Sonny's Funnies
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Three Words
by Sonny- 0 replies
- 953 views
A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy young man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes away from him. The young man noticed her overly attentive stare & walked directly toward her. Before she could offer her apologies for being so rude for staring, the young man said to her, 'I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100, on one condition.' Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The young man replied, 'You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.' The wo…
Last reply by Sonny, -
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- 0 replies
- 860 views
A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?" The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?" The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband.
Last reply by Sonny, -
Gas Problem
by Sonny- 0 replies
- 844 views
An old lady tells her doctor: ''Doctor, I have this problem with gas, but it doesn't bother me too much. I've broken wind at least 20 times since I've been in your office, but you didn't know, because they're silent and don't smell.'' Doctor: ''I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week.'' The next week the lady goes back. ''Doctor,'' she says, ''I don't know what you gave me, but goodness gracious me! Now, although I still break wind silently, they stink terribly.'' Doctor: ''Okay, now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing.
Last reply by Sonny, -
- 0 replies
- 1.1k views
A lawyer was cross-examining the doctor about whether or not he had checked the pulse of the deceased before he signed the death certificate. "No," the doctor said. "I did not check his pulse." "And did you listen for a heartbeat?" asked the lawyer. "No I did not," the doctor said. "So," said the lawyer, "when you signed the death certificate, you had not taken steps to make sure he was dead." The doctor said, "Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was in a jar on my desk but, for all I know, he could be out practicing law somewhere."
Last reply by Sonny, -
- 1 reply
- 1.3k views
There were two guys working for the city. One would dig a hole -- he would dig, dig, dig. The other would come behind him and fill the hole -- fill, fill, fill. These two men worked furiously; one digging a hole, the other filling it up again. A man was watching from the sidewalk and couldn't believe how hard these men were working, but couldn't understand what they were doing. Finally he had to ask them. He said to the hole digger, "I appreciate how hard you work, but what are you doing? You dig a hole and your partner comes behind you and fills it up again!" The hole digger replied, "Oh yeah, must look funny, but the guy who plants the trees is sick today."
Last reply by SEFEGeorge, -
- 0 replies
- 1k views
As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn’t stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t…
Last reply by Sonny, -
The IRS decides to audit Grandpa and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney. The auditor said, Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable. I'm a great gambler and I can prove it says Grandpa. How about a demonstration? The auditor thinks for a moment and said, Okay. Go ahead. Grandpa says, I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye. The auditor thinks a moment and says, It's a bet. Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor'…
Last reply by Sonny, -
- 0 replies
- 929 views
Frank was madly in love with Susan, but couldn’t get up enough courage to pop the question face to face. Finally he decided to ask her on the telephone. “Darling! He blurted out, “Will you marry me?†“Of course, I will, you silly boy,†she replied, “Who’s speaking?â€
Last reply by Sonny, -
- 0 replies
- 891 views
Every Saturday morning Grandpa Walt found himself babysitting his three grandchildren...all boys. The kids always wanted to play ''war,'' and Grandpa somehow always got coaxed into the game. His daughter came to pick up the kids early one Saturday and witnessed Grandpa take a fake shot as Jason pointed a toy gun and yelled, "Bang!'' Grandpa slumped to the floor and stayed there motionless. The daughter rushed over to see if he was all right. Grandpa opened one eye and whispered, ''Sh-h-h, I always do this. It's the only chance I get to rest.''
Last reply by Sonny, -
- 2 replies
- 6k views
Subject: The Alaskan Barbie Collection - Just in Time for Christmas Giving! Juneau Barbie: Juneau Barbie has a good job working for the State. She gets to travel to Anchorage frequently, where she buys her clothes at Eddie Bauer and Nordstrom. She keeps herself in tip top shape, and participates in the Kluane bike race, as well as the Skagway to Whitehorse Klondike run. She and her girlfriends love to drink, dance, and sing together, re-living their athletic accomplishments. Juneau Barbie has a lot of help around the house because Juneau Ken lost his politically appointed position during the last change of administration. Juneau Ken works part time as a "co…
Last reply by ElijahChavez, -
- 0 replies
- 1.1k views
Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up. Roberts looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to tell the wife?" They draw straws. Rippington, who is always a loser, picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse than it is. "Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet man you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me." Rippington walks over to the Smith house, knocks on the door, the wife answers, and asks what he wants. Rippingt…
Last reply by Sonny, -
- 0 replies
- 1.1k views
Through the pitch-black night, the captain sees a light dead ahead on a collision course with his ship. He sends a signal: “Change your course 10 degree east.†The light signals back: “Change yours, 10 degrees west.†Angry, the captain sends: “I’m a navy captain! Change your course, sir!†“I’m a seaman, second class,†comes the reply. “Change your course, sir.†Now the captain is furious. “I’m a battleship! I’m not changing course!†here is one last reply. “I’m a lighthouse. Your call.â€
Last reply by Sonny, -
A couple are out shopping in a packed shopping centre, only for the wife to suddenly realise her husband has disappeared! Calling him on his mobile, he answers and says in a calm voice: ''Honey, you remember the jewellery store we went into about five years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that I would get it for you one day?'' The wife chokes up and says with a faltering voice, ''Yes, I remember.'' ''Well, I'm in the bar right next to it.''
