Sonny's Funnies
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A rather fragile looking gent was hauled into court for striking his wife, a large buxom woman. “Why did you strike your wife?†the surprised judge asked after appraising the couple. “Well, your honor,†said the defendant softly, “she had her back to me, the broomstick was handy and the back door was wide open. So I took the chance. * * *
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The mule was obstinate, and balking time and time again. But at each halt, the old farmer crawled patiently from the wagon, gathered a handful of dirt and crammed it into the animal’s mouth. Just as often, the mule spat it out. A passerby asked, “Does that do any good?†The farmer squinted at him thoughtfully. “Can’t say for sure, stranger,†he drawled at last. “But leastways, it takes the critter’s mind off what he’s doing.†* * * *
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A businessman signed a new fire insurance policy and that night his factory was burned to the ground. The company suspected fraud, but had no proof. The only thing the manager could do was to send the policy-holder the following note. “Sir,--On the twenty-third of the month you took out an insurance policy at 10 a.m. and your fire did not break out until 7 p.m. on that day. Will you kindly explain the delay?†* * * *
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A baseball manager was telling a newspaper reporter about a newly acquired player. “My new player is an outfielder named Sentimental Jones,†the manager said, “and we expect big things of him.†“Sentimental is an odd name for a ball player,†“How did he happen to get that name?†“Because he chokes up whenever he holds a bat,†the manager replied. * * * *
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Joe had asked Bob to help him out with the deck after work, so Bob just went straight over to Joe's place. When they got to the door, Joe went straight to his wife, gave her a hug and told her how beautiful she was and how much he had missed her at work. When it was time for supper, he complimented his wife on her cooking, kissed her and told her how much he loved her. Once they were working on the deck, Bob told Joe that he was surprised that he fussed so much over his wife. Joe said that he'd started this about six months ago, it had revived their marriage, and things couldn't be better. Bob thought he'd give it a go. When he got home, he gave his wife a ma…
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The preacher of a small church in a remote section of the country once preached a funeral service for one of the local characters and he explained the deceased’s position in the community thusly: “Now, he wasn’t what you would call a good man, because he never gave his heart to the Lord; but he was what you’d call a respected sinner.†* * * *
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One dark night two owls were perched on an exposed branch. They sat snuggled up together, talking happily. Suddenly a heavy shower drenched the pair, and the male bird lapsed into a sullen silence. The female owl tried to get him to talk, but he refused to pay her any attention. Finally she asked: “Don’t you love me anymore?†The muttered reply came: “Too-wet-to-woo, too-wet-to-woo.†* * * *
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A man was telling his wife at breakfast of a curious dream he had had the previous night. “I dreamt I was dead,†he said, “and was on my way to Heaven. At the foot of Jacob’s ladder I was handed a piece of chalk with instructions to put a cross on each step for each sin I had committed, and when I was a short way up I met you coming down.†“Refused admittance?†“No, dear, going to get more chalk.†* * *
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A man went to the doctor complaining of insomnia. The doctor gave him an exam and found nothing physically wrong with him. “Listen,†the doctor said, “if you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you need to stop taking your troubles to bed with you.†“It’s true,†said the patient, “but my wife refuses to sleep alone.â€
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Edward Hale, while chaplain of the U.S. Senate, was asked, "Do you pray for the senators?" He quickly replied, "No. After getting to know the senators, I pray for the people."
