Sonny

Watch for these new computer viruses ..

Neither Norton, McAfee, nor any other A/V has solutions as of yet!

The John Kerry Virus - Reverses every position in your computer each time you turn it on.

The Clinton Virus - Gives you a permanent Hard Drive with NO memory.

The Al Gore Virus - Causes your computer to just keep counting and

re-counting.

The Bob Dole (a.k.a. Viagra) Virus - Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.

The Lewinsky Virus - Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then e-mails everyone about what it did.

The Michael Jackson Virus - Attacks only minor files.

The Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus - Terminates some files, leaves, but will be back!

The Mike Tyson Virus - Quits after two bytes

.

The Oprah Winfrey Virus - Your 200 GB hard drive shrinks to 100 GB, then slowly expands to re-stabilize around 150 GB.

The Ellen Degeneres Virus - Disks can no longer be inserted.

The Prozac Virus - Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care.

The Lorena Bobbitt Virus - Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch

floppy, then discards it through Windows.

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking........and one blonde says to the other - "Which do you think is farther away..........Florida or the moon?

"The other blonde turns and says "Hellooooo, can you see Florida.......?????

******************************************************

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.

After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.

She says, "What's the story?"

He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"

She asks, "And, how often do I have to do that?"

*****************************************************************

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.

She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

****************************************************

There's this blonde out for a walk.

She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank.

"Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"

The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."

********************************************************

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.

Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!

Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled , "PULL OVER!"

"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

*******************************************************************

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.

The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"

The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"

The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"

The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.

"You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.

To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"

****************************************************

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night.

It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature.

Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"

She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

************************************************************

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.

The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.

Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"

"HELLOOOOOO," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!"

How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?

1. Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got

our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a

stupid burned out bulb?

2. Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's

not up to code.

3. Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!

4. Rottweiler: Make me.

5. Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the

dark.

6. Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb!

Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please,

please!

7. German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people

from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make

just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take

advantage of the situation.

8. Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off

the walls and furniture.

9. Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a

light bulb!

10. Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in

the dark.

11. Chihuahua: "We don't need no stinking light bulb."

12. Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?

13. Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a

little circle...

14. Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it.

By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will dry.

How many cats does it take to change a light bulb?

Cats do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the

real question is:

"How long will it be before I can expect some light, some dinner,

and a massage?"

All of which proves, once again, that while dogs have masters,

cats have staff!!!!

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, "I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today." The bartender says "Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me."

As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, "I would like to buy you a drink too." The old woman says, Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water." "Coming up," says the bartender.

As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says,"I would like to buy you one too." The old woman says, "Thank you." "Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water." "Coming right up," the bartender says.

As he gives her the drink he says, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?"

The old woman replies, "Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Water, however, is a whole other issue."

THIRTY LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE

1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.

2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

3. I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!

4. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

5. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

6. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

7. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me

8. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

9. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

10. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are missing.

11. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

12. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

13. God must love stupid people; He made so many.

14. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

15. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

16. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

17. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!

18. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.

19. Procrastinate Now!

20. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?

21.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

22.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance

23.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

24.. Be thankful we are not getting all the government we are paying for.

25..He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.

26..A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.

27..Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

28.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.

29.. The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.

30.. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

An elderly gent was invited to his old friend's home for dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms-- Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.

While the wife was in the kitchen,the man leaned over and said to his host, "I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names."

The old man hung his head, "I have to tell you the truth," he said, "I forgot her name about 10 years ago.

The phone rang. The lady of the house answered~~~ "Yes?" "Mrs.. Ward, please." "Speaking"

Mrs Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory. When your Doctor sent your husband's samples to the lab, the samples from another Mr Ward were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly, it is either bad or terrible."

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asked.

"Well, one Mr. Ward has tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other for AIDS. We can't tell which your husband's is."

"That's terrible! Can we do the test over?" questioned Mrs Ward.

"Normally, yes. But Medicare won't pay for these expensive tests more than once."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."

Billy Bob was walking down the street and up pulls Bubba in a brand new pickup.

Billy Bob asks Bubba where he got the new truck.

Well I was at the dance on Saturday night and this really good looking girl starting tell me about her brand new pickup, and asked me if I wanted to go for a ride in it. I told her I would..

We went out of town on the highway and then she pulled off on a dirt road, and then she pulled off into the woods..

She got out of the truck and took off all her clothes, and said "Bubba you can have anything you want"

Billy Bob said that was really smart of you Bubba,...... Because those clothes never would have fit you...

These are funny signs that have been spotted:

Plumber:

"We repair what your husband fixed."

Pizza shop slogan:

"7 days without pizza makes one weak."

At a tire shop in Milwaukee:

"Invite us to your next blow out."

Door of a plastic surgeons office:

"Hello, can we pick your nose?"

Sign at the psychic's hotline:

"Don't call us, we'll call you."

At a laundry shop:

"How about we refund your money, send you a new one at no charge, close the store and have the manager shot. Would that be satisfactory?"

