Sonny's Funnies
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One summer I boarded with a farm family in the mountains of North Carolina. The women folks in the house traded at a small country store run by a native of those parts, and always bought a certain kind of thread for crocheting. When I went to purchase some one day, he remarked that he was all out of it. “Aren’t you going to carry it anymore?†I asked him. “Nope,†he said, “people worried me too much coming after it.†* * * * snowyday
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The Willoughbys, who lived in Chicago, had a new housekeeper. She wasn’t very bright, but she was a splendid cook. So the Willoughbys didn’t care whether she was smart or not. One night at dinnertime, the telephone rang, and the new housekeeper hurried to answer. She listened and laughed and said: “It certainly is!†and hung up. A few seconds later the phone rang again. The new housekeeper answered it, listened, laughed and said: “It certainly is!†and hung up again. “For goodness sake,†bellowed Mr. Willoughby. “What’s going on?†“Silliest darned thing,†answered the new housekeeper. “Some joker keeps calling up just…
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A man telephoned a hardware store to order a scythe. “Size?†asked the assistant who took the call. “Not size,†the man replied “Scythe.†“Yes, yes, I can hear you,†said the salesman. “What size?†“No, no, no,†the customer yelled. “Not size, but scythe—S C Y T H E. You know what a scythe is, don’t you? A grass cutter.†The next day a delivery man appeared at the customer’s house with a glass cutter. * * * * snowyday
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Judge: “Amos, I cannot conceive of a meaner, more cowardly act than yours running away from your wife.†Amos: If you knowed dat lady as I does, you wouldn’t call me no deserter, Ah am a refugee—that’s what I am.†* * * * snowyday
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Many years ago, an alleged horse thief was brought up for trial in a rough and tumble Western frontier town. Before the proceedings began, the judge gave the usual instructions to the jury. “Ladies and gentleman, this here is a democratic country, and this feller is supposed to get a fair trial. You’ll have to listen to the testimony and decide the verdict, guilty of not guilty. But remember one thing. There’s somebody bigger’n you or me. There’s a Divine Justice, above and beyond this court-room, an Eternal Providence lookin’ down here, and He ain’t gonna be took in by no lyin’ hoss thief.†* * * * Snowyday
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One dark night, not long ago a certain eminent Chicago attorney found himself standing at the wrong end of an incredibly large pistol. He was shocked to recognize the thug who was holding him up. “Look here†he protested, “Don’t you know me? I’m your benefactor. Don’t you recall I once saved you from the electric chair by proving you were crazy?†The thug laughed heartily and playfully prodded his victim in the ribs with his revolver. “Sure, I remember you!†he guffawed. “And ain’t holding up your benefactor a crazy thing to do?†* * * * snowyday
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A young man was serving for the first time as usher at a fashionable church and his self-consciousness amounted to a bad case of stage fright. As a result of his nervousness some mistakes were made. Among others, a wealthy old lady marched down the aisle unaccompanied and seated herself inadvertently one row in front of her usual position. The perspiring young usher tiptoed up to her and whispered hoarsely: “Rardon me, padam, you are occupewing the wrong pie. May I sew you to another sheet?†* * * * snowyday
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When Alonzo Stagg was one of the country’s outstanding football coaches, he kept substitutes on the bench constantly alert by suddenly popping questions at them while a game was in progress. One afternoon he turned to a fourth-string sub who had played the role of human tackling dummy in practice all season, but had failed to get into a single game, and demanded: “You Cartmell – What would you do if we had possession of the ball, one minute to play, the score nothing-to-nothing, and we had only 4 yards to go for a touchdown?†“Gee, coach,†stammered the substitute. “I’d slide down to the end of the bench, so I could see better.†* * * * snow…
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A commercial traveler decided that he would spend a week-end at home. He sent a telegram to his wife and took the next train. On his arrival home he found his wife in the embrace of another man. Furious, he left the house, took a room at the local hotel, and announced that he would apply for a divorce. The next day his father-in-law called to try to smooth things over. “I’m quite sure my daughter has and explanation for her behavior,†he said. “Look here, will you wait until tomorrow before you do anything about the divorce?†Reluctantly the husband agreed. On the morrow his father-in-law was back again, beaming. “I knew Dorothy would have an…
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from 1949 “Hey, you! Pull over,†shouted the traffic cop. The lady complied, and the judge next day fined her $25. She went home in great anxiety, lest her husband, who always examined her check book, should learn of the incident. Then inspiration struck, and she marked the check stub: “One pull-over, $25.†* * * * snowyday
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An Irishman entered a barber shop for a shave. After he was seated and the lather was being applied, the barber was called to the adjoining room, where he was detained. The barber had in the shop a pet monkey which caused amusement by imitating its master. As soon as the barber had left the room the monkey seized the shaving brush. Dipped it in the lather and proceeded to apply it to the Irishman’s face. When that operation was finished to the monkey’s satisfaction, the little animal picked up a razor, and, after stropping it, turned to Pat to shave him. “Stop that!†cried Pat firmly, sitting erect. “Ye can tuck the towel in my neck, and p…
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A naval strategist of the highest order, Adm. Chester W. Nimitz, is likewise a supremely wise student of feminine psychology. When the Breakers Hotel at Waikiki was opened as a recreation center for enlisted men, the Admiral put in an appearance, and permitted himself to be photographed dancing with an exceedingly comely brunette. A few days later the picture was offered for his inspection and he readily and cheerfully approved it, for publicity purposes. But, at the same time, he said, “I’ll take one, if you don’t mind.†The Admiral then wrote a brief communication, slipped it into an envelope along with the photograph and said to an assistant.  
