Sonny's Funnies
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Deductions
by Sonny- 0 replies
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The owner of a small deli was being questioned by an IRS agent about his tax return. He had reported a net profit of $80,000 for the year. "Why don't you people leave me alone?" the deli owner said. "I work like a dog, everyone in my family helps out, the place is only closed three days a year...and you want to know how I made $80,000?" "It's not your income that bothers us," the agent said. "It's these deductions. You listed six trips to Bermuda for you and your wife." "Oh, that," the owner said smiling. "Didn't I mention? We deliver anywhere.
Last reply by Sonny, -
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The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win. Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away. KABOOM! He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney. KA-BLOOEY! Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph. BULLS-EYE! …
Last reply by Sparks, -
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An asylum patient who had been certified cured was saying goodbye to the director of the institution. “And what are you going to do when you go out into the world?†asked the director. “Well,†said the patient. “I have passed my bar examinations so I may practice law. I have also had quite a bit of experience in college dramatics, so I may become an actor.†He paused for a moment, deep in thought. “Then on the other hand,†he continued. “I may be a teakettle.†* * * * snowyday
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A missionary was preaching on one of the remote Pacific Islands, when he was captured by a skeptical cannibal chief. To his astonishment, he was not eaten, but allowed to go free, on condition that he carry a small sealed packet to a neighboring mountain chief. So grateful was the missionary that, when he encountered a detachment of English sailors he refused to accompany them to safer territory. He vowed that he would deliver the sealed packet as he had promised. But the commander of the English ship, being a man of action, asked to see the packet. When it was shown to him, without so much as a “by your leave,†he opened it. It contained some f…
Last reply by snowyday, -
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George Bernard Shaw was having luncheon in a London restaurant one day when an orchestra struck up a particularly noisy tune. Without intermission, the orchestra followed it up with another. Shaw called the head waiter and asked, “Does the orchestra play requests?†“Yes, sir,†the man replied. “Is there something you would like them to play?†“There is,†replied Shaw. “ask them to play dominoes until I have finished eating.†* * * * snowyday
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The great liner was laboring in a heavy sea, but the captain assured his passengers that there was really no great danger. But one mousy little fellow persisted in inquiring again and again. “Are you sure we’re not going to sink, captain?†At last the captain lost his temper and demanded. “What are you – a coward?†“Not at all,†the little man assured him. “I’m not the least bit afraid.†“Then,†said the captain, “you must want to tell your friend good-bye before we go down.†“No, no, it’s not that!†the mousy little passenger protested. “Then, in Heaven’s name, why do you ask me every five minutes if we’re going t…
Last reply by snowyday, -
A man walks into a bar, sits down and immediately hears a little voice that says, "Nice tie". He looks around and then hears, "Nice shirt". The man, now getting flustered, asks the bartender, "What's that voice?". Bartender replies, "Oh that's just the peanuts. They're complimentary".
Last reply by Sonny, -
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I had the toughest time of my life. First, I got angina pectoris and then arteriosclerosis. Just as I was recovering from these, I got tuberculosis, double pneumonia and phthisis. Then they gave me hypodermics. Appendicitis was followed by tonsillectomy. These gave way to aphasia and hypertrophic cirrhosis. I completely lost my memory for a while. I know I had diabetes and acute ingestion, besides gastritis, rheumatism, lumbago and neuritis... I don't know how I pulled through it. It was the hardest spelling test I've ever had.
Last reply by Sonny, -
It was a sunny Saturday morning on the course and I was beginning my pre-shot routine, visualizing my upcoming shot, when a voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker. "Would the gentleman on the woman's tee back up to the men's tee please!!" I was still deep in my routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption. Again the announcement, "Would the MAN on the WOMEN'S tee kindly back up to the men's tee." I simply ignored the guy and kept concentrating, when once more, the man yelled: "Would the man on the woman's tee back up to the men's tee, PLEASE! I finally stopped, turned, looked through the clubhouse window directly at the person with the mic and shouted …
Last reply by Sonny, -
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Things You Would NEVER Hear A Redneck Say: "I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex" Duct tape won't fix that. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken. We don't keep firearms in this house. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer? You can't feed that to the dog. I thought Graceland was tacky. No kids in the back of the pick-up, it's not safe. Wrasslin's fake. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace? We're vegetarians. Do you think my hair is too big? I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy. Honey, do these bonsai trees need watering? Who's Richard Petty? Give me the small bag of pork rinds. Deer heads detract from the d…
Last reply by Sonny, -
The Butcher
by Sonny- 1 reply
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There was this Asian lady married to an English gentleman and they lived in London. The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but managed to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries. One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy pork legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. The butcher got the message and the lady went home with pork legs. The next day, she needed to get chicken breasts. Again, she didn't know how to say, and so she unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breast. The lady got what she wanted. The 3rd da…
Last reply by donwon, -
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Homographs are words of like spelling but with more than one meaning. A homograph that is also pronounced differently is a heteronym. 1) The bandage was wound around the wound. 2) The farm was used to produce produce . 3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse . 4) We must polish the Polish furniture… 5) He could lead if he would get the lead out. 6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.. 7) Since there is no time like the present , he thought it was time to present the present .. 8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.…
Last reply by Sonny, -
A wife asks her husband: ''Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have eggs, get six.'' A short time later the husband comes back with six cartons of milk. The wife asks him: ''Why did you buy six cartons of milk?'' He replies: ''They had eggs.''
