Sonny's Funnies
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One of the neighbors is proud of her little boy’s scientific knowledge and likes to show him off in front of our bridge club. One afternoon she asked her poor man’s quiz kid: Bobby, what does it mean when steam comes out of the spout of the teakettle?†“It means,†said Bobby, “that you are going to open one of Daddy’s letters.†* * * * snowyday
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Thoughts for Today Birds of a feather flock together . . . .and then sh*t on your car. A penny saved is a government oversight. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement .. He who hesitates is probably right. Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame. The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble. Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 w…
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Two N. C. & St. L. brakemen were exchanging hunting experiences: Did I ever tell you about the spunky rabbits we had down home†said the first. “You could walk right up to one, thinking you could pick him up, and WHAM, he’d kick you so hard you’d think you’d tackled the rear end of a mule.†That’s nothing, compared with the spunk of the squirrels in my parts,†replied the second. “One day I shot a squirrel right in the mouth and knocked all his teeth out. Next day I was hunting on the same hill and came upon this same squirrel, and do you know what he was doing? Cracking hickory nuts with a rock.†* * * * snowyday
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Rodney: “And now doctor, since I’ve told you I am going to marry Jane, there’s something I want to get off my chest.†Doctor: “You just tell me about it, my boy.†Rodney: It’s a tattooed heart with the name Mabel on it. * * * * snowyday
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The school visitor was putting questions to a class of boys. He nodded to a little fellow with curly black hair. “Do you know the Ten Commandments?†he asked. “No sir,†said the boy. “What!†You don’t know the Ten Commandments? What’s your name?†“Moses,†said the boy. * * * * snowyday
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The Husband Store ... A store that sells new husbands has opened in Manchester, just off Elm Street where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates: You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs She is intrigue…
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Old Jackson is terribly tight. Someone ought to tell him he won’t be able to take it with him when he dies.’ “Listen, old man. If Jackson can’t take it with him, he won’t go!†* * * * snowyday
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An elderly couple had been experiencing declining memories, so they decided to take a power memory class where one is taught to remember things by association. A few days after the class, the old man was outside talking with his neighbor about how much the class helped him. "What was the name of the Instructor?" asked the neighbor. "Oh, ummmm, let's see," the old man pondered. "You know that flower, you know, the one that smells really nice but has those prickly thorns, what's that flower's name?" "A rose?" asked the neighbor. "Yes, that's it," replied the old man. He then turned toward his house and shouted, "Hey, Rose, what's the name of the Instructor we…
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Jones – How did old Joe lose the fingers of his right hand? Smith – He put them in the horse’s mouth to see how many teeth he had. Jones- And then what happened? Smith – The horse closed his mouth to see how many fingers Joe had. * * * * snowyday
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Electric Train A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks." The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language." Two hou…
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Hearing a crash on the platform, the agent dashed out. He was just in time to see the tail end of the train vanish from sight, while a very, disheveled young man lay flat on his face, surrounded by upset milk cans and the contents of his suitcase. “Was he trying to catch the train?†the agent asked a small boy. “He did catch it,†replied the lad cheerfully. “But it got away again!†* * * * snowyday
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Thanks to my friend Tom Talbert (from the old 35th TCS/TAS) for sending this to me. Teens have theirs, now seniors have their own texting codes (LOL OMG e.g.). I thought the following listing was appropriate ... after all the kids have all their little codes...like BFF, LOL, etc. So here are some codes for seniors: * ATD - At the Doctor's * BFF - Best Friends Funeral * BTW - Bring the Wheelchair * BYOT - Bring Your Own Teeth * CBM - Covered by Medicare * CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center * DWI - Driving While Incontinent * FWBB - Friend with Beta Blockers * FWIW - Forgot Where I Was * FYI -…
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In an Army hospital, a wounded soldier was cooking up a letter to his wife. A kind-hearted nurse was writing it down for him. “The nurses here,†he dictated, “are a very plain lot—“ “Oh, I say,†the angel of mercy interrupted. “Don’t you think that’s a little unfair?†The soldier grinned. “Yes, I do!†he fervently declared. “But, nurse, you can’t imagine how happy my wife will be when she reads it!†* * * * snowyday
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A man was reading a prepared address to a meeting of industrialists and he swung into his speech: “The average businessman is tired. He has worked long and diligent in difficult times and he is weary. He is physically and mentally exhausted. But he isn’t nearly as tired as the girls who have to type all this hogwash.†There came a long tense pause while a delighted audience began to yelp its appreciation. The speaker stared at his script in unbelief. “Why,†he blurted at last, “I never wrote anything like that!†* * * * snowyday
