Sonny

An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the storm, when a wave came up and washed the old man overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find him, so the captain sent the old woman back to shore with the promise that he would notify her as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old woman got a fax from the boat. It read: 'Ma'am, sorry to inform you, we found your husband dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled him up to the deck and attached to his rear end was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 Please advise.' The old woman faxed back: 'Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap.'

1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi. 2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian . 3. She was only the moonshiner's daughter, but he loved her still. 4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption. 5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery. 6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering. 7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart. 8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie. 9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it. 10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. 11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. 12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.' 13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me. 14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.' 15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large. 16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran. 17. A backward poet writes inverse. 18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes. 19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.. 20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine . 21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger..' 22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!' 23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too. 24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.' 25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication. 26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

Teacher: What does your father do for a living? Student: He is a magician. Teacher: what is his favorite trick? Student: He cuts people in two. Teacher: How many brothers and sisters do you have? Student: One half-brother and one half-sister....

An elderly couple was in bed one night and the woman woke up from a bad dream. She was scared and panicking. Her husband awoke and turned the light on to calm her. He asked what was wrong. She said "I had a dream that I died and you got remarried." she asked him "if I died tomorrow would you get remarried?" he said "sure, I don’t want to spend the rest of my life lonely." then she asked "well would you two live in this house?" he replied "sure, we just got finished paying off our mortgage." she asked again, angry now "well would she sleep in this bed?" he snickered and said "yes, of course, this bed is brand new and expensive, there's no reason to rid of it. " she asked irately, "well would she use my golf clubs?" he replied with a straight, serious face "no. She's left handed."

The teacher wrote on the blackboard, “I ain’t had no fun all summer.†“Now Paul,†she said. “What shall I do to correct this?†“Get a boy friend.†Paul replied.

Two philosophers were sitting at a restaurant, discussing whether or not there was a difference between misfortune and disaster. “There is most certainly a difference,†said one. “If the cook suddenly died and we couldn’t have our dinner that would be a misfortune, but certainly not a disaster. On the other hand, if a cruise ship carrying the Congress was to sink in the middle of the ocean, now that would be a disaster, but by no stretch of the imagination would it be a misfortune

[quote...... Now the washrack!!!! I was getting ready to ask if anybody on the forum had any experience with that wonderful place. Now I know at least you did!! Every time I made it to the wash-rack with 56-0475, it was raining and cold out and I can honestly say I have no fond memories of that place!!! Ken

A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. Afterward, the doctor comes out with the results. "I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left." "Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "Give it to me straight, Doc. How long have I got?" "Ten," the doctor says sadly. "Ten?" the man asks "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!" "Nine..."

Here is a picture of 63-7872. I was the Assistant Crew Chief on her in 1966-67 at McGuire (438 OMS)

Three sisters, ages 92, 94, and 96, live together. One night the 96-year-0ld draws a bath. She puts one foot in and pauses. "Was I getting in the tub or out?" she yells. The 94-year-old hollers back, "I don't know, I'll come up to see." She starts up the stairs and stops. She shouts, "Was I going up or going down?" The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea, listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful", and knocks on wood for good measure. Then she yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

Only in America... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance. Only in America... are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink. Only in America... do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front. Only in America... do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke. Only in America... do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters. Only in America... do they leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage. Only in America... do they use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so they won't miss a call from someone they didn't want to talk to in the first place. Only in America... do they buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight. Only in America... do they use the word "politics" to describe the process so well; "Poli" in Latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "bloodsucking creatures". Only in America... do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering

A man shows up for his doctor's appointment with a piece of celery in each ear and a carrot in each of his nostrils. He says to the doctor, "Doc, I'm not feeling well." Whereupon the doctor replied, " Perhaps you're not eating right."

So there's this man with a parrot. And his parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. The trouble is that the guy who owns the parrot is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy. One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever. Then the guy gets mad and says, "That's it. I'll get you." and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of invective that would make a veteran sailor blush. At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds, there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly goes very quiet. At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door. The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on." The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot. Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"

CATHOLIC HORSES One day while he was at the track playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt, Mitch noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race. Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race. Before the next race, as the horses began lining up, Mitch watched with interest the old priest step onto the track. Sure enough, as the 5th race horses came to the starting gate the priest made a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses. Mitch made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race. Mitch collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest would bless for the 6th race. The priest again blessed a horse. Mitch bet big on it, and it won. Mitch was elated.. As the races continued the priest kept blessing long shot horses, and each one ended up coming in first. By and by, Mitch was pulling in some serious money. By the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on. True to his pattern, the priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day. Mitch also observed the priest blessing the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag. Mitch knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag. He then watched dumbfounded as the old nag come in dead last. Mitch, in a state of shock, made his way down to the track area where the priest was. Confronting the old priest he demanded, 'Father! What happened? All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed lost by a Kentucky mile. Now, thanks to you I've lost every cent of my savings -- all of it!'. The priest nodded wisely and with sympathy. 'Son,' he said, 'that's the problem with you Protestants, you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and last rites.'

