Sonny

Muff, Happy Birthday. May you have a great one. Sonny

The New Alphabet A is for Apple, and B is for Boat, That used to be right, But now it won't float! Age before Beauty is what we once said, But let's be a bit more realistic instead. Now... A's for arthritis; B's the bad back, C is the chest pains, perhaps car-d-iac? D is for dental decay and decline, E is for eyesight, can't read that top line! F is for fissures and fluid retention, G is for gas which I'd rather not mention. H is high blood pressure--I'd rather it low; I for incisions with scars you can show. J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend, K is for knees that crack when they bend. L for libido, what happened to sex? M is for memory, I forget ! what comes next N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low; O is for osteo, the bones that don't grow! P for prescription's, I have quite a few, just give me a pill and I'll be good as new! Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu? R for reflux, one meal turns to two. S for sleepless nights, counting my fears, T for Tinnitus; there's bells in my ears! U is for urinary; big troubles with flow; V is for vertigo, that's "dizzy," you know. W is for worry, NOW what's going 'round? X is for X ray, and what might be found. Y is another year. I'm left here behind, Z is for zest that I still have-- in my mind. I've survived all the symptoms, my body's deployed, And I've kept twenty-six 'doctors' fully employed!!!

Three vampires walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them suspiciously, but decides to serve them anyway. "What’ll it be, boys?" The first vampire says "Blood. Give me blood." The second vampire says "I too wish for blood!" The third vampire says "Give me plasma." The Bartender smiles and says "Got it. Two bloods, and a blood-light."

Jeb and Jethro live in the hills, about 5 miles outside of town. Jeb asks Jethro to go in to town to pick up some lumber. Jethro walks the 5 miles to town to the local lumberyard. "Jeb says we're gonna need some 4 x 2's" Jethro tells the yardman. "Do you mean 2 x 4's?" asks the yardman. "Well, I don't rightly know, I better go ask Jeb" says Jethro and walks the 10 miles to the hills and back to town. "Jeb says we're gonna need 2 x 4's" Jethro tells the yardman. "Now, how many 2 x 4's will you need?" asks the yardman. "Well, I don't rightly know, I better go ask Jeb." says Jethro, and again walks the 10 miles to the hills and back to town. "Jeb says were gonna need about 40 of 'em" Jethro tells the yardman. "Now, how long will you need them?" asks the yardman. "Well, I don't rightly know, I better go ask Jeb" says Jethro and yet again walks the 10 miles to the hills and back to town. Upon returning Jethro says to the yardman, "Jeb says you better give 'em to us for a while . . . we're gonna build a barn."

Have you ever wondered Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin? Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed? Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"? Why is "abbreviated" such a long word? Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"? Why is it that to stop Windows, you have to click on "Start"? Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons? Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour? Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food? When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it? Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes? Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections? You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff? Why don't sheep shrink when it rains? Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together? If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress? If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

His pediatrician asked six-year-old Johnny, who watched a good many TV ads "Johnny, if you found a couple of dollars and had to spend them, what would you buy?†“A box of Tampax,†he replied without hesitation. “Tampax?†said the doctor. “What would you do with that?†“Well,†said Johnny, “I do not know exactly, but it’s sure worth two dollars. With Tampax, it says on TV, you can go swimming, go horseback riding, and also go skating, any time you want to.â€

A neurotic is the person who builds a castle in the air. A psychotic is the person who lives in it. And a psychiatrist is the person who collects the rent.

Agreed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is what marriage is really all about: He ordered one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. The old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them kept looking over and whispering. You could tell they were thinking, 'That poor old couple, all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.' As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said they were just fine, they were used to sharing everything. The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.' As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you're waiting for?' She answered "The teeth"

The judge frowned at the tired robber and said, “then you admit breaking into the same store on three successive nights?†â€Yes, your honor.†“And why was that?†said the judge “Because my wife wanted a dress.†The judge check with his records, “But it says here you broke in three nights in a row!†“Yes sir. She made me exchange it two times.â€

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to be eight again." she replied. On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her off to the local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, every thing there was. Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. On there way they journeyed to a McDonald's, where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to the movies: the latest Star Wars epic, an hot dog, popcorn, all the Coke she could drink, and her favorite lolly and M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, Well, Dear, what was it like being eight again?" Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "I meant my dress size!!!!!!!

Two drunks are walking along. One drunk says to the other, "What a beautiful night, look at the moon." The other drunk stops and looks at his drunken friend, "You are wrong. That's not the moon, that's the sun." Both started arguing for a while when they came upon another drunk walking, so they stopped him. "Sir, could you please help settle our argument? Tell us what that thing is up in the sky that's shining. Is it the moon or the sun?" The third drunk looked at the sky and then looked at them and said, "Sorry, I don't live around here."