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A young Quaker woman was driving a brand new car down the street one day when at a crossing, a heavy truck without brakes collided with her, bending a fender, breaking a window and flattening the side of her car. The Quaker woman closed her eyes and counted slowly, remembering her upbringing. She then got out, walked over to the truck and said: “When thee gets home to thy kennel tonight, I hope thy mother bites thee.†* * * * snowyday
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In a Western mining town, the sheriff came upon a group of angry citizens about to hang a man to a tree near a gambling hall: “What’s going on here, boys?†“We’re going to string up this here Easterner.†Was the reply. “Catch him cheating at cards?†“No, sheriff.†“Steal somebody’s hoss?†“No, sheriff.†“Rustlin’ cattle, mebbe?†“No, sheriff.†“Well, thunderation, what did the feller do, then?†“Why, he said ‘eye-ther’ and ‘ny-ther.†“Oh, well,†said the sheriff, “come on boys; what are we waiting fer?†“Hang him.†* * * * snowyday
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Green: “What are you doing this evening?†White: “Celebrating my wife’s fifth anniversary.†Green: “Wedding anniversary?†White: “No, fifth anniversary of her fortieth birthday.†* * * * snowyday
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I knew a blonde that was so stupid that....... * she called me to get my phone number. * she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate." * she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind. *she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order. *she sent me a fax with a stamp on it. *she tried to drown a fish. *she thought a quarterback was a refund. *she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death. *she tripped over a cordless phone. *she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept. *she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store. *she studied for a blood test. *she tho…
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Jeb, accused of stealing chickens, was taken before the judge. His lawyer made such a stirring plea that Jeb was acquitted. Outside the courtroom his friend turned to him and asked, “Jeb, did you or didn’t you steal those chickens?†“Well,†replied Jeb, “to tell the truth I thought I did, but after hearing that there lawyer, I’m durned if I know whether I did or not.†* * * * snowyday
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An elderly lady driving along, nonchalantly, turned a corner and ran over a teen-aged youth crossing the street. Without change of expression the old lady pulled on the other side of the victim, rolled down her window and called. “Young man, you’d better look out.†Rising to one elbow the trembling youth exclaimed, “My gosh, lady, don’t tell me your gonna back up.†* * * * snowyday
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New Driver
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Junior had just received his brand new drivers license. To celebrate, the whole family trooped out to the driveway and climbed into the car for his inaugural drive. Dad immediately headed to the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver. "I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," said the beaming boy to his old man. "Nope," came dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit back here and kick the back of your seat while you drive, just like you have been doing to me for sixteen years."
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“If you get up earlier in the morning than your neighbor,†said the town philosopher, “and work harder and stick to your job more closely and stay up later planning how to make more money than your neighbor, and burn the midnight oil planning how to get ahead of him while he is snoozing, not only will you leave more money when you die than he will, but you’ll leave it a darn sight sooner.†* * * * snowyday
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A murder trial was in progress, and the whole case hung on the matter of time. Only one witness had seen the prisoner on the day in question, and he was the timid little man in the witness box. Counsel for the defense stood up, cleared his throat, and pointed his finger at the witness. “Now, think carefully,†he began. “Are you quite sure it was exactly a quarter to 9 when you met my client?†“Er – quite sure.†Replied the witness. “Remember,†went on counsel, sternly, “that a man’s life depends on your being right. It was a lonely road, there were no clocks about, you admit you hadn’t a watch, yet you remember the time exactly. Tel…
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“What did you come to college for, anyway?†demanded the disgusted professor. “You are not doing any studying.†“Well,†replied the student. “Mother says it’s to fit me for the presidency of the United States. Uncle Jim says it’s to sow my wild oats. Sister Helen says it’s to get a chum for her to marry. And Dad says it’s to bankrupt the family.†* * * * snowyday
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A motorist whose car broke down one night on a lonely road in Northern Ireland found humble but hospitable accommodation in a small croft nearby. Next morning his breakfast consisted mainly of a large bowl of porridge. During the meal he was astonished to find himself rather popular with a small pig, which nuzzled against his legs in a most affectionate and persistent manner. At last he remarked to his host: “Your pig seems to have taken a great liking to me. I didn’t know a pig could be so affectionate.†“Oh, it’s not you it likes,†was the Irishman’s reply. “It’s just that you’re using his bowl.†* * * * snowyday
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