Sonny's Funnies
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An observant lad in Brooklyn accompanied his mom to the butcher shop. “Is that turkey you’re wrapping?†he asked. “It’s lamb,â€corrected the butcher. “You don’t see any feathers on it, do you?†“I don’t,†admitted the lad, but added, “I don’t see any wool on it, either.†* * *
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The Bridge
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Sean is the pastor of a Church of England parish in Northern Ireland and Patrick is the priest in the Catholic church just across the border. One day they are seen together, erecting a sign beside the road that says: TA END IS NEAR! TURN YERSELF AROUNT NOW AFOR IT IS TOO LATE! As a car speeds past them, the driver leans out his window and yells, "Leave people alone, you Oirish religious nutters! We don't need your lectures." From the next curve they hear screeching tyres and a big splash. Shaking his head, Father Patrick says, ''Dat's da terd one dis mornin.'" "Yaa," Pastor Sean agrees, then asks: "Do ya tink maybe da sign should just say, 'Bridge Out…
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A passenger aboard a pleasure boat asked the captain why they had stopped in midstream. “The fog is so thick that we can’t see to proceed up-river,†he replied. “But, captain,†the passenger persisted. “I can see the stars.†“Yes,†he replied, “but unless the boilers blow up, that’s not the way we’re going.†* * *
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A man was dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there was a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. He quickly reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back. 'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place.. 'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.' They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theatre followed by drinks... They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened …
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Murray Robinson tells about the shopworn prize fighter who kept urging his manager, “Get me a fight with Punchy Platnik. I’ll moider the bum and we’ll be back in the big money. You gotta get me a match with Punchy Platnik!†The manager finally lost his patience and exploded, “You wanna know why I can’t get you Punchy Platnik? So I’ll tell you: YOU’RE Punchy Platnik!†From Bennett Cerf 1960 * * *
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A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer." the man began, "I can explain,". "Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back..." "But officer, I just wanted to say...." "And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!" A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back." "Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."
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On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Susan went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, he had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Susan told her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too stren…
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After he became Britain’s prime minister in 1940 Sir Winston Churchill, with a view to conserving manpower, ordered film studies to be made of all military operations. Examining films of a typical firing of an artillery piece, Churchill noticed that of the six-man crew assisting in the operation one man merely stood at attention. Inquiry showed the sixth man was there to hold the reins of the horses. Yet artillery pieces had not been horse-drawn since the early days of World War I. * * *
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Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!" So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!" The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who …
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In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods. On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping. (That's the only time I have to work on my hair.) On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special?) On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regula…
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I went to the store the other day to buy a bolt for our front door, for as I told the storekeeper, the governor was coming here. “Aye,: said he, “and the legislature too.†“Then I will take two bolts,†said I. He said that there had been a steady demand for bolts and locks of late, for our protectors were coming. Henry David Thoreau, The Journal, Sept. 8, 1859. * * *
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Praised inordinately by a banquet M.C. one evening, Thomas A. Edison acknowledged the encomiums, then added. “Our distinguished chairman was wrong on one point, however. It was God who invented the first talking machine. I only invented a way to shut it off.†* * *
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“Your mother has been living with us for 20 years now,†said John, “isn’t it about time she got an apartment of her own?†“My mother?†replied Helen. “I thought she was your mother.†* * * *
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A man went to his bank for a loan. He was told he could have it provided he could guess which eye of the manager was a glass one. “The left,†he said correctly – and then explained to the manager that it was the one that looked more sympathetic. * * *
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“I’ll give you five dollars if you let me paint you,†said the artist to the grizzled old mountaineer. The man shifted from one leg to the other and scratched his chin. “It’s easy money,†tempted the artist. “Thar ain’t no question about that,†said the mountaineer. “O ’im just wondering ‘ow I’m going to get the paint off afterwards.†* * *
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One night 4 college students were partying until late and did not study for a test which was scheduled for the next day. In the morning, they thought of a plan. They made themselves look as dirty as possible, with grease and dirt. They then went to the teacher and said that they had gone to a wedding last night and on their return, a tire burst on their car and they had to push the car all the way back home and that they were in no condition to take the test. The teacher kindly allowed them to do a re-test after 3 days. They thanked him and said they would be ready by that time. On the third day, they went for their test. The teacher said that as this was a Spec…
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A reformer was conducting her campaign outside a saloon. As one man came out of the door exuding alcohol fumes, she put a hand on his arm and said: “Reflect; if you arrive at the gates of Heaven with your breath reeking of liquor, do you think St. Peter will let you in?†“My good woman,†said the man, “when I go to Heaven I expect to leave my breath behind.†* * *
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Slightly the worse for wear, a man was homeward bound from a rather merry party. He consulted his watch. It was 7 p.m. From the taxi window he spotted a clock outside a jewelry shop. It registered 6:55. Then he asked the driver for the time. “Six-fifty,†was the reply. “Turn around fast,†ordered the passenger. “I’m going in the wrong direction!†* * *
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Doctor Call
by Sonny- 0 replies
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A man is surprised to receives a call from his doctor. The doctor says, "I'm sorry, but I have some bad news and some worse news." "Well, alright, give me the bad news first," said the man. "Well," said the doctor, "The bad news is that you only have 24 hours to live." "Holy Cow! That is some bad news!" the man exclaimed. "What news could be worse than that?" he asked. "The worse news is that I have been trying to reach you since yesterday."
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The fire chief and his staff were invited to watch a recent fire drill at a government office. When the alarm rang, the 600 employees evacuated the four-story building in little over three minutes. Everyone was pleased until quitting time when the building was cleared in two minutes flat. * * *
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Half Drunk
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A few years ago I came home from a night of drinking with the boys. As I fell through the doorway of our house, my wife snapped at me, “What’s the big idea coming home half drunk?†My reply was simple I just said, “I’m sorry, honey. I ran out of money.â€
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A country dame had been put on a rigid diet by her doctor. Shortly thereafter a neighbor dropped in to inquire how she was doing and was amazed to see her eating a large slab of apple pie. “I thought you were on a diet,†the friend exclaimed. “I am,†replied the woman. “But I’ve had my diet, and now I’m having my dinner.†* * *
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Telephone operators often use certain codes as they talk back and forth to each other in handling long distance calls. For example, an operator will say, “DA,†meaning “doesn’t answer,†or “BY†which means the number is “busy.†One operator in rural Tennessee came up with her own codes. “The number you want is OMC,†she told the operator at the other end of the line. “What’s OMC?†the confused girl asked. “Out milking cows.†1945 * * *
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A doctor broke the bad news to a man, that his wife would have to be admitted to a psychiatric hospital. “I’m afraid her mind’s completely gone,†he said. “Makes sense,†mumbled the man. “She’s been giving me a piece of it every day for the last 15 years.â€
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“How did you do in school today, Tommy?†asked a school-boy’s mother. “All right,†was the answer. “Teacher said I was a regular little beaver.†“She did?†exclaimed the parent proudly. “That goes to show what a hard worker you are.†“W-e-l-l, not exactly,†said the boy. “It was really for chewing my pencil.†* * * *
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