Sonny's Funnies
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A conference is a group of men who individually can do nothing, but as a group can meet and decide that nothing can be done. A statistician is a man who draws a mathematically precise line from an unwanted assumption to a foregone conclusion. A professor is a man whose job it is to tell students how to solve the problem of life which he himself has tried to avoid by becoming a professor. A consultant is a man who knows less about your business than you do and gets paid more for telling you how to run it than you could possibly make out of it even if you ran it right instead of the way he told you. A specialist is a man who concentrates more and more on les…
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A lawyer came to London to locate a young woman who had fallen heir to a large fortune. The police were called in to aid in the search, and placed the case in the hands of a clever and personably young detective. Several weeks passed by without any information, and the lawyer was beginning to feel deeply concerned over the matter, when the young detective appeared and smilingly informed him he had located the heiress. “Where is she?†asked the lawyer. “At my place,†replied the detective. “I married her yesterday.†* * *
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Two men were talking about fishing and one of them got off on the subject of a sailfish he had hooked in the Gulf Stream, out of Miami. “I fought that fish for three hours,†he said, “and believe it or not, when we hauled him on board, he weighed almost 1400 pounds.†The other man countered with this one. “I had a strike in the same region. I fought mine likewise for about three hours and when I brought him to gaff, it wasn’t a sailfish at all but the binnacle off an old Spanish galleon. Believe it or not, when we hauled the thing aboard, the light was still burning.†The first fisherman said nothing for a few moments. Finally he gathered himself t…
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Judge: (during divorce proceed-ings): “And why didn’t you speak to your wife once during these last seven years?†Husband: “I couldn’t think of anything that she herself hadn’t said already.†* * *
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“I say,†said a bumptious individual to a man standing at the street corner, “just tell me how I can get to Blank Street. “Well,†was the reply, “take the third turning on the left, first to the right, second to the right again, fourth to the left, first to right, fifth to left, cut across a square, pass through a crescent, take the second to the left, and you’ll get it.†The stranger jotted down the particulars and followed the instructions given. After three quarters of an hour he was startled to arrive at the place where he had asked the question, and to see the same man still standing at the corner. “Why did you direct me wrongly?†h…
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One cold morning two friends went out duck hunting. A flask full of hot coffee kept one of them warm, while frequent nips at a bottle of whiskey kept the cold out of the other. There was no sign of ducks for several hours, when suddenly a lone bird appeared overhead. The coffee drinker raised his gun, fired and missed. His companion put down the whiskey, raised his gun and brought down the duck with one shot. “Good shooting,†commented the first. “Easy as pie,†said the other with a hiccough. “When a flock like that comes over you’re bound to hit one of them.†* * *
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A Don Juan Club in Grenoble, France, has issued the following report on the behavior of foreign women. The German woman is good to her children. The Japanese woman is good to her husband. The Italian woman is good to her parents. The British woman is good to her house. The Dutch woman is good to her church. The American woman is good to herself. February 1959 * * *
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“The people upstairs are very annoying,†complained the tenant. “Last night they stomped and banged on the floor until midnight.†“Did they wake you?†asked the landlord. “No.†explained the tenant, “luckily I was up, playing my tuba.†* * *
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A group of fishermen stopped in at a backwoods farm house to see if they could buy some lunch. “Reckon so,†the farmer’s wife said. “Effen you like pork chops—that’s all I got.†The hungry men fell to and ate up all the pork chops. Afterwards they complimented the wife on how excellent the chops were. “Well, I should hope so,†she replied. “That’s none of your old butchered meat. That hog died a natural death. * * *
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On his first trip to a town of any size, the mountain man was fascinated by the asphalt streets. Scraping his feet on the hard surface, he remarked to his son, “well, I declare, I can’t say as I blame ‘em fer buildin’ a city here. Ground’s too durned hard to plow!†* * *
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An inquisitive Yankee, visiting Kentucky in 1922, was introduced to Col. Colby. “Did you serve in the Confederate Army?†he inquired. “Oh, no, suh,†answered the colonel. “Well, you must have been in the Union Army.†“Certainly not, suh!†“State militia?†“No, suh, I have never served in any military organization.†The Northerner persisted, “Well, then you must be one of those honorary colonels the governor appoints.†he said. “Still not right, suh,†firmly replied the old gentleman. “Many men have official, judicial and military titles who are not entitled to them, but I came by mine legitimately. I married the wid…
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A mother with three youngsters, on the way to a children’s matinee, found a bus seat for the smallest child next to a nun. He gazed at the nun open-mouthed for a moment, but was soon chatting away. When they reached their destination the mother thanked the sister for her patience, and hoped young Johnny had not been a nuisance. “Not at all,†the nun replied, smiling. “But, please, never tell him I’m not really a penguin!†* * *