One day, an employee received an unusually large check. She decided not to say anything about it. The following week, her check was for less that the normal amount, and she confronted her boss. “How come,†the supervisor inquired, “you didn’t say anything when you were overpaid?†Unperturbed, the employee replied, “Well, I can overlook one mistake – but not two in a row!â€

Thanks guys. Look forward to browsing around both of these sites.

A man with a wooden eye was very sensitive about his eye for fear of people making fun of him. One day this man decides to go out and have some fun. So, he goes to a bar and orders a beer. Then, out of the corner of his eye he sees a woman with a flat face. He thinks,†Well, she wouldn't make fun of me because she would understand how I feel." So, he finally gathers up the courage to talk to her, he goes over and asks her, “Would you like to have dinner with me sometime?" And the woman answers, “Would I!!!? The man, obviously offended, screams, "flat face!!!" and storms out of the bar.

This young man was elated when he turned eighteen in a state where curfew is 11:00 p.m. for any one under eighteen years of age. He told his Dad how happy he was that now he could stay out until 3:00 a.m. if he wanted. “Yes you can stay out as late as you want, but the car is under eighteen and it has to be in the garage by eleven.†His father said.

Love it.

A musical director was having a lot of trouble with one drummer. He talked and talked and talked with the drummer, but his performance simply didn't improve. Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said, "When a musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't improve when given help, they take away the instrument, and give him two sticks, and make him a drummer." A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section: "And if he can't handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor."

Not at all.

After getting all of the Pope's luggage loaded into the limo, the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb. 'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver, 'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?' 'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today.' 'I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! What if something should happen?' protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.. 'Who's going to tell?' says the Pope with a smile. Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 205 kms. 'Please slow down, Your Holiness!' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. 'Oh, dear God, I'm going to lose my license -- and my job!' moans the driver. The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, But the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio. 'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going 205 kph. 'So bust him,' says the Chief. 'I don't think we want to do that, he's really important,' said the cop. The Chief exclaimed,' All the more reason!' 'No, I mean really important,' said the cop with a bit of persistence. The Chief then asked, 'Who do you have there, the mayor?' Cop: 'Bigger.' Chief: ' A senator?' Cop: 'Bigger.' Chief: 'The Prime Minister?' Cop: 'Bigger.' 'Well,' said the Chief, 'who is it?' Cop: 'I think it's God!' The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, 'What makes you think it's God?' Cop: 'His chauffeur is the Pope!'

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner. The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?" "No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied. "Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked. "No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive." "Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked. "Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!" "Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked. "What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man. "Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife." The homeless man was astounded.. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting." The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and sex."....

Hey Bob, Happy Birthday. Hope it is all you want it to be. Thanks for all you do to help Casey make this the best C-130 site on the web. Sonny

A rich millionaire throws a massive party for his 50th birthday. During this party, he grabs the microphone and announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two great white sharks in it. "I will give anything of mine to the man who swims across that pool." So the party continues with no events in the pool until SUDDENLY, there is a great splash and all the guests of the party run to the pool to see what has happened. In the pool a man is swimming as hard as he can and fins come out of the water and jaws are snapping and this guy just keeps on going. The sharks are gaining on him and this guy reaches the end and gets out of the pool, tired and soaked. The millionaire grabs the microphone and says, "I am a man of my word. Anything of mine I will give: my Ferraris, my house, absolutely anything, for you are the bravest man I have ever seen. So sir what will it be?" The guy grabs the microphone and says, "Why don't we start with the name of the jerk who pushed me in!"

The Psychiatrist and the Proctologist Best friends graduating from medical school at the same time decided that in spite of two different specialties, they would open a practice together to share office space and personnel. Dr. Smith was the psychiatrist and Dr. Jones was the proctologist; they put up a sign reading: Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors. The town council was livid and insisted they change it. The docs changed it to read: Schizoids and Hemorrhoids. This was also not acceptable so they again changed the sign to read Catatonics and High Colonics - no go. Next they tried Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives - thumbs down again. Then came Minds and Behinds - still no good. Another attempt resulted in Lost Souls and Butt Holes - unacceptable again! So they tried Nuts and Butts - no way. Freaks and Cheeks - still no good. Loons and Moons - forget it. Almost at their wit's end, the docs finally came up with: Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones - Specializing in Odds and Ends.

Where do I send the money? [email protected]