Sonny's Funnies
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A woman missionary in China took tea with a Mandarin’s eight wives. Her clothes, hair and teeth interested them, but her feet amazed them. “Why,†cried one, “you can walk or run as well as a man.†“Yes, to be sure,†said the missionary. “Can you ride a horse and swim too?†“Yes.†“Then you must be as strong as a man.†“I am.†“And you wouldn’t let a man beat you – not even if he was your husband – would you?†“Indeed I wouldn’t.†The oldest of the wives said softly. “Now I understand why the foreign devil never has more than one wife. He is afraid.†* * * * snowyday
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Tony was drafted and sent overseas. One day, because of his awkwardness, he was being kidded by his lieutenant. “What did you do before you joined upâ€â€ asked the officer. “I playa da music, and da monkey collect da money.†“Why did you join the Army then?†“I no join. I was drafted>†“And what became of your monkey?†“Oh, dey make a lieutenant out of him.†* * * * snowyday
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A northern visitor pausing at a country store in the Tennessee mountains was greeted by a grizzled native with a pleasant “Howdy,†and passed the time of day with the old gentleman on the most agreeable terms. The traveler was considerably taken aback when he happened to glance down at the native’s feet and discovered they were unshod. “Tell me,†he inquired, ‘is it the custom of this section to go bare-footed?†“Waal,†the old man drawled, “some of us wear shoes, but all of us tend to our own business.†* * * * snowyday
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A tramp knocked at the back door of an inn called “George and the Dragon.†When the landlady opened the door, the tramp asked, “Can you spare a poor man a bite to eat?†“No!†screamed the woman and slammed the door in his face. After a few minutes the tramp knocked again, and the same woman opened the door. “Now,†asked the tramp, “could I have a few words with George?†* * * * snowyday
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Two Boilermakers at the railroad shops were cutting out rusted steam heat bolts. One held the long chisel while the other swung a 20-pound maul. But they couldn’t get their signals straight. When the fellow with the chisel was ready for the blow, the fellow with the sledge-hammer wasn’t, and vice versa. Finally they were hailed by the irate voice of the foreman. “When are you guys gonna’ get that job done? This engine’s gotta get out of here.†The two dolts hastily renewed their efforts. “Look, said the chisel-holder, I’ll get the chisel set, and when I do, I’ll shake my head. When I shake my head, you hit it!†The h…
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The history of press agentry presents one of its classic studies in futility in Bill Pine’s adventure with the fifty parrots. Bill, who had long been one of Hollywood’s most potent publicists, conceived the idea of training half a hundred of the talkative birds to repeat the title of Mae West’s newest film, “It Ain’t No Sin.†His plan was to dispatch the parrots to the larger American cities, where they could enliven interest in the picture by screaming the words to the natives. The drilling consumed many days of painful, nerve-wracking labor, but at last was accomplished. On the day before the picture’s scheduled release, Bill Pine went in …
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A naval strategist of the highest order, Adm. Chester W. Nimitz, is likewise a supremely wise student of feminine psychology. When the Breakers Hotel at Waikiki was opened as a recreation center for enlisted men, the Admiral put in an appearance, and permitted himself to be photographed dancing with an exceedingly comely brunette. A few days later the picture was offered for his inspection and he readily and cheerfully approved it, for publicity purposes. But, at the same time, he said, “I’ll take one, if you don’t mind.†The Admiral then wrote a brief communication, slipped it into an envelope along with the photograph and said to an assistant.  
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An Irishman entered a barber shop for a shave. After he was seated and the lather was being applied, the barber was called to the adjoining room, where he was detained. The barber had in the shop a pet monkey which caused amusement by imitating its master. As soon as the barber had left the room the monkey seized the shaving brush. Dipped it in the lather and proceeded to apply it to the Irishman’s face. When that operation was finished to the monkey’s satisfaction, the little animal picked up a razor, and, after stropping it, turned to Pat to shave him. “Stop that!†cried Pat firmly, sitting erect. “Ye can tuck the towel in my neck, and p…
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from 1949 “Hey, you! Pull over,†shouted the traffic cop. The lady complied, and the judge next day fined her $25. She went home in great anxiety, lest her husband, who always examined her check book, should learn of the incident. Then inspiration struck, and she marked the check stub: “One pull-over, $25.†* * * * snowyday
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A commercial traveler decided that he would spend a week-end at home. He sent a telegram to his wife and took the next train. On his arrival home he found his wife in the embrace of another man. Furious, he left the house, took a room at the local hotel, and announced that he would apply for a divorce. The next day his father-in-law called to try to smooth things over. “I’m quite sure my daughter has and explanation for her behavior,†he said. “Look here, will you wait until tomorrow before you do anything about the divorce?†Reluctantly the husband agreed. On the morrow his father-in-law was back again, beaming. “I knew Dorothy would have an…
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When Alonzo Stagg was one of the country’s outstanding football coaches, he kept substitutes on the bench constantly alert by suddenly popping questions at them while a game was in progress. One afternoon he turned to a fourth-string sub who had played the role of human tackling dummy in practice all season, but had failed to get into a single game, and demanded: “You Cartmell – What would you do if we had possession of the ball, one minute to play, the score nothing-to-nothing, and we had only 4 yards to go for a touchdown?†“Gee, coach,†stammered the substitute. “I’d slide down to the end of the bench, so I could see better.†* * * * snow…
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A young man was serving for the first time as usher at a fashionable church and his self-consciousness amounted to a bad case of stage fright. As a result of his nervousness some mistakes were made. Among others, a wealthy old lady marched down the aisle unaccompanied and seated herself inadvertently one row in front of her usual position. The perspiring young usher tiptoed up to her and whispered hoarsely: “Rardon me, padam, you are occupewing the wrong pie. May I sew you to another sheet?†* * * * snowyday