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“Have you ever appeared as a witness in a suit before? Asked the bully-ragging attorney. “Why of course!†replied the young lady on the witness stand. “Then tell the jury just what suit it was!†demanded the attorney. “It was a blue suit, with a white collar and cuffs, and white buttons all the way down the back,†replied the young lady. 1952 trial * * *
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Wilson: “Col. Becker says it’s his rule: “Never to take a drink when you feel as if you need one. Old Browning says: ‘Never take a drink except when you need one,†Now what is a fellow going to do?†Johnson: “Follow both rules, and you’ll be all right. * * * *
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Mamma: “Where have you been, Johnny?†Johnny: “playing ball.†Mamma (severely): “But I told you to beat the rug, Didn’t I?†Johnny: “No ma’am. You told me to hang the rug on the line and beat it.†* * *
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“How did Twickenham lose the election?†“His opponent claimed that Twickenham had at one time made the statement: “There are three kinds of women – the beautiful the intelligent, and the majority.†* * *
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A man working in a factory got his coat caught in a revolving wheel. He was whisked up and whirled round and round till the foreman managed to switch off the machine. The workman fell to the ground and up rushed the foreman. “Speak to me, speak to me,†he said. “Why should I, said the workman. “I passed you six times just now and you didn’t speak to me.†* * *
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Electricity had been installed in a row of houses in a little out-of-the-way village in West Virginia. An inspector was sent there to see how the local residents were finding their new amenity. He knocked on one door and asked the old lady who answered how she liked having electricity in the house. “Oh, it’s grand,†she replied. “Now I can see to light the lamp.†* * * * From a 1946 newspaper
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The officer in charge of a party of Royal Engineers constructing a road through a swamp section ordered a 2nd Lieutenant to take fifteen men and get on with the job. Presently the subaltern came to see the colonel. “Sir,†he reported, “the mud is over the men’s heads. We just can’t get through.†“Nonsense†roared the C.O. “Make out a chit for anything you need and I’ll see that you get it.†A few minutes later the 2nd Lieutenant laid this memorandum on the C.O.’s desk: “Need 15 men 18 feet tall to cross swamp 15 feet deep.†* * *
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An Indian named Big Smoke was employed as a missionary to his fellow Smokes. A white man asked Big Smoke what he did for a living. “Umph!†said Big Smoke, “me preach.†“That so? What do you get for preaching?†“Me get $10 a year.†“Well,†said the white man, “that’s pretty poor pay.†“Umph!†said Big Smoke: “Me pretty poor preacher.†* * *
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A Bostonian in the newspaper business was a guest in a friend’s home. The friend owns a parrot. It is a very smart parrot. The host placed the bird on his guest’s shoulder. The newspaper man, not very fond of birds, felt ill at ease. While the host was out of the room, he repeatedly told the bird to get off his shoulder. It wouldn’t. Finally the guest gave the parrot a solid push, and got it off. The parrot flew across the room, landed on a shelf, and screamed: “He hit me, he hit me.†* * *
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An Indian walked into the bank of a small town to try to get a loan of $200. “How long do you want it for?†the bank manager inquired. The Indian was rather vague. So the manager asked if he had any security. “Me got 200 head cattle,†was the reply, and as this seemed satisfactory the loan was made. A month or so later, the Indian came back with $2,000 in cash and paid off his loan. Then having put the rest of the money in his pocket, he turned to leave. “Why don’t you let me look after the rest of your money for you?†replied the manager. A sudden gleam came into the Indian’s eye. “How many head of cattle you got?†he asked suspiciously…
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The city magistrate in Tennessee, noted for his toughness with a drunk, peered with sympathy at the quaking man before the bench. “I’m going to show you I’ve got a heart,†he said, “even though these papers show you have a very serious disease. I hope you’ll go to a doctor immediately. Sentence suspended.†“But Judge,†the defendant tried to interrupt. “Sentence suspended!†His Honor roared, slapping the bench with his gavel. “You’d better go before I change my mind.†“But Judge,†the defendant finally was able to interrupt, “Diabetes is my nickname.†* * *
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A rather fragile looking gent was hauled into court for striking his wife, a large buxom woman. “Why did you strike your wife?†the surprised judge asked after appraising the couple. “Well, your honor,†said the defendant softly, “she had her back to me, the broomstick was handy and the back door was wide open. So I took the chance. * * *
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The mule was obstinate, and balking time and time again. But at each halt, the old farmer crawled patiently from the wagon, gathered a handful of dirt and crammed it into the animal’s mouth. Just as often, the mule spat it out. A passerby asked, “Does that do any good?†The farmer squinted at him thoughtfully. “Can’t say for sure, stranger,†he drawled at last. “But leastways, it takes the critter’s mind off what he’s doing.†* * * *
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