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The history of press agentry presents one of its classic studies in futility in Bill Pine’s adventure with the fifty parrots. Bill, who had long been one of Hollywood’s most potent publicists, conceived the idea of training half a hundred of the talkative birds to repeat the title of Mae West’s newest film, “It Ain’t No Sin.†His plan was to dispatch the parrots to the larger American cities, where they could enliven interest in the picture by screaming the words to the natives. The drilling consumed many days of painful, nerve-wracking labor, but at last was accomplished. On the day before the picture’s scheduled release, Bill Pine went in …
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Two Boilermakers at the railroad shops were cutting out rusted steam heat bolts. One held the long chisel while the other swung a 20-pound maul. But they couldn’t get their signals straight. When the fellow with the chisel was ready for the blow, the fellow with the sledge-hammer wasn’t, and vice versa. Finally they were hailed by the irate voice of the foreman. “When are you guys gonna’ get that job done? This engine’s gotta get out of here.†The two dolts hastily renewed their efforts. “Look, said the chisel-holder, I’ll get the chisel set, and when I do, I’ll shake my head. When I shake my head, you hit it!†The h…
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A tramp knocked at the back door of an inn called “George and the Dragon.†When the landlady opened the door, the tramp asked, “Can you spare a poor man a bite to eat?†“No!†screamed the woman and slammed the door in his face. After a few minutes the tramp knocked again, and the same woman opened the door. “Now,†asked the tramp, “could I have a few words with George?†* * * * snowyday
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A northern visitor pausing at a country store in the Tennessee mountains was greeted by a grizzled native with a pleasant “Howdy,†and passed the time of day with the old gentleman on the most agreeable terms. The traveler was considerably taken aback when he happened to glance down at the native’s feet and discovered they were unshod. “Tell me,†he inquired, ‘is it the custom of this section to go bare-footed?†“Waal,†the old man drawled, “some of us wear shoes, but all of us tend to our own business.†* * * * snowyday
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Tony was drafted and sent overseas. One day, because of his awkwardness, he was being kidded by his lieutenant. “What did you do before you joined upâ€â€ asked the officer. “I playa da music, and da monkey collect da money.†“Why did you join the Army then?†“I no join. I was drafted>†“And what became of your monkey?†“Oh, dey make a lieutenant out of him.†* * * * snowyday
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A woman missionary in China took tea with a Mandarin’s eight wives. Her clothes, hair and teeth interested them, but her feet amazed them. “Why,†cried one, “you can walk or run as well as a man.†“Yes, to be sure,†said the missionary. “Can you ride a horse and swim too?†“Yes.†“Then you must be as strong as a man.†“I am.†“And you wouldn’t let a man beat you – not even if he was your husband – would you?†“Indeed I wouldn’t.†The oldest of the wives said softly. “Now I understand why the foreign devil never has more than one wife. He is afraid.†* * * * snowyday
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A wealthy man had a tenant owing him $10 which she was too poor to pay at the time. Being a kindly man, he sought her minister, to whom he gave the $10 asking him to pass it on, so that when he called she would be able to pay. “So you have found the rent?†remarked the landlord. “Yes, indeed, but no thanks to you, you old wretch,†said the tenant. * * * * snowyday
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Marshall (Shotgun) Leftwich, 49, told Police Court Justice S. R. Price, according to a dispatch from Roanoke, Virginia, why he got drunk on a mixture of shellac reducer and water. “You see, judge,†said Leftwich, “a woman told me to build her a new henhouse out of an old henhouse, and not to tear down the old henhouse until the new one was built. “Judge, I had to get drunk on that.†The case was dismissed. * * * * snowyday
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The woman lion tamer had her beasts under perfect control. At her summons the fiercest lion came meekly to her and took a piece of sugar out of her mouth. The circus crowd marveled—all except one man. Man (yelling from the audience) Any one can do that.†Ringmaster: (scornfully) Would you dare do it?†Man: Certainly. “I can do it just as well as the lion can.†* * * * snowyday
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There was once a mighty king who bestowed a princely reward upon every barber who gave him a good shave. But if the barber drew so much as one drop of blood from him, he had the unfortunate man beheaded. One day a new barber gave the king a most excellent shave, and received his rich reward. “Were you nervous for fear you’d cut me?†the king asked. The barber smiled. “No, Your, Majesty,†he replied; “for if I had drawn a drop of blood from you, you would never have lived to raise an alarm. I would have slit your throat from ear to ear!†Moral: The power of the world’s mightiest man ends at the edge of a razor—or the end of a gun! * * * *…
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Jerusha – “Bildad, do you know that tomorrow will be the twenty-fifth anniversary of our wedding?†Bildad – “Ye don’t say so. What about it?†Jerusha – “I thought maybe we ought to kill them two Rhode Island Red chickens.†Bildad – “How in thunder can you blame them two chickens for what happened twenty-five years ago?†* * * * snowday
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The sad, quiet, big-eyed little lady sat in the psychiatrist’s office. The good doctor questioned her gently as to why her family wanted her locked up. “Now tell me,†he said, “just what is your trouble?†“It’s just that . . . just that I’m so fond of pancakes, doctor.†“I like pancakes too,†the doctor said. “Oh, doctor, really?†she trilled, clasping her hands together with joy. “You must come over to our house . . . I’ve got trunks and trunks full of them.†* * * * snowyday
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My cousin was one of the first to enlist in the WAVES. Soon after arrival at boot camp her contingent was herded into a long narrow building that had only two doors – one at each end. The rear door led to the dispensary where a doctor was to give the newcomers their physical examinations. Stripped to the skin, and embarrassed beyond words, the girls waited. Suddenly the dispensary door opened. Through it a seasoned pharmacist’s mate thrust his head and, without showing any signs of indecision, sang out. “Close your eyes, girls, I’m coming through!†* * * * From a 1949 Newspaper snowyday
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