing in the garden when she spotted two spiders mating. "Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked. "They're mating." her father replied. "What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" she asked. "That's a daddy long legs." her father answered. "So, the other one is a mommy long legs?" the little girl asked. "No," her father replied. "Both of them are daddy long legs." The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stamped them flat. "Well, we're not having THAT sort of shit in our garden."
Last reply by tinyclark, -
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A Guide For Yankees In The South Like Hemorrhoids, They Come Down, Won't Go Back Up, & Are A Pain In The Ass 1. Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Waffle House. It's just a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they know. If you confuse them, they'll kick your ass. 2. Don't laugh at our Southern names (Merleen, Bodie, Ovine, Luther Ray, Brenda Sue, Tammy Lynn, Darla Beth, Inez, Billy Joe, Sissy, Bobby Lee, Clovis, etc.) or we will just have to kick your ass. 3. Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda. Down here it's called Coke. Nobody gives a damn whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up or whatever - it's s…
Last reply by Fräulein, -
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Pelosium: A major research institution has just announced the discovery of the densest element yet known to science. The new element has been named Pelosium.. Pelosium has one neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 224 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 311. These particles are held together by dark forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. The symbol of Pelosium is PU. Pelosium's mass actually increases over time, as morons randomly interact with various elements in the atmosphere and become assistant deputy neutrons within the Pelosium molecule, leading to the for…
Last reply by Dan Wilson, -
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A teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment -- to get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back to class and one by one began to tell their stories. Kathy said, "My father’s a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One day we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a big mess." "And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher. "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!" "Very good," said the teacher. "Now, how about you, Lucy?" "We're farmers, too. But we raise our …
Last reply by Fräulein, -
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Words Women Use: FINE This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up . Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments. FIVE MINUTES This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade. NOTHING This means "something", and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. 'Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end…
Last reply by Fräulein, -
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1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them. 2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question. 3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge. 4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed 5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator. 6. You watch the Weather Channel. 7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "break up." 8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14. 9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up." 10. You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door won't turn down the stereo. 11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you. 12. You don't k…
Last reply by Fräulein, -
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A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee. "What's the matter dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?" "Do you remember when I met you and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly. The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do" she replies. The husband pauses. The …
Last reply by SEFEGeorge, -
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1. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview. 2. Your orgasms are real. Always. 3. Your last name stays put. 4. The garage is all yours. 5. Wedding plans take care of themselves. 6. You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid. 7. Car mechanics tell you the truth. 8. You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut. 9. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area. 10. Same work ... more pay. 11. Wrinkles-add character. 12. You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments. 13. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100. 14. If you retain water, it's in a canteen. 15. People never glance at your chest when you're tal…
Last reply by SEFEGeorge, -
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1. "Don't you have some laundry to do or something?" 2. "No really...I was laughing about a joke I heard one time." 3. "Ohh, you are so cute when you get all pissed off." 4. "You're just upset because your ass is beginning to spread." 5. "Wait a minute...I get it. What time of the month is it? 6. "Are you gonna cry? (force lip to quiver mockingly)...cry for your mommy?" 7. "You sure you don't want to consult the great Oprah on this one? 8. "Sorry. I was just picturing you naked. 9. "That reminds me. Next time you go to the store could you add a giant fucking cork to the shopping list? 10. "Whoa, time out honey. Football is on." 11. "Looks like someone had an…
Last reply by SEFEGeorge, -
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Last reply by INS/Dopplertroop, -
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Rejected Hallmark Cards So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day... Look at the bright side, she's a really good lay. ~~~ My tire was thumping... I thought it was flat... when I looked at the tire... I noticed your cat... Sorry! ~~~ You had your bladder removed and you're on the mends... here's a bouquet of flowers and a box of Depends. ~~~ You've announced that you're gay, won't that be a laugh, when they find out you're one of the Joint Chiefs of Staff! ~~~ Happy Vasectomy! Hope you feel zippy! 'Cause when I had mine I got real snippy. ~~~
Last reply by Plaprad,