Last reply by Sonny, -
Two drunks
by Sonny- 0 replies
- 948 views
Two drunks Two drunks are driving down the highway, drinking their beer. All of a sudden the driver notices lights flashing in his mirror; the cops are on his tail. His buddy says, "What are we going to do?" The driver says, "Don't worry, Just do exactly what I tell you and everything will work out perfectly. First, peel the labels off our beer bottles and we'll each stick one on our forehead. Then shove the bottles underneath the seat, and let me do the talking." They pull over and the cop walks up to the car. He looks at them kind of funny, but asks to see the guy's driver's license. And he asks him, "Have you been drinking?" "Oh, no, sir," the driver…
Last reply by Sonny, -
- 0 replies
- 871 views
Married couples, both 60 years old, were celebrating their 35th anniversary. During their party, a fairy appeared to congratulate them and grant them each one a wish. The wife wanted to travel around the world. The fairy waved her wand and poof -- the wife had tickets in her hand for a world cruise. Next, the fairy asked the husband what he wanted. He said, "I wish I had a wife 30 years younger than me." So the fairy picked up her wand and poof -- The husband was 90.
Last reply by Sonny, -
- 0 replies
- 1.2k views
[h=2]God Bless the enlisted man.............[/h] Is Sex "work"? A Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled. He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?" A Major chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work . A Captain said it was 50-50%. A lieutenant responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure, depending upon his state of i…
Last reply by Dan Wilson, -
- 0 replies
- 905 views
Mo attends to a revival and listens to the sermon. After a while, the pastor asks anyone with needs to come forward and be prayed over. Mo gets in line and, when it’s his turn the pastor asks, “Mo, what do you want me to pray about?†Mo says, “Pastor, I need you to pray for my hearing.†So the pastor puts one finger in Mo’s ear and the other hand on top of his head and prays for a while. He removes his hands and says, “Mo how’s your hearing now?†Mo says, “I don’t know pastor, it’s not until next Monday.
Last reply by Sonny, -
- 1 reply
- 1.1k views
Watch out America!!
Last reply by Sparks, -
- 0 replies
- 962 views
The hunnert mile an hour goat Two Weyburn rednecks are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approached it and are amazed by the size of it. The first hunter says, "Wow, that's some hole; I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is." The second hunter says," I don't know, let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom." The first hunter says, "There's this old automobile transmission here, give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see". So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole. They are standing th…
Last reply by Mt.crewchief, -
The Duuuel
by Sonny- 0 replies
- 964 views
Little Pete came home from the playground with a bloody nose, black eye, and torn clothing. It was obvious he’d been in a bad fight and lost. While his father was patching him up, he asked his son what happened. “Well, Dad,†said Pete, “ I challenged Larry to a duel. And, you know, I gave him his choice of weapons.†“Uh-huh,†said the father, “that seems fair.†“I know, but I never thought he’d choose his sister!â€
Last reply by Sonny, -
- 0 replies
- 941 views
A Sunday school teacher asked the children in her class, " If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would I get into Heaven?" the children all answered "No!" "If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would I get into Heaven?" Again the answer was "No!" "Well", she continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?" A five-year-old boy shouted out, "You gotta be dead!"
Last reply by Sonny, -
- 0 replies
- 1.1k views
Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up. Roberts looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to tell the wife?" They draw straws. Rippington, who is always a loser, picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse than it is. "Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet man you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me." Rippington walks over to the Smith house, knocks on the door, the wife answers, and asks what he wants. Rippin…
Last reply by Sonny, -
- 0 replies
- 1k views
A farmer needs to buy a bull to service his cows, but has to borrow the money from the bank. The banker who lent the money comes by a week later to see how his investment is doing. The farmer complains that the bull just eats grass and won't even look at the cows. The banker suggests that a veterinarian have a look at the bull. The next week, the banker returns to see if the vet helped. The farmer looks very pleased: ''The bull serviced all my cows twice, broke through the fence and serviced all my neighbour's cows three times.'' ''Wow,'' says the banker. ''What did the vet do to that bull?'' ''Just gave him some pills,'' replies the farmer. ''What kind of pil…
Last reply by Sonny, -
- 2 replies
- 1.5k views
Subject: COCKPIT DUTIES A few years ago on a long Air NZ flight; I asked if I could visit the cockpit.. When I got up there, I found four crewmen. I asked the first what he did, and he explained that he was the navigator and what his responsibilities were. I turned to next one and asked what he did. He explained that he was the engineer and his job was to monitor and troubleshoot any system problems; To keep the flight operating smoothly. I turned to the next one and asked what he did. He explained that as the captain he was responsible for everything on the airplane and the functioning of the crew. So I then turned to the young first officer and asked …
Last reply by Sonny, -
- 0 replies
- 1.7k views
A C-141-A Starlifter had been delayed for take-off for over an hour at Thule Air Force Base, Greenland, because a sewage repository had not been pumped out. Finally a young airman wanders up to the aircraft with the appropriate equipment. The airman fiddles around for a while, does his thing, and then gets ready to leave. The aircraft commander, a young captain, confronts the airman. "You've caused me to be two hours late for my take-off. I'll see that you are not only reprimanded, but punished as well! " At that the young airman, smiles. "Sir, with all due respect, I have no stripes, I'm stationed at Thule, Greenland, it's 20 degrees below zero, and I'm pumpi…
Last reply by fltsload,