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One dark night, not long ago a certain eminent Chicago attorney found himself standing at the wrong end of an incredibly large pistol. He was shocked to recognize the thug who was holding him up. “Look here†he protested, “Don’t you know me? I’m your benefactor. Don’t you recall I once saved you from the electric chair by proving you were crazy?†The thug laughed heartily and playfully prodded his victim in the ribs with his revolver. “Sure, I remember you!†he guffawed. “And ain’t holding up your benefactor a crazy thing to do?†* * * * snowyday
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Many years ago, an alleged horse thief was brought up for trial in a rough and tumble Western frontier town. Before the proceedings began, the judge gave the usual instructions to the jury. “Ladies and gentleman, this here is a democratic country, and this feller is supposed to get a fair trial. You’ll have to listen to the testimony and decide the verdict, guilty of not guilty. But remember one thing. There’s somebody bigger’n you or me. There’s a Divine Justice, above and beyond this court-room, an Eternal Providence lookin’ down here, and He ain’t gonna be took in by no lyin’ hoss thief.†* * * * Snowyday
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Judge: “Amos, I cannot conceive of a meaner, more cowardly act than yours running away from your wife.†Amos: If you knowed dat lady as I does, you wouldn’t call me no deserter, Ah am a refugee—that’s what I am.†* * * * snowyday
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A man telephoned a hardware store to order a scythe. “Size?†asked the assistant who took the call. “Not size,†the man replied “Scythe.†“Yes, yes, I can hear you,†said the salesman. “What size?†“No, no, no,†the customer yelled. “Not size, but scythe—S C Y T H E. You know what a scythe is, don’t you? A grass cutter.†The next day a delivery man appeared at the customer’s house with a glass cutter. * * * * snowyday
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The Willoughbys, who lived in Chicago, had a new housekeeper. She wasn’t very bright, but she was a splendid cook. So the Willoughbys didn’t care whether she was smart or not. One night at dinnertime, the telephone rang, and the new housekeeper hurried to answer. She listened and laughed and said: “It certainly is!†and hung up. A few seconds later the phone rang again. The new housekeeper answered it, listened, laughed and said: “It certainly is!†and hung up again. “For goodness sake,†bellowed Mr. Willoughby. “What’s going on?†“Silliest darned thing,†answered the new housekeeper. “Some joker keeps calling up just…
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One summer I boarded with a farm family in the mountains of North Carolina. The women folks in the house traded at a small country store run by a native of those parts, and always bought a certain kind of thread for crocheting. When I went to purchase some one day, he remarked that he was all out of it. “Aren’t you going to carry it anymore?†I asked him. “Nope,†he said, “people worried me too much coming after it.†* * * * snowyday
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It was the ship’s concert, and the song was “Asleep In The Deep.†The singer had got well and truly deep when an awed voice from the back of the hall was heard: “Throw out a depth charge, guv’nor, and bring him to the surface.†* * * * snowyday
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Elmer, 13 years old, was puzzled over the girl problem and talked it over with his pal, Pete. “I’ve walked to school with her three times,†he told Pete, “and carried her books. I bought her ice cream sodas twice. Now, do you think I ought to kiss her?†“Naw, you don’t need to,†Pete decided after thinking a moment. “You’ve done enough for that gal already.†* * * * snowyday
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Asked where her husband might be found, his wife replied that he had gone fishing. “Just walk down to the bridge,†she suggested caustically, “and look around until you find a rod with a worm on each end. * * * snowyday
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A routine check-up disclosed nothing serious so the puzzled medico began to ask questions: “Do you smoke?†“Oh, no,†said the patient. “Do you drink?†was the next question. “Certainly not,†the patient answered. “Rum holds no temptation for me. I believe firmly in prohibition.†“Well, then,†tried the doctor, “have you ever kissed a girl?†“No,†was the reply. “And I never shall until I am legally married.†The doctor thought a minute and then asked: “Do you happen to have any pains in the front of your head?†“Yes, doctor, and in the back of my head, too,†came the response. “That explains it,†said the …
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Laurence F. Whittemore, the pulp company executive and famous New England story teller, recently told the Advertising Club of Boston about the New Hampshire farmer who had a quarrel with his wife at breakfast. Disgruntled and angry, he spent the day up in the back lot cutting wood. As night came, he was reluctant to go home, knowing that his wife was ready to give him another scolding. But he finally started back to the house. As he came over the brow of the hill and looked down he saw his wife, armed with a broom, trying to chase a skunk away from the woodshed. With a smile, he sat down on the hillside and lighted his pipe. “I’m going to enj…
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Entering a lawyer’s office, in a small “Tennessee†town, a buxom wife from the hills said: “I ain’t a complaining woman, Mr. Smith, but my husband ain’t doin’ rite. When one of our mules died, he hitched me up with the other one to a plow.†“Why, that’s inhuman!†declared the lawyer. “Do you want a divorce?†“Nope,†she answered. “But I’ve about worked that skinny old mule to death, and he ought to have a rest.†* * * * snowyday
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A certain well-known gambler failed to pay a large note when it became due and, in consequence, the loan shark who had it waxed highly indignant and berated the debtor in bitter and extremely uncomplimentary terms. Whereupon the gambler, greatly insulted, poked a pistol in the lender’s ribs and barked: “Eat that note, you lily-livered dollar grabber.†With some difficulty, the money lender chewed up the document and swallowed it. A few weeks later, to his utter amazement and delight, the gambler fell into a highly profitable run of luck, and paid off the obligation in full. A little later the gambler came to the money lender and applied for a…
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