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Members of the school board were visiting the little school and the teacher anxiously sought to show off her pupils to best advantage. She asked one of her bright-faced little boys. Who signed the Magna Carta? He shook his head slowly. It wasn’t me, ma’am, he replied. The teacher told him to go to his seat. But one elderly board member was obviously displeased with the proceedings. He arose from his chair. Not so fast, he said. Bring that young man back. I believe he did sign it. * * *
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Dear Ma and Pa, I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled. I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. But, I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay.. Practically nothing!! Men got to shave; but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chop…
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During the Prohibition Era, a New York exporter took one of his British customers to a place where strong drink could be had. After consuming several rather potent highballs, the Britisher blinked owlishly and remarked: I shay, old man! Why do they call this a speakeasy when, obvi’shly, they make one’s speech become increashingly diff-i-cult?†* * * *
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Married 25 years, Tom took a look at his wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we rented a cheap flat, had a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blonde. Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and large screen TV, but I'm now sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things." The wife is a very reasonable woman. She told him to go out and find a hot 25 year old blonde, and she would make sure that he would once again be living in a cheap flat, driving a cheap car and sleeping on a sofa bed .
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A patient was pleading with a doctor that he really didn’t need an operation. “There’s nothing wrong with me,†he argued, “except that my appendix itches.†“Good,†replied the doctor, we’ll take it out.†“Just because it itches?†the patient gasped. “Certainly,†the doctor boomed back. “Have to take it out before we can scratch it.†* * *
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A biology teacher wished to demonstrate to his students the harmful effects of alcohol on living organisms. For his experiment, he showed them a beaker with pond water in which there was a thriving civilization of worms. When he added some alcohol into the beaker the worms doubled-up and died. "Now," he said,†what do you learn from this?" An eager student gave his answer. "Well the answer is obvious," he said " if you drink alcohol, you'll never have worms."
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Pancho and an Irishman named Patrick were caught rustling cattle over the border, and after a summary trial were sentenced to be hanged. When the boys strung up Pancho, the rope slipped and he fell into the river below, rapidly swimming around a curve and made his escape. Chagrined, the posse turned to string up Patrick, who cautioned them: “Boys; be sure to tie a better knot this time, I can’t swim a stroke.†* * *
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A conductor stumbled twice over the foot of a small boy. Looking back at the mother, the conductor said: “Some people seem to have very awkward children.†“Yes,†said the mother; “I was just thinking your mother had one.†* * *
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Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. As they lay down for the night, Holmes said †Watson, look up into the sky and tell me what you see?" Watson said, "I see millions and millions of stars." Holmes: "And what does that tell you?" Watson: "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorogically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?" Holmes: "Somebody stole our tent."
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She was seeking comfort from the kindly old preacher. “I don’t know what’s to become of my man,†she said. “He doesn’t do a lick of work. All he does is drink an’ hunt.†“Well, at least,†mused the preacher, “hunting is of some value.†“His ain’t,†snapped the wife. “What he hunts is a drink.†* * *
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Dallas, Texas – A local man, arrested for refusing to report to his draft board, said. “Too many people are getting killed in the Army.†1951 “I’ve just received by first-class mail, Your lovely formal greeting, But better judgment must prevail And I can't keep that meeting. “A soldier boy I cannot be, An airman, or a ranger. The way I hear it there must be Just too doggoned much danger. * * *
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All summer a mid-western minister noted with dismay, a goodly percentage of his congregation fell quietly asleep during his sermon. Determined to learn the reason why, he had one of his discourses tapped, and after Labor Day dinner, put it on the recording machine in his study, and prepared to make notes. A half hour later, there was a phone call for him and his wife woke him up. * * *
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A reformer was conducting her campaign outside a saloon. As one man came out of the door exuding alcohol fumes, she put a hand on his arm and said: “Reflect; if you arrive at the gates of Heaven with your breath reeking of liquor, do you think St. Peter will let you in?†“My good woman,†said the man, “when I go to Heaven I expect to leave my breath behind.†* * *
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A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer. " If I lose this case, I'll be ruined." "It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer. "Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?" "Oh no! This judge is a stickler or ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court. In fact, you shouldn't even smile at the judge." Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, "Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked!" "I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent t…
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The agriculture official told the old farmer to collect his stock of every description and have them branded. “I suppose that’s all right,†the farmer said, scratching his head, “but I’m gonna have a devil of a time with them bees,†* * *
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