Sonny's Funnies
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A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up. In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies. The head monk says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." So, he goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the…
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POSSIBLY THE VERY BEST CHICKEN JOKE EVER.... A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face. The egg, looking a bit ticked off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question".
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An older couple decides to go to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember. Later that night while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. His wife asks, "Where are you going?" "To the kitchen" he replies. "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" "Sure." "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks. "No, I can remember it." "Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. You'd better write it down because you know you'll forget it." He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with stra…
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Words of wisdom from the corporate world. a.. "As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks." (This was the winning quote from Fredrick Dales at Microsoft Corp. in Redmond, WA.) b.. "What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter." (Lykes Lines Shipping) c.. "E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business." (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company) d.. "This project is so important, we can't let things that are more importa…
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A man talking to his friend about what to do for his 50th wedding anniversary. The friend asked, "What did you do for your 25th?" He said, "I took my wife to Hawaii." The friend then asked, "What are you thinking about for your 50th?" He said, "Well I was thinking of bringing her back."
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In Honor of Stupid People . . . . In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods. On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping. (That's the only time I have to work on my hair.) On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special?) On a bar of Dial soap -- …
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The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing of one letter, and supply a new definition. 1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period. 2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole. 3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with. 4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly. 5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately…
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How to treat a woman: > > Wine her. > > Dine her. > > Call her. > > Hold her. > > Surprise her. > > Compliment her. > >! ; Smile at her. > > Listen to her. > > Laugh with her. > > Cry with her. > > Romance her. > > Encourage her. > > Believe in her. > > Pray with her. > > Pray for her. > > Cuddle with her. > > Shop with her. > > Give her jewelry. > > Buy her flowers. > > Hold her hand. > > Write love letters to her. > > Go to the ends of the earth and back again for her. How To Treat a Man: > > Show up na…
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THESE ARE ACTUAL QUOTES TAKEN FROM AUSTRALIAN FEDERAL GOVERNMENT EMPLOYEE PERFORMANCE EVALUATIONS. 1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig." 2. "I would not allow this employee to breed." 3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be." 4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap." 5. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet." 6. "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle." 7. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy." 8. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them." 9.…
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Farmer John
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Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day. So one day Farmer John called the sheriff's office and said "You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens." "What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff. "I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!" So the next day he had the county workers go out and erect a sign that read: SLOW SCHOOL CROSSING Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff and said, "You've got to do s…
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A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down the aisle he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd (alternating between bride's side and groom's side). While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar... So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR all the way down the aisle. As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit. The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and was also near tears by the time he reached the pulpit. When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was being the Ring Bear...."
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Mrs. Parks, the 6th grade science teacher, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?" No one answered until little Molly stood up, angry, and said, "You should not be asking 6th graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, and you'll get fired!" She then sat back down. Mrs. Parks ignored her, and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?" Little Molly's mouth fell open, and she said to those around her, "Boy, is she gonna get in big trouble!" The teacher continued to igno…
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Just in case you ever got the two mixed up. This should make things a bit clearer. IN PRISON.. you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell. AT WORK... you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle. IN PRISON...you get three meals a day. AT WORK...you only get a break for one meal and you pay for it. IN PRISON...you get time off for good behavior. AT WORK...you get more work for good behavior. IN PRISON...the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you. AT WORK...you must carry around a security card and open all the doors for yourself. IN PRISON...you can watch TV and play games. AT WORK...you get fired for watching TV and playing ga…
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1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't. 2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it. 3. I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me! 4. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them. 5. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. 6. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive. 7. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me 8. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. 9. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe. 10. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are missing. 11. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. 12. NyQuil, the …
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A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, "I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today." The bartender says "Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me." As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, "I would like to buy you a drink too." The old woman says, Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water." "Coming up," says the bartender. As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says,"I would like to buy you one too." The old woman says, "Thank you." "Bartender, I want another Scotch w…
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Questions are never indiscreet, answers sometimes are. Oscar Wilde I don't know why my parents purchased an instructional booklet and cassette on Apline yodelling... maybe it was to go with the fondue set they never use. Old Man Luedecke I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed. George Carlin Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories. Steven Wright A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never her age. Zsa Zsa Gabor I am always ready to learn although I do not always like being taught. Winston Churchill My ancestors wandered lost in the wilderness for 40 years because even in bib…
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"BALLS TO THE WALL" IS A TERM THAT PILOTS USE THAT HAS ORIGINS FROM THE EARLIER DAYS OF FLIGHT, WHEN THE THROTTLE, PROP CONTROL, AND MIXTURE HAD KNOBS THAT MADE IT EASIER FOR THE PILOT TO GRIP ...FULL FORWARD TO THE INSTRUMENT PANEL ..."BALLS TO THE WALL." St Louis Approach control... St. Louis Approach to United: "United 123 best forward speed to the outer marker, you are Number 1." United 123 (male voice): “Roger, balls to the wall." St. Louis Approach to American: "American 4321, you're Number 2 behind a United 737, follow him, cleared visual, at best forward speed." American 4321 (female voice): "Well I can't do balls to the wall, but I ca…
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A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide. The pharmacist asks, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady explains that she needs it to poison her husband. The pharmacist's eyes got big and he replies, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license, they'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not! You cannot have any cyanide!" With that the lady reaches into her purse and pulls out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looks at the picture and replies, "Well now, you didn't tell m…
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Hobbies of any kind are boring except to people who have the same hobby. This is also true of religion, although you will not find me saying so in print. Violence and smut are of course everywhere on the airwaves. You cannot turn on your television without seeing them, although sometimes you have to hunt around. We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail. Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them. Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel busin…
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The Sneeze
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A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds. The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more. Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking ever more than before. Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't hel…
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While excavating foundations for a building in Jerusalem, the workers come across a tomb and all work is stopped while the site is investigated. Six months later, the archaeologists tell the minister for works that construction can recommence, as they have solved the mystery of the tomb. The minister asks for a report and is told: the tomb is that of a priest of Jerusalem from the time of the rule of Saul, and he died of a broken heart. How can you tell that for certain, the minister asks? Well, carbon dating establishes the date and his robes are those of a temple priest - we know that from descriptions we have from ancient writings. What about the broken hea…
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Three Words
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A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy young man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes away from him. The young man noticed her overly attentive stare & walked directly toward her. Before she could offer her apologies for being so rude for staring, the young man said to her, 'I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100, on one condition.' Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The young man replied, 'You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.' The wo…
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A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?" The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?" The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband.
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Gas Problem
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An old lady tells her doctor: ''Doctor, I have this problem with gas, but it doesn't bother me too much. I've broken wind at least 20 times since I've been in your office, but you didn't know, because they're silent and don't smell.'' Doctor: ''I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week.'' The next week the lady goes back. ''Doctor,'' she says, ''I don't know what you gave me, but goodness gracious me! Now, although I still break wind silently, they stink terribly.'' Doctor: ''Okay, now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing.
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A lawyer was cross-examining the doctor about whether or not he had checked the pulse of the deceased before he signed the death certificate. "No," the doctor said. "I did not check his pulse." "And did you listen for a heartbeat?" asked the lawyer. "No I did not," the doctor said. "So," said the lawyer, "when you signed the death certificate, you had not taken steps to make sure he was dead." The doctor said, "Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was in a jar on my desk but, for all I know, he could be out practicing law somewhere."
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