Sonny's Funnies
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Knowing that the old expression, “To ride shank’s mare,†means to walk, a woman was amazed when she heard her husband telling a little newsboy about his paper route as a boy. “And I didn’t have a nice shiny bike to ride, either,†said the husband, “I had to get up at the crack of dawn and ride shank’s mare all the way.†“Gosh, that must have been swell,†said the newsboy. “Just like Paul Revere.†* * *
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The only son of a multi-millionaire was made petty officer of a submarine during the last war. On several occasions he heard the penurious captain warn the crew: “Torpedoes are mighty expensive. They cost thousands of dollars. Before you fire one be sure you are going to hit the target.†Shortly after one of the lectures, the multi-millionaire’s son spotted an enemy destroyer coming toward the sub. He yelled into the loudspeaker: “Destroyer spotted on the port side approaching.†There was no answer. “Destroyer 400 yards away and approaching,†he yelled. Pause. “Destroyer 200 yards away and closing,†he bellowed. Still no a…
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Golfer Sam Sneed once told a group of awe-stricken fans at the Century Golf Club about the time he was slicing badly and zoomed a drive 280 yards through a bungalow window. “The ball upset an oil lamp and set the bungalow on fire,†asserted Sam “What did you do?†chorused the fans. “There was only one thing I could do,†said Sam solemnly. “I quickly teed up another ball, aimed carefully, and hit the fire alarm box on Anderson road. The fire engines were at the bungalow before much damage was done!†* * *
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A Pastor went to his church office on Monday morning and discovered a dead mule in the church yard. He telephoned the police. Since there did not appear to be any foul play, the police referred the Pastor to the Health Department. They explained, "Since there was no health threat, you'll need to call the Sanitation Department." When the pastor called the Sanitation Department, the Manager of the Sanitation Department said, "I can't pick up that dead mule without authorization from the mayor." The Pastor was not at all too eager to call the mayor, who possessed a very bad temper and was always extremely unpleasant and hard to deal with, but, eventually…
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Carrying a bucket, a young Naval officer was making his way along the deck of a rolling destroyer in an Atlantic storm when he was swept overboard. He had been given up for lost when another huge wave swept him back again. An officer hurried up to him. He struggled to his feet, saluted and said, “Sorry, sir, I lost the bucket.†* * *
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Hello - and thank you for calling the Mental Health Clinic. Please select from the following menu options: If you're obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. If you're co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you. If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6. If you're paranoid, we know who you are and what you want; stay on the line so we can trace your call. If you're delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship. If you're schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press. If you're manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy…
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Officer Mullooney was the stupidest clunk on the Sasparilla Falls police force, but his father-in-law was mayor and president of the bank, so there was no way of remedying the situation. One night his chief told Mullooney: “There’s a buzzard been carting apples out of Farmer Klopfer’s orchard every night. I want you to catch him red-handed.†Late that night, Mullooney spotted a man sneaking off the Klopfer premises with a heavy sack. “Mull†collared him and emptied the sack on the ground. Out tumbled a silver tea set, a Picasso miniature, and Mrs. Klopfer’s sable coat. “Golly, I’m sorry,†apologized, Mullooney. “I thought you was stealing appl…
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A housewife was complaining to a tramp who called at her door. “You never seem to do anything,†she said, except hang around the local bars.†“That’s where you’re wrong, lady,†replied the tramp. “I’ve got a job in a domino factory.†“And what do you do?†“I put the spots on the dominos.†“And why," asked the suspicious housewife, “aren’t you working there now?†“Don’t have to,†was the reply. “Today the factory is making double blanks.†* * *
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“Don’t be afraid of Fido,†said a dog owner to his Chinese guest. “You know the old proverb, “A barking dog never bites’?†“Yes,†said the guest, “you know proverb, I know proverb, but do dog know proverb?†* * *
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The drill sergeant making his morning announcements to a group of newcomers in a training camp, stated: "Today, gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news." "First, the good news Private Peters will be setting the pace on our morning run.†He said. With this the platoon was overjoyed, as Private Peters was overweight and terribly slow. But then the drill sergeant finished his statement: "Now for the bad news." he then said "Private Peters will be driving a truck."
