Sonny's Funnies
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Yogi Berra Quotes Anyone who is popular is bound to be disliked. If you don't know where you're going, chances are you will end up somewhere else. (When bumped by a man carrying a grandfather clock) Why can't you wear a watch like everybody else? I really didn't say everything I said. If you ask me a question I don't know, I'm not going to answer. It ain't the heat; it's the humility. It's deja-vu all over again. You should always go to other people's funerals. Otherwise they won't come to yours. The only reason I need these gloves is 'cause of my hands. You can't think and hit at the same time. If the world were perfect, it wouldn't be. …
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Yogi Berra Quotes #2 He always spoke his mind. How long have you known me, Jack? And you still don't know how to spell my name. (Upon receiving a check from Jack Buck made out to "Bearer".) I'd say he's done more than that. (When asked if first baseman Don Mattingly had exceeded expectations for the current season.) He can run anytime he wants. I'm giving him the red light. (On the acquisition of Rickey Henderson.) I knew exactly where it was, I just couldn't find it. If you don't know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else. You've got to be very careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there. The towels w…
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A woman called the airline customer-service desk asking if she could take her dog on board. “Sure,as long as you provide your own kennel.” The Customer Service Rep further explained that the kennel needed to be large enough for the dog to stand up, sit down, turn around, and roll over. The customer was flummoxed: “I’ll never be able to teach him all of that by tomorrow!”
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A man was passing a bar when a figure hurtled out of the door and landed in the gutter. A small fellow picked himself up and said angrily to the passerby: “They think they can get away with that! I’ll throw every one of them out.†“You stay here and count ‘em.†In went the little man. A moment later a body landed in the gutter. “One, “counted the passer-by. “No, it’s me again,†said the little man. * * * * snowyday
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You Guessed It! More Ponderings: How come you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead? Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations? You know how most packages say "Open here".What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"? Since Americans throw rice at weddings do orientals throw hamburgers? Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts? Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together? Why do people without out a watch look at their wrist when you ask them what time it is? Why do you ask someone without a…
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You Guessed It! More Ponderings: How come you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead? Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations? You know how most packages say "Open here".What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"? Since Americans throw rice at weddings do orientals throw hamburgers? Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts? Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together? Why do people without out a watch look at their wrist when you ask them what tim…
Last reply by Sonny, -
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You Know You're Getting Old When... You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it. You can live without sex, but not without glasses. Your back goes out more than you do. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room. You buy a compass for the dash of your car. You are proud of your lawn mower. Your best friend is dating someone half their age... And isn't breaking any laws. Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper. You sing along with the elevator music. You would rather go to work than stay home sick. You enjoy hearing about other peo…
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You know you're getting old... ________________________________________ 1. You and your teeth don't sleep together. 2. Your try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren't wearing any. 3. At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and you're not eating cereal. 4. Your back goes out but you stay home. 5. When you wake up looking like your driver's license picture. 6. It takes two tries to get up from the couch. 7. When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio. 8. When happy hour is a nap. 9. When you're on vacation and your ENERGY runs out before your money does. 10. When you say something to your kids t…
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You automatically double-knot everything you tie. You find yourself humming the Barney song as you do the dishes. You hear a baby cry in the grocery store, and you start to gently sway back and forth, back and forth. However, your children are at school! You actually start to like the smell of strained carrots mixed with applesauce. You weep through the scene in Dumbo when his mom is taken away, not to mention what Bambi does to you. You get soooo into crafts you contemplate writing a book called 101 Fun Crafts to do with Dryer Lint and Eggshells. You spend a half hour searching for your sunglasses only to have your teenager say, "Mom, why do…
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You Might Be A Redneck If: None of your shirts cover your stomach. You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment. You judge drive time solely by the number of beers you need to take. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk. You believe dual air bags refer to your wife and mother-in-law. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off it's wheels. You go to your family reunion looking for a date. You own a homemade fur coat. The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on ho…
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You Work For The Government If... 1. You work for an acronym, on an acronym, and your job title is an acronym. 2. You can name the project leader of more than 10 projects including your own, but still can't explain in the simplest terms what they do. 3. The process becomes more important than the product. 4. You've sat at the same desk for 3 years, done the same thing for 3 years, but have had 3 different business cards. 5. You don't see anything wrong with attending a meeting on a subject you know nothing about. 6. You feel you contributed to the meeting just by being there. 7. You realize that a paperless…
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You Work for the Government if... 1. You work for an acronym, on an acronym, and your job title is an acronym. 2. You can name the project leader of more than 10 projects including your own, but still can't explain in the simplest terms what they do. 3. The process becomes more important than the product. 4. You've sat at the same desk for 3 years, done the same thing for 3 years, but have had 3 different business cards. 5. You don't see anything wrong with attending a meeting on a subject you know nothing about. 6. You feel you contributed to the meeting just by being there. 7. You realize that a paperless office…