A wife asks her husband: ''Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have eggs, get six.'' A short time later the husband comes back with six cartons of milk. The wife asks him: ''Why did you buy six cartons of milk?'' He replies: ''They had eggs.''

Never went to the other side of the base. Always stayed with my plane. Correction, Never went to the other side of the base when I came to CRB with my plane. Did go to the other side when I was TDY right after I reported to Naha. Lived in the hootches. The bunker was just off the flight line where the A's were parked. Sonny

Bill, To the best of my recollection, it was just off the edge of the flight line where they parked all the A's. Never went to the other side of the base, always slept on my plane to protect her from those midnight requisitioners. Once she was OR I awaited my flight crew and at night I closed all the doors and used tie down straps to keep them closed. Sonny

Here is a picture of a bunker just off the flight line at CRB. I took this picture in 1967. Sonny

Bob, Thanks, got mine, just a little slow letting you know. Sonny

Air Force Christmas Party TO: ALL SQUADRON MEMBERS I'm happy to inform you that the Squadron Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. There will be lots of spiked eggnog and a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our Commander shows up dressed as Santa Claus to light the Christmas tree! Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10. Merry Christmas to you and your family. Patty Lewis, Captain, USAF Executive Officer December 2nd TO: ALL SQUADRON MEMBERS In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish members. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday that often coincides with Christmas (though unfortunately not this year). However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to unit members who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols sung. Happy Holidays to you and your family. Patty Lewis, Captain, USAF Executive Officer December 3rd TO: ALL SQUADRON MEMBERS Regarding the anonymous note I received from a member in the Alcohol Rehabilitation Program requesting a non-drinking table, I'm happy to accommodate this request, but, don't forget, if I put a sign on the table that reads,"AA Only," you won't be anonymous anymore. In addition, forget about the gifts exchange-- no gifts will be allowed since the junior airmen in the squadron feel that $10 is too much money. Patty Lewis, Captain, USAF Executive Officer December 7th TO: ALL SQUADRON MEMBERS I've arranged for members who are enrolled in the Air Force Weight Management Program (AFWMP) to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with the gay men; each will have their table. Yes, there will be a flower arrangement for the gay men's table. Happy now? Patty Lewis, Captain, USAF Executive Officer December 9th TO: ALL SQUADRON MEMBERS People, people -- nothing sinister was intended by wanting our Commander to play Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit." Patty Lewis, Captain, USAF Executive Officer December 10th TO: ALL SQUADRON MEMBERS Vegetarians -- I've had it with you people!! We're going to hold this party at Luigi's Open Pit whether you like it or not, you can just sit at the table farthest from the "grill of death," as you put it, and you'll get salad bar only, including hydroponics tomatoes.. But, you know,tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them right now... Ha! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die, you hear me? The Witch from Hades December 14th TO: ALL SQUADRON MEMBERS I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Captain Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness. I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the Mental Health Clinic. In the meantime, I've decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off, instead. Happy Holidays! Ron Donaldson, Lt Col, USAF Commander