At a towing company:

"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

Billboard on the side of the road:

"Keep your eyes on the road and stop reading these signs."

On an electricians truck:

"Let us remove your shorts."

In a non-smoking area:

"If we see smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

On maternity room door:

"Push, Push, Push."

At an optometrists office

"If you don't see what your looking for you've come to the right place."

On a taxidermist's window:

"We really know our stuff."

In a Podiatrist's office:

"Time wounds all heels."

On a Butchers window:

"Let me meat your needs."

On a fence:

"Salesmen welcome, dog food is expensive."

At a car dealership:

"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

Outside a muffler shop:

"No appointment necessary, we hear you coming."

Outside a hotel:

"Help! We need inn-experienced people."

On a desk in a reception room:

"We shoot every 3rd salesman , and the 2nd one just left."

In a veterinarians waiting room:

"Be back in 5 minutes, Sit! Stay!"

At the electric company:

"We would be de-lighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't you will be."

On the door of a computer store:

"Out for a quick byte."

In a restaurant window:

"Don't stand there and be hungry, come on in and get fed up."

Inside a bowling alley:

"Please be quiet, we need to hear a pin drop."

In the front yard of a funeral home:

"Drive carefully, we'll wait."

In a counsellors office:

"Growing old is mandatory, growing wise is optional.

At a Santa Fe gas station:

"We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container."

In a New York restaurant:

"Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager."

On the wall of a Baltimore estate:

"Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. --Sisters of Mercy"

On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaners:

"38 years on the same spot."

In a Los Angeles dance hall:

"Good clean dancing every night but Sunday."

In a Florida maternity ward:

"No children allowed."

In a New York drugstore:

"We dispense with accuracy."

In the offices of a loan company:

"Ask about our plans for owning your home."

In a New York medical building:

"Mental Health Prevention Center"

On a New York convalescent home:

"For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church."

On a Maine shop:

"Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship."

At a number of military bases:

"Restricted to unauthorized personnel."

On a display of "I love you only" Valentine cards:

"Now available in multi-packs."

In the window of a Kentucky appliance store:

"Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work."

In a funeral parlor:

"Ask about our layaway plan."

In a clothing store:

"Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks."

In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store:

"15 men's wool suits, $10. They won't last an hour!"

On a shopping mall marquee:

"Archery Tournament -- Ears pierced"

Outside a country shop:

"We buy junk and sell antiques."

In the window of an Oregon store:

"Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here?"

In a Maine restaurant:

"Open 7 days a week and weekends."

On a radiator repair garage:

"Best place to take a leak."

In the vestry of a New England church:

"Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished."

In a Pennsylvania cemetery:

"Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves."

On a roller coaster:

"Watch your head."

On the grounds of a public school:

"No trespassing without permission."

On a Tennessee highway:

"When this sign is under water, this road is impassable."

Similarly, in front of a New Hampshire car wash:

"If you can't read this, it's time to wash your car."

And apparently, somewhere in England in an open field otherwise

untouched by human presence, there is a sign that says, "Do not throw stones at this sign."

A woman stopped by unannounced at her son's house. She knocked on the

door, then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her

daughter-in-law laying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was

playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for John to come home from work," the daughter-in-law

answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"John loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to

no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes

romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."

The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered,

put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, laid on

the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.

Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there

so provocatively. "What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.

"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?

Meaningful Men Sayings

"I'M GOING FISHING"

Means: "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

"IT'S A GUY THING"

Means: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"

Means: "Why isn't dinner already on the table?"

"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR..."

Means: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"

Means: "I have no idea how it works."

"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND."

Means: "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra."

"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU ARE WORKING TOO HARD."

Means: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."

Means: "Are you still talking?"

"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."

Means: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES."

Means: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

"OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL."

Means: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I am hurt."

"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING."

Means: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty good reasons soon."

"I CAN'T FIND IT."

Means: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"

Means: "What did you catch me at?"

"I HEARD YOU."

Means: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE"

Means: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."

Means: ""Please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving."

"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."

Means: "No one will ever see us alive again."

Examination

The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do.

When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."

"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."

"OK," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."

Andy & Eddie

One day Andy was rummaging through the collection of old

photos in the attic, when he came across one that he hadn't seen in years.

It was an old faded picture of his school chum, Eddie White. They'd run together for most

of their growing years, but the school system sent them to different Senior schools, and that

was the last they'd ever seen of each other.

Andy wondered how Eddie was doing, and for the days and

weeks that followed he just couldn't get Eddie out of his thoughts. He

explained the waves of nostalgia that kept rolling over him to his neighbor one day, and

his neighbor suggested that he take the time to look Eddie up.

It took him months and months of careful research, but finally he traced him to a

cotton mill in Manchester. His parents had moved to Manchester shortly after Andy

and Eddie had started Senior school, and that was why they'd never seen each other all

these years. Eddie had done well for himself.

