Sonny's Funnies
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During the Prohibition Era, a New York exporter took one of his British customers to a place where strong drink could be had. After consuming several rather potent highballs, the Britisher blinked owlishly and remarked: I shay, old man! Why do they call this a speakeasy when, obvi’shly, they make one’s speech become increashingly diff-i-cult?†* * * *
Last reply by snowyday, -
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Married 25 years, Tom took a look at his wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we rented a cheap flat, had a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blonde. Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and large screen TV, but I'm now sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things." The wife is a very reasonable woman. She told him to go out and find a hot 25 year old blonde, and she would make sure that he would once again be living in a cheap flat, driving a cheap car and sleeping on a sofa bed .
Last reply by Sonny, -
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A patient was pleading with a doctor that he really didn’t need an operation. “There’s nothing wrong with me,†he argued, “except that my appendix itches.†“Good,†replied the doctor, we’ll take it out.†“Just because it itches?†the patient gasped. “Certainly,†the doctor boomed back. “Have to take it out before we can scratch it.†* * *
Last reply by snowyday, -
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A biology teacher wished to demonstrate to his students the harmful effects of alcohol on living organisms. For his experiment, he showed them a beaker with pond water in which there was a thriving civilization of worms. When he added some alcohol into the beaker the worms doubled-up and died. "Now," he said,†what do you learn from this?" An eager student gave his answer. "Well the answer is obvious," he said " if you drink alcohol, you'll never have worms."
Last reply by Muff Millen, -
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Pancho and an Irishman named Patrick were caught rustling cattle over the border, and after a summary trial were sentenced to be hanged. When the boys strung up Pancho, the rope slipped and he fell into the river below, rapidly swimming around a curve and made his escape. Chagrined, the posse turned to string up Patrick, who cautioned them: “Boys; be sure to tie a better knot this time, I can’t swim a stroke.†* * *
Last reply by snowyday, -
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A conductor stumbled twice over the foot of a small boy. Looking back at the mother, the conductor said: “Some people seem to have very awkward children.†“Yes,†said the mother; “I was just thinking your mother had one.†* * *
Last reply by snowyday, -
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Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. As they lay down for the night, Holmes said †Watson, look up into the sky and tell me what you see?" Watson said, "I see millions and millions of stars." Holmes: "And what does that tell you?" Watson: "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorogically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?" Holmes: "Somebody stole our tent."
Last reply by Sonny, -
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She was seeking comfort from the kindly old preacher. “I don’t know what’s to become of my man,†she said. “He doesn’t do a lick of work. All he does is drink an’ hunt.†“Well, at least,†mused the preacher, “hunting is of some value.†“His ain’t,†snapped the wife. “What he hunts is a drink.†* * *
Last reply by snowyday, -
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Dallas, Texas – A local man, arrested for refusing to report to his draft board, said. “Too many people are getting killed in the Army.†1951 “I’ve just received by first-class mail, Your lovely formal greeting, But better judgment must prevail And I can't keep that meeting. “A soldier boy I cannot be, An airman, or a ranger. The way I hear it there must be Just too doggoned much danger. * * *
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All summer a mid-western minister noted with dismay, a goodly percentage of his congregation fell quietly asleep during his sermon. Determined to learn the reason why, he had one of his discourses tapped, and after Labor Day dinner, put it on the recording machine in his study, and prepared to make notes. A half hour later, there was a phone call for him and his wife woke him up. * * *
Last reply by snowyday, -
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A reformer was conducting her campaign outside a saloon. As one man came out of the door exuding alcohol fumes, she put a hand on his arm and said: “Reflect; if you arrive at the gates of Heaven with your breath reeking of liquor, do you think St. Peter will let you in?†“My good woman,†said the man, “when I go to Heaven I expect to leave my breath behind.†* * *
Last reply by snowyday, -
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A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer. " If I lose this case, I'll be ruined." "It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer. "Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?" "Oh no! This judge is a stickler or ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court. In fact, you shouldn't even smile at the judge." Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, "Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked!" "I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent t…
Last reply by Sonny, -
The agriculture official told the old farmer to collect his stock of every description and have them branded. “I suppose that’s all right,†the farmer said, scratching his head, “but I’m gonna have a devil of a time with them bees,†* * *
Last reply by snowyday, -
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Bobby had a hard time pronouncing the letter “R†so the teacher gave him a sentence to learn: “Robert gave Richard a rap in the ribs for roasting the rabbit so rare. A few days later she asked Bobby to repeat the sentence. He rose and said, “Bob gave Dick a poke in the side for not cooking the bunny enough.†* * * *