Last reply by Sonny, -
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I JUST KNEW I WAS IN BIG TROUBLE AT WORK WHEN... ...the new policy on sexual harassment included a photo of me. ...the Security guard made a complete inventory of my work area. ...my assistant began responding to my memos with, "Yeah, whatever." ...I got a "It's for you loser" wav receiving e-mail, & not a chime. ...my new Pentium was replaced with an 386sx-16 last weekend. ...the Human Resources Dept requested an update of my arrest record. ...the Boss asked if I still had a copy of my 5 year contract. ...I noticed co-workers measuring my office when I arrived at work. ...my parking spot was relocated next to the dumpster. ...my secretar…
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The young man wrapped his arms around the pretty girl. “My darling,’ he breathed “you’re all the world to me. I don’t know what I’d do without you. I love----- At that moment, the doorbell rang. The girl jumped up. It’s my fiancé,†she gasped. “You must leave at once. Oh, hurry.†The young man looked around nervously. “But how am I going to leave?†he asked anxiously. “I can’t go out by the door. Your fiancé would see me.†The girl thought quickly. “Jump out of the window,†she advised. “But we’re on the thirteenth floor.†The girl stamped her foot. “So what?†she rasped. “At this stage are you goi…
Last reply by snowyday, -
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The young attorney was browbeating the elderly witness cruelly, and the old gentleman was showing his resentment by a stubborn reluctance to answer the questions that were being put to him. “Tell me, how old are you?†the lawyer demanded. Seventy-two,†the witness replied, after some hesitation. “Your memory,†the lawyer insinuated, “is not so acute and brilliant as it once was—say ten years ago—is it?†“I do not know but it is,†was the reply. “Very well,†challenged the attorney. “Tell something that happened ten years ago.†“Do I have to do that?†the witness appealed to the judge. “You had better answer the question,â…
Last reply by snowyday, -
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A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. "Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work for me?" "Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button. "Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO. As his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy..."
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A young couple joined a new church and the pastor told them, "We require all new member couples to abstain from sex for one whole month." The couple agreed, but after two weeks returned to see the pastor. The wife was crying and the husband was obviously depressed. 'You are back so soon, is there a problem?' inquired the pastor. 'We did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month,' the young man replied sadly. "The first week we managed to abstain through sheer will power. The second week was terrible and as we began the third week we were powerless." The pastor asked what happened. The young man replied, "My wife reached for a can of p…
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The youthful mountaineer from Kentucky was serving his first week in the Army. He walked out of the barracks and came face to face with his commanding officer. “Mawnin’, mister, he said in greeting. The C.O. halted him, and then proceeded to take him to task for not saluting. “Land sakes,†the youngster said when the lecture was finished. “If I’d knowed you was gonna carry on so, I wouldn’t a spoke a-tall.†1946 * * * Snowyday
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The husband was 50 and his wife around 45 when he became critically ill. He died a few weeks later and his body was taken to a neighborhood funeral home along with the list of pallbearers the widow wanted. The funeral director looked at the list and said, “I knew your husband very well. He had a lot of friends about his age and I feel sure he would have liked to have some of them carry his casket. All the names on this list are young men in their twenties. “I know,†the widow said. “I am aware of all this but I must start thinking of myself. I expect to get married again and I don’t want to waste any time looking over the crop of eligible men.†A…
Last reply by snowyday, -
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A woman burst out of the examining room screaming after her young physician tells her she is pregnant. The director of the clinic stopped her and asked what the problem was. After she tells him what happened, the doctors had her sit down and relax in another room and he marched down the hallway where the woman’s physician was and demanded, “What is wrong with you? Mrs Miller is 60 years old, has six grown children and nine grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?†The young physician continued to write his notes and without looking up at his superior, asked, “Does she still have the hiccups?â€
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A young preacher was contacted by the local funeral director to hold a grave-side committal service at a small local cemetery for someone with no family or friends. The preacher started early but quickly got himself lost, making several wrong turns. He arrived a half-hour late, the hearse was nowhere in sight, and the workmen were eating lunch. The pastor went to the open grave and found the vault lid already in place. Taking out his book, he read the service. As he was returning to his car, he overheard one of the workmen say: "Think we should tell him it's a septic tank?"
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A young man had been in the witness box a long while, bearing as best he could with the nagging and prodding of a flippant barrister, who aimed shifts of wit mercilessly at the unfortunate youth. “So,†exclaimed the barrister, sarcastically, “you really do not believe that you could rout an army of Philistines with the jawbone of an ass?†“Well,†replied the exasperated youth. “I might have a try with that jawbone when you’re done with it.†* * *
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One dark night, not long ago a certain eminent Chicago attorney found himself standing at the wrong end of an incredibly large pistol. He was shocked to recognize the thug who was holding him up. “Look here†he protested, “Don’t you know me? I’m your benefactor. Don’t you recall I once saved you from the electric chair by proving you were crazy?†The thug laughed heartily and playfully prodded his victim in the ribs with his revolver. “Sure, I remember you!†he guffawed. “And ain’t holding up your benefactor a crazy thing to do?†* * * * snowyday
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Ted Sorenson, aide to Senator Kennedy, told a Winthrop audience of the college quarterback who called play number 13 that put over a winning touchdown. When the coach inquired what prompted this play, the quarterback replied, “I saw No. 5 on the jersey of the guard, No. 7 on the tackle, added them and got 13.†“But 7 and 5 make 12,†protested the coach. “Gee, coach,†said the quarterback, “if I had your education, we’d of lost the game.†-1958- * * *
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Last reply by Fräulein,