Andy learned that he had worked his way up to chief cotton buyer for the mill, and so with great

anticipation Andy boarded the train to Manchester.

The following day, he went into the reception area of the mill and

asked the receptionist to inform Eddie that an old pal was waiting

downstairs to see him. The receptionist simply smiled, and Andy's heart

sank as she informed him that Mr. White had gone abroad to buy cotton for the mill,

and he wouldn't be back for at least four weeks. It was a tremendous disappointment,

but Andy said that he'd try again in four weeks.

And that was how it went on and on. Every time Andy went to the mill to see Eddie,

he was informed that he'd just left to buy cotton for the mill.

But one day, the receptionist took pity on him, and said to Andy, "Look, I've just spoken

to Mr. White's secretary, and she assures me that he is very eager to meet you again

after all these years, and that he'll definitely be in his office on the 18th of next month

to see you. And he made that a very firm promise. He'll not go anywhere that day to

buy cotton!"

So Andy had this assurance, the weeks went by, and the 18th came along.

On that morning, Andy walked into the reception area with a spring in his

step, when suddenly the receptionist's face told him that he'd be

disappointed yet again.

"But this is dreadful;" moaned Andy, "please don't tell me that he's gone

off to buy more cotton. Every time, it's the same old thing. 'Mr. White isn't here

right now. He's in Egypt buying cotton!'"

"Er, no," said the receptionist. "It's worse than that. You see, Mr. White

dropped dead in the car park the other day."

What?" cried Andy, "My friend Eddie, dead? I don't believe

what I'm hearing!" "I know how you must be feeling," sympathized the

receptionist, "but perhaps you'd like to see the monument that the company

set up over his grave. It's just across the road in that cemetery."

So Andy sadly dragged his tired feet over to the cemetery,

and walked up to the huge black marble monument that was erected over

Eddie's grave, and through his tears Andy began to read the magnificent gold

lettering carved on the front of the monument:

"Here lies Eddie White

Gone, but not for cotton."

Marriage Humor

Wife: 'What are you doing?'

Husband: Nothing.

Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'

Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.'

-------------------------------

Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'

Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'

Wife: 'Yes or no.'

--------------------------------------------------------

Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'

Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'

Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'

-----------------------------------------------------

A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'

'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'

------------------------------------------------------------

A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor!'

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Husbands are Husbands

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.

'What was that for?' the man asked.

The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'..

The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on' the wife apologized and went on with the housework..

Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.

Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.

Wife replied.. 'Your horse phoned'

oops

Ken,

Loved it !! Living it !!

Sonny

Confucius say:

"Man who run behind car get exhausted

and man who run in front of car get tired"

The federal government’s most valuable function is entertainment.

Never even remotely suggest to a woman that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

A penny saved is worthless.

The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

One factor uniting all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above-average drivers.

There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday, and that time is age 11.

There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

Nobody is normal.

At least once each year, some group of scientists will become excited and announce that:

• The universe is even bigger than they thought!

• There are even more subatomic particles than they guessed!

• Whatever they announced last year about global warming is wrong.

If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.

If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of its glories, and He decides to deliver a message to humanity, He will not use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.

You should not confuse your career with your life.

A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

No matter what happens, somebody will take it too seriously.

When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, this individual is crazy.

Your friends love you anyway.

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

Cat and Dog Diary

The American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft. After 1 year and $180,000, they concluded that the reason that the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.

After the US published the study, the French decided to do they're own study. After $250,000 and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.

Canadians, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After 2 weeks, a cost of around $75.46, and 2 cases of beer they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting himself in the forehead!

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates.

St. Peter checks his dossier and says,

"Ah, you're an engineer — you're in the wrong place."

So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in.

Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements.

After a while, they've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is becoming a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and asks with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies,

"Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.

" God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake — he should never have gotten down there; send him up here.

" Satan says, "No way! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him.

" God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue.

" Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah right.

And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer

Those were good!

Thanks.

An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the storm, when a wave came up and washed the old man overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find him, so the captain sent the old woman back to shore with the promise that he would notify her as soon as they found something.

Three weeks went by and finally the old woman got a fax from the boat. It read: 'Ma'am, sorry to inform you, we found your husband dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled him up to the deck and attached to his rear end was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 Please advise.'

The old woman faxed back: 'Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap.'

1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.

He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned

out to be an optical Aleutian .

3. She was only the moonshiner's daughter, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class,

because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other:

'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion..

20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine .

21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks

at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger..'

22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'

23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft.

Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?'

The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal:

transcend dental medication.

26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of

the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

Teacher: What does your father do for a living?

Student: He is a magician.

Teacher: what is his favorite trick?

Student: He cuts people in two.

Teacher: How many brothers and sisters do you have?

Student: One half-brother and one half-sister....