Last reply by C130Hcc, -
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Why the Internet Is Like a Vagina: If you play with it too much you can go blind. You wouldn't believe the things people put in there! Some people think they know how to move around in it, but they really can't interface. In the long-distant past, its only purpose was to receive information considered vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it for fun most of the time. The more people use it the bigger it gets. It has no conscience and no memory. Left to its own devices, it will just do the same dumb things it did before. It provides a way to interact with other peopl…
Last reply by Sonny, -
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Dallas, Texas – A local man, arrested for refusing to report to his draft board, said. “Too many people are getting killed in the Army.†1951 “I’ve just received by first-class mail, Your lovely formal greeting, But better judgment must prevail And I can't keep that meeting. “A soldier boy I cannot be, An airman, or a ranger. The way I hear it there must be Just too doggoned much danger. * * *
Last reply by snowyday, -
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A man was telling friends how first-aid classes had prepared him for an emergency. 'I saw a woman hit by a car,' he said. 'She had a broken arm, a twisted knee and a skull fracture.' 'How horrible! What did you do?' 'Thanks to my first-aid training I knew just how to handle it. I sat on the curb and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting.'
Last reply by Sonny, -
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A motorist, who had a 50 gallon tank of gasoline in reserve when rationing was introduced, consulted a friend as to what to do about it. “Bury it, my dear fellow,†was the reply. Accordingly, he gave his gardener instructions next day to dig a hole for it in a secluded spot. After a time the gardener returned. “I’ve buried the gas,†he said. “What do you want done with the tank?†* * * *
Last reply by snowyday, -
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A young Quaker woman was driving a brand new car down the street one day when at a crossing, a heavy truck without brakes collided with her, bending a fender, breaking a window and flattening the side of her car. The Quaker woman closed her eyes and counted slowly, remembering her upbringing. She then got out, walked over to the truck and said: “When thee gets home to thy kennel tonight, I hope thy mother bites thee.†* * * * snowyday
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“The other evening I was at Brown’s house and Brown—you know how absent-minded he is—put the lighted end of a cigar in his mouth. He jumped three feet rolled on the floor and was very noisy about it. In the middle of it all, Mrs. Brown, smiling sweetly, said: “How fortunate you were, dear, to discover it so soon. * * * * snowyday
Last reply by snowyday, -
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Alligator shoes.... After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young blonde declared, 'Well, then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes for free!' The shopkeeper replied with a sly smile, 'Well, little lady, why don't you go give it a try?' The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, and spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand. He saw a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the blond took aim, shot the creature and ha…
Last reply by Sonny, -
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My cousin was one of the first to enlist in the WAVES. Soon after arrival at boot camp her contingent was herded into a long narrow building that had only two doors – one at each end. The rear door led to the dispensary where a doctor was to give the newcomers their physical examinations. Stripped to the skin, and embarrassed beyond words, the girls waited. Suddenly the dispensary door opened. Through it a seasoned pharmacist’s mate thrust his head and, without showing any signs of indecision, sang out. “Close your eyes, girls, I’m coming through!†* * * * From a 1949 Newspaper snowyday
Last reply by snowyday, -
Accompanied by a driver, an American major in a motor vehicle was stopped by the sentry on guard at a cross-road. “Who goes there?†“One American major, one-ton truck of fertilizer and one buck private.†They were allowed to proceed, but at every cross-road they went through the same formula. After a time the driver asked if they were likely to be stopped again. “I guess so,†replied the major. “Well, major,†said the private, “the next time we are stopped would you mind giving me priority over the fertilizer?†* * * snowyday
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I knew a blonde that was so stupid that....... * she called me to get my phone number. * she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate." * she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind. *she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order. *she sent me a fax with a stamp on it. *she tried to drown a fish. *she thought a quarterback was a refund. *she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death. *she tripped over a cordless phone. *she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept. *she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store. *she studied for a blood test. *she tho…
Last reply by Sonny, -
Gordon Turner, editor of the Nantucket Inquirer & Mirror, tells about an island farmer who arranged to have an aged aunt cared for in a rest home. On every visit, he brought her delicacies from the farm, especially including a thermos bottle of fresh milk laced (on the advice of her physician) with a little brandy. Recently the old lady interrupted her contented sipping of the thermos bottle’s contents to command: “Larry, don’t you ever dare to sell that cow.†* * * *
Last reply by snowyday, -
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On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation that was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for. The medicine man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, 'This is powerful medicine. It must be respected. You take only teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.' When you do that, you will become manlier than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want…
Last reply by donwon,