A Guide For Yankees In The South

[Jeffysan]

A Guide For Yankees In The South

Like Hemorrhoids, They Come Down, Won't Go Back Up, & Are A Pain In The Ass

1. Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Waffle House. It's just a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they know. If you confuse them, they'll kick your ass.

2. Don't laugh at our Southern names (Merleen, Bodie, Ovine, Luther Ray, Brenda Sue, Tammy Lynn, Darla Beth, Inez, Billy Joe, Sissy, Bobby Lee, Clovis, etc.) or we will just have to kick your ass.

3. Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda. Down here it's called Coke. Nobody gives a damn whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up or whatever - it's still a Coke. Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to an ass kicking.

4. We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (e.g. Welty, Williams, Faulkner). We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer. Don't refer to us as a bunch of hillbillies, or we'll kick your ass.

5. We have plenty of business sense (e.g. Fred Smith of FedEx, Turner Broadcasting, MCI Worldcom, MTV, Netscape). Naturally we do sometimes have small lapses in judgment (e.g. Carter, Edwards, Duke, Barnes, Clinton). We don't care if you think we are dumb. We are not dumb enough to let someone move to our state in order to run for the Senate. If someone tried to do that, we would kick their ass.

6. Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had listened to Longstreet and flanked Meade at Gettysburg instead of sending Pickett up the middle, you'd be paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington. If you visit Stone Mountain and complain about the carving, we'll kick your ass.

7. We are fully aware of how high the humidity is so shut the hell up. Just spend your money and get the hell out of here or we'll kick your ass.

8. Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone will instantly know that you're a Yankee. Eat your biscuits like God intended - with gravy. And don't put sugar on your grits, or we'll kick your ass.

9. Don't fake a Southern accent. This will incite a riot, and you will get your ass kicked.

10. Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we know better. Many of us have visited northern cesspools like Detroit, Chicago and DC, and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here, Delta is ready when you are. Move your ass on home before it gets kicked.

11. Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because we don't want to sound like you. We don't care if you don't understand what we are saying. All other Southerners understand what we're saying, and that's all that matters. Now, go away and leave us alone, or we'll kick your ass.

12. Don't complain that the South is dirty and polluted. None of our rivers have caught fire recently. If you whine about our scenic beauty, we'll kick your ass all the way back to Boston Harbor.

13. Don't ridicule our Southern manners. We say sir and ma'am. We hold doors open for others. We offer our seats to old folks because such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet little gray-haired grandmothers or they'll kick some manners into your ass just like they did ours.

14. So you think we're quaint or losers because most of us live in the countryside? That's because we have enough sense to not live in filthy, smelly, crime-infested cesspools like New York or Baltimore. Make fun of our fresh air, and we'll kick your ass.

15. Last, but not least, do not dare to come down here and tell us how to barbecue. This will get your ass shot (right after it is kicked). You're lucky we let you come down here at all. Criticize our barbecue, and you will go home in a pine box - minus your ass.

[pwylie]

God speaks with a Southern accent. I spoke with him this morning.

[Fräulein]

If you have ever heard the Bob & Tom Radio show - then you know of Tim Wilson.

He once did a "commercial" for the The Aggravator. A spoof of the Navigator system you can get in your car.

It was a southern version giving directions.

[TSgtRet]

Reminds me of a book my Grandfather had on "How To Speak Southern". The ones I remember are:

Chivalay- Car made by General Motors

Owes- (was) An expensive Chivalay

Grudge- Where you keep your Chivalay

Raffle- That thing you use to keep Yankees away from your Grudge

Faints- Enclosure around the "place"

There were a bunch more just can't remember them.

[Dan Wilson]

[hlg6016]

One thing I do miss from being down south is the common courtesy drivers use on the road.

[bobdaley]

Spending summers in Boston and on Cape Cod you really can see the difference. I keep a car in Boston and my wife refuses to drive it because the drivers are so bad.

However having lived in Dallas for 36 years you can really see the difference in the drivers here. Years ago people were much more courteous than today.

My wife says too many Yankees have moved here.

Bob

[jetcal1]

Spending summers in Boston and on Cape Cod you really can see the difference. I keep a car in Boston and my wife refuses to drive it because the drivers are so bad.

However having lived in Dallas for 36 years you can really see the difference in the drivers here. Years ago people were much more courteous than today.

My wife says too many Yankees have moved here.

Bob

Bob,

The DFW drivers are certainly more rude now, but I don't see red lights being run on a daily basis anymore either.

[bobdaley]

And now in Dallas County with the damn Constables hiding in the bushes not as much speeding any more. I love streets like Royal Lane a six lane divided road with a max posted speed of 35.

Bob

[jetcal1]

And now in Dallas County with the damn Constables hiding in the bushes not as much speeding any more. I love streets like Royal Lane a six lane divided road with a max posted speed of 35.

Bob

I try and stay out of Dallas, things really started going bad when the parking meters went into Deep Ellum. One thing that has not changed over time has been the number of Thousandaires living there.

Sir, my advice is Fort Worth.

[Fräulein]

People on the "east side of the mountain" here just outside of Albuquerque seem to have our act together. We are courteous and polite, possibly because everyone knows everyone else in some way or another. With the exception of the rich folks who live in Paako. they really don't count. They drive their fancy high end cars, but dress down in order to try to fit in....wait..SO I was saying. We seem to have it together, but when you drive into town you have to throw all politeness out the window if you want to survive the roads.