Bob, I would like a copy. Please send to Sonny.Cook@yahoo.com Thanks, Sonny

How to Interpret Performance Reports Some of you might like to know what supervisors are really saying in all those glowing employee work performance evaluations they keeps cranking out. AVERAGE: Not too bright. EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED: Has committed no major blunders to date. ACTIVE SOCIALLY: Drinks heavily. ZEALOUS ATTITUDE: Opinionated. CHARACTER ABOVE REPROACH: Still one step ahead of the law. UNLIMITED POTENTIAL: Will stick with us until retirement. QUICK THINKING: Offers plausible excuses for errors. TAKES PRIDE IN WORK: Conceited. TAKES ADVANTAGE OF EVERY OPPORTUNITY TO PROGRESS: Buys drinks for superiors. INDIFFERENT TO INSTRUCTION: Knows more than superiors. STERN DISCIPLINARIAN: A real jerk. TACTFUL IN DEALING WITH SUPERIORS: Knows when to keep mouth shut. APPROACHES DIFFICULT PROBLEMS WITH LOGIC: Finds someone else to do the job. A KEEN ANALYST: Thoroughly confused. NOT A DESK PERSON: Did not go to university. EXPRESSES SELF WELL: Can string two sentences together. SPENDS EXTRA HOURS ON THE JOB: Miserable home life. CONSCIENTIOUS AND CAREFUL: Scared. METICULOUS IN ATTENTION TO DETAIL: A nitpicker. DEMONSTRATES QUALITIES OF LEADERSHIP: Has a loud voice. JUDGMENT IS USUALLY SOUND: Lucky. MAINTAINS PROFESSIONAL ATTITUDE: A snob. KEEN SENSE OF HUMOR: Knows lots of dirty jokes. STRONG ADHERENCE TO PRINCIPLES: Stubborn. GETS ALONG EXTREMELY WELL WITH SUPERIORS AND SUBORDINATES ALIKE: A coward. SLIGHTLY BELOW AVERAGE: Stupid. OF GREAT VALUE TO THE ORGANIZATION: Turns in work on time. IS UNUSUALLY LOYAL: Wanted by no-one else. ALERT TO COMPANY DEVELOPMENTS: An office gossip. REQUIRES WORK-VALUE ATTITUDINAL READJUSTMENT: Lazy and hard-headed. HARD WORKER: Usually does it the hard way. ENJOYS JOB: Needs more to do. HAPPY: Paid too much. WELL ORGANIZED: Needs more to do. COMPETENT: Is still able to get work done if supervisor helps. CONSULTS WITH SUPERVISOR OFTEN: Pain in the arse. WILL GO FAR: Related to management. SHOULD GO FAR: Please. USES TIME EFFECTIVELY: Clock watcher. VERY CREATIVE: Finds 5 reasons to do anything except original work. USES RESOURCES WELL: Delegates everything. DESERVES PROMOTION: (or anything else - just get him or her away from me!).

Real Sergeants 1. Can cuss for ten minutes without ever repeating a word. 2. Have a spine. 3. Can play a cherry Lieutenant like a finely tuned instrument. 4. Can see in the Dark. 5. Have eyes in the back of their heads. 6. Still don't trust the Russians. 7. Still hate the French. 8. Don't know how to be politically correct. 9. Don't give a damn about being politically correct. 10. Think that "politically correct" should fall under S### in the UCMJ. 11. Love deployments because there is less paperwork and more "real work." 12. Can run 5 miles with a hangover. 13. Do not fear women in the military. 14. Would like to date G. I. Jane. 15. Still know how to use a buffer. 16. Can tell you anything you want to know about an M1911A1 although they are no longer in the inventory. 17. Believe that they do have a rendezvous with destiny. 18. Believe that "Nuts" wasn't all that Brigadier General McAuliffe said to the Germans at Bastogne. 19. Don't know how to use a "stress card". 20. Idolize John Wayne. 21. Don't believe that AAFES really needs a "commander". 22. Would have paid money to see Custer getting his clock cleaned. 23. Really don't like taking S### from those who haven't "been there". 24. Know how to properly construct a field latrine. 25. Might admire the Germans, but still realize they got their butts kicked. Twice. 26. Aren't afraid of the Chinese, who probably don't have enough rowboats to invade Taiwan. 27. Don't believe a darn thing the Iraqis say 28. Don't need a GPS to find themselves. 29. Have enough BDU's in their closet to start a surplus store. 30. Think that MRE's taste good (with a little hot sauce). 31. Are convinced that "wall-to-wall" counseling really works. 32. Have more time on the front-line than most others have in the chow line. 33. Know how to make coffee when the measuring scoop goes missing. 34. Know that it's not good coffee when you can see through it 35. Don't blame poor marksmanship on their M-16. 36. Know that inept leaders will always say they have inept soldiers.

Bill, I went to tech school at Chanute (Jet, Over Two Engines) and trained on B-52's. When I got to McGuire we kept going past all those nice looking C-135's and they dropped me off in front of this mole with wings and PROPS. I kept thinking there must be some mistake. I don't know anything about prop driven airplanes. Best thing that ever happened to me in the AF. Sonny

She was at McGuire in '65-'66 (1611th/438th). Sonny