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The State Police had been questioning a ventriloquist for hours. Eventually one of them turned to an inspector and said: “Sir, we’ve been grilling him for six hours now, so far, a detective, two patrolmen, the doctor and the minister have all confessed to the crime. Must we go on. * * * *
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The young lion tamer was being interviewed on television. “I understand your father also was a lion tamer,†said the announcer. “Yes indeed he was,†said the young man. “And do you actually put your head in the lion’s mouth?†inquired the announcer. “Only once,†said the young man, “to look for Dad.†* * *
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Arriving home late after an evening with the boys, he was afraid to enter since his wife was one who would waken at the creak of a stair. Suddenly he brightened with an idea. He tiptoed into the kitchen, and carefully tied together several pots and pans with his necktie. Dragging them upstairs behind him, he muttered, “She’ll never hear me in all this noise.†* * *
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“Sign your name at the bottom of this form,†said the prison warden to a new arrival. “Sorry,†said the prisoner, “I can’t write.†The warden considered for a moment. “All right,†he said. “But what are you in for?†“Forgery.†“Forgery?†echoed the warden. “How can you be in for forgery when you can’t write?†“I don’t know,†said the prisoner. “I think I must have had a rotten lawyer.†* * *
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A private had been given the job of announcing the guests at a party in the officers’ mess. “Capt. Jones, Mrs. Jones and Miss Jones,†he called when they arrived. “Shorten your announcements,†whispered the officer in charge. Capt. Jones and family would have been sufficient.†The next arrivals were Maj. Penny and his family. “Four-pence!†called the private. * * * *
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Every Saturday morning Grandpa Walt found himself babysitting his three grandchildren...all boys. The kids always wanted to play ''war,'' and Grandpa somehow always got coaxed into the game. His daughter came to pick up the kids early one Saturday and witnessed Grandpa take a fake shot as Jason pointed a toy gun and yelled, "Bang!'' Grandpa slumped to the floor and stayed there motionless. The daughter rushed over to see if he was all right. Grandpa opened one eye and whispered, ''Sh-h-h, I always do this. It's the only chance I get to rest.''
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During World War II an emergency call for a blood donor was sent to the Navy Yard. A rosy-cheeked Irish employee volunteered. At the hospital she was surprised to learn that the patient was a fellow worker, a Jewish friend from her own department. Some months later he returned to work, but never mentioned her help. But came St. Patrick’s Day he arrived resplendent in a bright green tie. “Why, Mr. Cohen,†she explained, “I didn’t know you were Irish.†Cohen smiled knowingly and said: “Sure, and some of the finest blood from Ireland flows in my veins.†* * *
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A car stopped at the United States border and a Customs official looked at the occupants’ passports. “Your passport is in order,†he said to the driver, “but can you prove that this lady is your wife?†The driver glanced at his forbidding-looking companion, and whispered to the official: “There’s a nice present for you if you can prove she isn’t.†* * *
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Bubba and Johnny Ray, two good ole boys, were sitting' on the front porch drinking beer when a large truck hauling rolls and rolls of sod went by. "I'm gonna do that when I win the lottery," said Bubba. "Do what?" asked Johnny Ray. Bubba answered: "Send my grass out to be mowed"
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The boy was practicing his violin lesson in the house, while out on the porch, his younger sister, was playing with the dog. As the boy was scraping away on his fiddle, the hound howled dismally. The sister stood it as long as she could, then she poked her head in the open window and said: “For goodness sake, Jimmy, can’t you play something the dog doesn’t know?†* * * *
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A new railway inspector was objecting to the length of the line overseer’s reports. “Don’t make them so wordy,†he said. “Just put down the condition of the tracks as you find them. Leave out everything that isn’t absolutely to the point. I want a business report, not a novel.†A few days later the line was badly flooded, and the overseer wrote: “Where the railway was the river is.†* * * *
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It was one of those mountain roads and the tourist stopped to ask directions from a native. “Pardon me, sir,†said the stranger, “can you tell me where this road goes?†“Well,†said the hillbilly, “it just moseys along a piece, then it turns into a hog trail, then a squirrel track, and finally runs up a scrub pine and ends in a knothole.†* * *
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Gordon Turner, editor of the Nantucket Inquirer & Mirror, tells about an island farmer who arranged to have an aged aunt cared for in a rest home. On every visit, he brought her delicacies from the farm, especially including a thermos bottle of fresh milk laced (on the advice of her physician) with a little brandy. Recently the old lady interrupted her contented sipping of the thermos bottle’s contents to command: “Larry, don’t you ever dare to sell that cow.†* * * *
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Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, †Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?" "Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques: visualization, association, etc. It was great." "That's great! And what was the name of the clinic?" Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?" "You mean a rose?" "Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife, "Rose, what was the name of that memory clinic?"
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After a few words, mostly spoken by the young wife, her hubby sprang to his feet. “You’ve gone too far! “he exclaimed, angrily. “This is our last quarrel. I’m going right out of your life.†“Oh, Henry, darling, where are you going?†she cried. “I’ll find a place where wild adventure will wipe out the memories of this moment – perhaps in the jungle – or on the stormy seas --.†As he spoke he opened the door, then closed it again and turned sternly to his wife. “It’s lucky for you it’s starting to rain,†he said. * * *
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