Last reply by snowyday, -
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Down in South Alabama a woman passing a neighbor’s house, and beholding the lord and master of the establishment dozing peacefully on the shady veranda, leaned over the garden fence, and to the man’s longsuffering better half observed: “Well, I see your old man is still taking things easy.†The woman in the garden straightened up from her hoeing, absently massaged her aching back, and replied. “Yes Sarah, he is.†A wispy ghost of a smile flitted over her tired face. “You know,†she added, “that man has just two regrets in life. One is that he has to wake up to eat, and the other that he has to quit eating to sleep.†* * *
Last reply by snowyday, -
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The chef was giving an assistant the bawling out of his life for an error. He shouted: “Didn’t I tell you to notice when the soup boiled over?†The poor fellow held up a hand in defense and said: “I did! I did!! It was half-past ten.†* * * *
Last reply by snowyday, -
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An elderly man, 82, just returned from the doctors only to find he didn't have long to live. So he summoned the three most important people in his life to tell them of his fate: 1. His Doctor 2. His Priest 3. His Lawyer. He said, "Well, today I found out I don't have long to live. So, I have summoned you three here, because you are the most important people in my life, and I need to ask a favor. Today, I am going to give each of you an envelope with $50,000 dollars inside. When I die, I would ask that all three of you throw the money into my grave." After the man passed on, the three people happened to run into each other. The doctor said, "I have to ad…
Last reply by Sonny, -
A lush brother up in the North Woods one day wandered around to where a couple of fellows were working with one of those big cross-cut saws where one stands on each side of the tree they are cutting. One of these lumbermen was practically a giant, and the other a little shrimp. Back and forth went the saw, back and forth. Finally the drunk could stand it no longer. “You big bully,†he exclaimed, smacking the giant lumberman flush on the jaw, “if the little guy wants the saw – let him have it.†* * *
Last reply by snowyday, -
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An ancient mosquito and a young mosquito were talking things over. The older one mentioned how lucky things were for youngsters. “How can you say so?†replied the other. “Look at the things we have to put up with now. All kinds of insecticides. It’s so hard to live these days.†“Maybe,†retorted the older. “But in my time when I wandered around the beach we could bite a girl only on the hands or face. Look at the opportunities you fellows have these days.†* * *
Last reply by snowyday, -
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Officer Mullooney was the stupidest clunk on the Sarsaparilla Falls police force, but his father-in-law was mayor and president of the bank, so there was no way of remedying the situation. One night his chief told Mullooney: “There’s a buzzard been carting apples out of Farmer Klopfer’s orchard every night. I want you to catch him red-handed.†Late that night, Mullooney spotted a man sneaking off the Klopfer premises with a heavy sack. “Mull†collared him and emptied the sack on the ground. Out tumbled a silver tea set, a Picasso miniature, and Mrs. Klopfer’s sable coat. “Golly, I’m sorry,†apologized, Mullooney. “I thought you was stealing ap…
Last reply by snowyday, -
After he became Britain’s prime minister in 1940 Sir Winston Churchill, with a view to conserving manpower, ordered film studies to be made of all military operations. Examining films of a typical firing of an artillery piece, Churchill noticed that of the six-man crew assisting in the operation one man merely stood at attention. Inquiry showed the sixth man was there to hold the reins of the horses. Yet artillery pieces had not been horse-drawn since the early days of World War I. * * *
Last reply by Dan Wilson, -
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A long-suffering wife was about to berate her husband for staggering in at 3 a.m. “Before you begin,†said he, “I want you to know that I was sitting up with a sick friend.†“A likely story, a likely story,†mocked his wife. “What’s his name?†The husband gave this problem deep thought, then announced, “He was so sick he couldn’t tell me.†* * *
Last reply by snowyday, -
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Three contractors are bidding to fix the White House fence. One from New Jersey, another from Tennessee and the third, Florida. They go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Florida contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says. "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me." The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me." The New Jersey contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the …
Last reply by Sonny, -
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THE BOTTLE OF WINE For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, or wish you weren't married, this is something to smile about the next time you see a bottle of wine: Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car. Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she sa…
Last reply by Sonny, -
Cowboy Hat
by Sonny- 2 replies
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An elderly couple, Ray and Bessie, are "snowbirds" in Texas. Ray always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly. He walks into the house and says to his wife: "Notice anything different about me?" Bessie looks him over and says, "Nope." Frustrated, Ray storms off into the bathroom; undresses and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots. Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT NOW?" Bessie looks up and says, "Ray, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow." …
Last reply by Sonny,