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Military Humor


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On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle. One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, \"What time is it?\"

The tower responded, \"Who is calling?\"

The aircraft replied, \"What difference does it make?\"

The tower replied, \"It makes a lot of difference... If it is an American Airlines flight, it is 3 o\'clock . If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it\'s Thursday afternoon and 120 minutes to \"Happy Hour.\"


During training exercises, the lieutenant who was driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red-faced colonel at the wheel. \"Your jeep stuck, sir?\" asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside. \"Nope,\" replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys. \"Yours is.\"


Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new colonel was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door. Conscious of his new position, the colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter, then said into the phone, \"Yes, General, I\'ll be seeing him this afternoon and I\'ll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir.\" Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man, he asked, \"What do you want?\"

\"Nothing important, sir,\" the airman replied, \"I\'m just here to hook up your telephone.\"


Officer: \"Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?\"

Soldier: \"Sure, buddy.\"

Officer: \"That\'s no way to address an officer! Now let\'s try it again!\"

Soldier: Do you have change for a dollar?\"

Soldier: \"No, SIR!\"


Q: How do you know if there is a fighter pilot at your party?

A: He\'ll tell you.

Q: What\'s the difference between God and fighter pilots?

A: God doesn\'t think he\'s a fighter pilot.

Q: What\'s the difference between a fighter pilot and a jet engine?

A: A jet engine stops whining when the plane shuts down.


An Air Force Chief Master Sergeant and a General were sitting in the barbershop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves, when the barbers reached for some after-shave to slap on their faces.

The General shouted, \"Hey, don\'t put that stuff on me! My wife will think I\'ve been in a whorehouse!\"

The Chief turned to his barber and said, \"Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn\'t know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.\"


\"Well,\" snarled the tough old Navy Chief to the bewildered Seaman, \"I suppose after you get discharged from the Navy, you\'ll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and pee on my grave.\"

\"Not me, Chief!\" the Seaman replied. \"Once I get out of the Navy, I\'m never going to stand in line again

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  • 2 weeks later...

I can only recall a few from memory.

I think these have been around forever and a day though.

problem- #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid

solution- #2 Propeller seepage normal - #1 #3 and #4 propellers

lack normal seepage

problem- Number three engine missing

solution- Engine found on right wing after brief search

problem- Evidence of leak on right main landing gear

solution-Evidence removed

problem- Something loose in cockpit

solution- Something tightened in cockpit

This one came in an email:

Some U.S. F-15 Eagle jet fighter pilots on a cross country flight came across a U.S. C-130 Hercules transport plane on their same heading. Somewhat bored, happy to have some company, and proud of their Eagles, these F-15 jocks engaged the C-130 pilot in conversation, bragging that they had the better job and the better airframe to fly.

The C-130 pilot was use to this type of talk from fast moving fighter and attack pilots but insisted that he had the better job.

\"Oh, yeah? Watch this!,\" one F-15 pilot said.

And the C-130 pilot watched the F-15s surge ahead of him, lite their afterburners, soar, go inverted, fly around him, surge ahead again, come back, and just really show off the Eagle\'s superior speed and maneuverability.

\"Impressed, huh?,\" one of the F-15 pilots asked.

\"No, not really,\" the C-130 pilot said. \"Watch real closely and I\'ll show you what I can do and why my job is better than yours.\"

So, these F-15 pilots watched the C-130 . . . and watched, and watched, and watched, . . . and watched some more, for about ten minutes.

But, they did not see anything different about the C-130. No change in heading. No banking. No change in speed. The C-130 just continued to drone on, level, on the same heading.

\"Excuse me, Mr. C-130 pilot, but we\'ve been watching you now for about ten minutes, and you haven\'t shown us anything new. What\'s up? When are you going to show us what you can do?\"

\"I just did.,\" was the C-130\'s pilot\'s reply.

\"You did? Come on. Stop BSing. We\'ve got to break off soon. We were all watching you carefully and none of us saw you do a darn thing. What did you do, if anything?\"

The C-130 pilot said, \"I put it on autopilot and went to the bathroom.\"

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  • 3 months later...

This was tucked away in the back of my father\'s file.

At first I was mortified, because I had thought maybe this was my father\'s performance report for someone else. But as I

read on I figured it out.

V. Comments of reporting official (Be factual and specific. Add any comments which increase the objectivity of the rating)

FACTS AND SPECIFIC ACHIEVEMENTS: Sargent Cook has been a good troop. He ain\'t never been in no trobel a toll to me or

nobody else in this here mechun. He has a heep of times vollenteered for jobs that was not even his\'n. A few days ago,

he was an instument an a big help in fixin a airplane that done broke. A bunch of men was trying to fix it and they coodn\'t

get it to do what the pilot sed it was doing. So Sargeant Cook went out and chek the work order and tail number of the

airplane, and told them that they was working on the worng one. This is a tipical egsample of Sargeant Cook\'s high degree

of teknicle nolledge and trublehunting abilities. Another egsample of his fine deminstration of exallent qualitye, was the

incident when one of his men was drunk and gone for three days, he done his work for him.

STRENGTHS: Sargeant Cook has reel powerful hand grip. Loads scrap iron on trucks with no difficullties, loaded one

(a anvil) that I knoed waid 200 lbs. He also helps unload beer of the truck for the NCO clubs.

RECOMMEND IMPROVEMENT AREAS: Sargeant Cook is an awstandin man except when he is drunk. he come in the gait doin bout

70 mles an hour one day and tore down the orderly room. He was fortunary that he didn\'t brake his neck. He is good

with a saw an hammar and he ought to have a lettaer of commodation for a owstandin job he done for this owtfit fixing the

orderly room back. he is a good noncomshand oacifer.

SUGGESTED ASSIGNMENT: Assin him to remote duty. he ain\'t never got along with wirmen. He brawt a woman out a while back,

and they got stoned over at the annex and started fightin over who was gonna buy the next round. Anyways her husbin come

in then (just back from TDY in VietNam) and he got in the fite two. So Sargeant Cook had then both throwed out of the club

for creatin a disturbance. They faut outside for about 30 minits befor the OD and so SP\'s showed up and tride to trow off

base. She broke the lutenant\'s arm and run down the street and got away. She also throwed a rock at another SP by the

maingait and when the SP tried to arrest her sherun over him with her car. Rite now her base drivin privilage is revoked,

her husbin is in jail, and the lutenant and the SP are doin well, and Sargeant Cook is demistratin owtstandin inishyative

by vollentarilly fixin the SP shak by the main gait, which was damages prity good one nite when some crazy woman tride to

kill the SP inside of it who was callin for help.


I do not concer with the riter. there is a lot of mispleed words, however, I will sine it rather that take disiplinary

axion since this report is overdoo.


Sich rittin is a disgrass to the Air Fors. I think the gentelmain that rote it shude be eliminated from the curvis.

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  • 1 year later...

Squawk ticket from me to the mechanic today. This morning it was a whole 9°f this morning. I am not a treetop flyer. But squawk tickete have become a game between myself and the mechanic.

"Defroster not working. Frost working, no problem."

reply on ticket

"Sent frost home for the day. Told defrost to stop slacking."

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The old hats around here will remember a guy by the name of Bob Stevens. He was a cartoonist/ retired USAF Col. that wrote about AF life back in the day and illustrated a significant amount of this type of humor. He contributed to Air Force magazine and produced several books of both military and civilian flying humor. His work was amazing at times and he is missed.

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